by Leela Ash
“But…”
“No ‘buts’. You think you’re the only one who’s made mistakes? For most people, it doesn’t matter. They leave the oven running and burn dinner. They drop a jar of mayo and it shatters on the floor. No big deal. But for people like us, our mistakes don’t just leave a mess on the kitchen floor. People get hurt. People die. All we can do is learn from our error, mourn our losses, make whatever amends we can… then move on. You can’t let this destroy you too. Otherwise, Charity’s death will kill two people, not one.”
Could he do that? Walk away from the past? Embrace a future?
For five years, that seemed impossible. Now, gazing down at Tess’ upturned face, at her trust and love… he hesitated.
She saw that, and pushed her advantage. “Think of Ethan. Even if you don’t believe you deserve happiness, you know he deserves a happy father.”
That stung a little. He was a good father, even without joy in his life.
No, not quite true. He was a dutiful father. He took good care of his son, saw to all his needs. Yet he remembered days (too many days) where Ethan had needed to drag him out of some dark funk with jokes and play. No child should be put in charge of their parent’s happiness. It was his job to make Ethan happy, not the other way around.
He loved his boy, would die for him – but could he be happy for his son? Could he let go of his shame and guilt and give Ethan the childhood he deserved?
As he meditated on that, Tess remained beside him. A gentle, faithful reminder that someone loved him, despite his flaws.
“I’m not sure I can say I ‘deserve’ happiness,” she said, her hug growing firmer. “Since I don’t know what-all I’ve done wrong. But I’d sure as hell like to have a happy Mate. ‘Happily ever after’ sounds good to me.”
“You still want me? Even after hearing what I did to Charity?”
“Yeah.” Her smile softened and grew lopsided. “I think you’re right. We’re two halves of one supremely messed up soul.”
Like ice melting in a spring thaw, the pain in his heart faded, washed away by the touch of her love. For the first time in years, he dared to dream that the future could hold joy for him.
“I think you’re getting the worst half of the bargain,” he teased.
“Ahem. Remember that my ex is a lying drug dealer who runs with the Fangs of Apophis.”
“Point taken. You probably do have some stories buried in those rocks.”
They both laughed at that. Then Darian stopped fighting the urge that had eaten at him all evening: he leaned down and kissed her.
Soft, yielding, she rose to meet him, offering her mouth, her self. His hand stroked her back, marveling at the way the slick leather gave a hardness to her feminine curves. She pressed closer, rousing desire that stirred his manhood.
Reluctantly, though, she pulled back, leaving a gentle ache in his heart. “You probably don’t have any privacy in your cabin.”
“Nope,” he admitted. “Ethan hears everything.”
“My place is empty…”
A smile crept onto his lips. “I can’t even imagine what would happen if two of us tried to lie on that lawn chair of yours.” She laughed, and shook her head, before he added the more somber warning. “And with the Fangs of Apophis watching us, I can’t leave my son alone.”
“Yeah. You’re right. Dammit,” she grumbled.
He kissed her again. More gently, lingering. “There’ll be another time.”
In the future.
Because now, once again, he felt like he had a future worth looking forward to.
Because of her.
Chapter 10
Of course, Tess slept in. Because what better way to avoid unpleasant chores than to steal a few more ZZZs, right? No one could complain about that. It’s not like you deliberately shirked your duties…
Unfortunately, no one bothered to tell that to Darian’s young son. After she spent a night tossing and turning on her lawn chair (an object she would not miss), a soft knock awakened her in the dim, quiet hours before dawn.
“Hullo?” she muttered, pushing her bangs out of her eyes.
“Hi, Miss Tess! I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Ethan. Cute kid. Not so cute before the sun rose. “Uh, what time is it?”
“It’s almost five! Dad said you’d be up by five and we needed to be ready to go at six. But your light wasn’t on, so I came over to make sure you were okay.”
“Mmm.” That kind of had been the plan.
“Are you okay?” Clearly, today was as exciting as Christmas to the boy, and he wasn’t letting any lazy adult delay the festivities. Tess guessed he didn’t like this no-friend, no-tv camp very much.
“Yup. I’m okay.” She began to scour the boxes around her lawn chair, looking for clean clothes. “Your dad making breakfast?”
“Yes! Eggs! And waffles!” Every sentence exuded excitement. Oh, to be a child again!
“Tell you what. I’ll be right over. Why don’t you ask your dad to throw on another couple eggs for me? I’ll be right over.”
“Sure thing!”
And with that, he tore off. She heard the faint patter of small feet retreating up the road.
Leaving her with two problems. What was she going to wear?
And could she do this?
Breakfast was a one boy show.
Tess nursed a cup of black coffee and nibbled at her eggs. Darian watched her over his own mug. Strangely, he didn’t seem any more hungry than she. Ethan, however, made up for both of them. He chattered continually about how much he wanted to see his friends again, and how heavy his new toys were (because not one of them was getting abandoned here in the woods – not if he had anything to say about it!).
Later, the two of them cleaned up one last time as Ethan raced around the camp several times ‘checking’ for lost toys.
