“Sacrifice your life?” He shook her as he spoke. “For something that happened when you were just a child?”
Andrea’s eyes filled with tears of grief and pain, but she did not allow them to overflow. Instead, she pushed the pain away and re-buried it deep—a tactic she had perfected with a lifetime of practice. “My time here is too short to talk of such things.”
Daniel sighed in exasperation. “Yes, let’s walk.” He took her hand in his. “It will do us both good.”
Chapter 38
Do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.
– Benjamin Franklin
After only a short distance, Andrea paused and stared out over the vast expanse of river, admiring the sparkling ripples reflecting the soft glow of campfires in the distance. “It’s beautiful. I’m so glad I came.” She looked over at Daniel. “Even if you are not.”
“Oh, Andrea, I’m glad you came.” Daniel turned her toward him and brushed a tendril of hair from her face. “You must forgive me for being overly protective. It’s a natural reaction, the way I feel…”
Andrea looked up at him, trying to understand the implications of a sentence he did not finish.
He gazed down at her intently. “I wish I could stop the hands of the clock, right at this moment.” He took a deep ragged breath and let it out slowly, never removing his eyes from hers. “Though I suppose I would have as much success stopping Father Time as stopping you.”
Andrea laid her head on his chest. “Don’t speak about time, Daniel. Nowadays there is never enough of it.”
“I know,” he said, running his hand down the length of her back. “But I cannot help wishing this evening might last forever…and that you would not go.”
“Don’t be angry with me.” Andrea put her hands on his arms and clutched his coat with her fingers. “Truly, I cannot bear it.”
“I’m not angry. I only wish you would reconsider.”
“But what would I do here?” Andrea asked dejectedly.
“You could let me protect you, care for you, the way a man cares for a woman.”
Andrea gazed up at him. “Why would you want to do that for me?”
A look of discouragement and frustration crossed Daniel’s face, but his expression softened when his eyes settled on the coil of mane on the crown of her head. Her hair, which had always been cropped short when she was in camp, had grown quickly during her months in Richmond.
“Take down your hair,” he said.
Andrea blinked and tried unsuccessfully to read the expression on his face. She was only too happy to comply, and release her hair from the uncomfortable style. But she demurred for a moment.
“Is that an order from my superior? Or a request from a friend?”
Daniel lowered his eyes as if losing his courage, then raised them again and grinned. “Let’s say it is both. So if you cannot obey the one, perhaps you can grant the other.”
“Then it would seem I am doubly obliged to consent.” Leaning back against his strong hands, she pulled the single comb from her hair and unwrapped a green ribbon. Shaking her head once, she let the river breeze pick up the soft locks and blow them gently back.
Daniel did not speak for a moment as he ran his fingers through the blonde tendrils that had grown substantially since he’d last seen her.
“I’ve dreamed of seeing you like this,” he finally whispered.
“You think of me?” Andrea looked up disbelievingly. “Like this?”
Daniel smiled out of the corner of his mouth and dropped his gaze down to meet hers. “More than an honorable man would care to admit,” he said hoarsely.
Andrea’s cheeks grew warm at the attention, and she was suddenly breathless and warm and confused.
Daniel’s gaze drifted back to her hair, and again he ran his hand through its length, staring as if unable to grasp how a recurring dream had suddenly materialized into reality. Andrea saw him swallow hard, felt his hands move from her hair, to her neck, to her face.
“Andrea,” he whispered, just before his lips lowered to hers. He barely touched them at first, an action that appeared to be nothing more than a cordial impulse. But then he lingered in a long, sensual, affectionate kiss that implied much more than simple friendship.
Andrea pulled back, her eyes wide. “Dan,” she said, her fingers clutching his arms. “You move too fast.”
“My apologies,” he whispered, his chest rising and falling heavily against hers, his arms refusing to relinquish their hold. “As you said, time is so fleeting these days. It is that which dictates my pace.”
Andrea relaxed into him, sensing his urgency and feeling helpless to resist. “But I—”
“My dear Andrea. I will try to go slow,” Daniel whispered, his arms wrapped around her protectively. “But you must know I…adore you.”
He seemed on the verge of saying a far stronger word, but successfully suppressed the urge.
I am unfamiliar with this,” Andrea said, confused at her own emotions, hoping he would understand that men had been nothing but comrades to joke with, fellow soldiers to be ridiculed by, or officers to take orders from. Then her thoughts drifted to her father, the only other figurehead in her life.
“I know this is sudden and unforeseen.” Daniel tightened his grip around her as if reading her mind. “But I want to protect you, and stand ready to take every possible burden off your shoulders. You will let me try, won’t you?”
“I never had anyone wish to take care of me.” She gripped his coat, her heart racing. “I don’t know how—”
“Do not fear,” Daniel whispered, his hand moving to the small of her back. “I will teach you.” He held her gently but firmly, like he was calming a frightened horse.
Andrea tried to keep the distrust from showing, but memories of her childhood came crashing back again. “It’s just that…if you knew more about me, you would perhaps care less.”
