“Hear the birds!… Hear the birds…” I try the bird business again… That’s all I could come up with… “Honey buns!… Honey buns!…” The words sounded soft and sweet to her… helped wipe away her sorrow… I tried to think of something… I knew what she was going through… Ah! She was really and truly upset… Ah! I wanted to console her… she could see real clear that it broke my heart too… I didn’t know how to say it in English… that it broke my heart… I was so fond of her… that’s it!… I was so fond of her… so little and cradled against my shoulder!…
“You sure?…” Ah! I blurted out the same question again. Ah! Damn!… Ah! Phooey! Ah! It did matter! Ah! I was shaking!… All this crap dumped on my head!… At the same time!… Just couldn’t be!…
“You sure?”
“Yes!… Yes!…”
Just like that she told me “yes… yes…” nodding… against my arm… sobbing her heart out!… Ah! She was rattling me!… Ah! I couldn’t take any more!…
“Then I won’t go!…”
I made up my mind then and there… couldn’t do better than that…
“I’ll never leave!…” I swear to her. “I’ll never leave you!… Ah! I swear… I swear!…” I wanted her to quit crying… I swear again…
She asked nothing of me…
Always!… Never!…
She kept up her crying though…
She wouldn’t quit… Ah! Her whole world was ending!… Ah! I knew what was happening! My stinking lousy loose morals!… Ah! It was her age!… Ah! It’d never occurred to me… I was young too… that’s a fact… you can’t think of everything… the snowballing excitement, the booze, the lights down in the club… the hell-raising bingbangboom! Craziness!… The whole mess from the Tweet-Tweet Club!… That all takes its toll!… But what about now?… Ah! My mind’s made up! Ah! I’m in earnest, my decision’s final… I swear to her again… and now she’s got to go to bed… it’s late!… Real late… out here on the bench… it’s chilly… the nightingale kept right on singing… it was a brisk but clear night…
“Go to bed, dear!… Go to bed… We’ll see tomorrow…”
She mustn’t catch cold… tomorrow we’d see… she was already shivering like mad… wasn’t wearing a coat… just her little dress… I left her at the foot of the stairs… mustn’t be seen together… She acted very sensibly… she was all too aware… I was ordering her around for her own good…
“Tomorrow, little one!… Tomorrow!…”
Promptly she obeyed… sweet and earnest!… I lingered in the garden… in the darkness… for a nice spell… and then I went back upstairs, up to bed, pretended to be asleep… Ah! Didn’t get much sleep!… Too many things running through my head… I couldn’t even hear myself buzzing any more…
*
Oh, yeah! Terrific! Sure thing! A new leaf! On your toes! Raring to go! Backbone… then you think it over… firm resolve… a heart of steel… standing tall!… And then you start wondering… real great, all doubt behind you… sworn up and down… absolutely positively… there in my arms… and yet… poor little bird, so trusting… I go mushy… ah! No funny business! I give myself a good shake… whip myself back into shape… my mind’s a muddle… I’m trembling all over… with horror… zeal… Put some heart into it! Buck up!… Wham, and throw yourself body and soul into the fray? Face the dangers?… Ah! I swear up and down on my medal!… If I lose my nerve they can kill me… That’s settled! Not a single step backwards! Stubborn as a mule!… And what if I’d disappeared, like some thug making his getaway! A fine how-do-you-do! An answer to the prayers of those bastards! By sticking it out this way I was throwing oil on the flames, a dishonest bum like me… Her uncle’s blood started boiling at the mere sight of me… if I disappeared life would be so much easier… everything would all work out… little good-for-nothing cradle-robber… slimy little delinquent… Sure enough! Sure enough!… A hardened criminal back on the lam… the stinking whimpering weasel… yellow-bellied Romeo… French vermin, polluting hearth and hospitality! Sly little snotnose chicken big phoney! Randy French devil! Hot crotch! Polluting England! Take that! This guy’s got what he deserves! Her uncle’s revenge, treating a rotten-to-the-core bum this way… the girl might come out of it with just two-three rounds with the riding crop… Whoopee! Another go at that little ass!… Because I was the ugly customer… Once I was out of his sight he’d forgive her… He’d keep her under his roof… that was the main thing… Little by little it’d all be forgotten… except for her bundle of joy naturally… it’d be popping out when the weather turned nice… by my count it was due sometime in April… the key was for me to scram, no mistake about it… I’d clear out of the way… And then they’d all come together as a family… Up we go then, hop to it, no pussyfooting around! You’ve got to show some guts whichever direction you take… whether you attack or cut and run… I told myself: you’re not responsible… and then I’d start eating myself up all the same… harrowed trembling… what a disgrace!… This constant waffling… let’s say I insist on staying put… confronting the old geezer, the law, the cops… well, sort of anyway? A faithful, awesome romantic hero? What would happen to us?
