I put my foot down.
“Ah! What a dumb jerk!”
She won’t quit.
I slap her down brutally.
“You’re jealous, you lousy bastard! You’re jealous! Shit, just use your eyes! I love both of you!”
She kisses her again, she wants to kiss me too.
Virginia has no idea what to do. She’s wondering whether I’m going to get mad. I don’t. I rack my brains, trying to think of a way to shove them out the door. If I give them the boot, they’ll raise a stink outside… it’d bring the cops around, a crowd would flock in the street.
I feel like such a dumb jerk I stand there helpless. I ask my question again. “What do you want here, you ugly creeps?”
“Give me a little something to drink, then I’ll tell you.”
Curlers is more palsy-walsy, the other two are stand-offish. I take the whisky out of the cabinet. They pour themselves a straight shot. Then have another. Sosthène drinks to our health.
I tell him: “We don’t own the place, the Colonel can walk back in any minute!…”
The truth is we’re acting like total boors. Ever since that mercury business I’m leery…
This tickles their funny bone again. They double over like hunchbacks in hysterics, my note of caution’s the most hilarious thing they’ve ever heard. All three are laughing up a storm… lined up along the top of the sofa, I’ve got them right in front of my nose, they look like a trio of funny-faced masks. They lean down for a better look at me. What are they really after?
I press Virginia against me, hold her tight in my arms. I can see they’re hatching some nasty piece of business.
“Where’d you come from? Why you in such hysterics?”
They’re driving me up the wall… Enough’s enough.
“This is no time of day to come here… to a respectable home.”
I’d rather they leave on their own.
“Respectable! Respectable! Oh! Man! Get a load of that! The gentleman’s taking dancing lessons.”
That’s Nelson snapping out a crack.
“My, my, how handsome he looks in his handsome suit. Ah! Lover boy’s fresh as a daisy! When he first arrived in London he was naked as the day he was born! Pinned with his medal!”
The trio nod “yes, yes”, they back him up… Still leaning down right over us… Virginia’s shivering from the cold…
Bim! Bum! Bells!
They sing in chorus out of the blue, bellowing at the top of their lungs. They’re cuckoo.
Bing! Bang! Bong!
Bong! Bing! Bonkers!
They’re doing chimes.
She knocks back a small shot… then a big one… She straightens up, heaves a “Whew!” because she’s on fire! Thrilled!
“That’s right, Mademoiselle! ‘Bum!’”
She points at me…
“Crawling with crabs! When he got here he was a total scuzzball! Kindheartedness! That’s what saved his ass! Everybody’s nobility of soul! And now the louse doesn’t know anybody but colonels! Yeah, you heard me right! Ah! Shit! He’s sitting pretty, the twit! A gigolo living off my loss! Terrific deal, right? He’d lick his plates clean, the pathetic bag of bones. ‘A penny, ladies, gents!’ He scraped by on handouts. And now he shits in his pals’ hands! Doesn’t recognize anybody any more! Just salutes colonels! Yeah, you’ve got that straight! Wise guy! Ah! Damn! What a savoury character! Ah! Prize con artist! He’s got a comfy set-up, ladies, gents! A comfy set-up! Rocking his baby doll beddy-bye!”
She aped me…
“She feels sick to her stomach! It was bound to happen with a repulsive slob like that! Come on, my precious, sing along with me!”
She wanted Virginia to get up, stand on her feet a spell, she’d been prone long enough… she wanted her to play the piano…
“It’s prettier than the Barbary organ! It takes in less money, and how! Nelson, so tell me how much you took in along our way from Trafalgar! Ah! what a fabulous trip! What a whopping repertoire, huh! I did the pushing! So let’s hear the grand total!”
“Twelve bob fifty! I already told you…”
“That’s my dowry, darling! That’s my dowry! Aren’t you happy?”
She takes Virginia’s hand. She jams her hat on her head, veil, the works. “I love your baby doll! do I ever! I don’t want her to be unhappy!”
She whimpers…
“Drink with me, you rotten louse! So you’ll find out what’s what! You don’t have a clue!…”
She’s choked up over Virginia.
“Ah! You’re a first-class scumbag.”
