by Laurie Loft
He could feel that Todd had stopped breathing, stopped moving. Todd’s arms hardened into marble statues. Anxiously, Sebby petted Todd’s hair, pulled at it a little to wake him up. “Breathe. It’s not such a surprise, is it?”
Todd heaved a shuddering breath and wilted, burying his face in Sebby’s neck. “The earth is shattering. It’s raining down around me in brilliant blue shards.”
That was a pretty thought. Sebby rubbed Todd’s back briskly, hugged him as tightly as his arms could manage. “Do you know what querido means?” Todd shook his head. “It means beloved.” Sebby paused to swallow and to breathe. “I love you. Querido, te amo.” His ribs were crushing his heart again, but this time it was because Todd was squeezing him so hard. He waited, and still Todd was silent, and Sebby could wait no longer. “You love me too, yes?”
Todd nodded against Sebby’s neck, nodded and made no sound. At least, Sebby hoped it was a nod, but then Todd moved and breathed a word. “Yes.”
“Can you say it?” It was scary how much he wanted to hear it.
Lifting his head and looking Sebby straight in the eye, he enunciated the words. “I love you.”
Sebby’s swollen face prevented him from smiling as broadly as he wanted to. Todd loved him. Maybe not the way he loved Vivian, and maybe it never could be that way, but he loved him.
Evening arrived. Ethan got home from work, and upon sighting Todd, a grin spread across his face. “Todd! You’re here!” Wayne emerged from his office and heated a pan of frozen lasagna. The four of them eschewed the formal dining room and sat at the kitchen table. Wayne chatted equably enough with Sebby.
As they were eating, the doorbell sounded. Ethan went to answer and returned with Barry, Lawrence, and a huge man who was a stranger to Todd. The man’s face was rather homely, with a large, hooked nose, ears that stuck out at near right angles to his head, and a mass of uncontrolled hair of nondescript color growing back from a receding hairline. He dropped his eyes as Ethan introduced him as Hugh.
“Tooodd!” Lawrence exclaimed. “Sebby didn’t tell us you were back!”
“Hugh saved Sebby’s life,” Barry declared, beaming at the homely man, who colored. Barry’s arms were wrapped around Hugh’s right arm, and Lawrence had the left. Rising and offering his hand, Todd regarded the man with interest. His biceps strained at his shirtsleeves; his chest seemed in danger of tearing through his T-shirt. One hairy forearm sported a tattoo of a trident-carrying merman, the tail of which braceleted his wrist.
“Todd, rhymes with God,” said Todd, as his hand was all but swallowed in the man’s enormous mitt. “I am in your debt, then, sir.”
“Oh. Naw. Just glad I was there.” The man shrugged his substantial shoulders. “Name’s not Hugh, uh, they just like to call me that.”
“’Cause he looks like Hugh Jackman!” Lawrence exclaimed, resting his chin on Hugh’s shoulder with greedy glee.
“If Hugh Jackman were handsomer,” Barry added, likewise resting his chin on Hugh’s other shoulder. The man looked from one to the other with a shy smile that gentled his entire visage. Todd couldn’t detect even a slight resemblance to Hugh Jackman.
Ethan grinned. “Let’s have drinks in the living room! The dishes can wait.”
Wayne installed himself on the corner of one sofa with his laptop, though this didn’t stop Ethan from somehow lying down with his head in Wayne’s lap, his fingers making idle circles over Wayne’s left knee. Hugh settled into an overstuffed easy chair, and Barry and Lawrence perched on the chair’s arms, leaning against him. Todd and Sebby took the love seat, Sebby reclining in Todd’s arms, his head on Todd’s chest.
Todd kissed the top of Sebby’s head and then just rested there, inhaling the fragrance of Sebby’s hair. “Did he save your life?” he whispered.
Sebby moved his shoulders in a minimal shrug. “Who can say?”
Todd pressed his face to Sebby’s neck, to feel his pulse jump, to feel the live warmth of him. “Tell me what happened.”
Sebby gave his head a quick shake.
“I want to hear this tale of heroism,” Todd declared.
Sebby shrank. Hugh reddened. Barry and Lawrence preened as one. “You tell it, Hugh,” Lawrence prompted, and then immediately went on. “After you dumped him, Sebby called us.”
“Then he said, ‘Todd’s back!’” Barry’s lined eyes were wide.