One big bust!…
I cave in, splutter, chicken out… Paralysed with fear again… I’ll never be able to go through with it!… I start ticking off the problems, imagining… running over it all in my mind again… Scared myself to death!… I’m going off the deep end just thinking about it… me and her off somewhere together… in her condition… knocked up and all that… whoosh, I whisk her away!… Dump the whole crazy joint, the grub, her uncle, the works! Take-charge heroics!… Long live freedom! An outdoors girl! The streets and the asphalt belong to us! We’ll live on love alone! A family in the gutter! Ah! What a pretty picture we’d make! Especially given her condition!… She’d feel hungry, queasy… and then hungry again!… Grub’s a bitch… doesn’t grow in the street… sure, we could always panhandle… pass around the hat… It was one way to get by… just think, a beggar’s duet!… Her voice and mine would be magic!… Cheese it, the cops!… So, like I’m supposed to turn into a solid hard-working guy? A breadwinner for my family?… My clothes looked like shit!… At the first teeny-tiny question I’d have the cops on my ass… any way you looked at it, an awful situation… how was she supposed to deliver her baby?… And in how many months exactly was she due?… I did another count… I’d got it all screwed up… December?… No! In the spring… I’d been talking out of my ass… that’d be better… in springtime we’d have a smooth time of it… summertime too, we could mosey around… sit awhile in one park then another… what if she had it in a garden?… We could live outdoors… but what if the baby is due in September?… I did another count… in that case, one big bust… fog, rain, bone-chilling cold… We’d have to go to one of their Salvation Army shelters, and they’d never let us in… her being underage plus knocked up and all… they’d spot us in a snap… and finger us to the cops… The second you take a cold hard look at life your mind starts spinning with all the troubles out there… how endless they are… you’ve got to keep your mind off things… My main problem was that I didn’t have a job… plus having a girl stuck on my back who was knocked up into the bargain!… And no job!… Reckless living, that was my whole story! My mother could see it all coming! And where it was all leading! I could still hear her very own words… “A young man without a job… idleness, the Devil’s workshop… crawling from one gutter to the next… a life of crime!… Sex maniac corrupter of little girls… just like Soleilland!*… Hauled into court…” My poor mother! My poor father too… my poor uncle! Poor everybody!… The disaster of dishonour!… And what if I racked my brains? How would that improve the situation any? What if I drain myself down to the last drop? Can you imagine? I’m putting two and two together now… rehashing the past… I can see the kid again… laughing her head off at the drop of a hat… constantly frolicking… pirouettes!… A little antelope… a pixie wherever she goes… she straddles t
he banister… and whee! Zips to the bottom!… I shout after her! She thumbs her nose… I’m the gimp dragging his bum leg… Games are a thing of the past with me… plus I’m not the one who’s knocked up, for Christ’s sake!… I scold her… she kisses me… that’s just the way she is… in a short skirt… her sinewy calves… so pretty… Her elastic muscles!… With a golden tan!… Divine, sassy!… And there I am, my scars stabbing me with pain… in my arm… my thigh… my shoulder… I’m a wreck, for sure… a first-class provider, a real family man!… Not to mention my migraines! The bullet lodged behind my ear… I’ve got tons of excuses… I saw stars… at the drop of a hat… plus the people… the things… Matthew closing in on my ass out of nowhere… a scary creep and I can see him right there!