by Taryn Quinn
“I don’t know. I hope so. I think so, maybe.” I blew out a breath. “But if she doesn’t, I’m a patient man. I’ll just keep at her until she has no choice.”
He surprised me by laughing. “Stubborn to a fault, you and your brother.”
Questions sprung to my mind about what he’d said about my mother having a child with another man, questions I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear the answers to. Not now. Today Ally and Laurie and our future family was where my head was at. As well as my heart.
“Yeah. Not too bright when it comes to pleasing a woman either,” I added. My father coughed and I smiled. “Not like that. We’re both good there. Well, I know I am. He’s probably just all talk.”
“He is about most things.”
My smile grew. “I meant more about saying the words, giving out the romance. I kinda suck at that.”
“Oprah,” he said gravely.
I laughed. “What?”
“She told women not to settle. Now they all want a free car and a fairy tale.”
Back to the fairy tale. Obviously the universe was trying to send me a message. I was listening.
“If any woman deserves one, it’s Ally. She deserves the big dream, all wrapped up in a big bow.”
Maybe I did too.
I reached for my phone. I had some preparations to make before the reunion on Friday.
It was fucking fairy tale time.
19
Ally
I snagged my keys on the way out the door. My phone was in my back pocket, but it was off. I wasn’t stupid about going out without it, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. All the voices were too confusing.
Sage and her effervescent positivity.
Seth and his seductive laugh rolled in innuendo and faint promises.
Laurie and her wide smiles and happiness.
All of it was too much. I didn’t know which to trust, especially when my own voice was so very silent. Tucked in like a turtle in front of a predator. The problem was, I didn’t know where to turn, so the shell seemed prudent. Only my shell was Seth’s house—again.
This one not often used. One of the half dozen properties his family owned on the cove. Whispers always called it the Mistress House after one of the Hamilton men who kept his affairs away from the main house. Now it mostly lay empty and one of the places I could actually be alone in this town. Everyone in an out of each other’s business was generally a comfort to me, but right now every person I ran into wanted to know when Seth and I were going to get married and make babies.
How that little tidbit got around, I had no clue. But I figured a certain blond might have something to do with it. The diner was the center of the town in more ways than one. And teasing Seth about his manly bits in front of a dozen patrons certainly didn’t help my cause. No one could actually have a fling in this town.
Even if the mere idea of fling and Seth in the same sentence made my chest tighten.
He’d never been that for me, even when I wanted him to be. When the idea of making a kid with him took hold, there’d been little hope for my heart to truly stay mine. It had always been his, but only I’d known it. That had been somehow easier than this.
All my dreams and happiness were wrapped up in his little girl and the man himself. I wasn’t sure I could face all of that again. Loving him could be the one thing that would actually break me in the end.
I hiked up the grassy hill into the trees and the path that rounded Crescent Cove. The house was beautiful, but not as pristine as the other Hamilton holdings. But that didn’t much matter when it came to the view. The lake, the town, and the little gazebo looked picturesque from here. The sun glittered off the lake. No mirror sheen here. No, our cove was choppy and a bit wild. It suited me right to the ground.
The idea of moving out of Crescent Cove killed me. Because if things didn’t work out between us, I’d have to leave. I couldn’t face seeing him in town no matter what happened. My hand slid over my flat belly. Especially if there was a child growing inside me. Would he get what he wanted and be done with me? Or just keep me around in a mother capacity?
Would I be forever on the outside looking in?
I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to do that. Even though I wanted a family so very much, I wasn’t sure I could take half-measures now.
I’d hiked these hills for days and still couldn’t find an answer. I looked away from the town and the water and caught sight of the little abandoned church on the far side of the cove. The only thing there now was the cemetery. The town had taken the church in the center square as their own since I’d been a kid, but the cemetery had always been up away from the water.
I hadn’t been there since we’d buried my mom that one sunny day. I’d been at peace about her leaving me. Mostly because the woman I’d loved had left long before. Even at the end when her body had turned on her so completely, she’d had a sweet smile until the very end.
She just hadn’t been my mom.
I ducked through the trees and up the less used path to the little church. There was an old dirt road that the processionals used, but I didn’t want to drive up. The stretch of muscles and the sun helped the nausea that had been living inside me for the last week. Another thing I just wasn’t quite ready to face.
As evidenced by the plastic bag tucked away in my knapsack at the Hamilton camp. The one burning a hole in the worn canvas.
I’d traveled over two towns to buy it. In a nearby city where no one knew who I was. I’d wrapped the box in two bags and shoved it deep down. Fitting since all I ever did was shove things down so I didn’t have to look at them.
It was getting really tiresome.
I lifted my face to the sun and uncapped the water bottle at my hip. Even if I didn’t want an answer just quite yet, I wasn’t stupid. A few hours in the summer sun could put me down like a puppy. So I guzzled down half the bottle and stuck it back in its little holster. I kept hiking, taking a shortcut across the trail and up instead of around the lazy walking trail.