Ten-Paw and Sosthène and the other guy all want to play some cards. But Curlers is blubbery, nixes the idea. She hangs on to Virginia, calls me a heartless pimp.
All right already.
“Curlers, be careful, you’re not at Cascade’s now.”
She jumps up. She takes me at my word.
“Cascade! Cascade! You let him be! You should be shining his shoes! Now there’s a man who saved you. He’s worth a million of you, scuzzball!”
That was the opinion of Nelson and Ten-Paw too, they OK’d her crack.
Great shot, right on target… Ah! I had it coming to me!… I could see their three ugly mugs.
“Oh, yes sir, it really makes a person sick!” the trio said just like that, in unison, disgusted.
I’d hit my limit. They were all nodding. Where’d they get such balls? And Ten-Paw, what rock did that acrobat crawl out from under? Standing there sniggering his ass off? I’d bumped off at least one of him, I thought to myself, but was this the real guy or some impostor? Was I seeing double, triple, centuple? Maybe I should end all this and find out? Maybe I should grab him by the pecker? Just looking at me cracked him up, he stood there over the sofa like that razzing his head off, stooping a little to give me a closer look, and a chance to figure out an answer… Ah! He was really a sly, depraved bastard! And incredibly amused over his little manoeuvre… over my reaction to the whole business.
“Look, dick-lick, he’s ready to blow.”
He was warning Curlers that I was about to flip back into my idiot act, my wacko wild-man number… that was the whole reason they’d come… But I was absolutely on the ball… I didn’t let Virginia out of my clutches, my sweetheart, my precious everything… I looked hard at her… kissed her… she kissed me… I held on… my hope, my determination…
“Honey…” I went to her… “Honey…” I didn’t want to flip into any more hallucinations… I knew the way they came over me… I was familiar with the experience by now… just a teeny sip of liquor… just one small glass was all it took… and then I’d get to flapping my lips… somebody would contradict me… I’d get fired up… and the rest is history… Always because of my head, it was written down on my discharge papers!…
“Cephalalgia, faulty memory, epileptic hebephrenia, post-shock post-traumatic syndrome…”
What it meant was that at the drop of a hat I took off, my mind started wandering… over the smallest wrinkle.
So I really had to stay on my toes, I could never be wary enough. I’d paid a high price for my experience, I was an easy mark for people who wanted to pull my strings. Even so I wanted some clear answers, to find out why they’d come. How they’d found me. But Curlers was the only one doing the talking. The others kept pretty much clammed up, waiting for a little fun, the time of their lives, meaning for me to start acting like a raving lunatic, and put on one of my big performances… But they showed up too late, I wasn’t budging! I played their game, toying back with them. Just popping out a question here and there! Ah! Something smelt damn fishy!… Ah! I didn’t like these wily shady jackal games! It must have been second nature for them…
They sucked the booze back without waiting for an invitation, greedily, and she held her own with the men… Gin bitter, Calvados, peppermint schnapps… Colonel O’Collogham owned one hell of a liquor cabinet… there was enough for a pope’s funeral… at least a dozen labels of whisky… brand
y like you hardly ever taste… sherry and port like you can’t imagine… genuine elixirs! An entire wall stocked with row after row of small casks… just had to serve yourself… turn open the small taps… they weren’t shy…
I was the one who sat back and waited. Playing cat and mouse… I wasn’t going to be the guy to blow it… they were hitting the bottle… And they’d keep hitting it for a long time to come… whisky, brandy… a full selection of ports… Sosthène did his share… and he wasn’t much of a drinker.
The huge selection made Curlers realize something.
“Say, kid, this guy puts it away!”
“Ah! It’s for guests,” I answer. “Go right ahead!”
She pours out another glass for herself, a genuine cocktail of Pernod and sherry. It was her man’s favourite mix.
“He doesn’t deserve for me to still love him… and to drink to his health! You’re the one I love, lambkins!” She pounces on Ten-Paw, kisses him…
“Give me a smooch!” she says to me. “Make it wet and sloppy!”
Then she has second thoughts, eyes me from head to toe, wants to put me through another round of insults, but can’t, she’s staggering, reeling, she’s got to sit down, feels queasy.
