“I don’t understand.”
“It’s possible something occurred that released a childhood trauma. She won’t discuss it because she doesn’t believe it’s related to what happened in Afghanistan.”
“Will it create a problem at home?”
“I don’t know and, frankly, I’m reluctant to let her remain at home more than a day or two. Because I don’t know what might trigger an outburst, I think she should return to the center the day after Christmas at the latest.”
Lauren frowned. “Have you confronted her about it?”
“We don’t usually use the confrontational approach. Patients accept a memory and deal with it better if they divulge it voluntarily,” Chambers explained.
“So Athon could be here until hell freezes over while you wait for her to tell you about this so-called childhood memory? Am I supposed to walk on egg shells until that happens, if it ever does?” Lauren’s voice had risen, driven by frustration. Neither she nor Chambers heard Athon approach the waiting area.
“Not arguing over me, I hope,” she said calmly.
Lauren stood and said, “As a matter of fact, we were.”
“I’m doing better, I thought. I know I still have a lot to learn about what’s going on in here,” she said, tapping the side of her head. “But I’m working on it.”
Lauren sighed. “I know you are, sweetie.” Her eyes flashed as she glared at Chambers. “The doctor thinks there’s something you’re refusing to talk about or deal with. Something from your childhood.” When Lauren saw the look on Athon’s face, she knew it was true. “What is it, Athon? Please.”
“There’s nothing. I swear,” Athon protested, not able to look Lauren in the eyes.
Lauren saw perspiration pop out on Athon’s forehead despite the chilliness of the room. “You’re lying,” she stated bluntly.
The expression on Athon’s face changed and she shouted, “You don’t need to know. I can handle it!”
“Apparently not!” Lauren shouted back, taking a step closer to Athon, who was clenching her fists tightly against her thighs.
Chambers stood and nodded toward the reception desk. Lauren saw the receptionist pick up the phone and speak rapidly into the mouthpiece.
“Back off, Lauren,” Athon warned. “You were here a couple of days ago, acting all lovey-dovey, like you fuckin’ gave a shit about me. You’re the liar! I trusted you!”
“Unless you tell me everything, I can’t trust you!” She took a step closer. “Do you think I want to walk around afraid to say anything because it might set you off?” Another step. “Do you think I want to go to bed every damn night afraid of what you might do?” Another step. “Do you know what it feels like to be pushed away by your lover? Or be treated like a damn whore?” Lauren lowered her voice. “Tonight I was going to take you home. Tomorrow night we were going to celebrate Christmas together for the first time in two years. I had every intention of making love to you with nothing on but the lights of our tree. I want you so much it hurts to even think about it. I want you back whatever it costs.”
Tears flooded down Athon’s face as Lauren took the last step to take her in her arms. “Tell me, sweetheart, so we can both be whole again.”
“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” Athon mumbled.
“Make it your gift to me this Christmas, baby,” Lauren whispered as she held Athon against her. “You deserve to be free of whatever’s tormenting you.”
“I can’t stand for you to see me as weak,” Athon sobbed.
Two armed security officers entered the waiting area quickly. Chambers held a hand up, stopping them before they interrupted the scene. They stepped back, but remained nearby. Lauren leaned back slightly and used her hand to wipe the tears from Athon’s face. She smiled and said, “Is there somewhere Athon and I can talk without everyone listening in.” She placed her arm around Athon's waist and followed Chambers down a hallway. He opened a door and allowed the two women to enter alone.
Lauren sat in one of two upholstered chairs and waited for Athon to sit. But Athon wandered aimlessly around the room for a few moments. She didn’t look at Lauren when she finally spoke.
“I was sound asleep,” she said in a voice that was barely audible.
“When?” Lauren asked.
“I don’t know exactly. I was nine or ten, I guess.”
“Where were you, honey?”
“Some dump where me and Michelle were squatting.” Athon laughed harshly. “We always lived in a dump, sharing space with cockroaches. Probably an abandoned trailer. Michelle could always find one of those.”