… Matthew, my cop! And his whole pig crew… I was never off his mind for one second, my health was his only concern… He wouldn’t let me go to the dogs… I could see his face and eyebrows… his steely gaze… his pearl-grey bowler… He just stood there, looking me over from head to toe… Ah! The rotten son of a bitch… He was dead sure casting a hex on me… taking advantage of the fact I was on my last legs… spooking me with his terror tactics… I could see him lurking in every doorway… Didn’t need any Brahmans to tell me that… didn’t need to screw around with trances… shimmying and bringing down the roof!… Wherever I looked I could see Matthew… he showed up all alone… hollering at me, and a whole lot more… calling me every name in the book… every last curse to vent his disgust… he said he had the most awful punishments in store for me… The cold sweat was pouring off me… that horrible pig held me hypnotized, no lie… He popped up in the pitch-black all dressed in red, then in yellow and green… Those were his colours… and then he melted back into the murk… He threw such a scare into me I could barely stand on my own two feet. It was worse than the trance of the Brahmans… I had to prop myself up to keep from falling over… that gives you some idea what an unholy mess I was… And all because I was honest, and stuck by my guns… and wouldn’t budge an inch… I’d sworn to the kid… Your heart’s always the thing that does you in… it keeps beating, beating, and it carries you away… Parading around through the streets with my jailbait in broad public, you’d better believe I would be looking for trouble!… Wherever Matthew’d send me, nobody’d be in the mood for excuses!… I wouldn’t be spared the cat-o’-nine-tails… the gentle touch! Imagine what a blessing!… They’d never set eyes on me again! The penitentiary and all that! Talk to me about love! Ah! I was back to zero, everything topsy-turvy… my heart giving out… just imagining it all again… it was crummy, no mistake there… whether I was for or against… Don’t press the point!… Don’t be stubborn!… Another side to the coin… another pang of conscience… another face to put on the situation… Make your escape and that’s that!… Save your ass! What’s left of it! Don’t complicate your life! What you got left of it! Clear the hell out, cut and run! Hard heads get broken… This was pretty shitty and disgusting of me… But still a pretty sensible approach… a real solution… My gallantry had been my downfall… My pig-headedness, my loyal heart… Beat it, bravery, away with you, shithead!… An indecent washed-up old wreck in the prime of life… What a lovely sight!… Saviour of unwed mothers! Break yourself in two! Ah! I’m going to break for it and run… I’ve had it! And then my qualms douse my fire again… You reek, you little pig! Hit the road, you piece of shit! My self-esteem speaking there… You deadbeat gigolo! Those were Sosthène’s words… you slippery little devil, he called me… He didn’t put his education to much use… One more con artist in my life!… He sabotaged my chances… led me smack into an ambush with his Hindustani trances… Ah! Those evil curses had my blood boiling… I wouldn’t give a rat’s turd for that Mongol! And his spells… because now I’d be stuck in this jam for ever! I was bewitched for sure! He’d got me all balled up in his mystic influences… My body was crawling with them… and my head… the action of my heart… I could positively feel it… my heartbeat wasn’t normal even for a feverish wreck like me… whose nerves were shot… Irresponsible was just the right word, but if I went and opened my mouth to Matthew he’d show me what irresponsible was all about! Just wait and see, buster! The noose! The noose! His obsession… the whole scenario kept running through my head… absolutely just the way I’m telling it… with Matthew, the gallows, the works… In Franco-English and Javanese… in a furious blast of words… Cascade’s voice cutting through the din… hoarse, reproachful… Ah! My luck would never end!… When I heard that my head started spinning… I grabbed hold of the table… a swelling din… sounds like women jabbering… a whole bevy… more reproaches… Why don’t you marry her?… That’s what they dish out at me… Ah! Now that’s true, what a wonderful idea!