“How do I know you’re not lying? How do I know you’re not coming back for me? Do you know what you did to me? You were my hero. I loved you so fucking much. I didn’t care that Mom left us as long as I still had you. You took my childhood away from me. You shattered my dreams, my heart, and my soul. How could you? How could you do that to a child that you were supposed to protect from the evil in the world? Do you remember when you told me about all the bad men out there, the ones that would take me away from you if I wasn’t careful? YOU were one of those men. The monsters weren’t luring outside. It was right in our fucking house. It was you. You got it right – I’ll never forgive you. I won’t ever forget what you took from me. I couldn’t if I tried. It’s burned into my fucking brain. It haunts my dreams. It keeps me from fully trusting Seth with my heart. Do you know what it means to be a shell of the person you once were? Do you know what it’s like to feel like a freak? To feel like you’ll never fit in? It’s your fault, yours alone. Nothing will ever change that. If you think your apologies change anything you are wrong. What is this shit about a letter from my mother? What does she want from me? Bring me down too?”
“I contacted her when I got out. I went to Kansas where she lives with her family now. If my parole officer finds out, I’ll probably go back to jail, but I needed to see you both. I needed the closure. I wanted to know why she left us all those years ago. She asked about you and I told her partially about what I did. I’m pretty sure if she could have she would’ve killed me. She gave me a letter to give to you. No matter what, Faith, know that your mother has always loved you. Here’s the letter. I don’t know what it contains. Unless you’re going to call the police, I’ll leave now and never come back. I mean it, you’re free of me.”
I think about it for a minute. I could call the cops and have him put back in prison. He’d be gone at least for three years, but he’d get out again. Either way, he will at some point be a free man again.
“Let him go, Seth. If you ever so much as look at me or anyone close to me ever again, I will have you put back in prison. No hesitation. Don’t ever forget that.”
“Thank you, Faith.” When he walks away he shoots one more defeated look at me. For a moment I think he’s going to say something else, but he decides otherwise. When he’s out of sight I slump to the ground. All the emotions break out of me and I sob like a little child.
“Shhh... It’s okay, Faith. He will never hurt you again. I’m so proud of you. You didn’t back down from him.”
“Why do I not feel strong then? I don’t know if I can trust him never to come back. I feel like I just made a mistake by letting him go. Then this fucking letter. What am I supposed to do?”
“If he comes back I’ll be here. I’ll always protect you, no matter what. About the letter... I think you should see what she has to say. Maybe it’ll bring you some closure. Let’s go inside.” He lifts me up and carries me into the house. He sits me down on the couch before he goes to the kitchen. When he returns he has a big glass of wine in his hand which he offers to me. I take it and gulp most of it down. I let the warmth of the alcohol spread through my body. The letter is in front of me on the coffee table.
“I’m not sure if I’m ready. What can she possibly say to redeem herself?” I pick the letter up with two fingers, holding it up as if it were poisonous.
“Do you want me to read it to you? Would that make it easier?” Seth offers.
“Would you really do that for me?”
“Of course.”
“Okay.” I take another sip from my wine. I need the liquid courage.
Seth’s deep voice fills the room when he starts reading my mother’s words to me.
The dam breaks again. I’m a crying disaster. All these years there was no sign of my mom. She just disappeared. Now I find out that she wanted to come back but was scared? What the fuck? So much could’ve been different. But she chose the easy way out because of fear. I have two brothers. I actually have family. Almost all my life I wondered why my mom didn’t love me enough to stick around. I’m not sure if her letter makes it any better.
I get up as if I’m in a trance and walk to the bedroom. I curl up into a ball on the bed. Just a few moments later Seth follows and pulls me into his arms, gently stroking my back, soothing me.
“No matter what you decide to do, we’ll do it together. We’re a team. We can do this.”
Even with all the hurt, betrayal, and fear I’m battling right now, I know that Seth is right. Together we’ll conquer it all.
Chapter 21
Faith
It has been two weeks since the encounter with Cory. My nightmares have been more prominent than ever since I came face to face with the man who ruined my childhood and would forever haunt me. I have no idea how to move on from this. He says that he won’t come for me, but I don’t know if I can believe him or not. He broke my trust before and I fear that he will do it again. If you’ve been hurt, used, taken advantage of the way I have, you’re cautious. The pain my father inflicted on me will never leave me. On top of everything I don’t know how I feel about my mom wanting to be back in my life. She abandoned me and left me with the monster, but yet I find myself wanting to seek her out, ask her questions, and find out why she never came for me. I’ve read her letter what feels like a million times. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she let fear stop her from seeing her daughter. So much could’ve been different if she wouldn’t have given up on her family. How could she walk away from someone she claims to have loved?
