I do realize this is a difficult thing for some people to wrap their heads around, and I hope you are able to grasp what it is that I’m trying to say here. BDSM and sex really do go great together. All I’m saying is, they don’t have to. Think: sex and television. You can have sex without television, and you can certainly watch television without sex. Sometimes, you can even do both (gasp!) at the same time. So, is watching television during sex inherently a good thing or a bad thing? It probably depends on who you’re doing it with, what you’re watching, and why.
Watching a little porn to spice things up during sex could turn out to be great for your relationship. Watching SpongeBob Squarepants reruns, perhaps less so. Regardless, if turns out to be a bad thing, it is hardly the television’s fault. The bottom line, as far as the seventh commandment is concerned, is simply this: If you’re predisposed to commit adultery, the presence (or absence) of BDSM in your life probably isn’t going to change that.
The last three commandments are easy. Don’t lie, cheat or covet. Frankly, if you are having problems with any of those, you have bigger problems than the challenges of living a BDSM lifestyle, and should probably be reading a completely different kind of book – perhaps something like, “How Not to Be a Complete Jerk.”
Were you at all surprised to learn just how lifestyle-friendly the Ten Commandments could be? Believe it not, we’ve somehow managed to wade through the entire Ten Commandments without encountering a single potential deal-breaker for someone who might be considering the BDSM lifestyle! I don’t know about you, but I really do think that’s kind of cool.
What the Bible Says About D/s
As we stated earlier, many of the harmful misconceptions about the lifestyle commonly held by those outside the BDSM culture can be traced to equating BDSM with sex. Unfortunately, the scriptures are usually about as clear as mud on the subject of sex, and much less so on any activities which might be associated with BDSM. This is primarily a consequence of the many ways the world and the meanings of key words and phrases have evolved in the course of two thousand years. Take, for example, how the following biblical terms and doctrines have changed over time:
· Early Christians interpreted fornication to mean adultery, incest, and bestiality. Today, it is generally understood to mean any sex outside of marriage, to include premarital sex.
· The New Testament (Matt 5:32) taught that anyone who married a divorced woman was committing adultery. Today, adultery is interpreted to mean sex outside of marriage.
· Sex before marriage was widely tolerated, if not accepted, throughout much of Christianity until the Anglican Church made it taboo in 1753.
· Most of the biblical passages that are today interpreted as references to masturbation are actually references to coitus interuptus, or the practice of pulling out of a woman’s vagina before ejaculation.
Given these and other examples of linguistic and doctrinal evolution, it’s easy to see how the various Christian sects and denominations would be forced to develop their own ideas on what is and isn’t acceptable, as far as sexuality is concerned. A casual student of the Bible who might be looking for specific guidance on how to apply biblical principles to twenty-first century sexuality would have a daunting task ahead, indeed. The good news is, the focus of our examination isn’t so much sexuality as it is about viewing Domination/submission through the prism of Christianity, and that - surprisingly - isn’t as difficult as you might think.
The Bible is literally chock-full of advice on things like how to submit to God or to your husband, how to treat your slave or wife, and how to respect and obey those who have rule over you. In fact, viewing the scriptures as a collection of similitudes and parables which can serve as templates for healthy D/s relationships can prove to be very useful indeed! For example, consider the advice that the apostle Paul gave in his letter of instruction to the members of the church in Ephesus, when he wrote:
Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
(Ephesians 5: 20-25)
It is fascinating that Paul admonishes the saints in Ephesus to “submit yourselves one to another,” and goes on to encourage wives to submit to their husbands as they would to the Lord. He even plainly states that the church should be viewed as a similitude for the relationship dynamic between a husband and wife. He ends this passage by reminding us that the gift of submission should always be reciprocated with love and sacrifice.
We should reiterate something here, which may or may not be obvious to the casual reader, and that is simply that in this era, husbands were expected to be Dominants, and wives were expected to be submissives. It was not then, nor is it now, a value judgment of any sort. It was simply a fact of life.
