“But we can make this work, Kenzie.”
She exhaled. “I honestly don’t know how.”
“Why don’t you at least stay here with me tonight? It’s late and I don’t like the idea of you driving such a long way in the dark. Stay,” he pleaded. “Let’s share one night together. Maybe it will make you change your mind.”
She knew what he was offering but she couldn’t say yes. She exhaled slowly. “I can’t. I have to keep going. They expect me in Dubbo tonight. I’ll be fine. I slept for a while when you drove.” She looked down at her watch. “It’s only another two hours. I should be there by midnight.”
She pushed open the car door and the inside light came on, illuminating his face, making him appear ghostly pale. Ignoring the voice in her head telling her to change her mind, she got out and walked around the front of the car.
Nathan met her there, catching her hands in his. “I’ll wait for you, Kenz,” he whispered. His words made her ache all over again. She hated knowing his heart was breaking as much as hers.
“Give my love to Kate and Joel,” she said in reply.
“Will you at least call me from the hospital when you get there? Let me know you arrived safely, and let me know how your dad is.”
“Okay.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you,” he begged. For a moment she nearly gave in.
“No. You need to go and be with Kate and Joel. I know how important family is to you. I have to fix things with my family. Like you said, it’s about time.”
“Will you be okay?”
“I have to be. I don’t have any other choice.”
Nathan seemed to be about to say something else but then clamped his mouth shut. His gaze flitted across her face from her eyes to her mouth and then, instead of speaking, he leaned across, cupped her neck with the back of his hand, and pulled her close. She wound her arms around his body and clung tightly to him. He pressed his hand to her spine and held her as though he never wanted to let her go. Her body melted into his the way it always did. His palm was soft on her neck and her handbag slid down off her shoulder and hit the ground with a thud. He pulled her even closer, and his breath brushed across her lips just before he kissed her. It was nothing like their usual kisses. This one was something totally different. It was a kiss full of longing and regret. He kissed her one last time and she knew exactly what it was. A kiss that said good-bye.
He pulled away slowly, keeping his eyes focused on her mouth, as though deciding whether to kiss her again. She locked eyes with him. She could kiss him again, but what was the point? One kiss would lead to another and then to what? They had already made it to the end of their journey together. Nathan would soon forget her, even though she would never forget him.
He closed his eyes then and Mackenzie used the time to stare at his face, committing it to memory. If this was the last time she ever saw him, she would be grateful for how special he had made her feel every day they’d been together.
His jaw muscles expanded and contracted as he clenched and unclenched his teeth. She knew she was the cause of his pain and frustration and for a moment she hated herself all over again. She pulled out of his embrace and climbed back in the car, re-adjusting the seat and mirrors to suit her shorter legs. Although it seemed wrong to walk away from him, she had no choice. It was time to get going.
“So I guess this is good-bye?” Nathan’s hands rested on the open window and she saw his eyes, shadowed with exhaustion. She imagined that new lines had formed around his mouth.
A sharp stabbing pain hit her temples and she rubbed at the pulse thudding away in her head. It was so loud she could hardly think.
“I guess so.”
“If you wake up tomorrow and change your mind, give me a call.”
He was certainly being tenacious, there was no denying that, but Mackenzie was more so. She pulled the seatbelt over her chest and turned the key in the ignition. A cold wind blew, sweeping over them and into the car, wafting her hair across her face. She shook her head, but one stray strand clung to her skin. Nathan reached into the car and gently tucked the lock behind her ear. His hand was warm and it lingered on her cheek. Mackenzie closed her eyes and pressed her face into his palm. She reached for his hand and her fingers encircled his wrist. Squeezing gently, his pulse bounded against her fingertips. Her throat knotted and a heaviness formed in her chest, crushing her all over again. Tears dripped down her cheeks and she didn’t brush them away, instead tasting them on her tongue, salty and warm.
“I love you, Kenz.”
He pulled away from the car and took a step back. Picking up his bag he flung it across his shoulder and walked slowly away, not even turning back to see her still sitting there in the unmoving vehicle. She wanted to beg God to make him run back to the car, tear open the door again and kiss her one last time. She wanted to hear him say those words again. But she was partly glad he didn’t turn around, because she didn’t want him to see the tears running down her face.
Nathan Kennedy was the most incredible man she had ever met and she honestly didn’t know what she’d done to deserve him. Nor why she was letting the man who had just said he loved her, walk out of her life forever.
*
As Mackenzie drove, tears streamed down her face. She traveled mindlessly for another two hours, the black road stretching out in front of her like a thick strap of licorice. The rain started again, more heavily now, turning the road in front of her into an ebony gloss and sending a cascade of water across her windshield. The rubber wipers scratched rainbow arcs across the glass, backward and forward in a mesmerizing continuity.
She passed cars heading the other way, their headlights her only connection to civilization. At this time of night, everyone else seemed to be fast asleep. She drove through small towns all shut up for the night – the only signs of life coming from the pale glow of streetlights as she slowed enough to drive through empty streets at the speed limit and then sped up again when she made it through to the other side of the town.
