by P D Miller
“Oh Ben, I’m so glad to see you!” His mother reached out and put her arms around him, then glanced back. “But I thought you’d bring your wife.”
“Mom.” Ben hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Pop.” He reached out and shook his father’s hand. “I wanted to bring Missy, but her father’s ill and she’s needed there.” Ben stared at the ground. “I guess taking her home to be with him is what got me to thinking—”
“I’m glad you did, son. It’s about time we made peace.”
The drive to the house was silent while each member in the Spinelli family sat in deep, private thought. It had been so many years since he’d been home, Ben was somewhat awed by the size of the house. After warm greetings with the servants, Ben begged to shower before dinner and went up to his room. When he entered, it was like walking into the past. Although he could see it had been cleaned regularly, nothing was out of place.
“Hope everything’s in order, sir. Your mother wanted it kept just as you left it.”
“Why?” He glanced at the maid.
“I don’t know.” The woman smiled. “She did the same in Connie’s room when she—”
“I understand.” He dropped his suitcase on a chair. After a quick shower and change, he wandered down the hall to Connie’s room. He could feel her presence everywhere as he looked at her stuffed animal collection, dolls and other toys. He opened a drawer in her bureau and saw Connie’s clothes were still in them. All these years?
“For a long time I wanted to believe she’d come back.” Ben’s mother said from the doorway. “I really should do something with all this stuff. Thought I had lost both of you really.” She sat on the bed. “I didn’t accept her death until your father got me into therapy four years ago.”
“Into therapy?” Ben looked up.
“I was drinking and using drugs.” She started shaking nervously. “Don’t know how you missed seeing it.”
“I—I thought—”
“You thought she was running around like I was.” His father stood in the doorway now. “Actually she was buying drugs. I thought she was having affairs too.” He walked over to his wife and put a hand on her shoulder. “Ben, when you went to work for the DEA, I thought it was because of Connie’s involvement with drugs. It forced me to face what a mess I’d made of everything. After I started to get my own head in gear, I realized what I was doing to your mother. We both sought help.”
“Then you two are back together?”
“We’re working on it.”
“I wasn’t thinking of Connie when I went to work for them. I just—just saw what the drugs did to friends in Iraq—had a friend die of an overdose.” Ben glanced around the room and felt his sister’s warmth, but he no longer felt as if half of him had stayed here. His other half was in Texas now.
“We made a mistake, Ben.” His mother reached out for his hand. “When you were small, we ignored you trying to take care of Connie. It seemed so easy to send you off to school so we wouldn’t have to explain things or worry about your care while we took care of her.”
“Yeah, I can see it now.”
Lunch was friendly and light. Ben told them about Missy and her crazy brothers. Small silences of thought created lulls in the conversation as things came up and the thinker hesitated to say them. Ben was glad he’d come and seen how things were improving between his parents. He’d worry about them less now. Finally he glanced up at his father.
“Dad, I’d like to borrow one of the cars.”
“No, I’d like to take you to visit her, son.” Again this drive was silent. Ben got out of the car and walked slowly up the hill behind his father. He noticed his father knew exactly where to go. He hadn’t been here since the funeral. It surprised him to see a large monument for the family.
“Your mother and I want to be buried here beside her.” His father waved. “Mother comes up here with me monthly. She didn’t come today because she thought you might not want—” His voice cracked. Ben stared silently at the large stone. “I want your mother placed beside her and me beside your mother.” His father had tears in his eyes. Ben glanced up and then away surprised his father was crying. “As you can see, the space on Connie’s left is still—we thought—no hoped you’d let us purchase it—” His father could say no more.
Ben’s eyes shot skyward, and the muscles in his cheeks rippled. “I always felt like Connie was my other half.” His voice was a whisper. “I didn’t understand you were taking her to doctors all those years. I thought you were sending her off to school like me.” Ben stared at the ground. “I felt guilty.”
“Why?”
“I took everything from her, so she was sick. It wasn’t fair I should be so healthy and she wasn’t.” Tears came to his eyes. “There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.”
