Compersion. The joy or satisfaction derived from the knowledge that someone you love is expressing his or her love for another person. Compersion is sometimes referred to as the opposite of jealousy.
Complex Marriage. A form of group marriage where all of the male members of the group are considered to be married to all of the female members, and all the female members are considered to be married to all of the male members.
Co-husband. Any male in a group marriage who is one of at least two males in the relationship.
Corporate Marriage. A group marriage that is organized as a legal entity (i.e. as a corporation or limited liability partnership) in order to have standing in the courts, and to specify the legal obligations and privileges of the individuals in the relationship.
Cowboy. Slang reference to a monogamous male who becomes involved with a poly female with the intent of separating her from her other poly partners.
Cuddle Party. A term to describe gatherings which encourage the expression of physical affection while at the same time forbidding sexual activity. (A commercial trademark owned by Reid Mihalko.)
Cyclic Monogamy. Sometimes referred to as serial monogamy. The practice of having multiple monogamous relationships, either serially or concurrently, and often without the knowledge of the multiple partners, who believe their relationships are monogamous.
Democratic Family. A poly relationship where all of the adult partners are considered equal.
Dyad. A couple, or a relationship between two individuals. Poly people in dyads are not considered monogamous simply because there are only two people in the relationship. See also: Triad, Quad, Group Marriage.
Emotional Fidelity. A term generally more common to swingers than in polyamory. The practice of reserving strong emotion or love for a particular partner or relationship, even though sex may occur outside the relationship with other people.
Emotional Libertarianism. A doctrine which teaches that each individual is responsible for his or her own emotions; it is a personal choice, since no one else can make you feel an emotion. Thinking or saying, “You made me angry” runs counter to the teachings of emotional libertariansm.
Exclusion Jealousy. The fear of being neglected or abandoned by one’s lover.
Hinge. Typically a person in a poly relationship who is the common denominator, center or crux of a triad or vee, where the other individuals have little or no relationship with each other.
Line Marriage. A poly marriage that periodically adds younger members to replace those who leave or pass away, creating a sort of immortality for the relationship that outlives any of its individual members. The term was coined by author Robert A. Heinlein.
O.S.O. An acronym for Other Significant Other.
O.P.P. An acronym for One Penis Policy.
Monogamish. A term used to describe couples who are generally monogamous, but allow limited sexual relationships outside of the marriage, as long as they are not viewed as serious or long-term.
M.S.O. Acronym for Most Significant Other. Typically refers to the partner in a poly relationship that has, for whatever reason, greater seniority or standing than the other(s).
Panamory. Refers to the ability to love a person without regard to their sex, gender identity, or sexual orientation. Being capable of loving anyone is not the same as actually loving everyone.
Polyactivist. A person who is actively engaged in advocating for reforms that promote the practice and philosophy of polyamory in the legal, political, social and religious arenas.
Polyandry. Refers to a polyamorous relationship in which a woman has more than one male partner. It is typically used to describe a polygamous or plural marriage consisting of a wife with two or more husbands.
Polyfidelous. The practice of being faithful to more than one partner, usually in a polyamorous relationship, is called polyfidelity. For example, a polyamorous Dominant with two submissives may choose to be polyfidelous to his two partners, not engaging in intimate relations with anyone else.
Poly Friendly. An umbrella term used to describe a person, place, organization, business, or policy that does not discriminate against people who are in polyamorous relationships.
Polyfuckery. A derisive term used to describe those who call themselves polyamorous but who are, in fact, just sexually promiscuous.
Polygyny. Refers to a polyamorous relationship in which a man has more than one female partner. It is typically used to describe a polygamous or plural marriage consisting of a husband with two or more wives.
Poly/mono or Mono/poly. Any relationship between a monogamous person and a polyamorous one.
Polysaturated. Humorous term used to describe a poly relationship which is “full.” In other words, adding any more partners would cause problems for the relationship.
Polyunsaturated. The opposite of polysaturated. A poly relationship with room for more partners.
Polysexual. Having multiple sexual relationships which do not involve love or intimacy. (See polyfuckery.)
Pollywog. A humorous term for a child in a poly household.
Puppy-pile Poly. A term used to describe a poly relationship where all of the individuals are romantically and/or sexually involved with one another, without clear lines of relation or hierarchy, reminiscent of the way puppies sleep in a chaotic pile.
Sororal Polygyny. A poly relationship where a man is married to two or more women who are sisters by birth.
Spice. A humorous term that is sometimes used as the plural of spouse.
Swolly. A contraction of the words swinger and poly. A person who has multiple loving relationships, but also has recreational sex that doesn’t involve emotional attachments.
Vee. (See Hinge.)
Zee. A poly relationship consisting of 4 individuals forming a “Z”, or two vees joined by a relationship between the two hinges.
My Two Cents on Polyamory
In the unlikely event that you haven’t guessed by now, I just happen to be polyamorous and have been all of my life. It hasn’t always been easy, and there were plenty of times that I wished I weren’t poly, but it is what it is, and I am what I am.