“Pass me a cigar, that’ll do me good…”
There are top-class smokes, a whole boxful, fat jobs all covered with gold sparkles, really huge suckers.
“Wow, this is terrific!”
They all help themselves! She kisses Nelson.
“Give me a light, buddy! Give me a light!”
“Don’t you think our friend Ferdinand over there is feeling sorry for himself – look how down in the mouth he is, a young man like that! A young man! And that other jerk who made me come here, that rotten jerk! Ten-Paw! ‘Wait, you’ll see what a funny guy he is! You never laughed so hard in your life! You should have seen him at the Tweet-Tweet Club! You’d have died pissing yourself! Going through his acrobatic act for us! The whole audience was crazy about him! He called me his little ghost! Ah! What a weirdo, a complete freak show!… You should have seen him soaring around! Shooting from the dance floor up into the air like a real frog! He was all alone up there in the chandeliers!’ Ten-Paw had never laughed so much! Well, fuck you then! I turn the guy’s stomach! Just my luck to have come! I never saw a gloomier-looking loser in my life! Your injuries the reason? Your head spinning? Didn’t I sell you on anything? Or is your darling what’s bugging you, you jealous all over again?
“Now you’re not jealous, are you, my beauty? Here, take a puff on my cigar with me… It’ll do you good too… women ought to smoke… You don’t look well… you fretting yourself sick?… Is that guy making you unhappy?”
I’ve had enough.
I feel I’m at the end of my rope.
“Go on! Get the hell out of here!” I shout… “Haven’t you drunk enough?”
“No! No!” Nelson and the other one go… “No! Not enough! No! No way…”
They’re comfortably slouched… stretched out… about to doze off any minute now…
“A bite to eat you said!… A bite to eat! We’ll be on our way after we have some food… A light snack! Your boss hasn’t come back!… Come on! Don’t worry, sweetie! You’ve got hours to spare! Hey, Nelson, he hasn’t come back yet, right? And he’s not about to any time soon, also right? Your boss’s tied up!”
They seemed to be mighty sure of themselves…
“Who do you mean? Who’s not going to come back?”
“Your colonel, who else, my poor little fellow! Ah! This guy’s thick as a brick, jeez! Dumb as they come! The adorable little thing!”
They’re making a laughing stock of me.
Sosthène was sort of lost, he inclined his head towards me as if to ask: “Well?… What’s the meaning of all this?…”
They patted him on the back over his splendid show of force, his mind-blowing hullabaloo over on Piccadilly, the entire Circus in an uproar! They’d never seen anything like that before in their lives!… Plus that gown of his with the gold dragon!… Was it a publicity stunt?… Did he work for a store? For Selfridges? Harrods?… They wanted to know! Plus that flair of his! What a fighter! Raising holy hell smack in the mob of heavies from Scotland Yard! The shock beefsteaks! Ah! Hell yes! Such class! Ah! What a tough guy!
They were blown away.
Music to Sosthène’s ears.
“Three cheers for Sosthène! The tiger! The Chinaman!”
They’d christened him right off the bat… Another round to his health! We were whooping it up in the salon… lost in clouds what’s more… every last cigar puffed away into smoke. He wanted to make a little speech in kind thanks: “Gentlemen,” he began. “Ladies and gentlemen I am most thrilled by your magnificent praise!… Thrilled! Thrilled!…”
He repeated it three times… Wow! He couldn’t get over it! The hardest of all ths… and he did it from the get-go! Thrilled! Thrilled! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oooh!… He was roaring with pride…
“Show-off! Show-off!” he called me. “You see… I got down your th… I can do it!… I can do it!…”
It was an honest-to-goodness miracle.
“You see, you brat!… You see, you dummy! Tell me that won’t do the trick!…”
“Thrilled! Thrilled!” he booms out the word, doesn’t skip a single letter!… And he kept repeating it over and over. He’d licked the damn thing!
He’s pooped out, plops back down. He just sits there like a dumb lump, in a total daze, goggle-eyed.
Curlers was bamboozled, couldn’t do like him – she gave it a shot and hurt her mouth, practically popped out her teeth.
