He zoomed in on one word, the only one that mattered. Calling on all his will, he kept his hands fisted at his sides. “Falling?”
“Yes, Jarrett.” She rubbed her cheek against his before pulling back again. “I know you don’t believe me, but I’d lost perspective and all objectivity where you were concerned. I didn’t want to double-down and head back for more training. I wanted to stay with you.”
“Do you remember how that day ended, Becca?” He grabbed her arms, careful not to dig his fingers in, though the hammering of blood through his body made that difficult. He stared her down. “Do you really get what happened to me after you were gone?”
“I can tell you how it tore me apart.”
This was wishful thinking or revisionist history, anything but the full truth. “But you didn’t step up and help. You let me rot while your friends took turns ripping my life apart.”
“I was a mess. It’s no excuse, but I stopped functioning.”
He wanted to shake her, make her stop lying, but he forced his muscles not to move. “You walked away.”
“I did.”
“And for some reason, now I’m no longer the bad guy in your mind.”
“You never really were. Even when I thought you did something awful, I couldn’t hate you. I mourned what I’d lost, but that’s a different thing.”
The rage seeped out of him and the strength left his body. “You can try to convince yourself, but we both know none of that is true.”
“I know you’re not ready to hear the truth about what I wanted with you.” She cupped his face in her palm. “But I needed to say it. You needed to know.”
“It doesn’t change anything.”
What a fucking lie. He knew the words were empty when he uttered them. Now he had to do something about Natalie’s damn deadline. Something that would save Becca and end the stalking of her. Something more than just standing his ground.
This new cast of history already started shifting the facts around in his head. The fury he’d fueled and stoked since being in jail slipped further out of reach. Her being in his condo, so close, lying in bed with her and watching as she fought every rule he put in place to preserve his sanity, made revenge harder. Now she was saying things that mattered, and his last hold on making her pay slipped out of his grasp. And while he was surrendering, he went the final step and gave up the hold on his bedroom. He wanted her there, and there was no longer a need to pretend otherwise.
“I didn’t expect anything I said to matter.” Her sentence broke off as she shook her head. “Communication isn’t our strong point, but there are some places we excel.”
Funny, but he thought they were doing better this time around, under tense circumstances, than they did eight months ago. But he couldn’t deal with it all now, so the time for talk was over.
They had better things to do. “You mean in bed.”
“Yes.”
“Let’s get there.” He pulled her into his arms and sighed in relief when she wrapped her legs around his hips and her arms around his neck.
“Are you sure you’re ready for me?” she whispered the question against his mouth.
He hoped to hell he didn’t drop her until they hit the bed because that tie thing was happening. Right fucking now.
“I’ll show you just how ready in a second.”
Somehow he got them into his bedroom. Between kissing her and sliding his hands over her bare ass, he was half done with foreplay. He’d slow it down for her but would probably explode in the process.
Satisfaction surged through him when he dropped her on the bed. So many nights he’d made the long walk from her bed back to his, cursing his pride and her lying with every step. No more waiting. No more stopping his needs in order to feed his fury.
With his palms against the mattress, he leaned in and kissed her. Felt her unknot his tie and start on the buttons of his shirt. His mouth wandered and teased. When he deepened the kiss, his brain crashed. He didn’t realize she’d stripped off his jacket until he stood back up again.
While she sat there and watched, he ripped off his shirt with jerky movements. Then he was on her again, his chest against hers as he pushed her against the bed. Her hands skimmed up his back while his went down her stomach. His middle finger found her wetness and slipped inside to rub over her clit. Back and forth, round and round until she moaned into his mouth.
Her legs shifted around him and her hips left the bed. But he didn’t stop. He kissed her, letting his tongue mimic the in-and-out brush of his fingers inside of her. He waited until she thrashed. Until she pressed her thighs tight against him to let his body move to the next step.
“Jarrett, now.”
He wanted her to beg but settled for the order. Forcing his body to pull back zapped most of his energy. When she threw her arms out and tugged him close again, he almost gave in. But she’d asked to be tied down and he was going to give it to her.
“Not yet,” he said.
“I can’t wait.” When he sat up, she pressed her legs tight together.
He knew she was trying to clench tight enough to find relief. Not that he would let that happen.
“Oh, no.” Sliding his palms up her legs, he parted her thighs again. “You have to wait until I give permission.”
Knowing his control teetered right on the edge, he didn’t waste time. He rolled his zipper down and pulled off the rest of his clothes. All while she watched. Her gaze never left him. It toured over his body as he revealed every part of him to her.
He reached into his closet only long enough to grab two ties off the rack just inside the door. Smoothing the silk through his fingers, he walked back to the bed. Before he could move her or give his next order, she raised both arms above her head. Long and sexy, stretching her body out to the full length of his bed. He had to grind his teeth together to keep from getting on top of her and ending this right now.