Wayne groaned. “Not this again.”
“Don’t tell this right now,” Sebby pleaded.
Todd sat up straight. “Someone saved the life of my love, I believe I’m entitled to hear the details.”
“He set the phone down!” Barry went on.
“But he didn’t hang up,” Lawrence said.
“We didn’t hang up, either,” Barry said.
“We thought we might hear some sloppy makeup sex!” They both giggled.
“But it wasn’t Todd,” Barry said solemnly.
“It was Collin!”
There was a dramatic pause. Sebby rose so gracefully that Todd did not realize he was doing it until it was done.
“Shit,” Todd said under his breath as Sebby left the room.
“He doesn’t like hearing it,” Barry said.
Hugh pursed his lips. “Maybe you shouldn’t tell it, then.”
“So modest!” Lawrence smoothed his hand up and down the broad chest.
“Especially for a hero.” Barry’s hand mirrored Lawrence’s. They beamed at each other and at Hugh, who appeared positively twitterpated.
Sebby slipped away to the kitchen. His hands were shaking, so he had trouble removing the lid from the anxiety medication. There was no reason to be upset, he told himself. Barry and Lawrence enjoyed telling the story. It was an exciting one: Hugh breaking down Sebby’s door and peeling Collin off Sebby as if Collin were a paper doll. It was the sort of thing Sebby would’ve leaned forward to hear. He would’ve peppered them with questions. He would’ve praised Hugh’s heroism—if the story had been about someone else. From the corner of his eye, as he drew water from the sink, he saw Todd enter the kitchen and hover.
“I’m sorry,” Todd said.
Sebby gulped his pill and turned. “’S okay.” He pulled a smile from somewhere. “I should let them tell you, ’cause then I won’t have to.” He waved his hand, shooing Todd away. “Go back in there. Think I’ll go to bed.” In the next moment, Sebby threw himself at Todd. “Oh, querido, I love you. But I can’t talk about that right now, and I can’t hear about it. You understand? I understand you want to know about it, but do you understand I can’t?”
“Sweetheart. Te amo. Comprendo.” Todd bent his head to kiss Sebby’s upturned face, to brush his lips over Sebby’s eyes. “But Wayne said Collin has been harassing you for quite some time. Is this true?”
Pressing his face into Todd’s neck, Sebby sighed, unsurprised that Todd wouldn’t drop the subject. “Harassing? He called me a few times, that’s all. Not harassing.”
“Calling is not necessarily harassing,” Todd agreed.
Sebby was grateful that Todd didn’t argue or lecture. “But then,” Sebby said, biting his lip. “But then he, the night with, you know, Leo, Collin called and said he knew I was alone, he knew you went with Barry and Lawrence. He was watching my house!” Sebby clutched the front of Todd’s T-shirt. “That’s why I called Leo, because I got so, so scared. I told you it was because of the movie, but that was a lie.”
“So many lies,” Todd murmured, as if to himself.
“You said I held things back from you, and I did. But it all came from one big lie, from never telling you I love you. If I couldn’t be honest about that, how could I be honest about anything?”
“Comprendo,” Todd repeated.
“Lo comprendo,” Sebby corrected. “Or, it would make more sense to say, lo entiendo. Leo told me to get a restraining order, and I should’ve.”
“Lo entiendo. Yes . . . but don’t blame yourself. Restraining orders are notoriously ineffective, and had you gotten one, i
t might have served to provoke him further.” He shifted his arms; Sebby was resting most of his weight on Todd. “Do you want to go to bed?”
“I want to go for a walk,” Sebby decided.
“But the medication . . . does it make you sleepy?”
“It takes a while to hit me. And there’s a nice walking path. And maybe I’ll talk a little, yes?”
The two of them slipped out the back door. It was one of those nights of late summer when the breezes whispered of autumn, and Sebby was glad for his sweater. He breathed the sweet air. A quarter moon had risen, orange on the horizon and looking larger than was natural. The paved path was dotted with security lights. It meandered through grassy areas and on into a rocky area, the stretching tendrils of the Rocky Mountains.
Todd said, “I still don’t understand why you chose to call Leo that night and not me.” He slowed his pace. “Was it because you believed he would be better able to protect you? You once called me Don Quixote and said that you would not even bet on me against one man.”
