by Mary Monroe
“Shit! I don’t want to hurt her feelin’s. She might up and quit, and I don’t want her to do that. Not after all I’ve told so many of my regulars about her.”
“Do you want me to talk to her? She might take it better if another woman told her to fix herself up.”
Pee Wee caressed his chin and thought about what I’d just said. “Let me drop a few subtle hints in her direction first. If that don’t work, then maybe I’ll have you or Rhoda put a June bug in her ear. Maybe y’all can take her to the Red Rose and get her drunk. Then take her over to Claudette’s beauty shop and have them give her a makeover or somethin’. When she sobers up and sees how cute she looks, maybe she’ll get the hint. Claudette knows what to do. She’s been turnin’ hound dogs into poodles for years. She can do the same thing for Lizzie! You know what I mean; brush some rouge and shit on her face. Maybe even slap a wig on her head.”
Pee Wee’s interpretation of a makeover was downright scary. I didn’t even bother to tell him that it involved more than having a woman “brush some rouge and shit on her face” and “slap a wig on her head” to make herself look good. I couldn’t imagine what he was going to say to Lizzie for her to get some beauty treatments. And I would have been glad to talk to her myself if he’d asked me. But he didn’t.
Exactly one week to the day after my conversation with Pee Wee about Lizzie’s appearance, Muh’Dear called me up at my office right after I returned from lunch. Just from the low, sweet tone of her voice, I knew she was calling me up with some disturbing news. It didn’t take her long. She got under my skin quicker than a tick. “If I was you, I’d be worried about my husband workin’ with such a pretty woman….”
“Huh?” I responded. My first thought was that Pee Wee had fired Lizzie and hired one of those cute little Asian girls anyway. “What pretty woman are you talking about?” I held the telephone close to my ear so I could make sure I heard everything. “Did he fire Lizzie? I knew this was going to happen!” I slapped the side of my forehead with the palm of my hand. “Muh’Dear, I tried. I did everything I could to help Lizzie. Look, if you see her before I do, let her know how sorry I am about her getting fired. No, that’s all right. I’ll give her a call myself. I hope she didn’t take it too hard.”
“He didn’t fire that woman. She’s the pretty woman I’m talkin’ about.” Muh’Dear sucked on her teeth.
“Lizzie? What did she do to herself? Pee Wee had told me that he was going to drop a few hints to her that might make her get herself fixed up some. You know, some rouge and shit. And maybe a wig…”
“Well, he must have dropped some mighty big hints because that Little Leg Lizzie sure is lookin’ good these days.” I didn’t like the smug tone in my mother’s voice, but I had gotten used to it over the years. She couldn’t help herself. She was one of those old sisters who usually did more harm than good when she tried to “help” somebody.
“Excuse me?” I said. I had visited my OB/GYN earlier that morning and had my annual Pap test and a mammogram. I was still slightly sore from all the poking and prodding I’d endured, so I was in a testy mood. It was hard for me to sound cheerful. But for once, my mother didn’t even comment on how harsh I sounded. “What in the world are you talking about? And if you don’t mind, could you tell me in ten minutes or less? I have a lot of work to do and I got in late, so I can’t spend a lot of time on the phone.”
“You want me to call you when you get home, then?”
“No! I want you to tell me what you called to tell me now,” I hollered.
“You know I’m just tryin’ to help you. I didn’t know you was gwine to get this sassy by me callin’ you—”
“Muh’Dear, please get to the point,” I begged.
“I seen Lizzie comin’ out of Claudette’s beauty shop as I was goin’ in to get my scalp massaged this mornin’. She looks like a film star.”
“Oh? Hmmm. Lizzie got a makeover? That was quick. I’m glad he didn’t waste any time.”
“What was quick?”
“Well, now that she’s working for Pee Wee, we wanted her to be a little more glamorous.”
“We? We who?”
“Pee Wee and I.”
There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence.
“Muh’Dear, are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m still here. I was just thinkin’ about what you just said.” More silence. “Why would you want that woman to look more glamorous?”
