by Kasey Krane
“I’m Brendan, and it’s nice to meet you, Davey,” I replied. I could feel my forehead breaking into a sweat already.
He waved at me, smiling from ear to ear now.
“Goodnight, Brendan,” he said, and I had to admit I loved the way he said my name. It was adorable.
Eleven
Rosalie
When I woke up the next morning I realized I’d spent the night in Davey’s room. His bed was too tiny for the both of us so I’d ended up sleeping on the floor. I woke up groggily and checked my watch. We were going to be late.
I jumped up and went to the kitchen to get breakfast going. Then I went in to wake him up.
He looked so peaceful and sweet as he slept that I was almost tempted to let him sleep a while longer. I wished I could take liberties like that. But if he stayed home from kindergarten that day, I would have to take off from work and that would mean a serious loss of income which we couldn’t afford.
I gently stroked Davey’s hair until he fluttered his eyelids open.
“Mommy?” he murmured. I pulled him up in my arms and kissed his face.
“Hi, honey. Good morning. We’re going to be late so we have to hurry, okay?”
He nodded his head quietly as I took him to the bathroom. We stood at the basin together as we brushed our teeth and washed our faces. When he splashed some water at me, I splashed some back at him. That sent him scurrying and giggling out of the bathroom.
I helped him change and then I changed too.
We sat together at the kitchen table to eat our eggs and toast. Davey seemed to have forgotten all about the previous night. He didn’t ask me any questions about Brendan and didn’t seem to remember his nightmare either.
I wanted it to stay that way.
I never slept around—as a rule. I had made this decision a long time ago, around the time that Davey was born. I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes my mother did. I didn’t want to confuse Davey by introducing men into his life…only to have them walk out of his life again.
I had grown up feeling abandoned by my father, and then feeling miserable and unloved by the men my mother chose to have relationships with. Even though I’d forgiven my mother for the mistakes she made, I knew I would never forgive myself if I made the same ones around Davey.
Brendan was the first man my son had seen in our apartment, and I didn’t want that to happen again.
I regretted everything.
I shouldn’t even have let him into the apartment. And then I lost control and…and got intimate with him! What if Davey had woken up ten minutes sooner? I shuddered at the thought of that.
When Brendan saw a kid in my apartment, he left pretty quickly. It was all the convincing he needed to leave me alone. Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe Davey waking up was exactly what I needed to rid myself of Brendan Doherty’s magic spell.
I dropped Davey off and watched him hopping away with his friends. He looked happy and content, throwing excited looks over his shoulder at me and waving. I waved back, waiting until the last moment to leave—after he was safely inside the building.
I missed him already. I missed him all the time when we were apart. I wished every day that we would get more time together. That I wouldn’t have to spend so much time away from him. But I had no other choice.
And now I was doubly convinced that I wasn’t going to waste the little free time I did have—on Brendan or any other man. There was no space for anyone else in my life.
I made my way in the direction of the diner. It wasn’t too far from Davey’s kindergarten and I was going to walk there to save some money.
My head was filled with thoughts—of confusion, guilt and anger.
I still couldn’t believe Brendan had shown up at my apartment. I didn’t know if I would ever forgive Rocky for giving him my address. Even worse was the fact that I had been too weak to resist him. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I had thrown myself at him, with the excuse that I was giving him what he wanted to make him go away.
That was a lie. I wanted it as much as he did. Maybe even more than him. As much as I wanted him to disappear from my life, I couldn’t get enough of him.
Because I was so muddled with thoughts, I hadn’t noticed the man following me until I was halfway to the diner.
I suddenly became aware of his presence when I turned a corner sharply and he pushed through the crowd on the sidewalk to keep up with me. I turned to look and caught him staring directly at me. He ducked away sheepishly but I was sure he’d been watching me. Following me.
A shiver ran down my spine.
Seriously?
Was Brendan Doherty going to go so far as to send some guy to follow me around?
I had never actually found out what he did for a living…or what his family had been involved in. Petra didn’t know enough to fill me in and I had been so desperate to forget about him after that night at the house party— that I never dug around. But the impression I got was that the Dohertys were involved in shady business that I was better off not knowing about.
It was a major part of his attraction and star-like quality. Girls wanted him because he was a real-life ultimate bad boy.
I didn’t think he would actually be capable of this…even after what happened the previous night. He was having me followed!
I continued on my way to the diner, looking over my shoulder from time to time to make sure I wasn’t still being followed. Even though I didn’t see the guy again, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was being watched.
I walked into the diner hyperaware of my surroundings. New York was New York. Busy, loud and full of unfriendly people. It was the only home I knew. And being born and raised in this city, I was also aware of the fact that the man I thought was following me could have just been some weirdo who wanted a closer look at me. New York was full of strangers and strange people.
I tried to take my mind off it when I went to work. I would have to get through the next six hours smiling and being polite. At this job too—the best way for me to make some extra cash in tips was by following the motto that the customer was always right.
