If only Ruari could do more to serve them. He’d never wished for Aedan to just hand over the job of the chieftain’s second-in-command. He’d wished to earn it.
But it was difficult with Neil’s eyes constantly surveying him, waiting for him to make mistakes he could point out to Aedan.
Ruari’s late wife, Doirin, had thought him a failure too. She’d pushed him to buy her jewels and gowns. At her bidding, he’d asked Aedan to send them to London to represent Clan Cameron at any royal events—something he’d done to make her happy, not because he actually wished to leave his home. Aedan had told him no.
She had taken it as further proof of his unworthiness.
Although he wasn’t proud of it, Ruari had always envied Aedan’s happiness with Jennie. Theirs was an ideal marriage, between two people perfectly suited for each other. What would it be like to have that feeling of belonging?
He’d only ever experienced that on Cameron land. He drank in the peacefulness of the day for a moment more, closing his eyes to enjoy the music of the birds, the chittering of the squirrels, the rustling of the leaves, and the wind roaring through the pines.
Bolstered by the sights and sounds of the land he loved, he turned back to the gates. Aedan wasn’t the only one he’d avoided of late.
It was time for him to visit his mother.
Something he had come to dread.
Nevertheless, he headed toward the keep to visit her. His mother was no longer able to take care of herself. She stayed in a tower chamber on the first floor because her hips would no longer allow her to go up and down stairs. Ruari used to take her for short walks out of doors in nice weather, but it had pained him to see her struggle on the slightest of slopes, and so he’d ended their outings.
Some days she spoke frequently, other days very little. Her favorite topics were her grandchildren—Brin, Tara, and Riley. She often made comments about wishing Ruari would give her more grandchildren. He ignored them because he knew it could never be, although she seemed convinced it would happen someday.
Once inside the keep, he was surprised to see her seated in front of the hearth, a plaid over her lap. He wondered what could possibly be running through her mind as she stared into the flames.
“Mama? How are you this fine day?” He pulled a chair up next to her. She was one of the only people in the great hall at the moment, although the serving maids bustled in and out as they prepared for the evening meal.
“Ruari, ’tis so nice to see you. I’m well. The fire warms my old bones.” She gave him a broad smile, her hand reaching for him.
He took it and held it between his palms, surprised as always by her unnaturally cool skin. “Mama, would you like another plaid? You’re so cold.”
“I’m fine, lad.”
“Mama, I’m not a lad anymore. I’m eight and twenty. Hardly young.”
“Don’t be silly. You’ll always be my laddie.”
His mother’s gaze returned to the flames, her happiness that he’d joined her clearly evident. Why didn’t he come more often?
Because it hurt him to see her this way, and he knew his own mother considered him a failure. Although she’d never come out and said as much, he always heard the message behind her words.
“I see that look in your eyes again, Ruari.”
She still gazed at the fire as she said it, so he couldn’t understand how she’d seen anything. But he knew without a doubt he was about to be reminded of his failure. “What look, Mama? I’m just happy to see you.”
“That look I’ve seen so many times over the years. ’Tis not your fault Aedan was our firstborn. It was in the stars. ’Tis no reflection on you or your abilities. ’Twas decided the day he was born that he’d be chieftain someday.” She lifted her chin, lost again in memories. “I miss your papa.”
“I do, too. I know Aedan was always meant to be chief, Mama. ’Tis as it should be. I can help the clan in other ways.”
She patted his hand. “I wish you truly believed that. Have you seen Brin today? My, but he’s a talented lad, is he not?”
“Aye, he is.”
As if on cue, the door flew open and Brin burst through the door, a handful of spring flowers in his hands. “Here, Grandmama. I found some flowers and brought them for you.”
She pulled her hand from Ruari’s and clapped her hands together. “Brin, they’re beautiful. Many thanks to you.”