“It’s good for business, Muh’Dear.”
“A glamorous woman is good for a lot of other things, too.”
CHAPTER 25
I felt like I was fighting a battle that nobody could win. I felt like I was still on the same treadmill that I’d been on longer than I cared to admit, and I couldn’t get off.
Before Lizzie’s makeover, Muh’Dear had recommended her for the job. Then she was concerned that Lizzie might not be the right choice for the job, all because she had not had her “fruit plucked” by a man yet. And that she didn’t have the right look. But now that Lizzie was looking “glamorous,” Muh’Dear didn’t want Lizzie working for my husband because of that! This was one subject that was really getting on my nerves. It had become a no-win situation as far as I was concerned. The bottom line was, Lizzie had been hired and it appeared that things were working out for her, and for my husband’s business. That was all I cared about.
“Muh’Dear, Pee Wee and I talked about it last week. He told me that he was going to tell Lizzie, or have some female tell her, in a nice way to fix herself up. But I didn’t know he was going to do it so soon!”
“Hmph!”
“What was that grunt for?”
“Nothin’, I guess.” Muh’Dear snorted and cleared her throat. “It ain’t really none of my business.”
“Muh’Dear, if you are trying to say something, just go on and say it,” I ordered with a disgusted sigh.
“I ain’t tryin’ to say nothin’.”
“Then why are we talking about Lizzie? Is that what you called me up for?”
“I called your house last night.”
“And?”
“You was by yourself.”
“I’m by myself a lot. Where is this conversation going?”
“It was four o’clock in the mornin’ and Pee Wee hadn’t come home yet. You told me that yourself.”
“Pee Wee is a grown man. He can do whatever he wants to do.” As soon as I finished my last sentence I realized how stupid it sounded. I knew that my meddlesome mother was going to take those statements and run with them. And she sure did.
“He sure enough will!” she hollered. “Girl, you better watch your step if you want to keep that man. Your tooth is mighty long these days; you ain’t no teenager and you don’t look like Diana Ross. You got a lot of limitations.”
“Uh, Muh’Dear, my other line is ringing. Can I call you back later?”
“You comin’ to have breakfast with me and your daddy this week? We got some of that beef bacon in that you like. Or maybe lunch would be better. Them catfish is jumpin’ out the skillet they so anxious for somebody to see how good they taste with that new curry recipe I just started usin’ today.” Muh’Dear sounded so sweet now, you would have thought that she was a different woman than the woman who’d been berating me in such a harsh voice a few moments ago.
“Not today,” I said quickly. “I’m supposed to meet Pee Wee for lunch,” I lied. “Bye!” I hung up and dialed Pee Wee’s shop immediately. I was stunned when one of the two young apprentices who worked for him told me that he had taken Lizzie to lunch.
“Well, when he returns, will you tell him to call his wife, Cedric?”
“Yes, ma’am. He got your number?”
“Yes, he’s got my number!” I snapped. I didn’t mean to take out my frustration on poor Cedric. The boy was slow, and usually said something stupid when I called or dropped by the shop. But my mother had really gotten to me. Bless Rhoda’s heart. Before I could make up my mind about calling
her, she called me.
“It’s Jade. That girl is drivin’ me up the wall and back down the other side already,” she complained.
“What has Jade done?” I asked, glad that I wouldn’t have to unload my complaint first. If I spent a few minutes listening to Rhoda rant, it would give me time to cool off.
“She’s hopeless. She’s useless.” Rhoda laughed. “Otis gave Vernie a high-level position down at the plant. A desk position at that, so he can go to work lookin’ real dapper in a suit and tie like she wants. But that’s still not good enough for Jade. She thinks the boy should be supervisin’. Can you believe that she’d think that?”
“Yes, I can…”
“Other than a few fast-food joints, he’s never worked a day in his life! She’s been cryin’ like a baby all mornin’.” Rhoda cleared her throat, then growled under her breath. “And I’m not in the mood for it.”
“You’re getting hysterical and that’s not going to help.”
“I am not hysterical!” Rhoda boomed.