Over the years, I’ve had many opportunities to try and explain what I think it means to be poly to my monogamous friends and potential love interests, with predictably mixed results. Eventually, I came up with something that I like to call my “Spaghetti Story.” Don’t ask me why I chose spaghetti to illustrate this little fable; it was a completely random choice, which may or may not have been influenced by an intense craving for Italian food at the time. But, I digress. Here it is:
The Spaghetti Story – A Poly Parable
Imagine that you and I are friends, and that the two of us are sitting alone in my dining room, side-by-side, at a large dinner table. Both of us are hungry, but the table is curiously set. In front of you, sits an empty plate. In front of me, sits a large bowl of – you guessed it - spaghetti. It isn’t just your typical large bowl of spaghetti. No. There’s more spaghetti here than I could possibly eat in one sitting. In fact, this is more spaghetti than I could possibly eat in a month of spaghetti dinners. I could probably supply one of those Kiwanis Club spaghetti dinner fundraisers with all of this spaghetti. We’re talking about... a lot... of spaghetti, here.
I look over to see you sitting there, behind your empty plate, with your chin in your hands, staring at my colossal bowl of spaghetti. It’s fairly obvious that you’re really hungry. I can almost hear your empty stomach, growling like a dog does when you reach for his favorite bone.
And so, I ask, “Would you like half of this spaghetti?”
For a moment, you regard me through suspicious, squinting eyes, as you consider my simple offer. Your suspicion turns to self-righteous indignation, and you respond with a curiously puffed-up air of moral superiority, “No thanks, I don’t like to share.”
The Moral of the Story
It seriously just kills me that I sometimes have to explain the meaning of this little parable to some pe
ople. I mean, come on. It just isn’t that complicated. Even so, for the benefit of those few, here it is, in a nutshell:
It isn’t your spaghetti to share. It’s mine.
You may want it all, but you end up with a whole lot of nothing. In the end, others end up reaping the benefits of your pride and greed, but at least you’re making someone happy, even if it isn’t you.
I believe that the human heart has an infinite capacity for love. And half of infinity is still a hell of a lot of spaghetti.
With, or without breadsticks.
“Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.”
- - Mark Twain
Chapter 13: D/s, BDSM, & Religion
It is often said that the three topics you should never discuss in polite company are sex, religion, and politics. We’ve already spent much of this tome discussing the sexual aspects of the D/s and BDSM lifestyles, and in the next chapter, we’ll be touching upon some of the legal and socio-political considerations that should be taken into account by anyone contemplating a D/s relationship. In this chapter, we’ll be exploring the connection between D/s and religion, and discussing any significance that the link might have for you.
According to the American Religious Identification Survey (2008), 76% of Americans identify themselves as Christians, 4% as belonging to other religions, and 15% are atheist, agnostic or have no religious affiliation at all. In other words, religion is important to 80% of Americans, and yet practically nothing has ever been written about how religion affects the lives of those who are considering or currently in D/s relationships, or living a BDSM lifestyle.
Our objective, in the following pages, will be to attempt to fill that void. Before we go any further, however, I would like to make a suggestion: If you happen to be the sort of person for whom any discussion of religion causes blood to actually gush from your eye-sockets, this might be a good time to skip ahead to the next chapter. Please. This chapter is for the 80% of Americans who are religious, and may have concerns about this lifestyle from within a religious context. The other 20% should simply move along; nothing to see here, folks.
Questions concerning the compatibility of a D/s or BDSM lifestyle with one’s religious beliefs are far more common than you might think. All you have to do is browse any random selection of online religious forums or web sites, you’ll invariably encounter a lot of inquiries similar to this one:
“My husband wants to start doing some BDSM stuff in the bedroom, and I have to admit, I am curious and a little excited at the idea. We are both devout church-goers and don’t want to do anything that runs counter to the teachings of our religion. The problem is, neither of us is willing to ask our spiritual advisor if it’s okay to do the whips and chains thing in the bedroom. We’re stuck, and don’t know where to go for advice. Help!”
For every person who gives voice to a question like the one above, there are scores who don’t for fear of condemnation or embarrassment. There’s a common misconception, both among those with a religious outlook and the non-religious alike, that there must be a fundamental conflict between being devoutly religious and living a D/s or BDSM lifestyle. The reality is that, for most people, nothing could be further from the truth. People are often surprised to learn that we can, indeed, build a very compelling case for both D/s relationships and BDSM activities from within a devoutly religious world-view. In the following pages, we’re going to take a look at how BDSM and D/s relationships might be viewed through the prism of religion, specifically Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Paganism, and yes, even Christianity.
D/s and Judaism: Could Lead to Mixed Dancing
Judaism is the three-thousand-year-old Abrahamic faith which later became the foundation of Christianity. For many, it is simultaneously a religion, a philosophy, and a way of life. Interestingly, there are no universally held beliefs or core doctrines that are considered essential to being a Jew. Some historians have criticized Judaism for emphasizing the observance of customs, rituals and observances over any specific dogma or core religious beliefs. In fact, there are some who consider themselves Jews while simultaneously considering themselves agnostics or atheists. There is no central authority over Judaism, and doctrine is sourced primarily from the Torah, the Talmud, and Maimonides’ (12th century Torah scholar and Rabbi Mosheh Ben Maimon) Thirteen Principles of Faith. Even so, there are an infinite number of interpretations of each, which often makes it difficult if not impossible to know what is - or isn’t - acceptable when it comes to sexual or BDSM practices.
