by P D Miller
“I know.” John hugged her. “You go on and stay with her.” He smiled at Susan. “Just tell me you’re all right, and I’ll go down to make sure Davis has the bastard held.”
“Yes I’m fine.” Susan smiled. “There’s a saying, ‘vengeance is mine’ and in a way Ben unknowingly gave me a chance today. I’m fine John, just make sure they don’t let the bastard get away.”
When Susan entered the bedroom Missy was stretched out and nearly unconscious. Susan dropped on the sofa with tears in her eyes. Damn, it amazed her how the hurting had finally stopped, how Ben had shown her it was over. My wonderful Ben. Susan shook her head as she smiled. He missed his calling and should have been a psychiatrist. “Well Ben—” She stared at the ceiling. “The scars which can’t be seen sure do run deeper than the others. You were right. When Missy wakes up we’ll talk, and we’ll both face some thing important.” She grinned at the ceiling. “Ben, oh Ben, I do love you.”
Missy awakened feeling numb and confused. She sat up in bed and saw Susan smiling. She looked away and then back. “I’m sorry I was so much trouble.”
“No problem. I’m glad I was here.”
“Have you got any word about Ben?”
“No, not yet. They’ll call us.”
Missy felt tears come to her eyes. “I didn’t—the last thing I wanted was for Ben to be hurt because of me.”
“He knows.”
“No, but you don’t understand. The—the man he—”
“Has been arrested.”
“He has?” Missy looked up fearfully. “But how did—”
“Ben left messages and signals everywhere. The charges aren’t just for drugs.”
“No?” Missy’s eyes clouded with tears.
“No, the charge is for what he did to you.”
Missy swung her head around to stare at Susan. “But he—I—Ben didn’t—”
“You told us he did on the stairs when you were worried about Ben.”
“I did?” Missy buried her face in her knees. Shame overcame her.
“You need to talk about it.”
“No! I love Ben and I don’t want him to know—he’ll hate me—”
“Not Ben. Tell me Melissa; tell me about it.”
Missy shook her head. “It was a long time ago; I forgot.” Her eyes met Susan’s and she cringed.
“Um, funny thing about forgetting, when we do, we also create hang-ups—”
“What do you mean?”
“Well when we find ourselves in a similar situation—” Susan carefully chose her words. “Let’s say you were ten and walking home from school when a gang of girls jumped you and beat you up. Well let’s say you were so ashamed because of what others would think, you just blocked it all out of your head and forgot. The only problem then is every time you spot a bunch of girls, even if they want to be friendly, you react by crossing the street—you know by running away. And you can’t make friends.”
“But I’m not fighting a bunch of girls.”
“I know.” Susan smiled. “You’re fighting being raped.”
Missy gasped. “What makes you think so?”
“You told them downstairs when you thought Ben was in danger. You thought the man was after Ben.”
“Words, just words, I wanted them to—”
“Save Ben.” Susan shrugged. “So did I which is why I insisted the man be arrested. Now tell me about it.”
“No, you’ll tell Ben. I don’t want him—anyone to know.”
“I promise I won’t tell Ben anything.”
“You swear?” Missy tried to hide her tears.
“Sometimes the solution to a problem is telling another person Melissa.”
For a long time Missy seemed to stare at nothing. Oh, how she loved Ben! Until right this moment, she hadn’t realized how much she loved Ben and needed him and no one else. She didn’t want to hurt Ben because he thought she was so pure. More than her desire to keep everyone from knowing about her shame though, was her fear Ben would be hurt. She couldn’t stand the thought of Ben being hurt. “Ben told me he cares about me.” Missy said almost inaudibly.
“Oh, and it makes you happy?”
“No.” Missy shook her head. “Ben is so good to me; he’d never understand.”
“I don’t think there’s something so terrible someone, even Ben couldn’t understand?”
“Yes.” Missy buried her face against her knees. There was a long silence. “When it happened, when I woke up in the hospital after what they did to me, I felt so dirty and ashamed. I guess having all my brothers and father try and smooth it over just made things worse. Every time I looked at them, they reminded me I was different.”