Right then it felt more important to get to the little hill under the Japanese maple at the far side of the cemetery. The headstones came into view and my chest ached. I ran my fingertips over the old stones at the front. The mausoleum to the left with Hamilton engraved across the top told the history of our town better than any story in the library.
Huge. Moneyed. Overwhelming.
I turned away from the testament to privilege and status toward the edges of the cemetery where the plots were smaller, but no less taken care of. To the ivory angel standing guard over my mom’s grave. She was small and fairy-like beside the simple marker with her name and the dates. I brushed away the leaves and tugged out a few weeds before dropping cross-legged in front of her headstone.
“Hi, Mom.”
I didn’t even know what I really wanted to say, but it felt good to say hello. I cleared my throat. “I hope you can hear me. Even if you can’t, I’ll just pretend. I’m good at that.” I dashed away a tear I hadn’t realized was rolling down my cheek. “So, I did a thing. I swore I wouldn’t, but I did it anyway.”
“I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I look back now and wonder how I lasted as long as I did. Actually, that’s probably one more lie I’ve told myself.” I laughed before leaning forward to brush away dust on the base of her headstone. “I love him, Ma. So much that it scares the crap out of me. Like my chest feels overfull with it. And his little girl? God. She’s the sweetest thing. She’s gotten so big since you’ve seen her.”
I dashed away another tear. “I think you’d remember her. Seth used to bring her to see you, but I know the stuff they gave you had you really out of it.”
But I remembered the smiles. Whenever Laurie came over, there was always a smile on my mom’s face. Of course that little girl brought sunshine with her everywhere.
My little girl.
She was mine for all intents and purposes.
Just like Seth.
I bowed my head as the tea
rs kept flowing. They didn’t hurt though. It finally felt freeing. “I miss you so much. Sage is good to talk to for most of this mess I’m in, but I miss crawling up next to you on the couch and letting you play with my hair while you told me everything was going to work out. Because I’m so afraid it won’t. I’m not sure I could bear it if he doesn’t feel the same.”
But it really felt like an empty fear. There was so much in my head. The touches, the laughter, the little moments with Laurie.
And then me running.
Always running away when things got too big, felt like too much.
Instead of staying to see how things went, I escaped before the answers could hurt me.
I tipped my head back to the sun and the breeze lifted my hair to whip my ponytail around. I laughed and brushed back the tears. “Okay, I got it.”
If I didn’t stick around, I wouldn’t have to face reality.
The reality of asking for more. For deserving more. I brushed my hand over my middle. For hoping for more.
“I think I’m finally creating a family of my own, Mom.” I huffed out a laugh when the breeze whirled around me and leaves danced. “I know I am.” I pressed my palm to the cool marble stone. “I know you always loved him. And you probably knew I did this whole time, too.”
I sniffed as the tears dried and the sun peeked from the clouds that were ever present thanks to the lake. I spun around and leaned against my mother’s headstone and let the sun soak into my bones. It was peaceful here and that had been a rare commodity in my life lately.
When a handful of people came to pay their respects to their own families, I stood and brushed off my pants. I kissed my fingertips and touched the angel then the marker. “Keep watch over her.”
I went for the winding road this time. Then followed it down to the little picnic area to feed the bold ducks who swarmed the children. By the time I’d gotten to the little cabin I’d been hiding in, I was finally hungry.
I climbed the back steps to the kitchen and unearthed the peanut butter crackers I’d brought with me. It was the only thing that didn’t seem to annoy my touchy stomach.
Cleaning up was definitely in order. I was dusty from the trails and sweaty from the sticky humidity clinging to the air. I grabbed my bag on my way down the hall to the small room with black and white tiles. My shower was infinitely more luxurious. The apartment I shared with Sage—sort of, considering I spent most of my time with Seth or working—had two shower heads and steamed up to a life-changing level. But the ancient claw footed tub would do for today.
In fact…
I dug into one of the lower cabinets and found an old bath bomb I’d left here a few summers ago. The girls from the diner had given me a big spa kit to relax. Since I wasn’t really great at relaxing, I’d left it here when I’d done an overnight with Laurie.
The only kind of camping I’d ever do was spending a night in this cabin.
I filled the tub and dropped the purple rock into the water. It fuzzed and bubbled, releasing the sweet scent of lilacs and vanilla. I turned on my phone for music and flicked away the dozen messages that came through. I wasn’t quite ready to face all my realities just yet.
I shrugged off my clothes and stepped into the scalding water with a hiss.
Nope, it was time for some Keith Urban and a bath to clear my head of the last of the cobwebs.
It was hard to empty my brain. I kinda sucked at it to be honest, but I had to try. I had to allow myself to really think through my options.
A glossy brochure stuck out of the top of my bag. Carefree students walking up pathways lined with lush green grass with stately buildings behind them. That could be my life.
My hand crept over my flat stomach. Or maybe I could embrace another life, while still achieving my hopes of getting my education. My mom had dreamed of me leaving and doing something grand. She’d worked her fingers raw to tuck a little away for me until she couldn’t keep pushing on anymore.
