by Laurie Loft
Todd moved to Sebby’s side and lifted the arm with which Sebby had gestured. He pressed it to his mouth, kissing the creamy skin on the inside of the forearm, feeling the sturdy bones. Sebby allowed it, but it was as if he was unaware of it.
“This time I knew I’d have to go to the hospital. I called Ethan. Wayne took me, and Ethan and Leo went and had a ‘talk’ with Collin.”
It was the first time Sebby had mentioned the man’s name. Cradling Sebby’s arm to his chest, he stroked the soft skin. “You didn’t go to the police?”
“What were they gonna do? It wasn’t breaking and entering ’cause he had a key. They weren’t gonna care for one queer beating on another. Anyway.” He exhaled. “Leo and Ethan took care of it. I don’t know what they did, and I don’t want to know. They promised me they wouldn’t put him in the hospital, and I suppose they kept their promise. You look like you want to rescue me. There’s nothing to rescue me from. It was a long time ago.”
“How long?”
“Last year. The timer went off.”
“Oh.” Not wanting to let go of Sebby’s arm, Todd glanced from Sebby to the French press and back. Sebby raised his eyebrows and pulled, and Todd, who could not bring himself to use any force to retain the once-injured limb, let go. He turned and depressed the plunger of the French press and poured two mugs. Behind him, Sebby fetched cream from the refrigerator. Todd sank into a kitchen chair, and Sebby poured cream into Todd’s mug as though he had forgotten Todd’s coffee preferences.
Sebby was close, and Todd ventured to put a hand on Sebby’s waist. “I’m sorry.”
Sebby bowed his head. “Did I do the right thing?”
“About what? You mean fighting back? Not going to the police?” Todd pressed his hand against Sebby’s waist, and Sebby poured more cream into Todd’s mug.
“I’m talking about forgiving him. The first time. I mean, if I’d dumped him right then, the other shit, it wouldn’t have gone that far, no? But still. I didn’t know. And doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?” He turned a piercing glance upon Todd before again dropping his eyes.
Was he supposed to say that, yes, everyone deserved a second chance, so give me one? Pressing his hand yet more firmly to Sebby’s waist, he spoke his mind. “You were innocent, Sebastián. It’s not your fault that he hit you, that he broke your arm. Even if forgiving him was an error in judgment. I—I don’t know. But I don’t believe that anyone deserves a second chance to hurt you.”
Sebby poured more cream. It sloshed over the rim. “Oh, Todd, I’m hardly innocent.”
“I mean insofar as your contribution to or responsibility for the occurrence of abuse.” Todd leaned forward and placed his other hand at Sebby’s waist. “It was his choice to hit you, to break your arm, independent of anything that you did.”
Sebby closed the cream carton, opened it, closed it. “He didn’t break my arm on purpose. I’m not excusing it or anything. Just. He didn’t mean to do that.”
“He meant to hurt you, though. Agreed?”
Sebby exhaled sharply. “I don’t know. I don’t know if he knew what he was doing. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.”
Incredulous, Todd said, “Why doesn’t it matter?”
“I had to protect myself, yes? So I couldn’t take the trouble to find out what was his problem, no? I wasn’t going to let him ‘practice’ a nonviolent relationship on me, tell him to get therapy and stay with him to see how it turned out, see if it would help, see if it would stop.” He tried to move away, but Todd’s hands seemed enough to stop him. Sebby set the cream down and pressed his fists to his temples.
“Sweetheart. Did you consider that?”
“What d’you think, Todd? What d’you think I was thinking about all day while I cleaned my house? Probably I even liked his roughness, so, you see, it was my fault, a little.”
Todd nudged as if leading a dance partner. After a moment’s resistance, Sebby allowed himself to be moved, and he eased into Todd’s lap, putting one arm around Todd’s shoulders and resting his forehead against the side of Todd’s head, and it seemed to Todd that no one had ever fit so well in his lap. With one arm at Sebby’s back and the other winding over his legs and around his hip, Todd tucked him closer. “I reject the notion that his treatment of you could be in any way your fault. Even if he thought you wanted to be hit, which I highly doubt, given your description of his remorse, then he certainly knew you did not want to be hit again.”