“No, Todd,” Sebby declared, even though it made his heart contract in fear to imagine Todd going up against Collin. Look what Gus had done to Todd, and Gus was an old man! “It was just because Leo knew all about it. I didn’t want to tell you!” A woman passed them, walking her poofy little dog, which yapped at them.
Todd tsked. “But why didn’t you want me to know? You had already related to me the story of your broken arm.”
“I hadn’t told you the whole story! Oh, Dios, I still haven’t.”
“But why? Cielito lindo, why?”
“Because I thought you wouldn’t want me!”
Todd made a noise that sounded sad and pitying to Sebby, and Sebby sped away, avoiding Todd’s arms. They stopped at the crest of a hill, Sebby panting, Todd groaning and clutching his middle. Playground equipment stood nearby, empty swings moving in the wind. Sebby paced. “I felt pathetic. It starts to define me, no? Like ‘victim’ is tattooed on my forehead. And that isn’t me. Some things happened, that’s all, bad luck and bad choices. But when I think about it too much, I feel like a victim. Like nothing’s ever happened to me but this. Like I’ve never done anything in my life. Things were done to me.” He folded his arms and glared at Todd. “You got hit. No one thinks you’re a victim.”
“Well. They might if I wore a cropped tee.” Todd rolled his shirt up, displaying his purpled midriff.
“And don’t say it’s different. It’s no different.”
“It is, in point of fact, quite different.”
“Why, because I’m small? You’re not so big.”
“Bigger than you.” Todd came close and leaned toward Sebby, looming over him, if two inches could be called looming.
“Your ego’s bigger.” But he allowed Todd to take hold of his elbows and pull Sebby’s arms around him.
“It’s very different when one who is supposed to love and care for you instead causes you harm.”
“Gus is a foreman,” Sebby retorted. “He’s supposed to care for his crew members.”
Todd inclined his head. “In a sense. I concede the point. But Gus is not my lover, nor my ex-lover, and— Oh, fucking fucking fucking hell. Oh, no, Sebby.”
“What?”
“Jesus God, tell me I’m wrong.”
“You’re wrong. What, Todd, what?”
“You. Gus. Ex-lovers.”
Sebby’s jaw dropped; he busted out laughing. “Oh,” he said, and found that he couldn’t speak—the priceless expression on Todd’s face hurled him into a new fit of hilarity, and he’d have doubled over but for Todd’s support. He buried his face in Todd’s shirt; tears of merriment dampened the fabric. Just when he had begun to regain control, Todd grumbled under his breath, and that set him off again. At length he wiped his streaming eyes and raised his head. “Oh. It hurts to laugh.” He laid the back of his hand against his flushed cheek.
“You’ll recall that you told me you had broken the hearts of many older men.”
The idea of him breaking Gus’s heart made him lose it again. He laughed so hard that he thought he might piss himself, and each time he tried to calm down in order to say something, he squeaked and pitched a new fit. Finally, exhausted, leaning on Todd, he drew deep breaths and sighed. “Toddfox, you’re mean to make me laugh so. Oh, my face hurts.”
“I humbly apologize,” Todd said loftily.
“Querido, you’re so sweet. You think every man is dying of love for me?”
“Gus is exceedingly protective of you.”
Sebby considered this. Lots of people were protective of him. He took it as a matter of course. “I don’t know why he is. But it’s not because we were lovers.” He grinned again at the thought of it, and, oh, his face did hurt. “Lo prometo. But, anyway, you changed the subject, which was that Gus hitting you is as bad as Collin hitting me.”
“Gus did not harass me, nor stake out my home, nor force his way into said home, nor hit me in the face, nor did he follow up his one punch with any others. Besides which, I remind you, he thought I’d hurt you. What excuse did Collin offer?”
“Plenty.” Sebby turned away and wandered in the direction of the empty playground. Todd followed, and their feet crunched in the pea gravel. Sebby sat down in a swing, wrapping his arms around the chains and letting his legs dangle. The sling seat pressed snugly at his hips.
Todd seated himself in the next swing, facing the opposite direction. He reached to close his hand over Sebby’s. “What did he say?”
With his toes, Sebby idly pushed himself back and forth. “He said I looked so sad that he couldn’t stand it. Last night, he was watching my house—” Sebby ground his teeth and squeezed Todd’s fingers “—and he saw us on the front walk, saw you give me my key, saw me standing there, and he figured we broke up. He wanted to comfort me.” It was a little funny, now that he thought about it. Some comfort.
