“What is it, you devil? What is it?”
She pushes me away with a laugh… so she thinks I’m a devil… I’ve got it now!
“Ah! What is it? Wait! Just wait! I like you an awful lot!”
I explain that she shouldn’t grow frightened… I was just fooling around with my myum-myums… pretending to eat her… even though she’s good enough to eat, and that’s a fact… I sort of ease her mind, I cuddle her… Kaboom! Kaboom! Their crashing and banging! Our beasts are back at it again upstairs! They nip my song-and-dance in the bud… It starts all over again… the God-awful racket! At full blast! They’ve flown back into their fit! Twice as wild! They’re going to demolish the whole shack… you can see the roof, the way it’s wobbling… the windows are buckling… the birds zooming away… It’s a hell-raisers’ holocaust… they’re starting to smash everything to smithereens!… They must be pounding their masks to a pulp… grinding down the workshop to dust… shaking the place to its foundations… unbelievable!… You can’t hear yourself think any more out here in the garden… chunks of tiles, the hammered glass, shards of zinc come hailing down on our heads… Ah! The juiced-up sonsabitches! The lousy creeps! They sure as hell must have been drinking like fish, in private… a real pair of hypocrites behind closed doors… You can bet your life they’re half crocked, loopy with liquor… unless it’s the gas again?… Unless they flipped into a stark-raving rage after a sniff of that stinking crap?… It was just their style… but they’ve outdone themselves this time! Ah! Those jokers smashing everything to bits! I can see them from here… I can picture the scene… wrecking the whole damn joint!… Busting up every single thing in sight!… Nothing’ll be left the way they’re whaling away!… Echoing up to clouds! What a juicy scandal this’ll stir up!… The racket spilling over the whole grounds and street… nature and the cops!… They’ve driven the angels away!… A nice start… drowned out the voices from heaven, extinguished the magic of the lights, the pink and blue candelabras… what a terrific success… a lot to be proud about!… The seraphim have vanished, their enchanted procession… and they’d been heading right for us, I saw them in their sumptuous velvets, their festive diadems… advancing in our direction, descending step by step from the clouds to whisper their secrets in our ears… Our happiness was all in the works! These first glimpses were wonderful! And those loony slobs made it all disappear into thin air!… And they weren’t about to call it quits any time soon! They wouldn’t let up until they trashed every single piece of equipment! Damn right! An enormous echo rumbling inside, like a slew of cauldrons bubbling away inside some volcano ready to blow its top! Ah! Each and every crash was awful… I was afraid to move I was so ashamed… afraid to look at Virginia any more… all my gushing cut short… Maybe they were brawling amid the wreckage? Maybe they weren’t just whomping away on the cauldrons?… But on each other, a duel to the death? They had it in them… Sosthène was for sure the one who’d thrown down the gauntlet at the other nutcase… I was certain! Ah! I knew him… I felt like burrowing underground in shame… and just when my sweet nothings were in full swing… in the heat of our tender heart-to-heart… such no-good jackals! Ah! You can’t even breathe with such bastards around… I need some air!…
But it didn’t dim the kid’s spirits… on the contrary, she thought they were funny, she laughed good-heartedly.
Under the impact of their horrendous whacks the house shook, split apart… everywhere the windows burst, the roof flew off in pieces… More than any man could take! Ah! I’d reached my limit! I start running! Fleeing! I ditch the kid! Beat it straight out of there… Then break into a gallop, charge along!… Two-three times around the house!… I hurt myself the way I’m overworking my leg! Tough shit, zoom! Into the air, Christ Almighty! Pour it on! Pour it on!… Literally off the handle! Lift off… actually rocket from bush to bush… pursued by their hell-raising din… “Dumb shit!” I shout, spurring myself on… “You’ll never set foot again in this filthy dump! Never again, it’s your curse! They don’t give a good goddamn about you! The news is all over! You pathetic chump! Not a second to waste! Off like a shot! All together now! Sosthène, the screwball, and the kid! You didn’t see a thing, private! What a journey! Yeah, right, are they ever tossing a slap-up party for you, best wishes, Jesus, what clever bastards! Get cracking! Never set eyes on them again! Especially not on her! The little kiddie-poo! She’s a slick customer! Pint-sized sorceress! She’ll have you going back into battle, she’ll bamboozle you into eternal rest! She’ll work things out with her uncle, the whole plot’s already hatched!… Ah! You’re no match for them, you candy ass!” That’s what I dish out to myself… to snap out of it give myself some backbone! Escape! Vamoose! But even so I couldn’t leave without a few words first… a little piece of my mind for that bratty bitch… budding butcher, just open your eyes!… A little taste of the tone I’ll take… I’ll tell her how she’d taken advantage… nah, that would be too easy!… Could be I’d been seeing things, I could really get worked up at times… everybody’s saddled with their own weaknesses… but as far as taking advantage goes, that’s a whole other story! She’s not going to get out of it so easy!… Ah! Damned little slut!
