Local culture, customs and news is another easy way for deceptive people to get tripped up. It’s one thing to claim to live in London, but it’s another thing entirely to have any idea of what is actually going on in London. While chatting online, it’s very common for people to talk about what is happening where they actually live, rather than what’s happening in their fictional community. They tend to forget that you have access to the news too, and can actually check out their stories. They also sometimes assume that everyone is as ill-informed about the rest of the world as they are, which makes sniffing out their cultural blunders all the easier. A Londoner who isn’t familiar with “bangers and mash” probably isn’t a Londoner at all.
Don’t forget to talk about the weather. Deceivers typically forget that anyone can pull up a national weather map in order to see what’s happening in their supposed neighborhood. If someone tells you about a massive storm front pummeling his area, but the national weather maps show nothing but sunny skies where he allegedly lives, something’s not right.
If a story doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense, it’s not just because the storyteller is odd or eccentric; it’s usually because the storyteller hasn’t sufficiently thought things through. An online friend once told me that she had been shot in the arm during an attempted armed robbery while working at a bar the previous night. Several hours later, she was talking about going back to work that very evening. I don’t care how tough you are, or how superficial your gunshot wound might be - nobody goes right back to work the next day after being shot. Nobody.
Another online friend, who allegedly lived half a world away, mentioned in one of our conversations that she was downing a few shots of tequila as we chatted. A quick glance at my world-clock told me that it was 7:00 AM on a weekday where she was supposed to be. Considering the fact that she supposedly had a twelve-year-old daughter that she drove to school daily and a job where she allegedly worked banker’s hours, it’s not hard to see how the entire flimsy concoction immediately began to fall apart under its own weight.
There are no silver bullets that will work in every situation, every single time. The important thing is to pay attention to the little things. When something doesn’t make sense, there’s usually a very good reason. Take note of the inconsistencies. One or two may turn out to be nothing at all, but dozens?
A person who is telling the truth doesn’t have to have a good memory, but a liar has to have an exceptional one, and most liars don’t.
The Rewards
You might think, after wading through all of the negatives that we’ve discussed thus far, that online BDSM relationships are not worth the effort, but that isn’t at all the conclusion you should take away from this chapter. Some of the most fulfilling and lasting D/s relationships I’ve ever been in began in one fashion or another in an online environment. There really are a lot of positive aspects to seeking or exploring a relationship online.
Ironically, one of those positive aspects is the paradox that allows people to be themselves behind a cloak of relative anonymity. It’s been proven time and again in psychological studies that people will typically reveal more of their inner thoughts and feelings when they believe they are anonymous. Most of us are taught from an early age to stifle or conceal our sexual urges, kinks, and fetishes. Under the banner of equality, we are indoctrinated for most of our lives to reject the notion that some people born leaders and others born followers, or that there may actually be real and significant differences between men and women. In their quest to eliminate real abuse, many in our society stigmatize those who may find pleasure in pain, enjoy corporal discipline, or find fulfillment in giving themselves fully and without reservation to the person they love. Is it any wonder that many people have difficulty finding an outlet for exploring and expressing such things? The online environment allows them to do just that.
Anyone who has ever been involved in an online relationship can tell you that not only can it be a very freeing experience, but it can also be a very deep one. The medium forces you to focus on what is in your heads and hearts rather than on things like appearances, age, physical characteristics, sex appeal, or social and financial status. For many people, it will be the first time in their lives that someone is willing to overlook those superficialities to see through to their souls, and that can be quite intoxicating.
Another positive aspect of exploring an online BDSM relationship is its relative safety. Obviously, you’re not going to get physically injured or contract a sexually transmitted disease from a chat room. That safety feature begins evaporate, however, the closer you get to actually meeting for the first time. In Chapter 8: The First Meeting we’ll go over some of the steps you can take to preserve that safety advantage.
The safety advantage of online BDSM relationships goes far beyond the obvious fact that you can’t get physically injured by online role-play. It also forces us to do something that most of us don’t really do very often. It makes us think through all of the little steps that are part of a process. It’s incredibly easy for most of us to fantasize about doing something without ever really considering the steps which must be taken to accomplish it. Nothing is ever as easy as we think it is! It may be one thing to say, “I’d love to tie you to a chair and make love to you!” and another thing entirely to accomplish such a thing. Even if you’re just role-playing out the scenario in an erotic online chat, you’re forced to step through the process in your mind until you realize that making love to someone whose butt is firmly planted in a chair might actually be harder than you thought.