In his letter to the Hebrews, Paul expounds upon the subject of obedience:
Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. (Hebrews 13:17)
Not only does Paul again encourage us to submit, but he goes into some detail on why we should do so in a fashion that facilitates “those who have rule” over us. First, they are held accountable for what we do and second, if we make it a miserable experience for them, it always ends up hurting us in the long run. In his epistle to the Colossians, Paul expounds on the subject even further:
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God: And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men. (Colossians 3:18-23)
Finally, Paul admonishes the Masters, or heads of households with servants, of Colossae to deal fairly with those who are under their charge, and leaves them with a friendly reminder:
Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal; knowing that ye also have a Master in heaven. (Colossians 4:1)
Obviously, there is no shortage of passages from the Old and New Testaments to support a religious foundation for a D/s lifestyle. The Bible clearly teaches that submission to one another teaches us how to be submissive to God, and therefore should be considered a good thing. It also teaches that husbands and masters are expected to be just and fair, to honor those over whom they have charge, and that they will be held accountable for their welfare. That advice is just as valuable today as it was two-thousand years ago.
D/s Advice From the Master
The third authoritative resource that we should consider in our examination of Christian doctrines as they pertain to a D/s lifestyle should be the teachings and life of the Master himself, Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus was considered something of a radical in his time for teaching doctrines that were considered heretical by the established religious authorities. A prime example would be the way Jesus took existing religious doctrines, precepts as simple as “Love thy neighbor as thyself” (Leviticus 19:18), and turned them on their heads to confound the religious establishment. Jesus taught, instead:
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. (Matthew 5: 43-44)
Jesus understood the power of love in teac
hing, guiding, and overcoming obstacles to submission, such as pride or arrogance. British author Mary Cowden Clarke once wrote, “Fear may induce the show of submission; but love only can truly subjugate a haughty spirit.” Among those whom Jesus taught were the twelve disciples, some of whom were initially skeptical and headstrong. Our modern usage of the term “doubting Thomas” is a biblical reference to the Apostle Thomas, to whom the divinity of Jesus had to be proven before he would believe it. Even so, Jesus won them over with love and so, too, will any D/s relationship depend upon liberal helpings of it.
Another of Jesus’ unconventional doctrines concerned his confrontational approach to the religious hypocrisy of the established order, and resisting the temptation to share liberally with them the details of a philosophy and lifestyle that they would never be able to understand. Though his intent was clearly focused upon the sharing of the gospel with those who are incapable of appreciating it, his advice is probably just as applicable today to those in the D/s culture who may be tempted to share just a little too much of their lifestyle with their vanilla friends:
Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you. (Matthew 7:6)
Just as the Christian faith isn’t for everyone, neither is the D/s lifestyle. There will always be those who are simply not suited for it, regardless of their religious affiliations or beliefs, or even their professed devotion to the principles and tenets of a D/s philosophy. Not everyone who embarks upon a voyage of self-discovery into the worlds of domination/submission or BDSM will find fulfillment or meaning there. Not everyone you encounter in the lifestyle will be as equally committed to the same underlying philosophy or ethical constraints that you may be. In this lifestyle, as in any lifestyle, there will always be pretenders and predators in seek of prey. Even so, the Master explains how you can easily spot them:
Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in there at: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so, every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. (Matthew 7:13-17)
I shall leave it to your imagination and, of course, to your particular life-circumstances to determine what those “fruits” - be they good or evil - might be. It should suffice to say that there are usually some very good reasons why certain individuals are shunned or ignored by others in the lifestyle. When evaluating someone as a potential D/s relationship partner, you would be well served to take note of the fruits of their labors and the outcomes of their previous relationships.
Skepticism and reason should certainly be your companions on any voyage of discovery towards a life of Domination/submission, but one should never underestimate the critical role of faith in this journey. By faith, I am not referring to religious faith, despite the fact that it happens to be the subject of this chapter. No, in this instance, I mean faith in the process, faith in your partner, and faith in yourself. Jesus proved the critical importance of faith to his disciples when he demonstrated to them that he wasn’t the only one who could perform miracles:
But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary. And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? (Matthew 14:24-31)
Many Christians are inexplicably unaware that Jesus’ disciples were able to perform miracles in much the same fashion as their Master. This retelling of how Peter walked on water is just one of many examples chronicled in the scriptures.