“That’s not what I mean. I mean that by choosing him— Oh, I’m worn out. I can’t think. I give up.” He slumped, and his face touched Todd’s neck. “I give in.”
“Give in to what?”
“This,” Sebby said, without moving.
Troubled, Todd blurted out what had worried him since the party at Ethan’s. “Do you want someone to be mean to you?”
“No,” he said, voice muffled against Todd’s neck.
“I ask because Becca said . . .” Todd hesitated and stroked Sebby’s back. “Becca warned me that if I were too nice, you would dump me.”
“Oh, Becca.”
“And Leo said—” Todd hesitated again “—that you had brought home some ‘doozies.’ I am unsure as to the definition of that particular epithet, but the implication was men who did not treat you with respect.” Sebby made an indecipherable noise. “Sebby . . .” Struggling for words to erase the hurt, words that were not mere excuses, Todd allowed his hand to stray up Sebby’s back and under his hair. “I am a louse and I said something I didn’t mean. Exaggeration. You may have noticed I have a tendency, nay, even a talent for that particular medium?”
“So you didn’t mean every day?”
“No, no. Every day originally, but not now. Not for many days. I am desolate that I’ve hurt you, you who have been so kind to me, and more than patient. Anyone else would’ve thrown his arms up in disgust. And you’ve . . .” He choked and cleared his throat. “More than anything, you’ve brought me out and made me see, ah . . .” He choked again and reached for his coffee.
“What. What? See what?” Sebby tensed and raised his head.
That I can love again. “Many things,” Todd said into his mug. “My point is— My point is . . .” What was his point? Todd remembered something. “Even Gus said something about it.”
Sebby bolted upright and went stiff. “Gus? What’d he say?”
“‘Nancy bull queers,’ whatever the hell that is. I’m guilty by association. Everyone assumes because I am your boyfriend that I am a brute.”
“Ah, chingados, I’m not a victim!” Sebby covered his face with his hands and reslumped.
“Are you a masochist?” Todd tightened his hold. “It’s all right if you are.”
“No.” Sebby’s cheek touched Todd’s shoulder. One hand twisted in Todd’s shirt.
“I, in point of fact, wasn’t nice to you to begin with, and my behavior didn’t deter you one iota.”
Sebby scoffed. “Do you think you’re scary, Todd?”
“Well . . . scary . . . no . . . but—”
“You’re cute.” Sebby slammed the palm of his hand against Todd’s chest. “Swaggering around like a little boy in cowboy boots thinking you’re fooling everyone that you’re tough.”
Todd flushed and pursed his lips. “Right, then. So we can rule out potential dominator as your reason for seducing me. Why, then? Sweetheart . . .” Shifting in his chair, he repositioned Sebby to look into his eyes. “Am I that different from your priors? Do you prefer someone who is more . . . tough? Ah, dominant? I can be more—”
“No, Todd. Mierda, is that what this is about? Why do I like you?” He grasped Todd’s collar, held his gaze, and spoke in a hoarse, tight, and vibrating voice. “Because every day you looked at the mountains. And every day I could see your heart was broken. And every day you set your jaw and went to work, and first you really didn’t notice me, but then you did. And, oh, I don’t know, I’m not good with words like you; I can’t say things like what you say. Don’
t ask me anything else; take me to bed.”
Todd hesitated; he swallowed hard.
“Take me to bed!” The request tore at Todd’s heart. “I hurt, Todd; take me to bed.”
What could Todd do but take him to bed?
Sebby had not known that he could be such a manipulative bitch.
He buried his shamed face in Todd’s side. The Collin story had come out in orderly and sane words, but Sebby had slowly realized that he wasn’t telling Todd something he ought to know about his boyfriend, he was telling Todd something to steer worrying away from his ex and toward Sebby. Then, to make it seem less awful, Sebby had lied and said it happened last year, when really his cast had been off only a short while when he’d met Todd. And Todd had made love to him with such tenderness that it had hurt more than when he’d been forceful.