“Were you there by yourself?”
“Usually. Most nights Michelle brought some asshole home with her that she’d fuck for a few bucks. That night wasn’t any different except the asshole she dragged home was Hank.”
“Your father?”
“According to her. But since she didn’t keep score, who knows.” Athon sniffed, ran her hand under her nose, and sighed.
Lauren started to ask another question, but Athon closed her eyes, as if seeing what was in her mind, and continued. “They must have been drinking and threw the bottle against a wall when it was empty. I heard it break. It woke me up. I smelled something pungent, but sweet. Might have been a joint. They laughed and then Michelle’s squeaky bed hit the wall, over and over and over while they fucked. I don’t know how long that went on and tried to block it out so I could go back to sleep.” Athon turned, still not looking at Lauren and slumped into the other chair. “I think I dozed off for a while. Then I heard them arguing. Hank must have slapped her and she hollered. Something hit the wall of my room and I heard another slap and loud voices. I worked my way under the covers, afraid to breathe.” She leaned forward and rubbed her hands over her face. “Michelle taught me to stick a chair under the knob on my door. You know, just in case.” Athon barked out a laugh and shook her head. “Just in case. She never told me in case of what, just in case. When that door exploded off its cheesy hinges, it scared me half to death.” She laughed again. “Guess that must have been the just in case.” Athon’s face twisted for a moment. Lauren covered her mouth as Athon went on. “Hands reached under the covers and grabbed my hair. I tried to knock them away, but hell, I only weighed about fifty pounds. Hank outweighed me by at least one-fifty. I grabbed his wrist and he jerked me from under the covers, then shook me off like I was a bug. I was scared and breathing like I’d run a mile. He was so damn drunk. I’d never smelled anything so bad and gagged. His chest was sweaty and hairy. The hair was all stuck together.
“Over his shoulder I saw what I thought was my salvation. Michelle was standing in the doorway staring at me. She had a cigarette in her hand and took a drag before stepping on my bed and dropping down next to me. I grabbed her hand wanting her to protect me. I was sure Hank was going to beat me. She shushed me and said, ‘It’ll be over soon.’ I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. What would be over soon? Then...then...” Athon stopped and cleared her throat, looking around for something to drink.
Lauren looked in her purse and breathed a sigh of relief as she pulled out the half full bottle of water she’d brought with her when she left the house. Athon took it and chugged the remainder, letting the water dribble from the sides of her mouth.
Athon cleared her throat again and a new rush of tears ran down her cheeks. “Then I felt the pain stabbing into my body. I felt like I was being ripped apart. I wanted to scream, but Michelle put her hand over my mouth to muffle the sound. I pushed against Hank to get away, make the burning pain stop, but his weight was crushing me. I couldn’t breathe except to take small, shallow breaths through my nose because of Michelle’s hand over my mouth. Hank’s grunting and the smell of him made me sick. I thought I was going to die in that filthy trailer. Finally, Michelle did the motherly thing and smacked Hank on the top of his head, telling him he’d done enough. He looked up and grinned at Michelle, then rolled off of me. I was crying from the pain and sucking in dee
p breaths when his weight was gone. He managed to get his fat ass up, looked down at his dick, all covered with blood, and laughed. ‘I popped that little cherry real good,’ he said. They staggered out of my room, shut the door as much as they could, and left me there. I didn’t move all night and most of the next day. My whole body ached, but I couldn’t move my legs and peed on the mattress. It burned and I stifled a scream, afraid he’d come back. I’m not sure when they left. Michelle didn’t bother to kiss me goodbye,” Athon said with a harsh sound that might have been an attempt to laugh. “I crawled to the bathroom. Didn’t make it to school until the next week. I guess I figured if I never talked about it, it would be like it never happened.” Her face crumpled as she sobbed out, “Guess I was wrong.”