“There are all kinds of ways people are different, Melissa. People can change without even realizing it with words. A person can feel change in many ways. The thing you have to realize is no one but you can see your difference. What’s important is for you to forgive yourself and see your value has not been diminished because of it. There’s no reason why you can’t hold your head up high and go on living just like it never happened.”
“But everyone where I live knows. It was in the paper. They dragged out the case and made me tell the judge—even point to him—the other guy.” Tears came to her eyes. “Everyone knows—except Ben.”
“What they know is you weren’t guilty of anything. Perhaps that’s why everyone tried to be over protective.” Susan picked up on her emphasis about the ‘other guy.’
“So I could forget, and I did forget.” Missy pulled up her knees tighter and rested her chin on them. Tears welled into her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks.
“And in doing so, they didn’t realize you needed to face it, you needed to accept it.”
“When Ben sent me the white roses—” Missy uselessly wiped her eyes. “It was the nicest thing anyone ever did, but—”
“But what?”
“They were white. White! The color for a virgin!” Missy buried her face. “I told Gonzalo to tell Ben so he’d know the truth—” She sniffled loudly. “But then Ben came barreling up and waking the whole neighborhood. When he said it didn’t matter I’d been kidnapped, I—he told me he cared for me, I knew Gonzalo didn’t tell him—” Pain showed in her eyes. “As long as I can remember my brothers always protected me—” She shook her head. “It was so important to everyone for me to be a virgin.” Again she wiped away tears.
“The right man can live with what happened Melissa.”
“But Ben? When he was writing to me, he said he liked the old fashioned customs of my family when I told him my brothers always went with me to keep me pure. He—he said when I grew up he’d marry me.”
“You think Ben can’t understand?”
“Don’t you see?” Missy sniffled loudly and wiped her nose with the edge of the sheet. “I was waiting—saving myself for him, and then I was ruined!”
“Did Ben tell you so?”
“No but he sent me white roses. Gonzalo didn’t tell him, and when he came to the house honking his horn he told me he wanted to marry me.”
“Maybe he already knew, Melissa.”
“No he didn’t know.” She stiffened and held up her head. “He wouldn’t have sent white roses; he’d have looked at me different, the way everyone else does. He didn’t know.”
“I think you’d be surprised at what Ben knows.”
“What do yon mean?” Missy glanced up.
“He knows you can hear.”
“No—no I can’t—” Missy wiped her eyes.
“Then why did he honk the horn so much?”
“He wanted to wake everyone because he’s Italian—”
“When he kidnapped you, what did he do? How did he explain it?”
“He talked to me with his hand. When there was light, he—” Missy stared at the sheet.
“He talked to you while he kidnapped you? You were very frightened weren’t you? Afraid he’d hurt you like you had been before? So what did he say to make you not scre
am and fight him?”
“Missy! He said Missy over and ever.” Missy looked up and glared at the doctor. “He said Missy, but Missy’s dead! She died when they hurt her!”
“Why did Missy die?”
“Because—because Missy wrote to Charger—Ben! Missy was saving herself for him!” She grew furious now. “I told you he promised to—” Her breath caught. “When he picked me up from the bed he kept saying, it over and over—Missy—that’s what he said—over and over Missy. Why?”
“Maybe because he doesn’t want Missy to be dead. Maybe because he was trying to tell you none of it mattered. Maybe because to him you’re still his pure Missy.” Susan’s eyes watered over memories of her own.
“But I’m different now!”
“Everyone is different after so many years.”
“But I’ve been—”
“Say it Melissa.”
“But I—I’m n—not a virgin!” Missy swallowed hard. “I—I w—was raped! They pulled me into the car and took me and they—” Several minutes passed while Susan listened to the torment coming from Missy in deep sobs. “Calling me names—saying terrible things—telling me I wasn’t normal—that I was different—both of them!”