And after the sex, instead of falling asleep, Todd had laid Sebby back and sung to him. It was the most beautiful thing ever. Sebby gazed into Todd’s eyes, beyond the point where he could be embarrassed. They were so close that Sebby could feel Todd’s stomach tighten with the effort of song. It was the most intimate moment of his life, and he knew it would all be downhill from here. Nothing could ever top this.
Now Todd slept, but Sebby lay awake under the jumbled sheets, with which he had hastily covered the bed when they had come back upstairs.
Things were out of control, and Sebby did not like out of control. How had the situation gotten to this point?
It had never taken him so long to get a man he wanted. A tilt of the chin, a touch, and a man would follow him anywhere. But Todd had been wary, it had taken weeks, and Sebby had been about wild with wanting. So the sex was probably not as great as he thought it was. Just because Sebby’s insides melted like almond bark in a double boiler whenever he thought about it . . .
And then there was the sentimental stuff. To most men, in Sebby’s experience, romance was a means to an end, and that end had better arrive quickly. A meaningful look, a run of the fingers through Sebby’s hair: that was as romantic as things got. Todd was just so over the top that Sebby at first hadn’t known what to make of it. It was cute, it was funny, but he hadn’t taken it seriously until he figured out it was just Todd, as much a part of him as his smile or his nearsightedness. Then everything had changed, and it was out of control, and Sebby was thinking about forever, and he didn’t even believe in monogamy, it was too much to expect of a person, and qué mierda, this was ridiculous. He sat up and poked Todd in the shoulder. “Todd.”
Todd groaned and grumbled and woke up. “Yeah. What. Oh, morning. Again.” He reached for Sebby, who drew back.
“I want to ask what you want for lunch, and also I want to tell you something.”
“I will eat whatever your fair hands prepare. What do you have to tell me?” Todd fumbled for his glasses.
“You might decide to leave again.” Sebby drew a deep breath. “I told you the story about Collin to make you feel sorry for me and make you want to stay with me. Dios mío, I’m terrible!” Sebby covered his face with his hands, and seconds passed before he dared to peek out.
Todd’s face was scrunched up in consternation. “Are you saying you made that whole thing up?”
“No, no, no.”
“W— But— Ah . . . I don’t understand.”
“I was . . . I was . . . You worry about Vivian so much, and I wanted you to worry about me. A little.”
Todd’s expression softened, and he got that look in his eyes, the one that made Sebby think that Todd must love him some, and he moved toward Sebby, who scooted away. “Sebastián, ven aquí.” The edge of the bed forced Sebby to stop or fall, and Todd took his hand. “You wanted to bond me to you.”
“Um, bond?” Sebby twisted uncomfortably. “I don’t know, I . . . I think I’m a manipulative bitch.” He couldn’t meet Todd’s eyes. Todd pressed his forehead to the back of Sebby’s hand. His shoulders shook, and Todd made a strangled noise that Sebby did not at first recognize as laughter. Indignant, he tipped his head to peer at Todd. “What? Are you laughing at me?”
Todd straightened and smoothed his expression, though his mouth twitched. “Imp. You think you might be manipulative? Or controlling?”
Cautiously, Sebby said, “Not usually . . . am I?”
“This is the second time you have falsely reported to my employer that I am ill. Don’t do it again! It isn’t that I don’t appreciate an illicit day in bed with you, but—”
Sebby interrupted, “You were so tired and upset. I didn’t want you slicing your arm open or falling off a building! Coffee or not.”
“That’s a controller’s world view: that he acts in the best interest of the controllee, because the controllee cannot be trusted to act in his own best interest.”
Sebby huffed and moved to get up, but Todd had hold of his hand and had somehow gotten an arm around his waist and was pulling Sebby to himself.
“Don’t you need to call Vivian?” Sebby reminded, and he sucked his breath in, astounded at himself. What was wrong with him?
Todd tensed, his breath quickening, and it stirred Sebby’s hair. “Yes. Ah, I should make sure he’s all right.”
He made no move.
Sebby’s turned his head and rubbed the tip of his nose against Todd’s cheek. “Would you rather have privacy or moral support?”