Lauren fell to her knees in front of Athon and soothed her as she sobbed out the pain she’d been holding inside for nearly thirty years. Athon’s lips trembled when she tried to hold back the flood of emotions. “Then those assholes who had me threatened to rape me to death. They were hairy and stunk like Hank. They covered my mouth and nose and gave me their version of water boarding. I couldn’t breathe. I was trying to think of a way to kill myself when Frank found me.” She picked her head up and stared at Lauren. “I couldn’t have stopped them from doing what Hank did and couldn’t go through that again.”
Lauren held her tightly. “You’re safe now, baby. I have you.”
“I...I can’t go home,” Athon sobbed.
“You’re home as long as I’m holding you in my arms, sweetheart.”
Athon raised red-rimmed eyes to search Lauren’s face. “You mean it?”
“Forever and always, remember?”
“I was weak.”
“You were a helpless child, Athon.”
“I’m so tired, Lauren.”
There was a tap at the door and Chambers stuck his head inside. Lauren looked over her shoulder as she held Athon close. “She’s exhausted,” she said.
When they got Athon back to her room, Lauren undressed her and helped her into bed, pulling the covers over her. She held her until she was sure Athon was asleep before kissing her on the forehead and slipping out of the room. Chambers was waiting for her at the nurse’s station.
“She’ll sleep well tonight,” he said. “Probably for the first time in many, many months.”
“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Lauren said. “I hated doing that to her. Do you think it helped" ?
“Just being able to vocalize it helps. And now that we know the connection between her childhood and what happened in Afghanistan, we can work on finding a coping skill for her. It’s late. I’ll walk you to your car,” Chambers offered. “I have to admit, Ms. Shelton, you really surprised me today. I’ve never seen that side of you before.”
“I’m a school administrator, Dr. Chambers. It’s not easy to scare me.” Before she stepped out of the building she added, “This is the second time I’ve lost her and I hope it will be the last.”
ATHON SPENT ALMOST a month at the rehabilitation center, learning coping mechanisms that might be useful if she found herself losing control or facing circumstances that rekindled her memories. Those techniques, along with an array of medications, traveled to Duvalle with her when Lauren came for her. She was surprised at the number of personal belongings she had accumulated. Lauren packed everything, except her personal journal. It had proven to be a very effective means of therapy. She could write anything in the journal. It never judged her and served as a relief valve for her thoughts. Perhaps one day she would allow Lauren to read them to understand thoughts that made her angry, sad, happy, or afraid. Within its pages, Athon had written many letters to Lauren, attempting to convey her frustration. She wanted to be close to her again, but thought Lauren wouldn’t want her because she was weak. She knew it wasn’t true, but hadn’t been able to overcome it and couldn’t tell Lauren what she needed. Very little conversation passed between them on the drive home. The weather was chilly and rainy. Not exactly a cheerful time of year.
“I made chili this morning. Thought it would be good on a day like today,” Lauren said.
“Sounds good,” Athon commented. She concentrated on watching mist gather on the windshield and form heavy drops that would eventually run down the glass, leaving a clean trail. It became a game to guess where the next droplet would form. She played the game in her head until Lauren paused to turn into their driveway.
Lauren walked to the back of her car and opened the trunk while Athon moved to the front of the carport and looked around the property. She barely remembered the last time she’d been here. Without a word, she turned her coat collar up and walked into the field behind the house. In the distance she could see where the old camper still rested. It had been her sanctuary against everything.
LAUREN PICKED UP Athon’s duffle bag and a paper bag filled with miscellaneous personal items. She watched Athon cross the field and enter the old camper. It was where they had first kissed. It was where Athon always went when she needed...something. What did she need now?
Lauren opened the front door and carried Athon’s things into their bedroom. Their bedroom. It hadn’t been their bedroom for a long time. It was the room they both slept in, the room where Athon... She took a deep breath and unzipped the duffle. As she took out each item, her anger began to grow until she was grabbing items and slamming them into drawers. She finally stopped and covered her eyes with a shaky hand. Athon had taken her as if she were nothing more than a possession and then rolled away, leaving Lauren feeling used, violated. She had endured it to prevent another possible outburst. Now she was unpacking Athon’s belongings like nothing had ever happened. She felt as much a victim as Athon was.