“Yes, live through it again now Missy, and face what happened. But you’re still alive and still here.”
“And I’m—not normal.” Missy sobbed. “No one wants a girl who isn’t a virgin.” My whole family always told me no one would want someone dirty.”
“Maybe Ben does; maybe he understands.”
“No he couldn’t.” Frantically Missy tried to wipe away tears and stop crying.
“How will you ever know if you don’t tell him?”
“I’ll lose him.” Missy cried out.
Susan smiled. “Ah, so Missy chose to die and forget what happened rather than have her dream ruined.”
Missy wiped her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you prefer to save Missy for your private dream world. We all have one you know. It’s a special place where we keep private feelings—shattered dreams—sometimes even painful things we don’t want to think about or remember.
“Everyone has a private place?” Missy’s eyes showed surprise.
“Sure do. Some people won’t admit it though. They aren’t strong enough to admit it. Some aren’t even aware of it.”
“I thought I was crazy.”
“No, we do it to protect ourselves to keep from being hurt.” Susan shifted in her chair slowly. “I’m going to tell you something Melissa. It’s really strange Ben called me to take care of you. I’m not a psychiatrist, someone who would normally help with this kind of problem; actually, I’m a pediatrician. Do you know what a pediatrician is?”
“A children’s doctor? He called a children’s doctor for me?” Missy blinked. “Does he think I’m a child?”
“No, but he wanted you to grow past this thing that happened.” Susan shifted again. “Ben could have hired a psychiatrist or someone else, but he asked specifically for me. But then you see Ben and I have been friends for a long time.”
“You have?” A wave of jealousy hit Missy. “You mean you dated?”
“Oh, he’s taken me many places, but they weren’t really dates. No, Ben did much, much more for me, and it seems he still is. You see Melissa, I too have a secret place I would prefer to keep hidden.” Susan rubbed her forehead. “Several years ago I was raped. At the time I was engaged to be married and was walking home from class when some hoodlums dragged me into a car, and I was raped—”
“Oh gosh!”
“Yes, well I was a little older than you, but I still thought my world was at an end. The guy I was engaged to walked out on me because he couldn’t understand.
“Th—th—that’s what I—”
“No wait and listen. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later and really thought my world had ended, so I started taking drugs to forget. Ben was working on a drug case and when they busted a place one night he found me all doped up. He took me home and spent several days taking care of me while I went through withdrawal. Mostly he just held me close and told me I was worth too much to destroy. When he finally let me go, I willingly asked him to take me to a drug rehabilitation center.
“I figured he’d just dump me there and forget me, but he kept coming around every week or so just to say hi. I hadn’t told him about the baby, was ashamed of the way I was growing and tried to hide it. One Sunday afternoon he came with a picnic basket and said we were going out. He took me down to the beach and we ate and talked.” Susan’s eyes teared up. “Then he did the kindest thing he ever could. He told me pregnancy made me even more beautiful. I was so surprised he knew. I cried the whole afternoon. Man did I cry all day. I told Ben everything about the rape, the baby, everything. Ben stayed with me until all my tears were gone.”
Tears streamed down Missy’s face and she sniffled loudly.
“Then he leaned back with a smile and told me he thought it was strange how children didn’t care who their parents were, just so they had someone who loved them. Susan got up and walked to the window, deliberately turning her back to Missy. “Afterwards Ben continued to visit me in rehab.” Susan smiled. “Somehow Ben learned when I went in labor, and he stayed with me holding my hand. Later I met John and fell in love. John and I eventually married, and Ben gave me away.” She smiled. “Thanks to Ben I saw myself as a valuable person.” She turned back to face Missy and smiled.
“Ben gave you away like he’s your father?” Missy sniffled.
“Yes.” Susan walked over to Missy and pulled her into her arms. Ben was right; she could hear. Now they needed to find a way to make her realize it. Missy cried for a very long time and then pulled away.