“Oh, moral support, to be sure.” Sighing, Todd released him and rolled to the opposite side of the bed, leaning his torso over the edge and fishing his cell phone from where he had dropped his trousers. Todd sat up and gathered a blanket into his lap as he pressed his phone to his ear. He began finger-combing his hair. “Viv? How are you? Feeling better? Ah . . . any discomfiting memories returning to you?”
Sebby remained where he was and watched. He was on the other end of that signal, and a chill drained down Sebby’s spine.
Shoulders hunched, Todd faced the wall. “It’s good to hear your voice too. I was worried. Are you . . . more in possession of your faculties today?” Another pause. “That is what I meant, yes . . . I do, I . . .” Todd waved his hand in the air in a slicing motion. “Viv, it would be a dire and dreadful mistake for us to elope.”
Sebby rolled his eyes.
“And what was all that nonsense about putting off college and being my ‘housewife’? You must go to college. With apologies to housewives everywhere, a person with your gifts shouldn’t be limited in that way.”
So Todd thought he had gifts? Shocker.
“Wait. What . . .” Todd sputtered. “What happened to what you want?” There was a pause, and then Todd said, “Oh, Viv,” and what had he said to bring that warmth into Todd’s voice? Sebby fidgeted. “But, Viv, I had to. I couldn’t have stayed; I would’ve been reduced to stalking. You would’ve seen me at the fringes of your graduation ceremony, a furtive figure in a trench coat.” There was an awkward laugh, cut off. “I’m sorry, I was teasing. Of course I wouldn’t have stalked you . . . I— Viv, help me to understand: why did we break up, then? . . . Oh, sweetheart, shhh, I’m sorry; I know you’re sick.”
Manipulative bitch. Sebby scowled. Horridly fascinated, he watched as Todd’s free hand made a petting motion in the air. On impulse, he crept forward and ducked his head under Todd’s hand. The hand settled on his head and stroked his hair, and a shiver went all through him. Todd wasn’t even aware of Sebby, and the way his fingers moved through Sebby’s hair was subtly different. In a perverse way, it was reassuring because it proved what Todd had said: that Sebby was not a substitute for him; Todd touched Sebby differently.
“I know, Vivid, forgive me.” Vivid? Sebby cringed; the pet name was unbearably sweet, unbearably Todd. “I wish that too, I . . .” He glanced at Sebby. “You’re still not yourself, I fear. I’ll let you rest. I’ll call you later . . . Yes, I promise. Love-you-bye.” It hurt more than Sebby would’ve thought possible, hearing him declare aloud to Vivian what he had never said to Sebby. Todd ended the call, and his hand became familiar again at the back of Sebby’s
head.
“Jesus,” Todd said meditatively.
That was it, then. Todd was leaving. Sebby flung his arms around Todd. He put everything into the kiss, all his longing, all his hopes. There was nothing to hold back. One hand tangled in Todd’s hair, Dios, it was getting so long, and he hadn’t noticed; his other hand clutched at Todd’s back as if to sink his fingers through the skin. The kiss broke.
“Ow,” Todd said.
Sebby tilted his head back and smiled, though his whole face felt tight, like the skin might just split right open. “He did mean what he said. He wants you back.”
Todd blinked at Sebby. “Was that a congratulatory embrace? I suppose . . . Perhaps it would be a relief to you, to be well rid of me. But I’m not going.”
The words were so unexpected that Sebby was sure he’d heard wrong. “Wait. What?”
“Sebastián. How can I leave you?” Todd’s hand stroked the back of Sebby’s neck in a hypnotic motion; it seemed to put Sebby’s body to sleep, at any rate. He couldn’t move, though his brain screamed at him to do so.
“¡No chingues! Don’t, oh, don’t fuck with me, I was right here, I heard you, you said you love him, and last night you said you’d be halfway there if you thought he meant it, and now you know he meant it. He means it.” Some internal shutoff clicked, and Sebby stopped babbling.
Todd rubbed his forehead and sighed. “He wants me back now. But tomorrow? When he’s no longer on painkillers? I couldn’t bear the regret in his eyes. He has his family. He doesn’t need me.” Closing his eyes, he repeated, “He doesn’t need me.”