I waited for the dust to settle before I spoke again. “Then stop acting like it,” I suggested.
“I’m sorry. You know me. Some days I sound like a fishwife.” She added a dry laugh.
I remained as calm as I possibly could. It would have done no good for us both to be hysterical. Besides, I needed to save all of my hysterical energy for my own problems.
“Have you tried to talk to your daughter?”
“Yes, I have tried to talk to my daughter. It was like tryin’ to talk to a brick wall. Her daddy’s tried to talk to her, too. Her husband has tried to talk to her. Her brain is as nimble as a block of cement.”
“One good thing about it, the girl is consistent.”
“My ass! If she doesn’t watch her step, I am goin’ to consistently whup her ass.”
“I sure hope it doesn’t come to that. Jade’s a grown woman….”
“As if I’d let that stop me from beatin’ some sense into her!”
It seemed like the more we talked, the more hysterical Rhoda sounded. It was hard for me to remain composed. “You want to have lunch, or meet for a drink or something so we can talk about this?” I asked.
“Only if you agree to be the designated driver for the next few days.”
I laughed. “You mean it’s going to take more than one liquid lunch?”
“At least. Oh, if only Bully were here.” Rhoda’s lover was in London taking care of some business. He owned some hotels, so he could afford to live a lavish lifestyle, which meant he spent a great deal of his time in the States kicking back in Rhoda’s house and making love to her on a regular basis. How he managed to still be sleeping with her right up under Otis’s nose was a mystery to me. Since my affair had backfired last summer, I didn’t encourage Rhoda to bring hers up. But somehow we always managed to discuss cheating spouses.
“You’re not going to believe what Muh’Dear tried to imply a few minutes ago.” I guffawed.
“Try me.”
“Lizzie got a makeover this morning. I haven’t seen her, but Muh’Dear ran into her coming out of Claudette’s beauty shop. And you know my mother; she’s going crazy. Claudette must have performed a miracle on Lizzie if Muh’Dear’s worried about her stealing my husband.” I guffawed again.
“Your mother said that?”
“Well, not in those exact words. But that’s what she meant. Can you imagine Pee Wee with Lizzie?”
Rhoda sighed so hard it almost choked her. I was glad to know that she thought the whole idea was just as ludicrous as I did.
CHAPTER 26
I was in no hurry to see Jade face-to-face. Her return impacted me like a boil on my butt! But I had heard so many nice things about her new husband, LaVerne “Vernie” Staples, from Rhoda and a few other people that I was really looking forward to meeting him.
“He’s no Adonis like Marcelo, and he is kind of meek, but he’s good for Jade,” Rhoda told me, giving me a guarded look over drinks.
We occupied a table near the ladies’ room at the Red Rose, our version of the wildly popular bar on the old TV show Cheers. Rhoda beckoned for our waiter, a knock-kneed woman named O’Linda who didn’t hesitate to cuss out patrons who didn’t tip her after each drink she delivered.
“He’ll be a good father, and Jade wants to get pregnant right away. I know you don’t want to hear this, but she said she doesn’t want to be old enough to be a grandmother when she gives birth to her first child, like you. She wants to be a young mother. She wants to grow up with her kids, like I did.” Rhoda paused, finished her glass of Chianti, and fished a couple of dollars from her wallet, which she handed to O’Linda as soon as she set down two more glasses of wine. “Isn’t that cute? Jade’s not even twenty-one yet and she’s concerned about old age already.”
I didn’t think it was necessary for Rhoda to tell me what Jade had said about me being old enough to be a grandmother when I had my daughter. Even though it was true. I wanted to respond to that comment by implying that Jade would probably be a great grandmother by the time she was my age at the rate she was going. I didn’t. I knew Rhoda well enough to know that when she told me something mean and nasty that somebody had said about me, it wasn’t to make me feel bad. And she knew me well enough to know that I always wanted to know where I stood with somebody. As if Jade would not let me know what she thought about me herself. That heifer had such a long reach that during the few months she spent in Alabama, just hearing somebody mention her name made my stomach turn.