He pulled away and cupped her face in his hands. “I know we have met only recently and see each other rarely, but I do wish to know you Andrea…every part of you. And darling I will never care less.” He placed her hand over his heart. “Can you feel my desire for you?”
Andrea gazed at her hand as she felt the rapid pulse there, and then up into his eyes. “Yes. And it frightens me.”
“Now we are getting somewhere.” He laughed, a gentle, rolling laugh, and pulled her to him again. “I was unaware you felt fear.”
“I don’t know what I feel anymore,” Andrea said, her voice cracking with despair.
“I know you would not have traveled all this way, risked so much, if you did not care for me,” he said. “If you cannot trust me, trust your own heart, Andrea. Don’t fight it. I will attempt to win your heart and your trust.”
Andrea leaned into him. “I can’t promise anything, except that I will try.”
“Your being here is like a dream come true,” he said, stroking her hair. “It will sustain me for what is to come.”
Andrea pushed herself back at his words. “Promise me you won’t take any risks, Daniel! This battle. You must not—”
He put his finger to her lips to stop her. “We will take Fredericksburg, and then we will go to Richmond. And I will personally carry you away from there, and all this madness will end.”
Andrea put her head against his chest again. “My knight. I will wait for you there.” She sighed deeply then, thinking of the distance between them. “We will be but fifty miles apart. Yet, it will seem we are separated by eternity.”
“Here.” Daniel pulled a ring from his finger. “Take this. My grandfather gave it to me when I was a boy. It means much to me. And it would mean even more if you wore it.”
“No.” Andrea examined the ring before handing it back. “I cannot accept such a gift. It belongs in your family.”
“I trust that you will value it on that account,” he said, his eyes sparkling. “And perhaps, someday, we can arrange to have it stay there. Please.” He opened her hand
. “It would give me pleasure to know you had something of mine to look at each day, something that is only shared between you and me, so that you understand there is no one else.”
He slid the ring onto her finger.
“But I don’t know what I’m promising with this.” Andrea’s voice shook. “I don’t know if I can—”
“All you are promising is that you will think of me when you look at it.”
Andrea took a deep breath. “That I can do.” She gazed up at him. “And I will value it dearly.”
“It’s a part of me.” Daniel’s voice was low, his eyes soft and solemn.
“Then I will feel like you are with me always,” Andrea said. “I will never remove it, no matter what. It is a part of me now.”
“This is better than running, isn’t it?” he whispered in her ear.
Andrea sighed. “You will have to be patient with me, Dan. You can’t rush me.”
“My darling, Andrea,” he said, squeezing her tightly. “I will do anything for you. I will submit to any conditions you desire, for as long as you will allow me to.”
Andrea exhaled and laid her head against his heart. The wool of his coat rubbed harshly against her face, yet she felt so comfortable there within his embrace. In the circle of his arms, she was the most fulfilled and satisfied she had ever been in her life.
For a moment, she thought how easy it would be to stay, to try to become the woman he wished her to be…forget the past. And then she pulled away, panicked at the idea that she would renounce everything she’d been fighting for, simply for this feeling of utter contentment.
“We have that report to write,” she said, a hint of desperation in her voice. “And important details to discuss.”
Daniel stared at her a moment, bitter disappointment—and fear—evident in his eyes. “Of course,” he said unable to keep the distress from his voice, though he made an obvious effort to sound agreeable. “As you wish. Follow me.”
Chapter 39
War requires sacrifice and men are ready to pay it in their blood.
– Colonel Thomas S. Garnett to his wife, Emma
Fredericksburg, Virginia
December 15, 1862
Andrea stared straight ahead as the carriage wheels rattled beneath her, clutching the message that had arrived hours earlier.
“Brother wounded,” was all it said. It did not say “come,” yet she knew what it meant. Brother was the code name for Daniel. And they would not have taken the trouble to send the message if it was not serious.
She knew Daniel would be angry that she was making the journey through the lines again, but something deep inside told her to come. The battle Daniel had predicted had occurred and the outcome had been crushing. She’d been shocked to hear of the losses and frantic when she’d been notified that he was among the wounded. The effort to secure another pass had not been an easy one, but once her mind was set on her course, nothing was going to stop her.
As she nervously played with the ring on her gloved finger, Andrea thought back to her last meeting with Daniel a few weeks earlier. The visit had been so hurried, she’d never had the chance to question him about the large ‘H’ engraved in the ring’s center, or the intricate lettering of the phrase: Honor Above All Things.
She longed to ask him about his grandfather, about his family, and his life. She knew so little about Colonel Daniel Delaney, and he so little of her. She yearned to learn about his past—and, perhaps, in time, share a little of hers.
Shifting her gaze to the window, Andrea shivered at the sights. All along the road walked bandaged and bloodied men with the litter of war strewn beyond them. According to soldiers they had passed, a hospital just ahead held the worst of the injured. Andrea found herself holding her breath, willing the horses to go faster and praying she would find Daniel safe.
After what seemed like hours, the carriage rolled to a stop. Andrea opened the door and stepped out before the driver had time to assist, and lifted her gaze to the building in front of her.