… Ah! I light up! Jump for joy! Ah! I’m one happy fellow! That’s right! A terrific plan! I’ll up and marry her! What a kick! That solves everything! The British way, Christ Almighty! I’m getting married! Pronto! Watch how fast! Four shillings sixpence! At the Registrar! Sign on the dotted line, young sir! Well, go ahead and have a kiss! Hurray! Fifteen minutes from start to finish! And it’s done! Licence and love pecks! Her uncle in seventh heaven! I worship you, my wonderful new son-in-law! Bosom buddies! Ah! I could see the whole scene! My heart’s fluttering with exultation! Hope, sunshine, love! I caught a fresh glimpse of happiness the way I did out in the garden the other night… a regular burning bush, a real-life fairy tale!… For the pair of us whisked up into heaven! Burning with love blah blah blah beatific! And blah blah blam, the whole thing comes collapsing, crashing down!… A cloud, everything grows dark and murky… I’m racked by doubts again… I’m back spluttering, pussyfooting around… No way in hell will her uncle allow it!… That’s the first thing! He’d curse us in his crazed rage! He’d turn us over to the police… And this hare-brained scheme of mine would be put to rest!… Ah! Optimism is such a fool’s paradise! A sucker’s mirror! When you take a cold hard look at life you don’t see any silver linings… So I switched back to my gloom… While washing the gear I ranted, yapped to myself… shouting a few plain truths into my ears… I couldn’t even see what I was working on I was so worked up… And so behind! I ought to have rinsed right away… sped up my chores… left the stuff to drain, and then zip! On to something else! Lugged the whole mess back over to Sosthène! Back here under the rafters… I ought to have gone for fresh water… a regular cesspool!… Ah! But I was too out of it… too wrapped up in my pros and cons… thinking so hard I couldn’t see straight any more… all of a sudden I made up my mind! I’m going to have a nice little chat with those jokers! They’ve got to quit persecuting me! There’s a mother and child involved now!… I’m the father! Goddamn it!… But I change my mind… My guts run in the opposite direction! A flash of inspiration! They’re going to be floored!… What if I tear myself away from my heart’s desire?… I change my mind again!… No! I’m going to tear her away from those scoundrels, those old jealous maniac pigs! And call this wild and loose living quits! A sudden fit of morality!… But then fuck, forget it! I’ll dump the whole works! I’ll take off to the ends of the earth… I’m going to save my own ass, just mine!… Every man for himself! Ditch Mummy and the brat! I’ll make a beeline right out of here! Rip my heart in two, that’s for sure! So much the better, goddamn it! No more mercy! That’s the line I’ll take with myself! I’m giving you a blow-by-blow description of what a horrendous stew I was in… The mere memory makes me sick all over again… I can still see myself shaking over my tub… stammering out my pros and cons… I’m worthless… all fouled up, befuddled… chewing things over, groaning so loud that they wound up hearing me… The kid came over to see what was what… “Hello, Ferdinand!” I make her laugh… scold her a little… she bursts into giggles… Ah! How witty!… And what if I’d cut and run? How amusing would you find that, my little pet? I ask her jokingly… her cute smile… I surprise, disconcert her… No! I could never go away!… It hits me right then and there… I scoop her up in my arms, kiss her, rock her above my dirty g