“Tie me up.” She sent him a smile filled with sensual promise. “I want it.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he reached for her wrist and brought her hand to his mouth. A lick against her palm. Then a kiss.
His gazed locked with hers as his mouth traveled up her arm to the soft inside of her elbow. When she started shifting on the mattress, he brought her arm back to the bed and slipped the tie around her wrist, looped it around the bedpost. She didn’t say a word as he bound her second hand. Not tight. She could easily break free, but when she grabbed on to the silk, crushed it in her hands, he knew she planned to stay right where she was.
Taking a slow walk around the room, he ended back at her feet. With one knee on the bed and his hands on her ankle, he drew her legs up until he lay between her thighs and her feet balanced against the mattress. “Now, we play.”
He dipped his head and swept his tongue over her lips. One pass, a second. When her leg fell to the side, he sped up, flicking over her until she thrashed against the sheets and tugged on the bindings holding her.
“Jarrett, please.”
The begging.
He loved the begging. “You need to come first.”
And she was right on the edge. Every muscle pulled tight and her body opened for him to do anything he wanted. His mouth continued and when he added his fingers, her hips went wild. Heavy breaths filled the dark room. Her feet flexed and her stomach dipped. With one final pass of his tongue, he felt her body shudder as she let out a stammered exhale.
The orgasm hit her then. Coursed through her as he watched. Still he used his tongue, feeling the sensitive muscles inside her contract and clench.
“Now, Jarrett.” The punctuated words came out between pants.
This time he listened. Blood pounded in his cock and the room started to spin. Climbing up the bed, he fit his body against hers and kissed her again. He rubbed his tip against her, dipping inside.
She
turned her head to the side on the pillow. “Condom.”
The spinning stopped and everything inside him froze. “What?”
“Protection.”
Guilt crashed over him. “Damn, I’m so sorry.”
Her mouth covered his in an electric kiss. Not a quick one either. Long and firm, before facing him again. “Both our fault.”
He lifted his hips away from her as a splash of cold washed over him. “Becca—”
“Get it.”
His brain battled with his lower half. They were at two very different places. He might have pulled back, sat up, done something a decent guy running on his last ounce of common sense might do. Then she lifted her hips and rubbed her wetness against his cock and his mind went blank again.
“Are you sure?” He looked down in those eyes searching for anger or disappointment. He only saw heat.
“Find one now or I will rip these bindings off and you’ll be the one tied down.”
Her commanding tone snapped him out of his stupor. Moving now, he kneeled on the bed and grabbed for the knob on the nightstand. With the packet in his hand he looked back to her. Rolling it on, he shifted back to the bed.
Those sexy eyes watched him. Followed him as he moved.
Her legs fell open. “Do it.”
“Oh, yeah.” His body hadn’t cooled after all. Blood pounded in his cock and his body begged for release.
With his hands under her calves, he lifted her legs and balanced her feet over his shoulders. She gasped as her hips rotated off the bed and he opened her wide to his penetration. He rubbed the tip back and forth, sliding over her, back and forth, until her body moved in time with his.
She pulled on the ties as her back arched. “Now, Jarrett.”
Yes, now.
EIGHTEEN
A half hour later Becca lay sprawled across Jarrett. She moved her hand and felt a tickle. Looking down, she saw his aqua tie still wrapped around her wrist and flowing over the side of the bed. If she had an ounce of strength she’d take it off.
Not going to happen.
She tried to lift her head off his chest and gave up. She settled for looking around the room. This was her second trip behind the sacred door. The first was about getting in and out then getting the shock of her life. This time her initial focus centered on getting on the bed as fast as possible.
Now she scanned the room, taking in the clean lines and the small changes, like her photo no longer sitting on his nightstand. She never realized how much that mattered or what a huge gesture it had been for a man like Jarrett to include a piece of her in this space after such a short time together. Now it was gone. The loss of such a simple thing slammed into her like a punch to the chest.
To keep from focusing on the strange body blow, her gaze traveled back to the man under her. His arm wrapped around her for the first time in eight months and she welcomed the warming blanket of his touch.
When his breathing evened out and his hand brushed over hers where it lay on his chest, she knew he was awake. If he’d drifted off before, he was back now.
Her mind went to the look of disgust that crossed his face when she mentioned the condom. At first she thought the anger was aimed at her for slowing them down. Then she saw the expression for what it was—self-loathing. For a man used to exercising an extreme amount of self-control, she knew the lapse shocked him.
But the incident did bring up an issue. “That was close.”
His eyes opened.
“I mean the condom,” she said.
“Yeah, I know. Not my finest hour.” Frustration still lingered in his voice.
She was all for chivalry, but she was just as strong an advocate for taking care of herself. “You know I was here, too, right?”
“I don’t have a huge number of rules when it to comes to sex, but a decent guy—a smart one—protects the woman he’s sleeping with.” He rubbed a hand over his face.