Time is another real advantage of an online BDSM relationship. Time is your friend. Time has a way of working real magic when it comes to separating the wheat from the chaff. The faster you move from the first online hello to a committed real-life relationship, the greater the probability that it will end in an epic train wreck. Sure, there are always exceptions to this rule (which I am sorely tempted to call Makai’s Law), but the laws of probability are immutable and unyielding. You should view any online relationship as an opportunity to really get to know one another at the deepest levels before you start sharing the rent. If it is a relationship that is truly meant to be, then the time you spend doing so will be a wise investment.
Some of the most rewarding relationships I’ve ever been in began online and eventually transitioned successfully to real-life, committed relationships. Is it my preferred way to begin a relationship? No, it is not. But, then again, you don’t always get to choose how, when, and with whom you fall in love. Love chooses you, and it has an annoying habit of doing so in agonizingly unpredictable ways.
The keys to succeeding in any online BDSM relationship are to go into it with open eyes, be aware of the many possible risks and rewards, to have a plan, and to keep your expectations realistic.
My Two Cents on Online BDSM Relationships
Roxy, a young submissive who was new to the online BDSM lifestyle and had no real experience whatsoever with the real-world one, seemed preoccupied and pensive as her avatar kneeled stoically on a pillow in a quiet corner of the BDSM chat room. She was usually a cheerful girl with a bubbly demeanor but today, she was anything but. Something was obviously very wrong.
“How’s your trial with your new Master going?” I asked. She’d met Drago in this very room, just one week earlier, and had agreed to a trial with him after only a few minutes of conversation. At the time, I’d considered it a rather rash and unwise decision, but it really wasn’t my place to say so. Roxy was silent for a moment, and then hesitatingly replied, “Meh. I told him to go fuck himself.”
I nodded silently in response, not giving voice to the first thought that had popped into my head, which was: Not entirely unexpected. Instead, I diplomatically said, “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m guessing the trial is off, then?” She gave a little nod and replied, “I guess so.” A moment passed, and she tentatively added, “Umm... He threatened me. Do you think I should be worried?”
“What d
o you mean, threatened you?” I asked. “What did he say, exactly?”
Roxy answered, “He said he would hunt me down in real-life, and kick my ass. He said he would make me sorry that I had spoken to him like that.” Long pause. “He can’t really do that, can he?”
“It’s depends,” I replied. “Which part? Hunt you down, kick your ass, or make you sorry? I’m pretty sure he could accomplish all three. But then again, considering how hard headed you can be, that whole making you sorry part may be a little harder than he thinks.”
Clearly, she didn’t like what she was hearing. “Are you saying that he really could find out where I live? There is no possible way! I have never even told him what state I live in. At most, he knows my first name, and that isn’t even my real first name, it’s a nickname.”
I sighed. I have always hated the painful process of trying to convince someone that she isn’t really as clever or as anonymous as she thinks she is. Once they’re shown just how vulnerable they really are, some people simply log off and never come back. It’s that much of a shock to them. But the alternative is to stand by and do nothing while they risk being hurt or even killed by some crazed whack-job. It had to be done. “Don’t go anywhere,” I said. “I’ll be back in five minutes.”
When I returned a few minutes later, I showed her what I’d found: Her full legal name. Her home address and telephone numbers, both her landline and her cell phone. Her email address, Facebook, Pinterest and Tumblr accounts. Vacation pictures and names of her and all of her family members. And I found it all in less than five minutes. How? Simple, really. The trick is to find a single thread and pull on it until the entire illusion of anonymity unravels.
In her particular case, a simple reverse search of a photograph associated with her account led me to her social media accounts like Facebook and Tumblr. Those sites gave me her email address and the name of her home town. From there, it was easy to get her real name, home address, and telephone numbers.
Predictably, Roxy was not amused.
“The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.”
- - Martina Navratilova
Chapter 6: The Collar
What is a collar?
Ask the average person on the street, and he’ll tell you that a collar is something that the owners of cats and dogs put around their necks of their pets; they’re usually made of leather and have D-rings which make it easier to attach a leash and any dog-tags which might help to identify the pet in the event it becomes lost. Ask someone in the D/s or BDSM lifestyle for their definition of a collar, and you’re likely to get a completely different answer. In fact you’ll probably get a lot of completely different answers, because even within the lifestyle, there are divergent opinions on the significance and meaning of collars.
It might be overly simplistic to put forth the idea that the common denominator that binds all of those differing opinions on collars is the notion that a collar represents a commitment of some sort on the part of the wearer and the one who bestows the collar, but even that becomes problematic when one considers the fact that collars have become a vanilla counter-culture fashion accessory for many. You’ll also find, even within the BDSM culture, that there are some who wear a collar as a fashion statement, socio-political statement, or purely for utilitarian play purposes. Obviously, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all definition that could put any raging collar controversies to rest, but we can focus on some of the most common characteristics, types, and assumptions about collars in the BDSM culture.