I didn’t look forward to the rest of my day.
Jim, my boss at the diner, stopped me in the staff room at the back. I’d just changed into the sickly-yellow uniform all the waitresses were required to wear. I was worried he would tell me off for being late again.
I just couldn’t catch a break these days. I always ran late.
“I wanted to talk to you, Rosalie, do you have a minute?” he asked.
At least Jim wasn’t as big a dick as Rocky, so I could breathe a little easier.
“If this is about the time, I’m sorry Jim. I had to drop my kid off and we just had a late start this morning…” I was already talking too fast and he raised a hand to stop me from going on.
“Yeah, whatever, it’s fine. Just try and make it on time. No, this is about something else,” he said.
I stared at him, worried. It didn’t sound like he was going to deliver good news.
“We’re cutting your hours, Rosalie,” he said.
“Excuse me?”
“You know the business has taken a hit. We’re just not being able to keep up with all the hipster burger joints cropping up around here. We’re not sure how long we can keep ourselves afloat. We need to make some serious changes around here. I’m sure you understand, huh?” He looked genuinely disturbed and I didn’t have the heart to rant at him.
Besides, it wasn’t like I’d be able to change his mind. It wasn’t in his hands.
My throat had gone dry. Less hours meant significantly less pay, which meant I didn’t know how I was going to pay all our bills the next month.
I gulped and nodded, somehow finding my voice to respond to him.
“Don’t worry about it, Jim. I do understand,” I said, walking away.
I tried my best to keep my hands from shaking. Not too long ago, I had such big dreams. How had my life come to this now?
/> Twelve
Brendan
I had been sleeping but I woke up in bed with a start.. When I sat up, almost teetering on the edge of the bed, I realized I was covered in sweat. My sheets were soaked. I must have been seeing things, my mind was still racing. I couldn’t find a reasonable thread in my thoughts that made sense.
I made myself get off the bed and go to the bathroom. After I’d shaved and brushed my teeth and repeatedly splashed my face with water—I realized it hadn’t made a difference. So I decided to take a shower, even though I had one late the previous night. After I got back from Rosalie’s place.
In the shower, once the steaming hot water had finally calmed me a little, I realized I was still thinking about the kid. Rosalie’s kid. Davey.
There was something about him that made me feel like I knew him from somewhere, just like I thought I knew his mother too. Like I’d met Davey before—maybe in a different life.
There was no way I’d seen that kid before. I wasn’t exactly surrounded by kids in my everyday life. I would have remembered meeting him if it actually happened.
It felt like I was living in some kind of dream. A dream in which I knew Davey, got along with him. Where he even liked me.
What the actual fuck?
I stood very still in the shower, soaking in the stinging feeling of the hot water that scalded my skin.
I saw flashes of witnessing Rosalie’s apartment again. How small it was. The bills on her coffee table. How tired she looked. She wouldn’t have admitted it to me because she was a proud girl. But she was struggling.
And I wanted to help.
Why?
I had nothing to do with her.
She had no role or importance in my life.
Yet, especially now that I had seen and met her son—I was even more interested in helping her. Helping them. Keeping them safe.
I couldn’t get his eyes out of my thoughts. Davey’s big green eyes. They were so much like his mother’s. He looked so innocent and sleepy when he walked out of his room, dazed. He was surprised to see me but he trusted his mother. He wasn’t suspicious of me because his mother was there.
Kids were…they were everything.
And they were strange too.
Why was I softening to this kid I didn’t know? This kid I would probably never see again. Was it because of his mother? Because I was interested in Rosalie? Why was I interested in her?
I turned off the shower. This was eating away at me.
I had duties. Responsibilities. A war to fight. Getting involved with Rosalie and her problems were a liability I couldn’t afford.
I thought it would have been over by now. Now that I’d blown my load.
But it felt like it was only just beginning.
Tristian was at my door, bright and early in the morning. Just minutes after I’d managed to drag myself out of the shower.
“I come bearing gifts,” he declared. Coffee and donuts. Yeah, they’d do the job.
“What are you doing here so early?” I asked, grabbing the donuts out of his hands.
“I want to know how it went with the girl from the bar. You went to find her last night, right?”
I avoided his eyes. I didn’t want to have to answer his questions. More importantly, I didn’t want to have to tell him about the kid. It was embarrassing that I still thought about him.
I shrugged.
“Yeah, I found her. It was fine. I’m over it,” I replied.
Tristian stared at me with a bemused expression. His brows were furrowed in confusion. He must have expected me to beat a drum and tell him all about my latest conquest, but he wasn’t going to get that from me.
After I’d avoided him long enough, he followed me to the kitchen and sat down at the table.
“Anyway, the big news is that Aidan and Leah are going to go see their kid today,” he said.
It was like the universe was conspiring against me. Did it have to be today? For this fuckin’ conversation?