“Oh please, Susan, I—”
“Ben is real now, and he scares you; doesn’t he?” Susan pushed. “He’s no longer just a dream and he’s making you face what happened.” Susan got up and walked toward the door. “You’re afraid to face the truth because the real Ben might take away the one you’ve been using to hide behind. Just like he’s been forcing you to hear.”
“No—I—it’s not—I just—” Missy looked down at the sheets as reality hit her. She started to cry again. “I—I guess the only thing to do is tell Ben when I see him, huh?” Missy stared at the sheet. “I mean, if he doesn’t understand, then he’s not worth it; is he?”
“That’s right, Melissa. The clod I was engaged to wasn’t worth all the time I punished myself. If not for Ben, I’d have missed John.”
“And your son?”
“John adopted him, so legally he’s his father. Ben was right; he loves John because John is his father.”
Missy dried her eyes and tried to smile. “Then when Ben comes back, I’ll tell him.”
“If you do, there will never be any doubts.”
Slowly Missy dried her eyes and looked up at Susan. “Has there been word about Ben?”
“Wanda called about an hour ago, and said he’s just very busy and everything is fine.”
“Then Moreno didn’t hurt him?” Missy smiled.
“No, I just heard he has to stay up there for a while. Susan got up. “How about if we go down to dinner?” Wanda said something about maybe you could go home tonight as soon as she checks things out.”
In the living room later in the evening Missy was curled up on a sofa watching a movie on a giant television screen when she noticed a man come in and Wanda get up. Wanda was gone about fifteen minutes before she came back and nervously sat down. She didn’t say a thing.
“Is something wrong?” Missy looked up.
“No everything’s okay.” Wanda glanced worriedly at Susan and John.
Missy shifted on the sofa and pretended not to notice when Wanda was called out again half an hour later. She glanced up when Susan rose saying she was going to see if they had any popcorn in the kitchen. Something was wrong. Her bones told her something was wrong. Wanda didn’t come back this time. She looked over at John
reading a magazine. Instantly fear seeped into Missy. She shifted again and glanced up at the clock. It was getting late. Missy watched Susan bring in a bowl of popcorn and sit down by her husband.
“What happened to Wanda?” Missy felt sudden fear.
“Oh she had to go out.”
“Is something wrong?” Missy began to shake.
“No, she’s just gone to get someone because—”
“Of me?” Missy shook more now. She swallowed hard and fought tears. “What’s happened? Something’s happened to Ben. Where is he?”
“No Missy, Ben’s doing all right.”
“I want to talk to my mother.” Missy sat up stiffly. “Suddenly I don’t feel safe here anymore. Something’s wrong. I want to talk to Ben—or my mother.”
“Look Melissa—” Susan rose wearing a smooth smile. “Everything’s all right.”
“Did Wanda go to get her husband? Ben was supposed to come home tonight. Where did Wanda go?”
“I’m not sure, but Ben wants you to stay here until he—”
“I want to talk to my mother!” Missy jumped up. She shook all over. “Something’s—”
The front door opened suddenly. “Everything’s all right.” Gonzalo reached out for Missy, pulled her into his arms and his smile widened. Wanda was behind him. “I’ve come to take you home.”
Missy leaned against him. “Gonzalo, is everything really all right?”
“Yeah.” He smiled. “Wanda just came to get me. Ben thought you might be afraid to go alone with her, so he told her to come and get me and take you home.”
“And Ben?” Missy relaxed more in her brother’s arms.
“He just can’t get back yet—said I should come and get you so you could be at home.”
“You talked to him?”
“No Wanda did. He said the guys are in jail and everyone is safe now.”
“I was so scared!”
“Yeah well—” Gonzalo smiled. “Come on Melissa, I’ll get you home and you’ll feel better.” He glanced at everyone. “Thanks for bringing me to get her.”
Missy let Gonzalo lead her out of the house and to his car. Still worried, she stared out the right window while he drove home. Something was still wrong. She could feel it in her bones. Ben had promised to take care of her. He promised no one would hurt her as if he’d be there to protect her, but he was gone. He said he’d be back and take her home.