In just such a gambolling rage I plotted my revenge out loud… Veer! Storm ahead! Tear across the lawn!… Legs churning like mad… even the crippled one, the gimp peg! In the fiery rush of my fury a sharp right and zoom! Pirouette! I can’t stop myself!… Those two jokers are in a red-hot fit… So help me they’re rattling me pretty bad! I’m swept along by their racket… like they’re pounding on a hundred anvils with all their might… Goddamned drums and thunder from hell! I bolt off, barrelling, a cannonball! Right down the centre path! Quick buck with my butt! Zoom! Bye-bye, baby! I land right smack on the front steps… Whew! I’m back inside the building, the large vestibule… Ah! I huff and puff, take a breather, sniff… I look all over for my Virginia… She’s disappeared again! Where’d that little tramp get to! Impudent snotnose! Man, am I mad! I catch a whiff of her perfume… a peppery carnation fragrance, her shock of hair… I gallop across the rug… run knock the maid right off her feet… she shrieks loudly… I’m trembling like a mutt who’s just lost his mistress! Panting! Sweating blood!… Frothing at the mouth… off my rocker, I lift myself up, bolt off on my trick leg… crash on my ass, topple backwards… my head’s ringing, I slump down… my kid’s nowhere to be found!… Not in the salon! Not in the garden! Maybe in the bedroom?… “Ah! Come on, slow down, buddy! Just take a look at yourself in a mirror! You’re going to scare her again! Don’t show up looking like such a shitty mess! And right in her room no less! You filthy lummox! You really ought to clean yourself up a little! Your suit’s already gone to the dogs!” I bawl myself out, fret, calm down while sitting there… Maybe I really will find her again after all! She’s not lost… Maybe I’ve just got to think it through… hash over all that’s happened… it’ll be good for me… I ought to put to use this quiet moment I have to myself… Ah! Kaboom! Fucking hell! The thunder crashes twice as loud! Another clanging cyclone is ripping loose upstairs! Their session’s not over! Our two experts are still in the heat of their toil!… Busting their butts with all their scrap-metal might! The party’s rolling full blast! I’d thought they’d already destroyed each other… and bang! And boom! And wham-bam-bong! Not only haven’t they pooped out yet, they’re going stronger!… Nothing must be spared! They slam away in a full-metal frenzy… the rage of the cyclopes!… Nothing can stand in their way… The racket shakes the eyes in your head… rattles your sockets… the whole building’s jumping, jiggling, all the furniture too, the enormous chest of drawers, the chandelier’s swinging itself loose along with its thousand crystals, all tinkling, the sound of music! The big chest I’m sitting on spins left, right, all around, lifting me, launching me! I hang on… Ah! It’s like a bombardment! That’s what their violence is like! A quaking volcano! They erupt in another furious binge!… The walls are cracking right before my eyes… They sure mustn’t
realize their own strength any more… they’re going to bring the whole joint down… they’re like pneumatic drills… Arms as powerful as some sort of Creusot!*… Ah! they scare me to death!… I step out onto the perron, look around… at that very second a red rocket… an awful blast from the roof… a stream of sparks!… It’s the anvil crashing through the joists! Everything’s shooting, flying, crackling up in flames!… Ah! It’s terrifying!… Plus loads and loads more flames! The comet’s ass… yellow! Blue! Orange! A full peacock’s tail!… Whirling through the skies, the anvil and its tail!… Ah! Now’s no time to be gawking in admiration… It’s going to come to an awful end… What sort of experiments could they be conducting?… No time to think about that now!