Tess found herself staring blankly out the dusty window until a soft touch on her elbow drew her back from that endless brooding.
“Are you okay?” Darian studied her face.
“Sure, I…”
The words from her dream came back to haunt her. No Claim without Truth. Was that just for the Rite of Claiming? Somehow, she doubted it. Being a Dragon’s Mate meant no more lies. Even white ones.
“Um, well, no,” she corrected herself.
Darian slid closer to her and slipped an arm around her waist. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Just that simple act of kindness made her heart ache. How long had it been since someone truly cared about her? Had she ever been loved? “I don’t know that there’s anything to talk about. I need to get my memories back if I’m going to remember the path out. And…”
“And the few memories you need are probably buried under years of mistakes, and betrayals, and sadness.” She pressed her cheek against his shoulder and nodded. “Trust me.” He stroked her hair. “I understand. If I could have dumped my Dragon under a rock, I probably would have done it.”
“I’m just scared,” she admitted.
“Of the pain?”
“Yeah. And of the guilt. I’m pretty sure I’ve done horrible things.”
“Just remember: you’re my Mate. Whatever you’ve done, I’ll forgive you.”
A sweet thing to say – but she couldn’t believe that sort of open promise. Love was a lot more fragile than people thought. At least, in her experience. What if she turned up something so foul, so disgusting, that…
“Hey.” Darian shook her gently, once more fending off her depressing thoughts. “I’m serious. You’re not the only one with issues. Remember that. I can forgive you because I’ve screwed up myself.”
“Yeah, but your mistake was an accident.”
“A lethal one. Though I’ve done other things that shame me. Remember this: if I was myself, you wouldn’t need to recall your Shed memories. I could transform into my Dragon form and fly us all out of here. The Fangs of Apophis wouldn’t have a prayer of following us.”
The thought did stir a petty, sullen urge deep inside her. Why couldn’t she dump this on him? Why did she have to clean up this mess?
“Don’t suppose there’s any chance of that?” she asked, carefully keeping her longing out of her voice. Last thing she wanted to do was to beg him to save her – from herself!
He shook his head, as she expected. “The bars on that tattoo silence my Dragon. I can’t call upon it. And, well, it can’t harm itself.”
“Why would it do that?”
“Shame.” To her disappointment, Darian dropped the embrace and stepped away. “My Alpha… the leader of my Flight… gave me an order. When I refused to fulfill my duty, it drove my Dragon mad. I had to get a Witch Hare to silence it. I… couldn’t stand it.”
So Witch Hares actually did magic? Tess thought of that poor, drugged woman in the bar and quickly decided that there was no way she would entrust that addict with something as important as Darian’s link to his Dragon.
Which meant this task fell to her. She needed to get them out.
With a bang, Ethan charged into the cabin. “Got all the toys!” he announced. “Are we ready? I’m ready,” he added – in case anyone had any doubt.
“Ethan…” his father grumbled.
What the hell. No time like the present, right? “Yeah, we’re ready.”
“Yay! Let’s go!”
“Ethan.” The grumble deepened to a growl. “Be patient.”
“First, I need to find the way out, okay?” Tess kept a bright, fake smile on her face as she spoke to the boy. “Why don’t you wait here with your toys until I get back, all right?”
From the way his face fell, clearly it was not all right. Somebody really, clearly, very much did not want to stay here one moment longer than necessary. But Ethan was, at heart, a good boy. One glance at her (and at his father’s stern look) and he sat down with a tired, long-suffering sigh. “Okay.”
She started to assure him that this wouldn’t take long. But, honestly, she had no idea how long undoing a ‘Shed’ took. Better not to make promises she might not be able to keep.
Queasy, heart pounding, she stepped to the door. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Before she could say a word, Darian stepped to her side. “I’m coming with you.”
“You don’t have to. You probably want to stay with Ethan, don’t you?”
He did hesitate, glancing back at where his son was already beginning to unpack his toys. But he shook his head. “No. You need my help. He’ll be fine.”
“But…”
“Hey, Ethan! I’m going to help Miss Everlyn so we can get going faster. Will you be all right on your own for a little bit?”
“Yup. I’ll do my Legos.”
“And you’ll stay inside, right?”
“Mmmhmmm.” Dig, dig, dig. More Lego pieces came out of their hiding places in various pockets.
“Ethan? You hear me?”
Hearing the growl return, Ethan actually abandoned the quest for his Legos long enough to meet his dad’s gaze and nod somberly. “I promise. I won’t go out.”
“Good.” Tension lined Darian’s face. Tess stroked his jaw, knowing how hard it was for him to let the boy out of his sight, even for the briefest of times. Dragons – even ones with issues, it seemed – were intensely protective.
Darian smiled at her touch then opened the door for her. “Shall we?”
The path to the island was short and before she was ready, Tess stood amongst those twelve stones. The traces of her past lives.
“Is there a pattern to them?” Darian asked.
“Not sure. I think the ones on the left there are the oldest.” Despite the cold morning air, her palms grew damp and Tess wiped them against her leather pants.
Once more, her Mate was there, beside her. Ready to support her. “Remember. None of this matters.”