That was Ruari’s cue to leave. He snuck out the door, pausing only to ruffle Brin’s hair, and headed out through the gates toward the lists. On the way out, he caught a rustling in the bush off to the side of the path. Wild pigs loved to root in the bushes, so he glanced over to ensure it wasn’t a boar ready to charge at him.
A furry head stuck up through the grasses and gave a weak cry. Ruari moved closer, surprised to see it was a newborn pup struggling to move in the high grasses.
Not wishing to offend the mother, he didn’t pick it up right away, instead walking around the area in search for the dog or other puppies. He didn’t find anything, so he picked the wee animal up and cuddled it against his chest. “My, you’re nearly as cold as my mother’s hand. I must warm you up. In fact, mayhap I’ll go to the kitchens and get you some goat’s milk. Are you the runt and your mother left you?”
The soft brown puppy mewed like a kitten as it cuddled against him, settling in his hand with a contented sigh. He shrugged his shoulder and headed toward the kitchens behind the keep. He ran into Aedan’s wife, Jennie, who said, “Uh-oh, Mama left him to die, ’struth?”
“I guess so. He was struggling under the bushes.” His other hand drifted to the top of the pup’s head, patting him affectionately.
“Sad,” Jennie said, a sadness in her gaze as she petted the animal’s side. “I just saw his mother move her pups to another spot. She’ll never feed him, but I’ll not leave him to die. Do you want me to find one of the lassies to feed him?” Jennie glanced around the courtyard in search of either of her daughters.
Ruari was surprised to find himself shaking his head. “Nay, I’ll take care of him.”
“Fresh goat’s milk inside.” Jennie pointed to the kitchens and headed out toward the front of the curtain wall. “You need a companion, Ruari,” she called over her shoulder. “You’ll take good care of him.”
Ruari lifted the wee dog so he could look him in the face. “Aye, I will. Now I just wish to find a name for you.” He stared into the dog’s eyes as his paw came up to touch his face. “You look like a Heckie to me, laddie. Heckie you are.”
Once he fed the pup, he tucked him inside his tunic to warm him up, and Heckie fell asleep instantly.
Ruari knew it was foolish, but his heart warmed at the sight. He had a new friend, and somehow the world seemed a brighter place for it.
Chapter Four
Juliana chewed on the bread Joan had brought her. “This is fine bread. ’Tis quite delicious.”
Her sister hadn’t taken a seat since returning to the room. Her stance seemed almost nervous. Mayhap she was feeling the distance between them, too. “I’ll find you more if you like,” Joan said.
“Nay, I’m fine. I’m nearly full. I’m sure I will be once I finish the cheese.” She glanced around the small chamber, wondering if this was where her sister spent most of her day. It seemed quite dour.
Perhaps becoming a nun was not the best path for her.
“So who is it Papa wishes you to marry? Or is he just looking for a match for you?”
Juliana took a bite of her bread to keep from answering quickly because somehow she knew, no matter what the answer was, it would not suit her sister. Of course, it did not exactly suit her either, and there was no real reason to hide the truth. Joan hadn’t been home for so long she probably did not know the man anyway. “Ailbeart Munro.”
Joan jolted. “Munro? He’s more than two decades older than you.” She sat down on the bed, and Juliana could see her hands were shaking.
“He came to visit with Papa not long ago. They spok
e for over an hour, and Papa seemed quite happy after he left. He didn’t mention the betrothal for a while, but a few days later, he admitted he’d agreed to give my hand to Munro. He’s a laird, as you know, so Papa believes ’tis a good match. The laird lost his last wife. He wishes to have sons before ’tis too late. He’s had no bairns at all.” She looked Joan in the eye. “I begged Papa to let me visit you so that we might discuss everything. He walked out of the room without answering me, and I felt certain he wouldn’t allow it. Then, two days later, he said he’d arranged the visit.”
Joan patted her hand. “He must have gotten my message. And thought your suggestion had merit.” They were both quiet for a moment, then Joan said, “Please be honest, Juliana. What think you of marriage?”
Juliana played with her last pieces of food, unsure of how to answer her sister. The truth was she didn’t know how she felt.