It was almost eleven thirty when she pulled up at the small motel in Dubbo. It was too late to go to the hospital now and she had sent a text to Cameron before leaving Birrangulla to say she would meet them there the following morning. Her father’s condition was stable, which Mackenzie supposed was a good thing at least. After retrieving the key from the small box at the front door, she drove to her room, parking her car directly out the front, rear-end in. She unloaded her two cases and closed the door to the little room behind her. The room smelled stale, but was otherwise neat and tidy. It was all she needed. She didn’t plan on staying there long.
Less than six hours later Mackenzie slowly became aware of her surroundings. Dawn began to push its way into the corners of the room between the narrow split in the curtains. She rubbed her eyes, feeling the grit from the mascara she hadn’t bothered to remove the previous night when she’d fallen into bed. What had woken her? She lay in the unfamiliar, uncomfortable bed, staring at the unmoving ceiling fan above her head. A thick layer of dust covered it. She heard a cry and then realized it was coming from the adjoining room. A small baby. Now she was fully awake she realized it was a hungry cry – that must have been what she had heard. When she’d first picked up the sound in her subconscious, she’d thought it was part of the dream she’d been having. A dream full of crying, of loss and of death.
Pushing all negative thoughts aside, Mackenzie got out of bed and padded across the carpet in her socks to check out the mini bar fridge, disappointed to find nothing except some soft drinks, chocolates and long-life milk. She was hungry – it was hours since she had last eaten and even then it had only been a greasy McDonald’s burger and fries en route to Birrangulla. A kettle stood on top of the fridge and beside it sat an assortment of mugs and sachets of Nescafe instant coffee and Lipton teabags. There was a packet of sweet biscuits and that was it.
She showered, dressed, and picked up her handbag. She would find somewhere open, grab
something to eat and head straight to the hospital. It might be good to go early, before her sisters arrived, and perhaps ingratiate herself with the morning nursing staff and find out how her father really was. The best way to assess the situation might be to play the nurse’s card and do so without her sisters looking over her shoulder.
First, she needed coffee.
Chapter 22
Mackenzie pulled into the hospital car park half an hour later, takeaway latte in hand. It was quarter past seven and there was a steady stream of tired-looking night duty nurses making their way out the front doors as she entered. She smiled politely and a few smiled in return. She took one more sip of the coffee before tossing it in the nearest rubbish bin. Apart from the fact it didn’t even taste very good, she probably looked like a pretentious city snob carrying her coffee with her – as though she didn’t have time to stop and drink it.
She made her way to the critical care unit without stopping to ask for directions – the signage was quite clear. There was no security and she walked into the small unit, smiling at the first nurse to greet her. The nurse was carrying a load of linen, but stopped and stared at Mackenzie, as though she was not used to seeing visitors at that time of the day. Mackenzie forgot she wasn’t in Sydney where they sometimes had family members in and out of the intensive care unit twenty-four hours a day.
“Hi, I’m sorry it’s so early. I’m Mackenzie Jones. My father is a patient here. William Jones. Bill. I’m an ICU nurse. I’ve just flown from Western Australia.” She stumbled over her words, aware she sounded like she was trying to justify why she was even there.
“Oh, you’re the other sister.” The nurse emphasized the word “other” ever so slightly as she peered through her glasses at Mackenzie. “You don’t look like them.”
Mackenzie smiled and shrugged. It was a comment she was used to hearing.
When Mackenzie didn’t answer, the nurse continued. “Your dad should be getting discharged today.”
Mackenzie raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Cameron had made it sound like her father was on his deathbed and now this nurse was talking about sending him home. Had this so-called “emergency” been a ruse to get Mackenzie to return home? She hoped not or she would be furious.
The nurse was still peering at her curiously. “You know he’s unlikely to make a full recovery, don’t you? He has total left-sided paralysis and will need lots of rehab to learn how to walk and talk again. So when I say discharge, I mean he’ll be discharged from the intensive care unit, but only to the ward, and then on to rehab.”
“He can’t talk?” Mackenzie asked. She hadn’t pictured that as part of the scenario.
The nurse shook her head sadly. “He’s still having a lot of trouble swallowing too. Once he’s in rehab the speech pathologist will be able to work on his swallowing and speech. He might improve, but you need to be aware he’s in for a very long recovery.”
“Where will he do rehab?” Mackenzie asked.
“There’s a private Catholic hospital here in town. I think your sisters want him to go there. He may be there for up to six weeks. And, of course, after that you will need to find a nursing home.”
Mackenzie’s heart sank.
“Are you back here to look after him?”
Mackenzie felt dread drop into her belly as the situation suddenly became clear. That’s why they wanted her to come home. Caring for their father was about to become her responsibility. She was, after all, the nurse in the family. And the only single daughter too with all her sisters married with husbands and children to care for. Thank goodness she’d made the right decision to break things off with Nathan. If she was tied to her father they would never be able to make a relationship work.
“I don’t know what the plan is yet,” she said, when it was obvious she was supposed to reply.
“Do you want to see him?”
“I guess so.” Mackenzie was aware she sounded unconvincing.
