No, they did whatever they wanted and let the pieces of everyone else’s lives fall where they would.
So would I? Marry Daniel? The question in my mind was a whisper. I was embarrassed to even be thinking such a thing.
But … on the off chance that there was more to us? That this crazy thing we had led to something permanent? The very, very, very off chance.
“Ok, I better go,” Leanna said, dragging me back to our conversation. “But I wonder if your boy has seen this yet!”
As the phone line clicked silent, I wondered too. And if he had seen it, had it freaked him out as much as me? Of course, for me to find out he’d have to call me, and it was entirely possible that, even without those photos, having gained some space, he had rethought our relationship again.
Our relationship … I stared at the photo of us on the beach as if it had the answers to all of life’s mysteries. Or, perhaps, just this one.
• • •
When the doorbell rang, I thought maybe it would be the postman. Or maybe it would be the next-door neighbor, or maybe it would be … Daniel, taking a midday break from work because he couldn’t bear to be away from me. I laughed at myself for the last thought. It was none of those though. Instead, it was my father, two days early and looking more pissed than I’d seen him in years.
“That two-bit son of a bitch,” he said, storming in. “What the hell were you doing with him?”
Heat flooded my cheeks. This was so much worse than knowing those pictures were out there for anyone to see because this wasn’t just anyone. I closed the door and slowly followed him into the living room.
“I guess you saw.”
“I’m going to rip him apart.”
A vision of my father storming into Daniel’s office, of security and police and blood, horrified me. My dad should never have found out, or at least, not this way.
“It’s not his fault.”
“Not his fault!” He was raging now.
I stepped back. In the face of this fury, everything I had ever done seemed like a horrible idea. All those thoughts of love seemed tawdry, like a betrayal.
Which they were.
“Dad, I’m the one who approached him. I was curious about him. There was a job opening, and I thought, maybe I could get back at him for everything he did to you.”
The rage in my father’s face flickered and then came back full force. His mouth worked, frothed almost at the corner and I realized suddenly how like a bull my father could look.
“So you slept with him?” He was looking at me as if I were a stranger, a horrible creature. “What kind of job opening is that? Prostitute?”
I flinched. Why was that word so much worse than mistress?
“I wanted to get back at him,” I whispered.
“He used you, sweetheart.” He said it the way he had always told me things when I was a child. That patronizing adult tone, as if I knew nothing about the world and never could.
“I was planning to use him,” I protested, knowing even as I said so, that it wasn’t true, that it never had been. I’d simply been insatiably curious, and tempting fate, wanting to fill in the pieces of the history that had torn my childhood apart.
He laughed. “No, honey, I’m sorry. Your Daniel Hartmann knew very well that by sleeping with you he’d be hurting me. And by making certain the world knows? He played you.”
I wanted to protest, deny that everything was about my father. What was between Daniel and me was—
“I was excited to come up here this week, Emmy, because I had news. Finally had a good offer. Business opportunity. But I’m a felon. That’s all I am. That’s what that story in newsprint reduces me to. Tavis backed out the minute the old dirt hit the rounds.”
“You think Daniel took me to the Hamptons to be photographed just to stop you from getting a business deal?”
He nodded. I stared at my father in disbelief. “Are you sure? How … how do we know he knew?”
“My God, you’re so naïve, Emmy,” my father said, shaking his head. Embarrassment knifed through me at my father’s judgment. I wanted to hide. I’d always wanted his approval and now, this was the farthest thing from it. “But at some point you have to grow up and face the hard facts of the world. Men like Hartmann don’t ‘fall in love.’” My father spoke through his teeth, the words deliberate and punctuated by angry breath. “He planned this.”
My heart fell to knees. When had Daniel learned about my father’s plans? Had he known before?
But he couldn’t have planned my coming to work for him. That thought gave me hope.
“Why would he? Wasn’t it enough, all those years ago?”
My father shrugged. “I thought he was through, that we were even.”
“And I got involved and gave him another chance.” But there was so much more he was clearly not saying and the overwhelming guilt made it difficult to breathe.
Even without words, the tight set of my father’s jaw was answer enough. I wanted to disappear. Throw myself off the bridge and let the strong Charles River current sweep me down and out to sea.
I was an idiot. Maybe Daniel wouldn’t have ever done anything if left to his own devices but why shouldn’t he have taken the opportunity that I presented? After all, I’d gone to him under false pretenses. I’d planned my own revenge.
I wanted to sink into a hole and disappear.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, the apology hopelessly futile.
My dad took a few deep breaths, paced the room. I retreated to the futon, sat cross-legged and pulled a pillow into my lap.
“He asked me out because of you, I know,” I admitted, wishing my father would stop looking at me, that he’d leave the apartment, leave Boston. I wanted to return to my insular world, where nothing real mattered. “I just thought, stupidly thought, things had changed.”
If only I had actually used my relationship to hurt Daniel first. If only I had never given him a chance to use me as a weapon.
I should have broken up with him on Friday, never gone to the Hamptons, never let myself love him. I should have thought of the potential consequences of my actions. I wished I’d never taken that stupid job in the first place.