Her sire wished for her to marry a man five and twenty years older than she was.
Her sister wished for her to become a nun.
What if she wished for neither of those paths?
“I’m not sure. I’m not interested in marrying Ailbeart because he’s so old. I’ve heard he is nice-looking, distinguished, but I’d prefer someone closer to my age. I’ve seen him from a distance, but I haven’t met him yet, so how can I know for sure? Mayhap I’ll fall in love with him.”
Her sister declared with vehemence, “You will not fall in love with him.”
“Do you know him?” She couldn’t stop the sudden pitter-patter in her heart at the prospect of learning more about her possible betrothed. Why would no one tell her more about him?
“Of course I know him. He is our neighbor. How do you not know him? Did Papa tell you more about his marriage?”
“His wife died six moons ago. The only other thing Da told me was he’s desperate for sons. He doesn’t wish to wait because he’s getting on in years.”
Joan scoffed. “’Tis a ridiculous request. Papa only wishes for you to marry him because he’s a laird and has money. Nay, you do not need to marry an old man just for Papa to gain coin. Tell our sire you wish to become a nun and you can stay here with me forever. He wouldn’t dare tear you from the convent. ’Tis why he was reluctant to keep his promise to me.”
“You think Papa would allow it? I don’t think he would be pleased to tell Munro he was canceling the betrothal. And he said you trained somewhere else…would I have to leave?”
“True, you would have to train at Stonecroft Abbey. I’ll take you there in another day or two so you can see what ’tis like. There are so many novices there and you’ll feel right at home.” She turned to Juliana and took both of her hands.
“But there’s something I don’t understand, Joan,” she said hesitantly. How could she explain this to her sister without offending her? In her eyes, being a nun sounded quite boring.
“Then ask me. ’Tis why you came, is it not? What is it?”
She squirmed on the bed to consider her phrasing, but then blurted it out. “What does a nun do all day?”
Joan laughed, a sweet sound she rarely heard from her, though she remembered it well from childhood. Her sister had always made her laugh because she was so loving, so bubbly. This felt more like the Joan she remembered. But moments later, the laughter faded and the proper nun was back.
Joan smoothed her skirt. “It depends. Some nuns pray most of the day, others prefer to do God’s work. I work with novices, which is something you could train to do. Sometimes we work with orphans, or you could become the cook of the abbey, or teach others to read. Reading the Bible is a much-needed skill. You could visit with the sick or those dying. There are so many choices. ’Tis the beauty of becoming a nun.”
Juliana thought for a moment, mulling over the possibilities she’d been given. While she wouldn’t mind doing some of those activities occasionally, she couldn’t deny that she longed for a family of her own.
But she would never be allowed to choose her own husband. It was Ailbeart or no one.
“I’ll think on it, Joan. I’m verra tired. I think I’ll go to bed.”
“Of course. Your journey must have been exhausting.” Her sister stood and said, “I’ll find you a basin of water to freshen up with before you go to bed. We’ll talk more about your vocation in the morning.” She kissed her cheek and left her.
Joan obviously cared about her, which was nice, but she was being as forceful as their father. If they loved her, shouldn’t they care about her happiness?
Juliana suddenly felt very alone.
***
Ruari headed out to the lists the following day. As soon as he moved down the steps of the keep, he found a grassy patch and set his new friend down to take care of its needs.
Brin chased out behind him. “A puppy? Where did you find that one? Mama said I’m too young to have one yet.”
His nephew was a good lad—hard-working with a big heart and plenty of good looks from both sides of the family, but he was smaller than the other lads his age, something that frustrated Brin to no end.
“’Tis the runt. I found him left in the bushes, his mother long gone, so I picked him up. I’m sure you’ll get one as soon as they’re older. Or if you work hard, I may gift this one to you in a day or two. First, we must see that he’s well fed with goat’s milk.”
“May I pick him up? Or will he pish on me?”
Ruari barked a short laugh. “Dogs will not pish on you. They know better.”