“Virginia! Virginia!” I call out to her.
“Hello! Hello!”
“Show your face, kid!”
I couldn’t see her! she was there… standing right in front of my nose! Ah! Happiness! She was playing hide-and-seek with the bunny among the trees…
“Let’s go, hurry! My little girl!”
I lead her away! Can’t hang around this joint! Horrible things are going to happen… I’m starting to grow used to the routine… I don’t want to be one of the usual suspects again… the bunny scampers off on its own way… with a wee squeak…
*
Just what I thought… They’d unsealed a carboy of absolutely special gas which had made them sick, go ape shit after the first sniff… shot right to their brains… like two animals smoked from their lairs, caged, exploding in a howling snapping frenzy!… Butting their heads into whatever they saw!… Human monsters into battle!… A horrible fit!… The first whiff’s the worst, and then after that it’s just like being soused!… In fact, the entire carboy was Ferocious 92… with a touch of something extra, a small sealed glass flask, Ferocious concentrate… the methylomethyl gas super-distilled to fifteen times normal density, nothing else in the world could come close to its brain-killing punch… took no more than a millionth of a dose!… The discoverer was still flabbergasted by his find… in total shock, some high-school botany teacher in Dorchester who devoted just a few hours a week to his experiments. In short, one idle moment he’d set out treating yperite with methane salts, then super-compressed it through filigree glass until it was so dense that… well! A piece the size of a thimble weighed a ton!… That gives you a small hint of its intensity. Our two intrepid scientists sniffed the whole thing at one go, one ton per nostril! Flash reaction! So quickly that they’d charged at each other, purple, red with rage, and went at it, first whaling away at each other with their fists and then with whatever implements lying around they could lay their hands on, all the equipment in the joint, horrendously ransacked… the Colonel, so full of misgivings, afraid of getting hoodwinked, dubious about the reports, so suspicious about Ferocious, well, he had had his proof now! Two-three hundred punches’ worth right in his kisser, that’s how savagely the other guy went after him!… Just one small catch though, those two precious masks of theirs, with valves and feathers, were totally knocked out of shape… into smithereens… the workshop left in an awful shambles, the roof kissing the floor, not a single floor tile left, not one retort, every device reduced to slag, ground down, plastered against the floor… A revolting spectacle… out-and-out kill-crazy mania… the way they’d slugged the hell out of each was totally outrageous, demented, truly mind-boggling… without knowing why or how… mangling, carving, they left sweeping slashes across each other’s faces from the tips of the noses to the napes of their necks, skin, flesh, tearing off everything! Stabbing with scissors, trying planes, slicing away bloody shreds, using graters to hack away huge hunks of ear. They came out of their fit all cruddy, staggering like crazy, icky-trickling, pop-eyed, they’d frightened everybody, two scarecrows!… Even their dogs turned tail, and the servants were even worse, shrieking, the cook blacked out… they could already see all fingers pointing at them for having hatched some sort of plot to murder their masters… Ah! It was a bad scene! They wanted to inform the police, bring the whole story to light straight away to keep tongues from wagging… The Colonel nixed the idea, he’d come back to his senses, regained his composure, his cocksureness and even that pisser’s tick of his, hollering out of the blue with absolutely no warning “England rules the gases!” – his right arm shooting high into the air, rigid, at attention! And always at the most off-the-wall moments, and then following it up with a triple chorus of “Hip! Hip! Hurray!” Black and blue all over, crown covered with gashes, mouth solid red with clots of blood, Sosthène didn’t let himself be outdone… he echoed the Colonel and put his whole heart into it… “Hip! Hip! Hurray!” at the top of his lungs three times in a row!… Not a hint of hard feelings between them over that furious scrap – on the contrary it looked like it had brought them even closer, better buddies than before… they had to have a toast, celebrate this right away… at least three flasks of whisky. Sosthène, who normally never touched the stuff, became unhinged. The Colonel raised his glass five or six times to the health of that jolly good fellow Sosthène… “The gallant Frenchman” he called him… then to King George V! And then to the great magnificent Joffre! A perfect formula for working yourself up… Then to the great Sarah Bernhardt! And then to King Peter of Serbia! Then to the Lady of the Camellias! *… Nobody was left out! And quite naturally it turned out that he and Sosthène were all agreed to start everything all over again, their entire experiment from first step to last!