“I butcher my English!” she confessed over her defeat. “I’ve been in London for twenty-five years, but the thing is I’m just too French, the longer I stay the less I talk… I’m going backwards! All my tricks want to make conversation! Especially since the war! With me they get what they ask for! Ah, yes, pussycat!
The Queen of England!
Fell on her ass!
“But say, I do know how to count in pounds! Twenty-one shillings in a guinea! I’m right on the nose, you can be sure of that! I’ve got the knack down. Hello, yes, pussycat!… Say, baby doll, I’m going to eat you up!…”
This was starting to give her new ideas. She pounces back on Virginia… even though she was right up against me so I could protect her from these outpourings.
“Hold on!” I stop her. “You haven’t said anything… What’re you doing around here?”
“Ah! the little fox’s curious! This little fellow’s curious, isn’t he, huh? He wants to know everything! Ah! She’s going to be unhappy all right! With a lunkhead like that! Ah! I’m telling you! What a rotten mess! I’d ring your chimes, sweetie! It’d be pure paradise! You’d have everything you needed, baby doll!…”
She snuggled up against her.
“Aren’t you going to say goodbye to her?” she hits me with… Real nerve.
“Goodbye, you tramp? You come out with some real bull, bitch!”
That rubs her the wrong way, she gets sore.
“Look here, you think that’d be the first time something like that ever happened, you brat? Think you’ll be twiddling your thumbs all hunky-dory until hell freezes over? With your baby doll? Think nobody’s going to come after you? And move you out into a place of your own?”
“Why not?” I go…
“Just wait and see! London’s not like back home!”
What was behind that crack? Where’d she learn to talk like that? I stood there like a jerk, she was making a fool of me and knew a little too much for my liking. They got a wicked kick out of seeing me flounder around.
I didn’t want to leave Virginia, that was one thing for damn sure.
“I beg your pardon, Curlers, but I’m staying with her… This is between us…”
Now they’re back laughing hysterically!
“Ah! This guy’s too much… a joke a minute!… This crazy character just won’t quit! Ah! Listen to him! Unbelievable! Th
e police wagons won’t stop him either! Ah! They’re going to have their hands full down at the Yard!”
Ah! I didn’t know what the hell they were going on about! They were talking in riddles, teasing me with puzzles. At bottom they were a bunch of degenerates… They’d tanked up, toasted, stuffed themselves to the gills – now they were gorged, upbeat, out for some fun. They kicked back their heels in the salon, right at home!
“Come on! Play me ‘The Blue Danube’,” Curlers called out.
Da dum dum da da!
Da dum dum da da!
“How about this one, my titmouse! How about this, my cutie pie!”
It’s a long way to Tipperary.
“You’ll play that one for his truly.”
She wanted a complete repertoire… and wouldn’t take no for an answer. The butler walked in. Time to set the table.
“I’m going to do a card-reading,” Nelson goes. “Scram, busboy! Beat it! You’re jumping the gun! Your master’s not back yet! And he won’t be back any time soon! Ah! I’ll say! You tell him! You over there, go on and tell him!”
A sure bet they’d cooked up some dirty trick together… Why were they even here in the first place?
When we are two…
Things aren’t the same…
“Play me that one, sweetheart… Come on, I’ll give you my arm… We’ll sing a duet!”
She won’t quit… Virginia rises… They walk over to the piano. Virginia plays a little… She starts ‘The Blue Danube’… But her head starts spinning. She needs to go back to the sofa. Reason for insults to start flying – at me.
“What’d you do to her, you lousy son of a bitch? You’re the one making her sick.”
“Here, my angel, a drop of brandy…”
I won’t have any of that… I forbid it… I knock the glass out of Curlers’s hand. A turn for the worse.
“Shit!” she screams. “Such high-class liquor! Ah! It’s just about time we run this guy in! A pain in everybody’s ass, that’s what he is!…”
“Hey, are you talking to me?”
“You bet, you dirty little shit-ass! You got snot hanging from your nose! You lousy phoney! I’m telling you, it’s about time you start sewing linen sacks! At least you’ll be good for something! With your poor useless fingers!” Her blood was boiling. And such a scowl, she was so sick to her stomach. “Cop!” I yell back just like that right in her face. “Cop! Cop!”
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