The thing was, I didn’t have to leave my home and start over in a new place to have a new beginning. It was hard to imagine a more perfect place for me than Crescent Cove, wrapped around the water. My home was here. My job, my friends. Sage.
Seth and Laurie—my family. My heart.
The pregnancy test hiding at the bottom of my bag.
It was probably too soon. My period was late. But that happened sometimes, so most likely it was nothing. I wasn’t going to take the test here in any case.
When and if I took that step, I would do it with Seth.
My fingers drifted up to cup my sore breasts. My nipple tightened at his name lingering in the fringes of my brain. Seth, who’d shown me just what I’d been missing this entire time.
I slid up higher to my neck and the curls at the nape of my neck. Would our little one be dark like us? My rich brown hair, and his near black? Or would her hair be auburn like my mom’s?
I lowered myself into the scented water that was rapidly cooling.
So much to deal with, so much to plan.
So much to discuss with Seth.
I stood up and rinsed with the little handle shower head. It was time to stop hiding. I liked to think it was easier, but that wasn’t really the truth either.
I tucked a towel around me and drained the tub, rinsing out the last of the bath bomb as I drip-dried enough to tug on my clothes. My worn jeans that I couldn’t part with, the old lacrosse shirt I’d stolen from Seth.
Always Seth.
I wandered back out to the main living space and my gaze drifted around the rustic, glass-walled room. We’d sprawled on the faded green rug on the first day of classes we’d skipped together junior year, passing back and forth a bottle of some foul-tasting stuff Seth stole from his dad’s liquor cabinet. He’d stopped short of getting drunk, but I hadn’t. I’d savored the freedom in laughing at nothing and lying on my back on the sun-warmed floor, staring up through the skylight at a sky full of marshmallow clouds. I was the girl with too many responsibilities, and he’d always been my ticket to fun and possibilities.
He still was.
I sat on the couch and reached for my iPad. I flipped the cover closed and tucked the tablet into my bag, setting it on the wicker chair beside me.
I couldn’t even pretend to care about the school schedule in there anymore. As much as I wanted to make my mother proud, and to spread my wings, I had to admit the truth. Online classes might be something I investigated more someday, but right now I was firmly invested in my life just as it was. Part of me always wanted to see what was out there, but my current reality was looking better and better.
If I didn't chicken out before I went for what I truly wanted.
The thwack of the screen door dragged me out of my musings. No one knew I was here. I reached for my purse and the can of pepper spray I kept in the zipper pocket. Sage insisted I carry it at all times, even when I had nothing but my wallet in my pocket.
“Alison?”
I sagged back against the chair. Not a burglar. A Hamilton. “Back here. What are you doing here, Oliver?”
He stepped into the sunroom, his back ramrod straight. His impeccable three-piece suit didn’t dare look wilted. My T-shirt was already sticking to me. The little house by the water was usually cool, but there wasn’t a single cool corner of Crescent Cove right now. Humidity and heat sat over the town like a shroud.
Not that you’d know it from Oliver.
“Finally. Do you have any idea how many people are looking for you?”
“I told Sage I needed a few days.” I lifted my chin. “I wasn’t feeling so hot.”
“The whole town is buzzing about this stupid reunion and here you are, tucked away.”
All the sureness I’d been feeling filtered right out of me. The reunion was tonight. Ignorance really was bliss. Why did he have to remind me?
He tilted his head. “May I?”
I shrugged. “It’s your place.” I sighed. “Actually, no. How the heck did you know I’d be here?”<
br />
He paused mid-step over the threshold. “Because I come here to think too.”
I frowned. “You’re the one who’s been staying here?”
His eyebrow rose. “Just how often do you come here, Alison?”
“Not often. It’s been months, actually, before the past few days. I didn’t think anyone came here, but the sheets in the bedroom were far too fresh.”
Oliver let out a frustrated sigh and tugged at his tie. “Yes, well sometimes one needs the simple and the quiet to think. May I come in?”
He owned the place, and he was asking me for permission. Unusually sweet for Oliver, but I needed some kindness right now. Desperately.
“Depends. Are you friend or foe?”
“I hope friend.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen Oliver show an emotion other than disdain or disinterest. Especially toward me. “Why?”
“Fair question. I believe we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.”
“For thirteen years? I think that would be an understatement.”
He dipped his hands into his pockets. “The Hamilton men aren’t known for their grace with the fairer sex.”
“Maybe you and your father, but I’m pretty sure Seth got the brunt of your share.”
“Probably true.”
And yet Oliver is the one who found me, not his brother. Did Seth even notice I’d been missing? And now I was just being melodramatic. Seth had been texting me a few times a day every day.
I’d told him I needed a little thinking time.
I slid my hand over my belly self-consciously and sat forward, hunching my shoulders. I was already going into protective mode for a child that may or may not even exist. “Is Seth with you?”
“No.”
I breathed out a sigh of relief. “Good.”
“Is there a reason you wouldn’t want to see my brother?”
“No.” I shoved my keys and pepper spray back into my bag. “Yes.” I stood and crossed to the windows of the screened-in porch, hoping for a breeze off the water. It had helped earlier, but my mom wasn’t talking now.