“Maybe we can fix this.”
“How?” I laughed bitterly. “He didn’t do anything illegal this time.” In fact, he didn’t do anything that was wrong, per se, at all. He’d just seduced me, manipulated me easily, and then used the moment to his advantage. I’d even enjoyed the seduction part. God, I needed to stop. I needed to just tear my head apart so I didn’t have to think. And maybe tear my chest apart, too, so I wouldn’t have to feel.
“Emily.” There was a note of intensity in my father’s voice that made me finally really look at him again, realize he was calmer now and sitting in the other chair, the one that was so rarely used because Leanna always liked the papasan and I, the futon. I had the sudden understanding that this expression I was seeing now on my father’s face was the one he had used for business all those years ago. That he could be as ruthless as Daniel.
Zen was gone. Had it ever truly been there? Was inner peace so easy to shake?
“You must have learned something in all these weeks that we can use.”
Oh no. Nonononono.
“Emily?” In the past weeks I’d learned so much about Daniel, about his quirks and his passions, what interested him and what made him angry. I’d spent hours in his office, watching him at work. I’d loved Daniel and he trusted me. Of course, I knew ways to hurt him.
And now I had the chance to really take revenge. For my father. For myself.
I went cold.
Chapter 16
The persistent knocking woke me out of the fever dreams of depression. I didn’t want to move from under the cocoon of the covers. Didn’t want to see my father, or face the reality of life.
Every moment that went by in which Daniel didn’t call or text seemed to confirm the nefariousness of his actions. I wanted to find some way to forg
ive him, to say: his dad committed suicide, his mom chose a lover and a slow death by pills over him. Of course Daniel had issues. If he called, told me he loved me, made me not feel this horrible, devastating pain, I could forgive him. But the silence hurt worse.
I’d finally fallen in love and everything about it had been one big cliché.
“Em, it’s me.”
Leanna. Who I didn’t particularly want to see either, but I pushed the covers aside, slid out of bed and padded across the floor. As I turned the lock, I fought back the dizziness of sudden movement.
“Come in,” I said quietly, stumbling back to bed. I heard the doorknob swivel, the hinges creak. Felt the rush of air as Leanna walked in. I burrowed beneath the covers and asked her to close the door behind her.
“Em.”
I slid my feet out of the way as Leanna sat on the edge of the bed.
“Did you just get home?”
“No, it’s after eight. Your dad said you’ve been in here for hours.”
“Is he still here?”
“He went for a walk, said he’d bring in Chinese for dinner. Talk to me.”
As I stared at the wall, thought about telling Leanna that I didn’t want to talk, the distinct vibration of my cell phone against the mattress of the bed filled the silence. I snatched it up, and then just as quickly let it drop back down, silencing it as my head relaxed back into the pillow.
“Daniel?” Leanna prodded.
Even his name hurt. Like an endless yearning, a cry for something just beyond reach.
“No. My mother.”
“Ah.”
I sat up, scooted back against the wall and pulled a pillow into my lap. It was embarrassing to admit the stupidity of it all to Leanna. And could I even tell her what my father was asking of me?
“Daniel set everything up, dated me, took me to the Hamptons, just so he could get back at my dad.”
Leanna laughed. “Seriously? You mean at thirty-one, he had as immature an idea as you had?”
“It’s not funny.”
“You guys are made for each other.”
“Leanna, my dad hasn’t worked at anything other than day laboring for nine years. Then, just when he was about to have a chance, the past was dredged up because of those photos and he lost it. Don’t you think it’s a bit convenient?”
Leanna stared, her expression looking like it was caught between disbelief and disgust.
“All of it’s a bit convenient. I mean, how was Daniel to know that you were about to take a job for him? You think he planted that help wanted ad at the counseling office?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Well, exactly. If you think that is ridiculous, think about what you’re saying.”
“I can’t believe you’re defending Daniel!”
Leanna sighed.
“Listen Em, I’m not defending him. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“Life doesn’t make sense,” I pointed out, sliding one knee up, my chest hurting again.
“And you are being a drama queen.”
Her words silenced me. I nodded slowly in begrudging acknowledgement. Part of what ached was knowing that, regardless of Daniel’s culpability, my actions had hurt my dad. I’d been acting thoughtlessly, without any sense of consequence. Playing at games for which I didn’t even know the rules.
“Maybe Daniel didn’t plan everything,” I admitted, torn in so many ways that my thoughts and emotions were a jumbled, confused mess. “That doesn’t change what he did do.”
“OK, let’s assume for a moment that your theory is right, “ Leanna said. “Emily, you were planning revenge too.”
I blinked, hating the wetness of tears but wanting them, needing them. With all the pent-up emotion, the turmoil and pressure inside me, something had to give. “But I gave that up when … ” I shook my head. None of the details mattered because I was sitting here with my chest hollow and aching. “You know what the worst part of it all is, Lee?”
“Yeah,” Leanna said, nodding. “I do.” She tightened her lips and then took a deep breath and confirmed my despair on a sigh. “You love him.”