lassware… it’s those beautiful eyes most of all, so bright, so blue, so mocking… with that faint grey twinkle… nobody would ever have dreamt she was knocked up… her mauve eyes, well sort of, when the light was low… like the sea’s shifting reflections… I hugged her whole body in my arms… and now she’s starting to cry… she cried often because of me… I hadn’t made her happy… Poor kid, damn it, all the same! I was acting like a slimy creep!… I’m sorry! I’m sorry! My precious darling!… If I ever behaved dirty!… Down at the Tweet-Tweet Club, what a performance! I’d turned into such an incredible monster at a snap of the fingers! A little kid, an innocent girl… And now she had this other crew… She never got a break. These days she had her uncle, Old Fancy Dress! Plus the other character, daffy Sosthène! And they were all competing for top prize… it’s the magnetism of youth… the early blush of beauty… They don’t let up on my precious… I’d catch them hiding wherever I looked… spying… sniffing out my angel… they were monsters of jealousy… but I really had no right to talk… I’d shown up here moaning, wheezing, a sorry-looking mess… All covered with scars, and then boom, flipped out!… Ah, a real oddball… a character who betrayed people’s trust… Ah! Up to his neck in trouble, up the creek! A lot of right I had to talk!… So confused I was reeling, seeing stars!… My pounding heart about to explode. Plus the insults… “Swine! Swine!” they kept calling me… the whole joint echoed… “Swine!” So get it up, hanged man! That was Cascade… one voice! Two voices! A hundred voices! A dozen! Nowhere to hide… What panic! My legs wobbly in fear… jerking my mitts around in the dirty water so bad I kept spilling everything all over the place… suds, dishes!… They were threatening me with some pretty scary stuff… I’ve had it! I start yelling back… in my falsetto… I can hear my voice… Help! Help! Doesn’t sound like me… I’m beside myself with terror. So I’ve given you a little picture of my condition… You bet I’m in a quandary!… Well, then, I’ll just kidnap the girl! I’ve got pluck, goddamn it! Go to it! It was a wonderful idea. It fires me all up… nothing’ll change my mind! And kee-rash! I think it over. How long will it last?… They’d catch us in no time… me with my limp and her with her short skirt… What fun and games it’d be for the Vice Squad then… they’d drag us back by our ears… And bingo! They’d slap my pretty face behind bars! The kid would be thrown to some nuns!… To the Reverend RMCIs – Finette, Fatso’s old lady, was always going on about the Reverend RMCIs. She’d done a two-month stretch with the RMCI because of some slip-up… They thought she was British because of her phoney papers. The memory stuck with her, she’d used to taste the whip if she even looked at them the wrong way. A House of Correction, they called it, with psalms and prayers and pea soup. Virginia would land there to get corrected for dead sure. Whoever, nuns or her uncle, they all used a big stick. Just thinking about it spooked me. And one more time, all because of me! Even today still, I’m ashamed, after so many years, some hard-hitting, ferocious years, when I was just about at the end of my rope… I still wonder whether I could make up my mind… I mean back at the time… whether I was torturing myself… my poor brain was in such a state… And she thought I was silly! How kind of her! Heartless little bitch! Amazing what smiles can hide all the same! She made me go off my rocker again! I’d started slamming around my glassware again! If I’d had two brain cells I’d have dropped that broad! Bye-bye, kiddo, my darling, my walking disaster! And no crap! Selfish, you bet! She’d have laughed like crazy then! Can’t you just see how I’m bending over backwards? Killing myself for one of her titters! It’s sickening! The hell with this, there’s still time! Go on, beat it! I was pissed off at myself for being such a dumb sucker! Come on, pack your bags and scram! Wake up! But I was too scared, I felt so sad, such shame… Ah! I grab a bottle by the neck, sent it flying up against the ceiling! Smithereens! She darts me a real funny glance… “Ooh! Oooh!” she goes… but I don’t scare her at all any more… she’s hopping in place, having a good time… laughing harder… I’m the clown, that’s clear as a bell… “Go away! Go away! Little bitch!