“How?” Brin gave him a curious look he knew well. The lad had been asking the question “why” ever since he’d turned three winters. He’d always loved the lad’s curiosity, although he knew his nieces, who were both older, tired of it.
“I can’t answer that question, Brin. Dogs sense more than most animals. I’m not sure why, but he knew enough to hold it.”
The two watched the pup as he circled and sniffed, looking for just the right spot. When he finally let go, Brin giggled. “He had to go, did he not?”
“Aye, he did.”
Brin picked him up and giggled as the puppy licked his cheek. “What did you name him?”
“Heckie.” As Ruari watched the two become acquainted, the desire to have his own bairns washed over him. He was quick to bury it down deep. He would have to be satisfied with two beautiful nieces and one nephew. “Come, lad. Bring him along. We’re off to the lists.”
He turned to head out the gates, and nearly ran into his brother. “Good morn to you.”
“Good timing,” Aedan said, “I was looking for you both. I need a few men to escort a group to Stonecroft Abbey. There’s a group of nuns who wish to travel there later today. ’Tis only about a three-hour trip. I thought I’d send you to lead, Ruari. Take Brin with you. Neil will go as well.”
Ruari thought he must have heard his brother wrong. “You want me to lead with Neil along?”
“Aye. I already told Neil ’tis my preference. He said he’d gladly go.”
A feather could have blown Ruari over, but he didn’t have time to consider what had just happened. Brin was practically bursting with excitement.
“And I may go, too, Papa?”
“Aye, ’tis time to start sending you on guard duty. You’ll listen to everything Ruari and Neil tell you or you’ll not go again for a while. Understood?”
The lad’s face lit up with a contagious exuberance. “I promise to be good,” he said. “I will, Uncle Ruari.” The lad handed him the puppy carefully, and immediately began to bounce up and down with sheer excitement. Ruari understood. He’d felt the same way when he was a lad. Any chance to travel with the guards was sheer pleasure.
Aedan set his hand on his son’s shoulder and said, “Go say your goodbyes to your mama and to Grandmama. Tell them when you’re going and where. ’Tis important that someone always knows when the guards and warriors take their leave.”
“Aye, Papa,” he said over his shoulder as he raced toward the keep.
Ruari was so stunned that he didn
’t know what to say to his brother.
“I don’t send my only son with just anyone, Ruari,” Aedan said. “Keep that in mind. You might need to leave your new friend behind.” He tipped his head toward Heckie with a smile.
“I’ll keep him close. His mother rejected him, so I’ve adopted him.”
Aedan just set his hands on his hips and grinned.
“My thanks, Aedan.” He didn’t know what else to say, but he wished to acknowledge his appreciation for his brother’s trust in him. Perhaps his brother did believe in him after all.
He’d have to prove himself on this journey.
Chapter Five
Juliana followed her sister out of the abbey, carrying her small satchel with two extra gowns and her personals tucked inside. A handsome young lad immediately rushed over and reached for it.
“Here, my lady. I’ll take care of that for you.” He could only be ten or twelve summers at most, but he was most enthusiastic. He stopped suddenly and spun back around to face her. “Which horse is yours?”
Juliana smiled at him and pointed to her mare. “The chestnut one with the white markings on her face.”
“Right away, my lady.”
“What’s your name?” she called after him.
He spun around again, so quickly she wondered if it had made him dizzy. “Brin Cameron,” he said. “I’ll take care of everything for you. Shall I help you mount?”
“Nay, I’ll use the mount over there.” She couldn’t help but wonder if he could assist her. He wasn’t overly tall for his age. Her gaze traveled over the rest of the dozen or so guards preparing to escort them, but it stopped as soon as she saw him.
Him. The handsome one who’d saved her from the reivers. His red hair was quite tousled this morn, but her attention was drawn to the way he was cooing to something in his hand.
She followed Brin over to her horse, then whispered to him, “What is that man doing?”
The Banished Highlander Page 3