“Hey, sweetie, how are you doing?” Shannon interrupts my train of thought. Today is my first day back at work and I’m still adjusting.
“I’m okay. I’m just trying to get back into my routine. I’m catching up on all my emails right now. I’ll be up and running in no time.” I smile at her. Shannon is a good person. She always has our best interest at heart. I know my whole situation got to her and I wish I could’ve spared her the details. I know now thought that Seth made the right choice in filling her in. If I would’ve been at work while I was still in the dark about where my father was I would’ve driven myself crazy.
“Good. Take your time. If you need anything at all, you let me know. I might be your boss, but I’m here for you.”
“Thank you, Shannon. I really appreciate that and everything you have done in the past weeks for me.”
“No problem at all, dear. You always come first. Job second. I gotta go now, I have a meeting with a client in a bit. Let me know if you need anything.”
“Will do.” I get back to work once Shannon leaves my office. I spend the next hours catching up on all my emails and bringing myself up to speed on where we are with new publications. Without even noticing the work day has come and gone. I close out all of my windows and decide to get some Chinese takeout before going home. Walking outside I’m picked up and whirled around. I didn’t expect Seth to be here at all.
“Hey, Peach, I’ve missed you today.”
“You scared the shit out of me, but I’ve missed you too. I didn’t think you’d come to pick me up. I was just gonna head to the Chinese place and get something for dinner.”
“Sounds good to me. At least then I don’t have to slave in the kitchen.” I laugh at him. My cooking skills have still not improved so he has more or less taken on the role of being the chef.
“How were your meetings today? Anything new on when you can get out of the army?”
“They were long. I still don’t see any progress, but as long as I don’t get sent out on a deployment I’m okay with it. I don’t mind doing work on base, it’s easy.”
“Did you see your counselor today?” Seth has been talking to a counselor for a while now to help with what happened to him in Afghanistan. I feel selfish for leaning on him so much with all my stuff when he should’ve been able to lean on me as well. I fully intended to make up for that now.
“Yes, I did. I see her again in two days. She also said that if you ever want to attend one o
f the sessions with me that you could.”
“That would be nice. I want to be there for you and help you with your demons like you help me with mine. I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you more.”
“You don’t have to apologize, sweetheart. Just you being by my side is healing enough. We’ll make it through all this.” He kisses me on the cheek and walks me to his car.
After we pick up dinner, we’re finally headed home. Once we arrive I change into a pair of comfy yoga pants and join Seth on the couch. He’s watching Sons of Anarchy, one of our favorite shows.
“Have you thought more about what you’re going to do about your mom?” We’ve talked about this on and off and I know sooner or later I have to make a decision.
“Part of me wants to see her and know why she did what she did. The other part says fuck her. She doesn’t deserve a chance to explain everything. I’m so lost. All those years I hoped she would come back for me and now that she is somewhat back I don’t know what to do. I needed her. I needed her so much. What mother abandons her daughter? Who does that?” I’m close to tears – this whole situation is wearing on me. This is a situation I never thought I’d find myself in. I believed my mom just fell off the face of the earth and would never return. Why now?
“I know, love. For all it’s worth, I think you should talk to her. Maybe you’ll finally find the closure you need. I’m not saying you should forgive her, just talk to her, ask the questions you need answered and go from there. You deserve that.”
I contemplate his words. He is right – maybe I could finally put this behind me once and for all. I’m tired of my past catching up with me all the time. I just want to move on and live a normal life. Well, as normal as it could possibly be, given the circumstances. I’ll never be able forget what happened to me and will forever carry the scars within me but I’m ready to close that chapter.
“I think you’re right. I’ll call her. Matter of fact, I think I’ll do it now. I’m not flying to Kansas though. If she wants a chance to explain herself she needs to come here.” I braced myself as I got up to get her business card.
Gina Holden
Human Resources
Cell: 555-455-2345
Office: 555-321-1428 Ext. 223
With shaking hands I dial her number. Seth is right beside me with his arms wrapped around me. The phone rings twice when she picks up and I hear my mom’s voice for the first time in twenty years.
“Hello?” I’m at a loss for words. I have no idea what even to say to her. All my emotions threaten to spill over.
“Katherine? Is that you?” I almost hang up when Seth squeezes my hand. I draw my strength from him and finally manage to answer her.
“Faith. It’s Faith.”
“Of course. I’m sorry. I’m so glad you called. I’ve been waiting but I figured you needed time.” She sniffles. Is she crying? Awkward silence fills the conversation. I still don’t know what I’m doing. Why did I call her again?
“Faith, I know you must be so mad at me. I wish I could turn back time. I’d make it all go away.”
“It’s too late for that now, don’t you think?” I don’t mean for that to sound as cold, but I can’t deny that I’m angry.