Symbolism of the Collar
To most of the people in the BDSM lifestyle who assign meaning to a collar, it is symbolic of ownership and represents a mutual commitment. It is usually the degree of ownership and/or commitment that typically becomes a point of contention in BDSM relationships. For some, particularly in the online BDSM community, a collar may be nothing more than a role-play accessory which has no more significance than an imaginary sword used in World of Warcraft. For others who may be living the lifestyle full-time in a real world setting, a collar could represent something that – in terms of importance and level of commitment - surpasses even marriage.
Since collars are entirely symbolic in nature to the people in this lifestyle, it is extremely important that anyone considering entering into a relationship that involves a collar, or even the possibility of a collar in the future, have a frank discussion with his or her partner about exactly what that collar symbolizes for everyone concerned. Imagine the potential problems which are bound to occur in any relationship where a Dominant believes the collar symbolizes absolute ownership requiring unquestioning obedience from the wearer, while the submissive simply thinks of it as a coveted status symbol or fashion accessory. Unfortunately, this sort of thing happens all the time.
The actual, physical collars that are used by those in BDSM relationships, if they are used at all, may consist of literally anything that is worn around the submissive’s neck. For most people, the stereotypical collar generally conjures images of a black leather pet-style collar with a buckle and D-rings; perhaps even decorated with adornments such as rhinestones or metal studs. But in reality, a collar is just as likely to be a fashionable choker or ribbon, or even a conventional looking gold or silver chain with a pendant. The bottom line is a collar may be anything that the individuals in a relationship mutually agree upon. This applies equally to the rules governing the wear of the collar. For some, a collar is something that should never be removed, under any circumstances. For others, the collar is worn only in the bedroom or at BDSM group functions. It is generally a good idea to ensure that any rules specifying what is or isn’t appropriate, when it comes to when, where and how the collar is worn in your relationship, be established before the collar is padlocked around your neck.
As long as we’re discussing physical collars here, we should take the opportunity to discuss something that is, for many, the bewildering and often frustrating phenomenon of online collars. An online collar, for our purposes, is defined as a collar that represents the relationship between two people who have never actually met in real life. This would also include solid, three-dimensional collars that are sent by Dominants to submissives whom they have never actually met, in reality. At the risk of engaging in a generalization that will probably anger and offend some readers, here’s what I think of online collars: They are just like real-life collars, except less so. By that, I mean that they are less real and less significant in practically every possible aspect, save one – the emotions associated with it. The emotions associated with an online collar can be very real and very strong, however, almost by definition, the commitment is not yet strong enough to merit meeting in real life. Do online collared relationships ever successfully make the difficult transition to real life? Of course they do. Unfortunately, the odds of it happening are extremely low.
Types of Collars
A collar represents, for the individuals involved, whatever they agree that it represents. In other words, no one should attempt to define the symbolism, meaning or significance of another person’s collar. It would be very much like trying to tell a married person what her wedding ring is supposed to symbolize. Each collar means something different to the person wearing it. Even so, there are several generic classifications of collars which you may encounter that typically have the same meaning to just about everyone in the BDSM lifestyle. In other words, if you want your collar to mean something else entirely, it’s probably not a good idea to use one of the following names for it:
Velcro Collar
Velcro collars don’t really exist, at least not in the sense that the term is generally used in the BDSM community. It’s a derogatory term used by people in the lifestyle who take their collars very seriously to describe the practice of collaring indiscriminately and often, without regard to whether or not there is any real relationship at its core. The rapid growth of BDSM related internet chat rooms, games, and
instant messaging programs have contributed to an online environment where casual and often anonymous experimentation occurs with few significant or lingering consequences. As a result, it is not at all unusual to see brand new, curious or naïve self-proclaimed Dominants collaring several new submissives each day. The commitment associated with accepting such a collar is typically limited to a one-night-stand of cybersex, after which the status of the pseudo-relationship is dubious, at best.
One of the things that make so-called Velcro collars a common phenomenon, at least in the online BDSM community, is the unfortunate tendency on the part of new submissives to believe that they must find a Master immediately, and at all costs. This is not only foolish, but can be extremely dangerous, especially for brand new, naïve submissives who haven’t yet learned how to protect themselves from the predators and abusers who are sometimes drawn to the lifestyle like moths to a flame. It’s reminiscent of the old Steve Martin joke about how to be a millionaire. (“First, get a million dollars.”) Similarly, there are many curious people exploring the lifestyle right now who believe that the key to becoming a submissive is, “First, get a Master.” The truly unfortunate thing about it is, it’s not a joke.
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Page 13