• • •
On Tuesday morning, I gathered myself into some semblance of a human being. I wasn’t entirely certain how to dress, but I knew this was not just a confrontation; it was the official breakup. For a breakup, a woman needs to look so good that the guy doesn’t want to let her go. And for this particular breakup, I needed to make him to regret choosing revenge over me.
I needed armor.
My new favorite store, Claudine’s, opened at ten. The owner always carried an amazing selection of up-and-coming independent designers, and the sales rack in the back had become my second best resource in the last month, Leanna’s closet being the first.
If Jen, the owner, seemed surprised to see me on her doorstep at 10:01 in the morning, she didn’t show it.
“What are you looking for today?”
“A breakup dress.” The words slipped out before I realized that it was the sort of thing I shouldn’t be admitting to. Yet at the same time, acknowledging it made me feel powerful.
Jen nodded. “I understand completely.”
One hour, ten outfits and a swipe of my credit card later, I stared at myself in the mirror one last time. I looked good and I knew it. The spring green summer dress was one that looked effortless, as if I’d thrown it on to brave the heat of the day, and yet it clung to my body in all the right places.
I could do this.
• • •
The guard at the front desk recognized me, didn’t ask for my ID or if I had an appointment. I stepped inside the elevator, lifted my hand to press the button, to highlight the thirty-second floor. On instinct, I lowered my hand slightly.
Pressed.
30.
The ride felt longer than usual. Every electric whir and shudder of the elevator felt potent, momentous. The cabin came to a stop. The doors opened.
I stepped into the dim light.
Here was where we had conducted so much of our affair. Here was where I’d betrayed my father and myself. Given Daniel all the fodder he needed to hurt us once again.
I flipped open my phone. Texted him.
Then I made my way to the conference room.
Its emptiness, its familiarity, hurt. My chest ached and when I stepped forward, rested my forehead against the cold window, I urged the sensation to numb everything.
I heard the distant ring of the elevator banks, the opening and closing of the heavy metal doors. The footsteps in the hall could only be his.
I straightened, turned.
Even prepared, the sight of him devastated me. Like the room he was familiar, be-suited and sharp. Handsome.
Yet different.
I watched his eyes sweep over me, saw the flicker of appreciation.
“I was going to call you.” Daniel never made excuses, but his words sounded perilously close to one and the weakness strengthened me.
“Just like I was going to call you,” I returned coldly. I was steel and Daniel was a stranger.
“Emily.” He stepped forward, reached for me but I stepped back. I puzzled over that look in his eyes, as if he were hurt that I was cold, as if he wanted everything to still be the same.
“I saw the pictures,” I said, prodding him. Hesitant to say more, to actually break the last remaining thread of closeness between us. Why couldn’t this all be a lie, a dream?
“A bit embarrassing.” He shrugged, held up his hands as if he couldn’t have helped it, as if he hadn’t planned the whole situation. Suddenly I couldn’t bear the tension of what was unsaid.
“You hadn’t had enough? Had your fill of hurting us?” The minutes the words left my mouth, I regretted the attack. I was making accusations for which I had no proof. Maybe there was an explanation …
Except, he looked ashamed, and that small, physical admission of guilt sent a wave of helpless fury through me. Yet still, he said, “Don’t be mad at me. The repor
ter called and I just—”
“Don’t be mad?” I interrupted in disbelief, “My dad lost his final chance at bringing back his life. And you expect me to not be mad?”
He looked bewildered and that made him more of a stranger. Daniel Hartmann was never confused. My fury stilled inside me, humming in my chest, as I held it back out of sudden doubt. Maybe Leanna was right and none of it had been planned. The surge of hope nearly dizzied me and then, equally, disgusted me. How weak was I?
Daniel hadn’t planned this the way he hadn’t planned to send my father to jail nine years ago.
Why would he look guilty if he hadn’t done anything? Anger surged through me again. It felt better than the pain. Than the weakness of loving him.
“What does your father have to—”
“The job for Trueworth? You planned this all just to keep my father down.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t you? You didn’t use me to get to him?” The confusion seemed to be fading from his face and as it did, bitterness flooded me. Was confirmation of my suspicions worse?
“I didn’t even know about it.”
“You told me you didn’t lie,” I said, the words hard and quiet, controlled.
“Listen, Emily—”
But I wasn’t in the mood to listen, not to excuses.
“Why did you take me to the Hamptons?”
He opened his mouth to speak but I didn’t wait.
“You wanted to show me off, right? You wanted pictures of us, gossip. You wanted to hurt my father in every way you could.”
He closed his mouth, looked down, and I thought I could see guilt in that closed expression. He was stood just a yard away but it felt as if there were miles between us.
“It’s your fault just as much as mine, Emily. If you wanted to keep our relationship secret, you didn’t have to come with me. You’re too naïve, too young.”
Disgust flooded me. He’d said that all along, used it as an excuse to push me away. Naïve, young—he was right; I was both of those things.
“You knew that. But I’m not the immature one.”
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