“This is the hospital, miss. Will there be anything else?”
Andrea heard the words but could not answer. She stared at the brick house, unblinking and unmoving, then placed her hand on the carriage wheel to steady herself as the past collided with the present.
The brightly lit mansion where she had spent a few hours of serenity with Daniel now stood ruined and ravaged by war. Everything was changed, including the lawn that now stretched before her as a vast swampland of muck. Andrea turned her head away, toward the river, but the wreckage was no less devastating in that direction. Scattered everywhere in her sight, seemingly unaware of the chaos and mayhem around them, laid men indistinguishable from the dead.
Andrea choked back the bile rising in her throat and began to slog through the mud to the house. She had never heard such noises as assailed her, emanating in waves from the barns, sheds, outbuildings and wagons. Men, wounded in every sort of way, lay suffering in the stable yard, under trees, beside fences, and every place where there was a chance to lay or sit a man.
Rushing to the house, Andrea stopped in stunned horror at the doorway of the once immaculate home. Blood spattered the walls and floor, and the injured and dying lay sprawled in every available space, many of them shivering convulsively with the pain of their wounds. Andrea heard the surgeons at work in the back of the house, shouting above the din of delirious cries that made her bones ache with revulsion.
Lifting her muddy skirts, she stepped through the foyer and frantically studied the faces of the men at her feet. None appeared to be Daniel, though many were so covered in blood and mire that it was almost impossible to tell. As she turned into a room off the hallway, a whimper of anguish escaped her. Lying on a door placed upon four bricks, she recognized the uniform of an officer.
Andrea dropped to her knees beside him and took his hand in hers. “Daniel, are you awake?” She wiped the sweat from his brow with her glove, causing his eyes to flutter open. When they closed with no response, Andrea feared he did not recognize her.
“Am I…in heaven?” he asked weakly.
Andrea thought she saw a hint of a smile on his lips, but dismissed it as her imagination. “No, you’re not in heaven.” She glanced up at the corner of hell she sat in, then bent down close to his face and stroked his forehead.
“You’re not…an angel?” This time Andrea knew he was trying to smile.
“Not according to the rebels.” Andrea took both his hands in hers and squeezed them gently.
Daniel remained quiet for a breathlessly long time, but Andrea knew he was only mustering the strength to speak.
“You have…come…to me,” he murmured, as if to convince himself she was real.
“Dan, of course I came.” Andrea’s heart picked up its pace at how pale and despondent he looked. “I came as soon as I received word. I’ll stay and nurse you until you are completely healed.”
His eyes quivered and then opened, but only for a moment. “I believe…too late…for that.”
Andrea’s gaze shifted down to the blanket lying across him, to the large red splotch near his stomach. She bravely looked back up to his eyes.
“Don’t be silly,” she said, stroking his forehead. “I will nurse you until you are completely healed. You will see.”
“Surgeon said…nothing he…can do.”
Andrea looked at his strained face and blinked at his words, refusing to believe they were true. Yet she felt her blood begin to throb with a faster cadence through her veins as the reality of what he said sank in.
“No, Daniel, don’t say that. He doesn’t know. Like I said, I will stay—”
“We made a good team,” he said, interrupting her. “I hoped someday…”
“We make a good team.” Andrea cut in, her voice now pleading. “Surely your hopes are no different than mine.”
Daniel opened his eyes and gazed into hers as if trying to read the sincerity of her words. “No one. . .promised tomorrow.” His speech wa
s now slurred and barely audible over shouts outside of a soldier coming in under a flag of truce.
“Right this way.” Andrea heard an officer bark the command outside the window.
“I wanted to…protect you,” Daniel whispered.
“I will let you protect me.” Andrea felt a tightening in her stomach as panic began to grow. “I will stay. I will do whatever you ask, Dan. Just please, don’t leave!”
“You must stop…Andrea.” He spoke with his eyes closed, yet there was urgency in his voice. “Please. Say you will…for me.”
Andrea leaned down close to make sure she had heard him. “Dan, I will do whatever you wish.” She tried to keep her voice calm, though her heart broke at the sight of him. “But please don’t ask that of me now. Not like this.”
A shadow fell across them as someone entered the room, blocking the only light coming in. Glancing briefly over her shoulder at the intrusion, Andrea turned her head back for a second look. Captain Alexander Hunter stood in the doorway, a slouch hat pulled down low over his face, the uniform of a Confederate private stretched across his broad frame.
Andrea’s mind was too confused to wonder why he was here, her heart too numb to care. She watched a similar look of surprise flash across his eyes when he recognized her, but it was quickly replaced by concern for the man lying before her.
“How is he?” He kneeled on the other side of Daniel.
Daniel opened his eyes. “Alex?”
“Yes, Dan, I’m here.” Hunter bent down close.
“You shouldn’t…have come.” Daniel coughed and winced. “Too…dangerous.”
Andrea could not help but agree. She surmised Hunter had not used his real name to cross the lines, because no Union officer would consent to letting him back out if he had—not even under a flag of truce.
Duty Bound (Shades of Gray Civil War Serial Trilogy Book 1) Page 18