Generally speaking, Judaism teaches that sex within the context of a committed relationship is a good thing. The Torah commandment known as onah requires a man to have regular sex with his wife. The Talmud even goes even further, specifying how often a man should have sex with his wife: Wealthy men should bed their wives every day. Common laborers are cut some slack, and are only expected to do it twice a week. Donkey-drivers are commanded to have relations with their mates once a week; camel-drivers once every thirty 30 days; and sailors at least once every six months!
When it comes to how the Jewish faith views kinkier activities and fetishes, things can get a little confusing, however. There is an old joke about a Jewish woman who went to her rabbi for advice on whether or not it would be alright if she and her husband tried a little BDSM. She asks, “Would it be alright if my husband tied me to the bed?” The rabbi nods, and says, “Not a problem, my dear.” The woman then asks, “How about if he puts me over his knee and spanks my bare bottom?” The rabbi replies, “Nothing wrong with that. That would be fine.” Somewhat emboldened, the woman asks, “Could we have sex standing up in the middle of the living room?” The rabbi just shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, my dear, but that is forbidden. That could lead to mixed dancing.”
In the Judaic tradition, the term isurei bi’ah refers to those with whom Jews are forbidden to engage in sex. The list includes:
· Gentiles, meaning non-Jews.
· Incestuous relations.
· Mamzerim, meaning anyone who is the offspring of a forbidden relationship, such as adultery.
· Any woman during her menstrual period.
· Divorcees
Other acts that are expressly mentioned as being forbidden include extra-marital sex, male homosexual anal intercourse, bestiality, masturbation, ejaculating outside of a woman’s vagina, cuckolding, cross dressing by either sex, having sex with the lights on, and males performing oral sex on women.
When it comes to BDSM, however, things can get a bit more complicated. For example, would the restrictions against incest and bestiality forbid a person from engaging in BDSM age-play or animal role-play? Cross dressing may be forbidden, but what about forced feminization? Activities such as forced masturbation, forced homosexual sex, and queening are just a few of the things that may occupy this moral grey area in Judaism. When it comes to D/s relationships specifically, Maimonides seemed to subscribe to essentially the same “safe, sane and consensual” philosophy that many in the BDSM lifestyle follow today. He wrote that a married couple should be able to engage in any sexual acts they desire, as long as both partners consent to them. He maintained that there should be no forced sex acts, and that sexual relations should always be conducted with “dignity and holiness.”
D/s and Islam: Keep Your Clothes On
For adherents of the Islamic faith, the Quran, the sayings of Muhammad (called the hadith), and the rulings of religious leaders (called fatwa) are the ultimate authorities, even when it comes to relationships, sex, and BDSM. Despite the historic tensions between the two religions, Islam and Judaism are both Abrahamic religions, and there are a lot of similarities in their respective approaches to sexuality. They both forbid adultery, incestuous relations, male homosexual anal intercourse, and sex with menstruating women, for example. Some restrictions on sex that are unique to Islam include a prohibition on sex with a woman for forty days after childbirth, a prohibitio
n on sex during daylight hours during the month of Ramadan, and a ban on sex while making a religious pilgrimage to Mecca.
One might naturally assume that slavery and the ownership of concubines is accepted in many cultures where Islam is practiced, that the teachings of Islam would be sympathetic to those in the D/s lifestyle. After all, a large number of them consider themselves Masters and slaves, do they not?
Islamic law not only allows for the ownership of slaves (jariya) and concubines (surriyya), but even goes so far as to specify a Master’s rights to have sex with them, impregnate them, or to sell them. For example, if a concubine has a child by her Master, he must acknowledge his paternity of the child, and no longer has the right to sell or transfer ownership of the mother. A Master may have as many concubines as he wishes, and his wife may have as many slave girls as she wishes, as well. However, the Master does not have sexual access to his wife’s slave girls.
For many Muslims, it may be difficult to know which BDSM activities are halal (allowed), and which are haram (forbidden). For the most part, Islamic law teaches that any form of consensual sexual intimacy between man and wife, or man and concubine is halal, except anal sex or sex during menstruation. A woman may not, however, be compelled by her husband (or in the case of a concubine, her Master) to perform any sex act that may be considered to be physically, emotionally or relationally harmful or demeaning. This, of course, is always open to interpretation. Many Muslim sects have issued fatwas regarding the practice of sexual sadism, classifying it as a harmful practice, and essentially forbidding it. Additionally, there are also a large number of authoritative fatwas forbidding any role play of an activity that, in reality, would be considered haram. This would include BDSM role-play activities like age play, incest play, pet play, rape play, and forced feminization.
Not only do many of the private BDSM activities between a man and a woman fall under the auspices of Islamic law (sharia), but participation in various BDSM social activities may, as well. A large part of the BDSM culture involves social events such as BDSM munches, dungeon play, and play parties. What might Islamic law have to say about that? It probably won’t come as much of a surprise when we say, quite a lot.
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