“What I’ve done doesn’t matter?” She gave him a dubious stare.
“These things? They’re who you were – not who you are.”
Trembling, she prodded a stone with the toe of her boot. “Is there a difference? Doesn’t what we do make us who we are?”
“What we do, yes. What we’ve done? No. Not if we change.”
“I wish I could believe you,” she whispered.
“I have to believe me,” he quipped back. “Otherwise, I’d just give up.”
She stood beside him, silent, letting that sink in. He was right. If the past was the future… she was doomed. Might as well go join Dick in some drug-filled pit of despair.
But if things could change… if she could change…
Tess stole a glance at the man who stood beside her. Strong – but flawed, like her. He might feel his failing’s weakened him, shamed him. What he couldn’t see was that they had also given him compassion. A gentle, sad understanding of how broken people could be. His Dragon had given him his protective, uncompromising strength of body. But his suffering gave him a strength of soul even he could not see.
She could see it, in his faith. That, as his Mate, she was worthy of love. That no matter how fallen they were, they could help each other stand. Somehow, despite all her failings, he saw something lovely in her. And her in him.
Maybe, at the end of the day, that’s what true love is. Seeing the beauty that no one else sees.
And if he could believe in her, maybe she could find the strength to do it too.
“Okay. Let’s do this!” One quick breath and she crouched to grab the nearest rock, the one that showed her doing the crazy motorcycle stunts.
“Wait.” Darian caught her before she could grab it. “Do you want to reclaim all of your memories?”
“Honestly? No. Hell, if I could just get ‘how do I walk out of here’ answered, I’d skip all the rest.” She liked the feel of his hand around her wrist. Warm, firm grasp… and delaying this nonsense for a few more precious seconds.
“Then why not start at the left? The ones you think are earliest?”
He was right. Why make this any harder than it had to be? The less she had to deal with, the saner she’d be if they ran into trouble.
“Good point.” Fairy princess and harper? That stone just flat-out scared her. The one next to it showed a couple standing amongst pine trees. “How about that one?”
Darian settled onto the ground, crossing his legs, then pulled her down beside him. “It’s as good a choice as any. Ready when you are.”
Right. Like she would ever be ready for this.
Tess raised a trembling hand and set it down on the cold stone.
At the first brush of her fingers, memories roared back into her mind.
Dick. His treachery, Shed into another stone but still an ache in her heart.
The woods. Still, serene, Pure – like the Other Side. A place to hide, a refuge to shelter in, a haven where she could try to recall, again, the delirious promise that had brought her soul to this world.
Love.
Not Dick’s selfish, indulgent, decadent lust. Love, true love.
Images came faster, blurred, surrounded by pain and forgotten tears.
John. John Paris, that was his name. He showed her the woods, as his Tribe had known them in the old days. Revealed their paths, their lore, their stories. With him, she had seen the first proof that the tales Shifters told were true. A power dwelled in this world, greater than any magic of the Other Side.
Love, it was called. John Paris whispered its name to her, in the stillness of a Maine summer eve.
Tess gasped as that feeling rushed back to her. But with it came a whirlwind of images, sharp and tearing.
He had shown her other things too. The power that drink wielded over people. How it twisted them, loosing rage and helpless anger. Drove them to commit evils that would make them weep the morning after.
Whiskey had humbled her. Amatessandra, Daughter of the Winter King of the Adanai, the Pure – even she could not save her man from whiskey’s lethal call. She had followed him down the dark river that dri
nk opened before them, and, together, they had shamed and befouled themselves.
Bile, hot and bitter, rose in her throat as she remembered begging outside a bar, desperate for a bottle to take home to John. The heart-rending despair she’d felt when he died, his body aged far beyond its years by alcohol’s ravages. Leaving her alone with her shame and her memories of him.
Which she’d Shed here, beside her time with Dick.
Dimly, she realized that she was sobbing and rocking on her heels. Darian pulled her close, wrapping her in the safety of his arms.
Sheltered beside him, she finally gave voice to her grief. Each sob, each tears, carried off one drop of the sorrow that filled her. Slowly, as her lover held her, they wore away the wall she’d built around her heart. Until, at last, she fell silent, leaning against her Mate.
“I have them,” she said at last. “The trails. I remember them.”
“Good.” Darian kissed her cheek. “Glad you got them on the first try. That was… pretty intense.”
“Yeah.” Numb now, she let him hold her. Yet that embrace, so warm, so loving, left her cold.
Her old grief had eased – but a new one had taken its place.
Because she hadn’t Shed all of her old life when she dumped her memories of Dick. With John Paris, she still recalled who she’d been on the Other Side.
Amatessandra, Princess of the Winter Court.
A daughter of Dragon slayers.
Child of the Queen who vowed to close the Wellsprings.
Someone who had no right to Claim a Dragon.
Chapter 11
On numb feet, Tess led them to the old Indian trails. Darian carried most of their belongings on his broad back, while Ethan scurried around them like an overwrought squirrel. The tiniest of marks caught Tess’ eye. A faint track, worn by generations of feet. A tiny notch in a tree, a pile of rocks. All signs of the path to Echo Lake.