The nurse frowned. “You’re sure you don’t want to come later when your sisters get here? Cameron is usually here around nine. The others are in and out during the day.”
Mackenzie tucked a strand of hair behind one ear and sighed inwardly. Good old Cammi – of course she was already on first-name basis with all the nursing staff. Knowing her sister, Cameron probably had everyone wrapped around her little finger and naturally the nurses would love the others too. Mackenzie pulled herself up as tall as she could and pushed her negative attitude aside. Now wasn’t the time to have a go at her sisters. They were probably all dealing with the guilt of knowing their father had been on his own for hours after the stroke. Cameron probably blamed herself for that too.
“I’d like to see him now, if that’s not too much of a problem. I know it’s early and I don’t want to get in your way.”
“It’s fine,” the nurse said. “He’s not in the critical care end of the unit anyway. We moved him last night into the four-bed high dependency unit, and as I said, he should go to the ward soon. Hopefully later today.”
Mackenzie followed the nurse down the hallway, her nose wrinkling at the familiar unpleasant smells. No matter how much hospital-strength disinfectant was used, those smells could never be disguised. She had a flashback to the first time she’d walked into the hospital in Iron Ridge and smelled the overpowering smell of eucalyptus oil. The fragrance would forever be associated with her time there. Was it only two days since she’d left?
Like the hospital in Iron ridge, this facility was old and in need of a renovation. The patients she passed lying in their beds looked as worn out as the physical building. The nurse came to a sudden halt and Mackenzie almost crashed into her because she was so busy looking around her rather than where they were going. They stopped outside the four-bed HDU. Mackenzie could have been in any hospital in the country. Blue curtains hung from metal tracks suspended from the ceiling, sectioning off each bed. Overhead, bright white fluorescent lights cast an artificial glow in the room. Dirty windows, desperate for a clean, looked out over a near-empty car park.
The nurse pointed to the bed on the far left, closest to the window, and Mackenzie gasped. It couldn’t be him.
“I’ll leave you to it. Come and get me if you need anything. Jodi is looking after him today.”
At the sound of her name, a smiley young nurse, who didn’t look much older than sixteen, tucked her head around the closed-off curtain opposite Mackenzie’s father’s bed.
“Oh, hi. I’m Jodi. You must be Mack.”
Mackenzie grimaced at the overly familiar use of her own name. She tried to smile but it felt as though Botox had frozen her features in place.
“Cameron said you’d be coming in today,” Jodi continued. “I didn’t expect you so early though.”
“Yes, I’m Mackenzie. Sorry it’s early. I couldn’t sleep. You don’t mind do you?”
Jodi smiled again. “Not at all. I’ll get to your dad last. Perhaps when the breakfast comes around you can feed him for me.” She frowned. “You’ll have to be careful with his swallowing though.”
Mackenzie tried to smile again, knowing it probably looked more like a grimace. She fought the urge to run away as fast as she could. She wanted to be anywhere but there.
“It’s fine,” she said. “I know what to do. I’m a nurse.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. You’re the ICU nurse who’s been working in the Outback, is that right? That must have been so cool,” Jodi drawled. Not waiting for Mackenzie’s response, she ducked back behind the curtain and continued whatever she was doing with her other patient.
What else had her sisters told the nursing staff? Her father had only been there two days and everyone seemed to know everything about her.
She pasted another fake smile on her face and approached her father’s bed, but she needn’t have bothered – his eyes were closed. She stood for a long minute, unnoticed, observing him. What she saw shocked her. Even in sleep, he wore a vacant expression. He looked so old. A strange low buzzing st
arted in Mackenzie’s ears and her throat tightened. He looked a lot sicker than she had expected. How would he be well enough to go to the ward?
A chart lay in a wire basket at the foot of the bed and Mackenzie looked around to make sure Jodi wasn’t watching. She opened the folder and scanned the pages, reading the important words and letting them form a bullet-point list in her head. Blocked artery. Massive ischemic stroke. Dense left side paralysis. Hypertensive. Dysphagic. Functional decline. Long-term indwelling urinary catheter. Hoist transfer. Full nursing care required.
The words joined to give her the picture Mackenzie didn’t care to see. The damage of her father’s stroke was fast and aggressive. On the other hand, his recovery was going to be incredibly slow. One step forward, two steps backward. If they even made it forward. Full of dismay, she closed the folder with a slap and placed it back where she’d found it.
She pulled up a chair beside her father and watched him. His face was the color of congealed porridge. He continued to sleep, unaware of her presence. He looked so different from when she’d last seen him at Bailey’s wedding. How long had it been? Eighteen months? Actually closer to two years. It was the last time they’d all been together and Mackenzie’s father had said the words which had cut so deep that Mackenzie had vowed to have nothing further to say to him ever again. Now here she was and she still didn’t have anything to say. Nevertheless, Nathan was right. She needed to fix things between them.
Limp hands lay on the top of the bedcovers. They weren’t the strong hands she remembered from her childhood. Now his hands were pale and covered in freckles and sunspots. The hands of an old man, not her father. She closed her eyes and slumped in the chair, childhood memories flooding in.
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