Because of his faith, not just in Jesus, but also his faith in himself, Peter was able to walk upon the surface of the sea just like Jesus. When he became distracted and frightened by the wind and the waves, his faith waned, and he sank like a stone. What miracles might you be able to accomplish through your faith as you explore a relationship in this lifestyle?
Filling a Void
I wrote this chapter hoping to fill a void for those of you who may have been concerned about potential conflicts between your deeply held religious beliefs and your interest in a D/s or BDSM lifestyle. I chose the six most prevalent religions in America, and gave you an admittedly cursory glimpse at their theologies in general before attempting to extrapolate from that their perspectives on D/s and BDSM in particular.
I fully understand that writing on such matters is an undertaking that is virtually guaranteed to satisfy no one and, in fact, may even upset or enrage some readers. If you happen to be one who has been offended or outraged by my characterization of your religious beliefs or by my conclusions, I would like to sincerely apologize. I am, after all, not a theologian, and no one can ever truly know your religious beliefs and convictions like you do. I can only hope that what I have written on this particular topic has helped someone who may have been praying for answers to some difficult questions. At the very least, I hope it will encourage others to ponder this lifestyle from a novel perspective.
I leave it to you to judge whether I have succeeded in either endeavor.
“There is no happiness where there is no wisdom; No wisdom but in submission to the gods. Big words are always punished, and proud men in old age learn to be wise.”
- - Sophocles (497 BC - 406 BC)
My Two Cents on D/s and Religion
I have never felt that there was, nor should there be, any conflict between a person’s D/s lifestyle and his or her deeply held religious beliefs and, for me, there never has been. I’ve always just assumed that this was probably because I’ve always been really bad at anything having to do with guilt, and have always been pretty good at compartmentalizing things in my own head, even if they happen to be competing or contradictory notions.
I subscribe to the idea that simultaneously entertaining completely contradictory beliefs is a great way to give your brain a good workout. Blaise Pascal once said, “Contradiction is not a sign of falsity, nor the lack of contradiction a sign of truth,” and I agree.
On the other hand, I have recently had an epiphany which leads me to think that there may be another reason why I’ve never been cognizant of any real divide that separates D/s and religion. The more I think about it, the more credible and profound the notion becomes, at least in my own head. Or, it could just be the tequila.
Wherever it came from, this was my epiphany: Maybe, just maybe... D/s is my religion.
If that boggles your mind, just try being in my head sometime. Boggled is pretty much my normal state. Just once, I’d like to know what it’s like to be unboggled. That would be cool.
If God exists, he’s got to be a Dom.
If he wasn’t, he probably wouldn’t even have been considered for the position. The help-wanted ad probably read something like: “Seeking self-motivated self-starter with unparalleled project management skills and who can work well without supervision. Must be willing to provide guidance and supervision to billions of subordinates. Limited opportunities for advancement, but plenty of perks and recognition. Subbies need not apply.”
That last part stings, I know, and probably violates all kinds of cosmic equal oppor
tunity laws. I’m guessing the universe has a really crappy H.R. Director, but hey, that’s not my circus; not my monkey.
I think religion in general has unfairly gotten a pretty bad rap. Many people, when they see the word religion, think church. And let’s face it: There are a lot of crazy-ass churches out there. But the existence of stupid churches doesn’t make religion wrong any more than the existence of stupid algebra students makes mathematics wrong.
Let’s stop blaming God for our own stupidity.
When we think of religion, we should think of the unique relationship between us and God, and also between us and our fellow human beings. If God is a Dom, that makes him a teacher, guide, and example. Perhaps we are simply meant to emulate him, explore that relationship that exists between us and him, and then try to apply those principles in our relationships with our fellow human beings.
Monkey see, monkey do. And, yes, I realize that’s three monkey references in the last five minutes. I blame the tequila.
Perhaps D/s really is my religion. It has but one commandment, which is a slightly modified version of the Golden Rule:
Dom unto others as you would have God Dom unto you.
“This is a pleasant surprise, Archie. I would not have believed it. That of course is the advantage of being a pessimist; a pessimist gets nothing but pleasant surprises, an optimist nothing but unpleasant.”
- - Rex Stout
Chapter 14: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Page 39