… They were tickled pink over devastating the heap of gear, all the filters, the Muscovy glass, the sheet iron in their furious fit, they felt they’d done one bang-up job! Plus, Christ Almighty! Damn useful too! What a clean sweep! Now they were going to start back over, and with completely new methods! Hardly recognizable processes, much more clever patents whose tricky details boggled the imagination with their cleverness! Ah, fucking hell, and even me over here, things I couldn’t even begin to conceive, poor dumb shit that I was!… And they pissed themselves in hysterics over my astonishment, went into a perverse, rollicking laugh-riot over the prospect of the earth-shaking discoveries, the wonders… In short, the homicidal Ferocious gases had taught them a big lesson they’d never forget. In the end there was no denying it… The colossal clobbering had worked to wake them up, shake them out of their moronic self-confidence… Tempered them, yes it did, braced them body and soul! They were all raring to go! They went back to the drawing board… their masks weren’t up to sniff or snuff, they had their proof, all the equipment had to be restocked and with less than four weeks until the contest!… An all but impossible challenge! Not a minute to waste! They whacked each other with affectionate slaps that could have flattened an ox – the Colonel especially packed an incredible wallop… the way a little runt like him could send Sosthène flying three or four yards away into the walls… reeling at each blow… All in all the really amazing part was that they didn’t kill each other while they were at it… the thought was definitely running through my mind as I watched… All the extras must have been what saved them, all the padding soldered to their masks, their high bristle-top crests, the whole cockeyed contraption, the Greek-like high visor, Medusas and Gorgons, Peloponnesian warriors… that’s what had really absorbed the blows, spared their foreheads, got to admit… but they needed to start back over again! Ah, absolutely in the same style! Embellishments! Embellishments! Even for the inlet and pneumatic valves, down to the last detail guilloched, outlined, bordered in pure silver… Embellishments! Embellishments! The Colonel demanded flash everywhere… Mustn’t remove a single item, not a single feather, not a single plume… I had to go out and buy a boa, with splendid plumage, for seven guineas, the finishing touch for his crown piece, this little factory on his head…
“Looks are everything!”
That was his motto… engineering with style!
“Smart! Smart! We’ll be smart!” Stuck to his guns on that score… “We’ll be smart!”
To hear him tell it, appearances were half the contest
. First priority: impress the judges, make the panellists go ape… next came technique, the marvels of his soft valves, his reversible piping…
“Smart and efficient!… And different!”
“Different” meant in the English sense… eccentric… irresistible… the situation was looking up!… Since they’d destroyed everything in their invigorating rage, cleaned out the whole floor, left the laboratory in shambles, I was going to have a chance for a good time, bop around town! The whole shebang fell on my shoulders – reassembling all the equipment, dashing out for hardware, coupling rings, crystal ware, everything they’d smashed, bashed, trashed…
Had to race over to Soho, Tottenham, over to Bromley for the piping, the valves, to highly specialized factories, way out past Chislehurst, where they calibrated Muscovy glass to a filigree thinness, for all of London and the dominions! And, no kidding, I really had to keep my eyes open! And not be off by a single micron, hair’s breadth, one breath, one eyelash! The Muscovy glass was incredibly important for protecting the eyes!… I had to dig up even more mind-boggling doodads, tungsten filters, magnetic needles, ruby dust – they’d incinerated everything… When they saw me back fishing around, the suppliers would jump at the bait!… I had to keep mum about what was going on… yet somehow spark their interest, get the job done and not forget anything!… The Colonel stuck to his guns on that point, he wanted nothing but gorgeous finery.
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