With Jade back on the scene, I had to plan my visits to Rhoda’s house more carefully. I wanted to avoid Jade as much as possible, so I didn’t visit when I knew she was on the premises. However, I didn’t let Jade’s presence stop me from visiting my best friend. She usually rolled out of bed around noon, so it was fairly safe for me to drop by during the early morning hours. She went to the clubs several times a week, so it was safe for me to visit between the club hours, too.
My next visit to Rhoda’s house was the morning after we’d had drinks at the Red Rose. I’d arrived around eleven thirty. Rhoda had seated me in her kitchen, my favorite room in her house. She loved to cook Betty Crocker treats for her sweet-toothed husband, so her kitchen always smelled like cakes and cookies. Anyway, there I was sitting in Rhoda’s kitchen sipping from a can of Coors Light and admiring her new granite countertops. We were in the middle of discussing her son-in-law again when she had to attend to a minor problem in her basement with the man from the gas company. There was no one else in the house, so it was very quiet. But it didn’t stay that way long. I was startled by a loud, nasty voice.
“I thought you were here,” Jade huffed. I looked toward the kitchen doorway and there she stood, still in her sexy nightgown, looking as friendly as the grim reaper. “I guess you won’t stop until you wear out your welcome.”
“Hello, Jade,” I said, forcing myself to smile.
“Did Mama burn something?” she asked, looking around and sniffing with a sour look on her face.
“No, not that I know of.”
Jade glared at me for a few moments before she disappeared. Rhoda had returned to the kitchen by the time Jade came back with a can of room deodorizer. Without looking at me, or saying anything to her mother, she started spraying the kitchen, saturating the air with a pine-scented fragrance.
“Good mornin’, honey. I didn’t know you were up,” Rhoda said in a sweet voice. She removed another can of Coors from her refrigerator and started drinking from it right away.
“How can a person sleep in this house with such a foul smell coming from this kitchen? I thought a mouse or some funky creature had died up in here.” Jade looked directly at me and sprayed some more. During my last visit, she had sprayed the telephone with Lysol after I’d used it, so this didn’t bother me much.
“I don’t smell anything foul,” Rhoda said, looking from Jade to me. “Do you, Annette?”
“It is kind of stale in here if you don’t mind me saying so,” I rep
lied, looking directly at Jade. She shot me a smirk before she left the room. I turned to face Rhoda and resumed our conversation. “How does Vernie feel about Jade wanting to have children so soon?” I asked, looking toward the door.
“I really don’t know,” she responded, easing onto a high stool by the counter, sliding her hand over that new granite top. “The boy is so mysterious it’s hard to figure him out. He’s so quiet, he usually doesn’t even speak unless he’s spoken to. I don’t know if he likes livin’ here in Ohio—he’d never even been out of the state of Alabama until now. I don’t even know if he likes workin’ for my husband and livin’ with us. Jade does all the talkin’ for him.” Rhoda stared toward the wall for a few seconds with a blank expression on her face. “I’m concerned about that,” she told me in a worried tone of voice.
“There’s nothing wrong with being quiet,” I said.
Rhoda shook her head. “I meant him bein’ so mysterious.”
“Well, I haven’t met him yet so I can’t offer an opinion; but from what I’ve heard from people who have met him, he makes a really nice first impression, Rhoda.”
“So did Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer. And I am sure that Charles Manson must have made a good first impression, too, on somebody,” she quipped, drinking some more beer with a belch.
“I think you’re going way overboard. It sounds like the boy is the type who likes to keep to himself, that’s all. And there is nothing wrong with that.”
I took a long drink from my can and shook my head. Jade pranced past the doorway, coughing and rubbing her nose like she’d stumbled upon a skunk. I ignored her, but Rhoda gave me the usual hopeless look that invariably accompanied a Jade appearance.
“Anyway, as I was sayin’—keep to himself? Vernie? Uh-uh. That’s one of the things you give up when you get married. If that’s the case with him, there is just no tellin’ what’s on that boy’s mind.”