“Okay, good for them I guess,” I grumbled, stirring cream into my coffee cup.
“Yeah man, it’s huge for them. You should have seen Aidan last night. It was like he was hopped up on a sugar high. He still can’t believe he’s a dad. That he’s actually going to get to meet his son.”
“But Leah gave the kid up. How is this even happening?”
“She gave him up because she didn’t think she’d be able to look after him and give him the life he deserved. She was brainwashed by her family into believing it. She regrets it, man. There’s nothing she loves more than that kid.” Tristian spoke excitedly and I just couldn’t match his sentiment. He didn’t seem to notice.
“I hope we get to meet him some day. The kid. Our nephew. We are uncles! Do you believe that? It’s fuckin’ crazy. Leah said she remembers him looking just like Aidan when he was born. A Doherty with green eyes,” Tristian continued.
I drank my coffee, trying to cover my face with the cup.
Tristian tried to catch my eye.
“You okay there? You’re drinking that thing like you need a punch in the gut.”
“Yeah, maybe I do,” I groaned.
“What the fuck is going on with you? I thought it was just the girl and not being able to bang her. You did that last night, right? What’s eating you now?”
My mouth tasted bitter from the coffee and I chucked the paper cup into the sink.
“I just don’t get why Aidan has to go ruin it for himself by bringing a kid into the picture. Isn’t his life fine the way it is now?”
I spoke harshly. Even I heard it in my own voice. Tristian heard it too and he put down his coffee cup.
“You have a problem with Aidan’s kid?” he asked, and it sounded more like an accusation.
“I don’t have a fuckin’ problem with his kid,” I snapped, walking away. Tristian followed me out of the kitchen.
“What is your problem then?”
“I’m just making an observation.”
“So you’re saying our brother would be better off staying out of his lost son’s life?”
“A son who hasn’t known of his existence all this while. Yeah.”
“You don’t think either of them would have anything to add to each other’s lives?” Tristian continued.
He followed me around the house while I put on my jacket and then walked in circles—because I didn’t actually have a purpose.
“That is not what I said.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“Nothing. I’m saying nothing. I have nothing to say!” I shouted in frustration.
Tristian narrowed his eyes at me.
“This is about the thing, isn’t it?”
“What thing? Whatever. No. This isn’t about anything.”
Tristian grabbed my shoulder and tried to shake me like he was trying to get me to confess. I yanked myself away from him. I knew what he was trying to get at.
“What the fuck?” I growled.
“Just admit it. You’re still not over it. No matter what fuckin’ happens or how much time passes, you’re not going to get over it,” he said.
“We have to leave. Dad’s expecting to see us in his office soon,” I said.
I tried to brush past him to the front door, but Tristian caught my arm again.
“I’m talking to you!” he shouted.
“And I’m telling you to drop it!” I shouted back. “Get your hands off me.”
He did that because he knew I’d throw him off me if I had to. It wasn’t worth a fight. Not a physical one anyway.
“When are you going to forgive yourself, Brendan?” he asked as I went up to the door.
“You want to stay here or are you coming with me?” I asked.
“You’re going to spend the rest of your life avoiding every child in the world and living in guilt because of something that happened when you were a kid yourself. When none of it was your fault. It was not your responsibility!”
I didn’t want to hear an
y more so I walked out of the door.
Why couldn’t he just leave it in the past? Why was he bringing it up now?
“Just talk about it, Brendan. For fuck’s sake. If you don’t want to talk about it with me—I get it. But just tell someone else. You need to get it off your chest.”
I stopped and turned to face my brother. I could feel the heat rising up my neck and forming a pool on my forehead. It felt like my head was going to burst.
“I don’t ever want to talk about it with anyone. Ever. So shut the fuck up or get out,” I growled.
Thirteen
Rosalie
It seemed like everything was going wrong. First it was Brendan making a sudden appearance in my life, next it was that creepy guy seemingly following me to work…and then, Jim telling me that my hours were going to be cut.
I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve any of this. It felt like the whole universe was ganging up against me and I didn’t know why. What would I have to do to make it right again?
I had a late night shift at the bar again and I wasn’t looking forward to having to interact with Rocky. I was sure he looked forward to giving me an earful for all the ways I’d disappointed him.
Nina had called at the last minute to say that she couldn’t make it that night, so I had to drop Davey off at my mom’s first. At least I knew he would be happier being around family, even though I couldn’t be with him myself.
Rocky rolled his eyes when I walked into the bar.
“I wasn’t sure if you would be gracing us with your presence,” he snarled when I joined him behind the counter.
“What are you talking about? It’s not like I’ve quit. I still need this job,” I replied.
He snickered at me like I tried to be funny.
“Well, you’re not acting like you need this job.”
“You’re the one who is handing my address out like candy to anyone who asks. That’s a violation of my privacy. You could be putting my life in danger!” I snapped.