Lauren walked out the back door and stood under the protection of the porch. She wiped her face before stepping into the rain and making her way across the wide field toward the old camper shell. She paused before opening the door and going inside. Water dripped from her hair and ran down her face. Athon turned and looked at her before opening a storage cabinet and taking out a towel. She moved in front of Lauren and draped the towel over her head, gently patting her hair to absorb the water. Lauren took the towel from her and wiped her clothes.
“I’m angry,” Lauren said.
“I know,” Athon said softly. “I’ve put you through a lot.”
“What are we going to do about it? I can’t live in fear, Athon.” Lauren shook her head. “That’s wrong. I can, but I won’t. Not anymore. It hurts too damn much. I want my Athon Dailey back.”
“I wish I could give her to you.”
“Me too.” Lauren looked around the interior of the camper and a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. “This was her safe place. When she came here, there was nothing that could hurt her.” Lauren stepped closer to the cab-over bunk. She ran a hand over the mattress cover. “I kissed her for the first time in here. I fell asleep safe in her arms. This was where I was going to make love to her for the first time. My father ruined that trying to save my soul.” She chuckled. “If he only knew.” She lowered her head to the mattress and took a deep breath. “It still smells like her.”
Lauren stood up straighter when she felt Athon’s hands come to rest on her shoulders. “Don’t,” she said. The hands slipped off and Lauren could feel the space between them grow cooler. She stared at the mattress for a moment longer, then turned and found the blue of Athon’s eyes. “I’ve missed her so very much.” Her hand caressed Athon’s cheek.
Athon stepped closer, taking Lauren’s hand and bringing it to her mouth. “Please don’t be afraid of me,” she said.
Lauren wrapped her arms around Athon’s neck, holding her tightly. “Just hold me, baby,” she whispered. “I know you’re in there.”
Athon crawled onto the mattress and held a hand out to Lauren. When Lauren joined her, Athon rested an arm around her waist. Lauren felt her body relax and closed her eyes. She was sixteen again.
Lauren didn’t know how long she’d been asleep when a loud
boom of thunder woke her. Periodically, a flash of lightning illuminated the inside of the camper and Athon’s arm was no longer draped over her body. Lauren rolled over and saw Athon pressed against the wall of the camper, her eyes wide.
“It’s all right, honey,” Lauren said calmly. “The storm will pass.”
“I’m sorry. I’m trying.”
Lauren reached out. “I know. Come here.”
Athon slowly moved closer and Lauren ran a hand through her sweat-covered hair. Her clothes were damp and she was shivering. Without speaking, Lauren brought Athon’s shirt up and over her head. She unfastened Athon’s bra and opened a cabinet over the bed to pull down a blanket. She tucked it around Athon’s body and drew her closer. She kissed her forehead and stroked her back through the blanket. Athon buried her face against Lauren’s neck. A few minutes later, she kissed the side of Lauren’s neck and pushed onto her elbow. Athon’s hand moved up Lauren’s abdomen and stopped short of her breasts.
“Don’t stop,” Lauren breathed as her hands found their way into Athon’s hair and she tilted her neck to give Athon more skin to tease.
Athon lifted her body over Lauren’s. She shifted her mouth to cover Lauren’s, her tongue searching her mouth. Athon pulled away and straddled Lauren’s body to pull her shirt and bra off together. Lauren raised her hips and struggled to remove her slacks.
“You’re so beautiful,” Athon said, her hands running down Lauren’s sides, her thumbs stroking over the dark, hardening nipples. “God, I want you so much.”
Lauren smiled and sat up enough to run her hands up Athon’s back and flip her over.
“You’re safe with me,” she said softly as she kissed Athon for the first time in months.
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