… I’ve had enough of your cackling!” It drives me mad! I want her to get the hell out of here! I want to chew things over at my own convenience… or put myself through hell if I choose… She’s fidgeting around, the Devil in her flesh… You just wait for Matthew to come knocking, you little terror! He’ll put the lid on your impish tricks! Just as I think of that dirty cop he pops up in front of my eyes! Smack in front of me, the pig, awful… out for blood… Right above the sink the guy was… swaying back and forth cackling… I was hallucinating… presto. His whole noggin tick-tocking… like a clock pendulum… literally the genuine article… wink of an eye I’m under his spell… can’t react, too mind-boggling… You think I might have a good laugh, but no go either… I just stand there wiped out friendly, he talks I answer… he’s mumbling… some mirage, trick… he obsesses, haunts me… unawares I conjure him up… he’d have me clambering onto the gallows with one quick wink… I went soft during those sessions with Sosthène… I’m really wise to that now… sensitized by the fakirs… That’s the reason for my big obsession… I caught it during the performances… Another nice bonus!… Just what I needed, with this head of mine… I’m brainstorming myself to death!… It’s all that bastard Sosthène’s fault again! But Matthew’s my own personal incubus… he hexes, hypnotizes me… I’ve snagged his astral body… When I shut my eyes it gets worse… his grip tightens… I tried rubbing my fists in my eye, but no good… got to latch onto something… I fall… I can hear cannon fire… roaring from every corner… the horrors of war wherever I look… just perfect… it’s that pair of goons whaling away at the other end of the workshop… pounding the anvil… I can feel every whack in my head… I realize I’m completely delirious… they’re fanning the flames at the same time… I can see the massacres, the lancers… I can see a whole smoking battlefield! Hindquarters charging! Masses of them! And all topsy-turvy, good God! Horses by the thousand riding men! such reckless daring! And here comes Claben and his Greenwich crew, the whole awful mess on his back! Galloping hard, charging, sweeping down like a torrent! Nothing’s impossible! I’m galloping too, Jesus fucking Christ! They’re going to raze the Greenwich pub to the ground! I can see them swarming over it. I roll across the ground, duck for cover, I’m in battle fury, but still!… They’re over there in the heart of the inferno… charging straight in… the thumping heartbeat… I can see this huge heart throbbing… I’m going to catch fire too… Whoosh! A torrent smashes me against the ground! It’s water! I’m drowning! Firemen! My tub spilling over… Two guys dunking me! Just like the guys over at the Greenwich! I clink glasses, down my drink, glug-glug… but it’s a trap! They’re twisting and turning me, working over my privates! In my scuzzy water! And then they hang me by the feet! From the branches! Of the plane trees! I’m in a nightmare, the mob screaming at me… it’s a fact! I’m under a spell… I sway and piss on the whole mob… They start bitching… the water’s running off me… Perverter of families! Murderer! Vampire!… That’s what I hear… I’d like to disappear down into some bottomless pit… turn into a mouse, a roach, Christ, anything – a turd. No can do, I’m myself… I bump against the branches… flatten my body against the trunk… the walls… Ah! I’m the victim of some ploy… blood fever… the ghosts are assaulting me… yanking my feet from above… along with all the Goas and that other bum, Sosthène, plus Matthew and the rest of the crew… Some balls they have, gives me a laugh anyway! That does me good and it breaks the spell… I fall shivering on my side… I’ve had some kind of mind-boggling fit but now the fog’s lifting… I’m not drunk… I huddle belly to the wall… My mind’s made up! I’ve been to hell and back! All right, I’m going to marry her!… No more shilly-shallying! Sold! I’ll see through the farce! Four shillings six! I’ll force her hand! Now there’s a man for you! Bold move!… At the Registry! We’ll play out our joke all sure and proper! No waffling! Once we’re hitched, look out, Scotland Yard! I’ll drop off the kid at Curlers’s!