Todd looked stricken. “It was my fault, then.”
“It would’ve happened. There would’ve been another time that you weren’t there, and he would’ve convinced himself . . . whatever he needed to convince himself.” Todd’s face crumpled, and Sebby knew he should feel sympathetic, but he couldn’t feel anything much. Probably, this meant that the medication was working. “Not your fault, Toddfox, so don’t look like that.” Sebby leaned back, faced the sky, and spoke quickly, getting the words out: “He didn’t rape me.”
Todd’s hands tightened on Sebby’s. “Good! Not being . . . er, that. Is good.”
“He wanted me to consent,” Sebby went on. Just the facts, he reminded himself. State the bare facts. “I wouldn’t.” He smiled at Todd, trying to reassure him. “We talked some, and at first I thought it would be all right. But he heard the phone . . .” Sebby shuddered violently. He cleared his throat. “BarrynLawrence, their voices, and he said, ‘Who’s that on the phone?’ because I hadn’t hung up. And he was suspicious, and he grabbed the phone and threw it at the wall. It smashed, and I was so, so scared. I told him he needed help. It was stupid of me to say that, and he slapped me. I tried to—to get away. I threw my coffee in his face, but it wasn’t very hot anymore, and he grabbed the mug and hit me with it. The mug broke, that’s the stitches, the bandage.” Sebby paused to catch his breath. His heart was beating painfully fast, and he pulled one hand from Todd’s grip to press it to his chest. “He said that since you left me, I had no excuse not to get back with him, but I wouldn’t, oh Dios mío, I wouldn’t. He said I was a whore and no one would ever love me, everyone would leave me but him, and he hit me, hijo de puta, he hit me and said, ‘You want me now?’ And I said no, every time I said no. I was so angry, it was like white lights in my head. I would’ve said no until he killed me.”
Gasping for breath, he stopped. Todd had thrown his arms around Sebby and the swing, and their two swings lurched crazily.
“He wanted to break your spirit.” Todd’s voice shook, and Sebby couldn’t tell if it was rage or sadness that moved him.
“But I
’m impossibly stubborn, no?” Sebby muffled the words against Todd’s throat. He rested his nose at the collar of Todd’s tee and inhaled the unwashed smell, the faint scent of sex, the smell of himself on Todd’s skin. Todd held him, and he was safe.
They walked back more slowly, Sebby immersed in a deep, peaceful weariness and leaning on Todd more than he needed to. He reached to twirl his fingers in Todd’s longish locks. “What are we going to do with this hair? You look like Tarzan.” He yawned.
Todd threw back his head and let out a bellow, alarming Sebby mid-yawn so that his jaw snapped shut. Todd pounded his chest. “Me Tarzan. You gay.”
Sebby laughed until he squeaked. “I love how you can make me laugh. And I’d love to see you in a loincloth.”
Todd’s face went solemn. “Sebby love Tarzan. Tarzan love Sebby.” He grinned and waggled his eyebrows. “Tarzan drag Sebby to cave.”
Todd talking in jungle-speak was so absurd, Sebby tittered helplessly as he backed away. “Nooo.”
Advancing, Todd extended his arms in invitation. Sebby continued to back away, shaking his head, until Todd darted at him, ignoring Sebby’s shriek. Todd wrapped an arm around Sebby’s back and bent as if to lift him.
“Todd, stop!” Sebby tried to look forbidding, but he wasn’t sure how much his face responded. He put sternness into his voice. “You’ll hurt yourself. Or me.”
Todd straightened. His look of disappointment was almost comical.
“Some other time, Tarzan,” Sebby promised. He kissed Todd’s cheek.
Todd’s good humor apparently rebounded. “Just as well. Sebby corpulent.”
“‘Corpulent’?” Sebby protested. “That means fat, no?”
“Tarzan not know. Tarzan have limited vocabulary.”
“Stooop! Oh, I can’t laugh anymore.”
They returned to the house, and Todd left Sebby at the love seat. “I’ll get you some ice.” He went to the kitchen and fetched ice in a baggie and hurried to return, nearly running into Ethan.
“I didn’t want to tell Sebby yet,” Ethan said without preamble, “but I called the station, and Collin’s out on bail.”