“Then I’m sorry we made you feel that way, Ben. Your mother and I were always glad we only had her to worry about; we were glad you were healthy.”
“It’s not fair she died though. I mean if—it should have never happened.”
“Yes, we made many mistakes.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“No listen.” His father leaned against a tree. “When Connie was born, her chances for survival were already slim. We spoiled her thinking each year might be her last. By the time she was twelve we realized we’d created a monster when her demands exceeded our abilities. It wasn’t Connie’s fault; it was ours, but she became more than we could handle.
“By then she knew she could die at any time, and she’d remind us constantly when she wanted her way. We should have been firm and told her she couldn’t have everything she wanted. We should have treated you equally to her as much as possible, but instead we created a living hell for all of us.
“When you came home from school, you’d only see part of the world we lived in. Ironically Connie loved you so much she’d behave and do everything she could to please you. Not until the last did you see how things had really become. By then we were all at our worst.
It seemed like a family trait we become hell bent to destroy ourselves when we’re lonely or weakened. Even you inherited it. I could see it when you ran off to Iraq. I became angry hoping to sway you away from danger. You didn’t understand what I meant. It was the same way when you joined the DEA. I didn’t want you to destroy yourself.”
“And when I went against your wishes by becoming an engineer?” Ben glanced at his father.
“I was disappointed because I hoped you would come home. I didn’t realize you were so talented, and I wanted you to choose something I knew. Truth is—” He hesitated. I also wanted you here for your stability to try and help me piece things together—to depend upon you.”
“Why didn’t you say so then?” Something like it had never occurred to Ben.
“I figured I was too late; you no longer wanted a father.” He smiled. “In the long run it was probably better because it forced me to look at what I had become and what I’d done to your mother. If you hadn’t gone, we might be the same as when you saw us last.”
Ben nodded understanding and walked over to the headstone. He slid his fingers over Connie’s name. “Strange how it takes so long for the reality to sink in.” He smiled and changed the subject. “I used quite a bit of the money you gave me.”
“Yes, I know.” His father smiled back.
“I thought you’d call and jump all over me.”
“I gave it to you to use as you wish.”
Ben nodded. “It went to get myself established in Texas.”
“Then it went to good use.”
Ben smiled. “Pop, I’m glad I came. I’ve let so many things haunt me.”
“Maybe now you’ll be able to start living then.”
“Yeah, I’ve got a wonderful wife.” Ben grinned. “As soon as her father’s well, I’ll bring her up to meet you.”
After they walked down the hill and climbed in the car, Ben looked one last time in the direction of Connie’s resting place and turned
his thoughts to Missy. She was his other half now, and she wasn’t just filling an empty space. Losing Connie was something different entirely.
Right after they got back to the house, Ben came downstairs with his luggage and a package under his arm. He handed it to his mother.
“Missy gave this to me, but I know she won’t mind if I give it to you.”
His mother unwrapped the picture of Connie when she was fourteen. Ben clenched his jaw to fight tears when he saw his parents start to cry. Their words of thanks could barely be heard.
“And will you be having grandchildren for us too?” His mother smiled even though she was crying.
Ben shook his head. “I think we’ll adopt children.”
“Oh?” His father’s eyebrows rose.
“She’s got two sets of twin brothers. I worry about the increased possibilities.” Ben stared at the floor. “And Missy is very tiny, just barely five feet tall.”
“I see.” Ben’s father chewed his lip. “You know Ben, with twins, they’re usually born smaller.”
“Yeah, but chances increase something will be wrong wit—”
“You still blame yourself because your sister wasn’t normal?” His father frowned.
“Well, the doctor said—”
“What doctor? Ben who said what?”
“I don’t know who. I remember I was with Mom in the doctor’s office one time. She was having a hell of a time controlling me while the doctor was checking Connie. Mom said something like she wished I had less energy and Connie had more—”
“Yes, I remember.” His mother cut in. “I said it was too bad things weren’t divided more evenly. You ran out of the office then. A nurse chased you back several minutes later, and the doctor was saying it was normal for one twin to take more from the mother than the others. But he didn’t mean it in your case.”