She’d be a sister for her, an object of devotion… She’ll keep her safe for me during the storm… I’ll head north to Edinburgh! For six months or a year… a breather… when the armistice is signed I’ll head back… that’ll give them a chance to find something new to talk about… Cascade’ll fix me up with some phoney papers… Then we’ll move in together… I’ll get a job… it would be a piece of cake… everything for Virginia! Our family!… Cascade was the only man who could fix me up… we’d have to bury the hatchet… I didn’t trust Boro… he was a snake, a hothead… So that’s how I sized up my prospects, lying there huddled against the wall… Ah! No kidding, I’d been through the mill, now I could see clear… I start to buck back up, feel all raring to go… it all comes crashing down! Got the willies all over again… Back to the drawing board!… All jittery! Legs and arms jerking around, clattering, clinking… In my tub, I scrub away, work up suds!… I’m a martyr to my scrupulous sense of duty… I’m going through sheer hell… just like my dad… tortured the same way… always talked to me in a pop-eyed rage… It was his scrupulousness that drove him bonkers too… he’d tear himself to pieces over trifles… over some put-down, one wrong word, a crooked glance from one of the neighbours, and oh brother did we ever have neighbours! Count ’em, 140 all down the Passage… you better believe he was a nutcase… And I was just like him, a chip off the old block… plus all the hard knocks I’d lived through!… I’d plenty of reasons to get riled!… And what another fix I was in now!… Ah! I’d never get out! Shit! I’m so worked up I break a jar… knock it to the floor!… Try catching it… slip myself, smash a bowl… clink clink crash! I make more of a racket all on my own than the three of them put together over at their forge… They were firing me up after all, damn it! They were making my head spin, driving me to crime… Nobody was listening to me! Tough! So what am I waiting for? Come on, let’s start slaughtering! Slaughtering away! Ripping the whole place apart, goddamn it! Crummy equipment! Beat-up junk metal! Wham! And bam! I want to see it sailing through the air! Let’s wreck the place, Christ Almighty! A cyclone sweeping across the floor! I whip it along! Freedom! Bring it all down! Crush the whole shebang to bits! Smash ’em up good! Smithereens! Fire dancing before my eye – they’re playing tricks! No – flames, I see flames! For real, pools of fire all around! My tub’s in flames! It’s the Greenwich pub! And everything’s trickling, spilling over! A red-hot crackling blaze! I shout, I’m in pain, I cry out for help! Put me out, somebody! Pick me up with a pair of tongs!… I wish the pair would dash over! Ah! What a real battle it’ll be! I want them to realize what’s going down! Feel the full impact of the nightmare! See the conflagration we’ll be living in! I’m sure they’re feeling the girl up!… Turning a deaf ear now… Ah! I smell a rat… they’re having their dirty way with her!… Sure are!… Cocks of the walk!… I should pounce over!… Knock the combo to the floor! But I just stand there like a dumb jerk… Matthew! Matthew! He’s the one paralysing me… He’s the one! With that steely stare! He’s swiping my power… just horrible the hallucinations he’s throwing my way… he’s climbing the walls… scowling, winking at me… running back through his routine… It scares me… my bowels start acting up… I writhe… it’s the fright, violent spasms… no time to think… Plop! I shit out my whole system!… You can’t imagine the pain… my undershorts heavy as lead!… Full of crap!… Sticking all over me… can’t even turn around any more… I’m planted in my pie… Hope they don’t launch an attack, me stuck this way!… I shouldn’t have shouted so loudly… I’d never be able to defend myself… lucky they’re caught up in something else… busy smashing up their forge… whacking away twice as furiously… they’re going through one hell of a lot of trouble… they don’t know what’s what any more… deaf to the world… Ah! This would be a great time for me to snap into action… rush over and snatch the girl… the thought works me up… I shit my pants again… I dump a mean load, a regular flood… I’m slopped to the spot… both my head and belly are an unholy mess… It grosses me out, I dig in my heels – who cares!… I’ve got to show my stuff! I brace myself against the shelf, ready to charge into the fray! The hell with all this hemming and hawing! They’ve all got it in for me, what’s their big problem? The end the means! I’ll kidnap the brat, oh yes I will! We’ll croak on the ragged edge! Honour’s what matters! Under the rain, out on the street, goddamn it! I’m absolutely dead set! Just as she is! With that belly of hers! Baby on the way! You name it! Ah! I’m hopping in place! They’re whacking away twice as hard firing me all up! I’m churning up the wreckage, working up my steam! Fucking trouble’s on the way! I’m going to put an end to this! My undershorts are slamming against me… roping me to the spot… I dumped too big a load, I weigh a ton… the crack of my ass is tight and sticky… I’ll strip myself with a good yank!