She pulled it back down and leaned up on her elbow to get a better look at him. So much for all his protests about being a criminal and living on the dark side. A man who didn’t care about anything would certainly put the full weight of responsibility for birth control on the woman.
“I’m a big girl. It’s my responsibility, too. After all, I’ve been handling it for about a decade now. The slipup is on both of us, but it’s my body.”
He slipped his arm behind his head. “Tell me again why you’re not on birth control right now.”
“I haven’t been since I left you. Being on the run, birth control pills were not my biggest priority. I reached for the Kevlar vest instead.”
“Don’t you need it for the job?”
She shouldn’t have been insulted, but still the words squeezed tight around her heart. And not in a good way. “I haven’t slept with anyone else.”
He held her gaze for a full twenty seconds before nodding his head. “I guess that would have been tough, what with your team getting blown up and all.”
Sure, she threw that out there, being flip. But she didn’t want him hiding behind it. The full truth might scare the hell out of him, but it was still the truth. “That’s not why.”
“Okay. Then why?”
“The point is, if this is going to go on, we should think about getting me to a clinic for birth control. I can’t imagine trying to take care of a little guy on the road.” She sat up and tugged on the sheet beneath her. It didn’t move. Nothing did. The lack of anything had her glancing up again into Jarrett’s blank face. “What?”
In a move so slow it seemed to take forever, he sat up and leaned against the headboard. “You mean you’d have it.”
“A baby?”
“Isn’t that what we’re talking about here?”
It wasn’t until he asked the question that she realized what she’d said. Something so important and she’d tossed it out there without working it through or taking a second to figure out what it meant. “I . . . well, honestly, I hadn’t given it a thought.”
“Do it now.” A certain intensity pulsed off of him and was mirrored in his unwavering stare.
“My inclination is yes. I know that’s stupid because everything is in chaos right now, but . . .” The words felt right. Scary and stupid, yeah, most definitely stupid, but true. Growing up without a mother, she’d never felt the rush to become one herself. But the idea of having a part of him. Then she saw the paleness of his face. “Jarrett?”
“You would have the kid of a man you once hated.”
“That is not true. I have never hated you. Never.” She put a hand over his, trying to loosen his death grip. “Some days I wish I would have been able to, but no.”
“A baby.”
Then she realized this whole scene was as much about him turning over the idea as her. Clearly, he didn’t like the idea. He didn’t balk but his emotions had all but shut down. One more twist and he could actually hurt her arm, though she knew that wasn’t on purpose. He was lost in his thoughts. Still, the idea of having a baby with her had him in its grips and he was fighting it hard.
And that pissed her off.
“For God’s sake, Jarrett. I wouldn’t make you see our hypothetical baby or give me one cent. You can stop worrying.” She shrugged out of his hold and scooted back on the bed. Rubbing her wrist, she scowled at him, letting her anger flow through her as she wrestled with the idea of punching him in the stomach. “If you want me to sign some sort of agreement just in case, have Bast send it over.”
Jarrett’s hands dropped to each side of his hips. The open palms looked as if whatever had him stiff and tight had whooshed right out of him.
She had no idea what was going on.
Before she could ask, color rushed back through him and his face reddened. “You think I’d abandon you?”
She jerked back. Almost fell off the damn bed. “You’d want
me to stay?”
“Yes.”
What the hell was happening here? “Jarrett?”
He stood up next to the bed, naked and not showing any signs of caring. “Hell, I don’t know.”
That made two of them. But his reaction, the signs she could not piece together as shock and hurt, had her stammering. “We should—”
“Why are we talking about this when it’s not even a real thing?”
“Because we’re grown-ups and when grown-ups have sex, as often as we do, this topic needs to come up and get handled.” Her voice stayed calm. She even managed to sound reasonable. Inside, her nerves jangled and twisted, but she maintained calm on the outside. Somehow.
His eyes narrowed. “Are you pregnant?”
“No.” She didn’t think so. They’d stumbled and came close to messing up here, but they’d otherwise been careful. She had no reason to believe the birth control failed and didn’t fear that issue despite the conversation.
“You’re sure?”
Not the more he talked about it. “We’ve come close to skipping the condom more than once. In light of that I’m trying to be realistic about where we go from here.”
“But you’d keep my baby.”
She blew out a long breath and stood up. They faced each other across the big bed. She didn’t bother reaching for a sheet or covering up because he’d seen and touched everything. She wasn’t ashamed of her body and he sure didn’t have a problem showing his off.
“Yes, Jarrett. Standing here, right now, I say I would.”
“Okay.” He made the word last for three syllables.
Not exactly the response she wanted, but then she didn’t know what either of them should say or believe right now.
“Now, before we start picking out names for our not-real baby, maybe we could—” When he turned and walked into the closet, she just stood there. Then the second wave of anger smashed into her. His house or not, walking away amounted to throwing down the gauntlet and asking for a fight. “Where do you think you’re going?”
Mercy Page 19