“Yes and I’m so terribly sorry. I had no idea. I still don’t know the extent of it. If you just let me explain.”
“I don’t think this is a conversation I want to have over the phone, Gina.”
“I agree. How do you want to do this? Do you want to fly out here? You could meet your brothers.”
“No. I think you should come here. It’s the least you can do in my opinion.” I hear her swallow on the other end. I don’t know what she expected, but clearly she couldn’t have possibly thought that everything would go back to how it was before she left.
“You’re right. I’ll check into flights and let you know how soon I can be there. Savannah, right?”
“Yes. This is my number, so you can reach me on it. Gina?”
“Yes?”
“This doesn’t mean I forgive you for what you did. I need answers and closure. Please don’t come here thinking everything will be forgotten and we’ll have the best mother/daughter relationship ever. I’m furious with you, but I’m willing to give you a chance to explain.”
“I know I made mistakes and I don’t expect you to understand why I did what I did. All I want is a chance to tell you everything. I never meant to hurt you, Faith. I completely understand your anger. I will do my best to prove to you that I want to be part of your life. I’ll also accept if you choose not to have anything to do with me. We’re doing this on your terms. I’m just glad you’re even giving me the time of day. I’ll get back to you on the flights.”
“Okay. Text me when you know when you’ll be here. I’ll arrange for someone to pick you up at the airport. Talk to you later.”
“Thank you, Faith.”
I hang up the phone and slump back into the sofa. I’m not sure how much more I can handle before I break completely. Talking to my mom after so long is doing its number on me.
“Why is my life so fucked up? Can’t things just be normal for once?”
Seth turns me around and starts massaging my shoulders. I relax into him letting all the stress and emotions fall off of me.
“It’s going to be okay, Peach. You have me. I won’t ever let you deal with all this alone.”
“What would I do without you? I love you so much, Seth. You’re my anchor when I think the world is closing in on me. I just hope I can do the same for you. We will face our demons together. You and me against the world; Forever.”
“Forever, love. I’ll never stop loving you.”
One week later Seth and I are on the way to the airport to pick up my mother. My nerves are completely shot. I have no idea what I’m going to say to her, much less how to act around her. As we head down some back roads I realize how much life compares to dirt roads. Life isn’t a straight path. It’s a winding and dirty road. Our destination is unknown but the journey can be fun and challenging. No matter how challenging the meeting with my mom might be today, in the end, I know I’ll come out stronger. I’ll eventually find my happiness again and have fun living my life. I can’t let my past keep me from living. I have let it control me for too long.
Seth parks at the airport. It’s almost time now.
“Are you ready?”
“As ready as I’ll be. Thank you for coming with me.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” He walks around the car and opens the door for me. He grabs my hand while we walk to the arrival lounge.
“You’ve got this, Peach. You’re strong and this is just another step in putting it all behind you. I’m so proud of you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
We wait for twenty minutes when I spot her. I recognize her immediately. She hasn’t changed much over the years, even though she has aged. I slowly walk towards her when our eyes connect. Recognition washes over her face.
“Faith, oh how beautiful you are,” she says when she reaches us. “And who’s this handsome fella?”
“This is Seth, my boyfriend. Let’s find somewhere where we can talk, shall we?”
Once we’re all back in the car we’re surrounded by awkward silence.
“How was your flight?” Seth finally breaks the tension. I’d be lost without him.
“It was okay. I haven’t flown in so long, I was a bit nervous. But I got used to it quickly. So, what is it that you do for a living?”
“I’m a soldier in the U.S. Army. I’m working on getting out though and then I think I’m going back to school to become a cop.”
“That’s wonderful. Thank you for your service. What about you, Faith? What do you do for a living?”
“Umm... I work as publicist for a huge publishing company. I work with authors, musicians, and sometimes actors.”
“That’s awesome. I bet that’s a lot of fun.”
“It i
s, but it’s also very stressful. I wouldn’t change it for the world though. I love my job.”
Seth pulls up in front of our house. I look at him skeptically. I hadn’t planned on bringing my mother here.
“I figured it’d be best if we talk in private. With everything that has happened I think it’s best if we aren’t in public. If this gets too much for Faith, I’m bringing you to your hotel, Gina. I have only her best interest at heart.”
I love him even more in that moment. He’s right. I have a feeling this conversation will be very emotional and the last thing I want is to break down in public.
“Of course, I’ll leave if it gets too much. As I said before, this is all on Faith’s terms. I won’t take this chance for granted.”
I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I guess I’ll treat it like a Band-Aid and get it over with. Hopefully meeting with my mother will bring me the closure I didn’t know I needed so desperately. Maybe once I get it all out in the open Seth and I can move forward and never look back.
Uncovering Peace Page 16