“He didn’t?”
“No, as a matter of fact I asked several doctors about it. They all told me Connie would have been born the same even is she was a single birth. What was wrong with her was a congenital anomaly, not because you were twins. It was in her cells to be the way she was. Oh Ben! You’ve been thinking this all these years?”
“Thinking Connie’s problems were your fault?” His father added.
“Yeah, I guess I did.” His face contorted while he tried not show the relief waving through him. He glanced up at his parents and smiled. “I have to go right now, but as soon as I can I’ll bring Missy up to meet you, or you could come down.”
“We just might do it, son.” His father smiled.
“Yes, after we have the house and a couple of rooms cleaned out.” His mother laughed. “The way clothes are always coming back in style, I’ll bet someone could use Connie’s things.”
Ben could hardly wait to go see Missy when he stepped off the plane the next morning, but there was one thing he had to do first. He called his secretary to have her call the doctor’s office to cancel his appointment. Missy would be glad to know he’d changed his mind about having children.
Half an hour later he happily banged his way into the Sanchez home and met sad faces.
“Something wrong with your Pop?”
“No, he’s doing much better—came home this morning.” Gonzalo didn’t smile.
“Great!” Ben stared at the sad faces. “Missy?”
“In her room.”
Ben took the stairs two at a time and crashed into Missy’s room with a pounding heart. “Honey?”
Missy sat in the center of her bed, her knees pulled up with her arms wrapped around them and her chin on her knees. She glanced up and smiled. “Hi! I didn’t expect you so soon.”
She turned her face up for him to kiss. His massive hands grabbed hold of her shoulders.
“So I gather.” He saw she was wearing her trouble gown. “What’s wrong?” He sat on the bed when he saw she wasn’t going to get out of her protective, self-hugging position.
“Who said something’s wrong?”
“No one has to. This house is like death warmed over. Honey, tell me.” He reached out, pulled her arms away from her legs and tried to pull her into his arms. Instead she lay back turned her back to him and faced the wall.
“Dammit!” Ben jumped up. “I can hardly wait to get home to my loving wife with great news and get a cold shoulder. A guy can’t win around here.” He threw his arms up in the air and dropped them to his sides in frustration. “Maybe Gonzalo will go out and get drunk with me.” Purposely he stomped toward the door.
“Ben, wait.” Missy turned over and tried to smile. “You say you were anxious to come home and tell me good news?”
“Yeah, good news.” Ben came back, sat on the bed in front of her, sighed audibly and put his hand in her hair. He brushed her cheek with his thumb. “Mom and Dad are back together helping each other stop all the things they were doing to punish themselves. We had a long talk about Connie. Before I left my dad told me he was proud of me and what I’ve become.” He smiled. “And they said they want to meet you and might come down.”
“Oh? They’re doing all right then?”
“Yeah, finally faced up to Connie’s death and are putting the pieces back together. A lot of things I thought about them weren’t true.” He shook his head. “Anyhow, you might be mad at me.” He shrugged. “I gave them the picture you had enlarged of Connie. I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“No, I don’t. I can get another one.” Missy sat up and put her arms around Ben’s neck and her head against he shoulder.
“I want you to know I loved the picture, but your other gift—”
“What gift?”
“The bracelet.” He pulled her hand up to touch it on his right wrist. “It means more because it will always be special, just between you and me.”
“Then you’re not angry?”
“No, pleased and happy you understand about my secret scar.”
“I hoped it would also include mine. She whispered shakily.
“Yes, I know.” He touched her cheek lovingly. “Now are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Ben pulled her hands down and held them. “You’re wearing your trouble gown.”
Missy’s eyes shifted away. “Oh Ben, I’m so sorry.” Tears came to her eyes. “I hate to spoil your good feelings.”