… Watch and see the power I pack! No more Mr Lazybones! I draw myself in under my plaster sheath… you just wait, sweetie! Everybody’s going to see who they’ve been messing with!… My blast-off will amaze the world! Ah! Every dog has its day! I spot them way in the back hunched over their forge! They’re so red they look ready to explode! Hideous hacking, hopped up… I’m going to wipe them out too… they’ll be a pushover… I’m going to snatch away the little girl… just wait, assholes! I’m about to pop my cork, that’s a fact… No more waffling, an unleashed hurricane I’ll pound the whole damn joint to smithereens… No ifs ands or buts, Christ Almighty! I’m going to cream those tough guys!… Just wait, anvils! This is war! I’m a scary customer! The kid drank with them! That’s the secret of the spell! Just wait and see how I work, my little vixen! I’m all eager! Wriggling and jiggling! All fours, churning away! Furious sinews! I paw the ground, snort, caracole! I pry my whole body free! Yank off my seat with my fired-up arms and thighs! All my strength’s back! And I’m one hell of a lot more powerful, like a horse! A horse, what am I saying, Christ Almighty! More like four put together! I send sparks flying against the walls, I’m pawing up a spray! Got my bottom completely unstuck, the whole icky muck! Ah! It was cramping my style – got all the room I need now! You’ve never seen me at the top of my form! This crazy fiery wreck is going to pull out all the stops! The brain geek! In a terrific fit!… It’s war, battle fury and horsies!… Make way for the cavalry!… A charge, now there’s something you’ve got to see!… Not everybody’s noticed about me… But Finette caught on right away… “You’re cracked just like my brother! Something hit you in the head!…” That really happened, no lie. “He stares at me just like you!” She mimicked my basket-case way of dropping my jaw… “Except he can’t go out by himself – he falls over in the street…” She’d never seen me fall over… sometimes I did worse… Truth is, Finette, Fatso’s wife, had a sharp eye… still she didn’t see everything… her words came back to me clear as a bell… I could hear her talking to me… You wait and see also, my little hussy! She’d never seen me hit the ground at full horsepower! She hadn’t seen anything yet… how impressive I could be on all fours! All right, so I was messed up just like her brother… but he didn’t have my strength! My powerful charge!… I could have cleared twenty obstacles with three colonels on my back! On my saddlecloth! That’s just the way I’m talking! Possessed, that’s the word, with the fiery passions of magical power! That’s what had me seething! Possessed by the Fourth Sphere! Where thunder lives! I felt like shouting it over to Sosthène! The old fucker couldn’t hear me! I felt like yelling it to Matthew, but it was absolutely the same story! “To the slammer, pal! To the slammer!” That’s all he kept repeating… Bum! Scumbag! Those are the kinds of animals I had to deal with! Ah! I had to wipe out the whole bunch! Just let me get my hands on them! Ah! It was all too true, too cruel! I was seeing the light… I’d never be free with Matthew around… Doubts swept me again… I let loose another load… Flat on my ass I shit myself. I stretch out, almost fainting… that’s where scruples land you… just had to entertain one for a split second… and now this rising stink… all my gunk stuck to my seat… just so they don’t
notice anything… I take a whiff… another… I ought to take off my trousers… What the hell! What the hell! Ah! Freedom!… Whatever it takes to pull out of this!… I yank off the whole mess, my whole seat! Peel off the tatters… my suspenders!… It still stinks! I’ll never be free!… I holler: it’s not me! It’s not me! Now they come running over… I scrunch up into a ball, wedge myself against the tambour frame… I don’t want anybody to see me… “Go away! Go away!” I order them off… they won’t let me be… they probe me feel me up and down… especially O’Collogham who catches a good whiff of me… hunts for my undershorts… rummaging under the tub… I’d stashed them… I just lie there curled up like a gun dog… I don’t want to stand up looking indecent… “Go away! Go away!…” but they don’t. I feel I’m really going to boil over this time… Dirty pig-headed brazen bastards! I’m such a scary customer over in my corner… raw, rude, scrunched… that they back off, stammer… Ah! I’ll show those two SOBs where to get off! I’ll give them a taste of what real vengeance is like!… I take advantage of the breather… grab a rag off the floor… wipe my ass, feel better… I can hear the girl singing way in the back… now that’s nerve!… I’m going to snatch her away from those sharks!… I stamp my feet, raise hell… Her voice fills the workshop… a children’s ditty…
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