He wiped a tear away. “Tell me.” His heart was trying to jump from his chest.
“I went to the doctor yesterday.” She started shaking. “He says I can’t use the pill—”
“It doesn’t matter.” Ben’s heart stopped in his throat. “Damn, the pill.”
“I can’t use it because I’m already pregnant!” She jerked away and tried to roll away.
“You’re preg—damn!” Ben jumped up and stomped toward the door. “A baby, damn!” In two strides he was back to the bed and hunching over her. “A baby?” When she nodded an affirmative, he turned again and stomped to the door, this time opening it. “Gonzalo!” He tore downstairs yelling. “Let’s get drunk!” Missy began to sob.
Ben was out on the front porch in a daze waiting for Gonzalo to come to life. Mrs. Sanchez shook her head in wonder and nodded for Gonzalo to go with Ben. Gonzalo got to the front door and Mrs. Sanchez just put her foot on the bottom step to go up to Missy when Ben screamed.
“A baby! Our baby! Damn!” He nearly knocked Gonzalo and Mrs. Sanchez down as he tore back upstairs and into Missy’s room. He bent down and rolled her over. “Oh honey, you’re so wonderful and beautiful and mine.” His tongue searched for hers until they did a love dance. When he pulled away, he wiped at her tears. “You’re so good to me.”
“I thought you’d be mad.” She stared at him.
“No, no way!” He grinned. “Did the doctor say you’re all right? I mean you’re big enough—did you tell him how big I am—did he say—”
“Everything’s all right.” She smiled.
“Hey Ben, are we going or not?” Gonzalo yelled.
“Oh damn, I forgot him.” Ben jumped up and went to the top o
f the stairs. “I’m going to have a baby!” He yelled and threw some bills over the banister. “Someone go get some beer and we’ll celebrate.” He tore back into Missy’s room, dropped on her bed on his knees and hunkered over her. As his lips touched hers, his hand shot down to her abdomen. “Oh honey, let me see.”
“Ben, there’s nothing to see.” She smiled and helped him undo her gown. She giggled when his massive hand slid over her and then his lips went down to kiss her abdomen. “It’s only this big right now.” She curled her forefinger into her thumb to make a tiny circle.
“So small?” His voice was muffled as his wandering tongue started lower.
“Ben, what are you doing?”
“Trying to feel our baby.”
“You’re acting crazy.”
“I missed you.” His breathing was heavy and erratic as he sought to give her pleasure. His lips went back up to hers in a passionate kiss.
“Hey man, the beer’s here.” Gonzalo yelled.
“Ben.” Missy whispered.
“Oh honey—” He pulled his hand away. “I just wanted to make you feel good.”
“Wait until we get home.” She kissed him.
“Yeah, okay.” He put his forehead on the bed beside her while she put her clothes back right. “You don’t know how happy you made me tonight.”
“Go have a drink with my brothers, Ben. Tell Mom I’m coming down for coffee.”
“Milk!” He rose, glanced down at his state and sat again.
“Are you really glad?” Missy giggled and kissed his ear.
“Yes, I’m glad, and you’re not helping me one damn bit.”
Finally, when he cooled enough, Ben went downstairs, hugged Mrs. Sanchez and shook hands with all her brothers. They gathered in the kitchen while Gonzalo passed out beers. A few minutes later, Missy came down looking for coffee, and a tiny argument ensued over the preferred value of milk. She rolled her eyes skyward and glared at Ben as she stomped into the living room with her milk, smiled at her mother and then laughed.
Laughter also rose in the kitchen where Ben and her brothers were; it died and rose several times for well over an hour. Missy knew they were telling jokes. Ben was part of the family now. When her mother went up to check her dad, Missy picked up her glass and stole into the kitchen. Ben’s arm snaked out, grabbed her and pulled her onto his lap. While Ben listened to Marco, Gonzalo watched her hand slide down to Ben’s and a private little conversation ensue under the table. Not five minutes later Missy and Ben were saying goodnight and left. Things were fine. Nothing could be better.