Spurs & Stilettos

by Johnson, Ashley

  This feels awkward. For the first time in weeks, I’m sleeping in my own bed. Alone. The events of the night still upset me but I’m determined to move past it. Coming to stay here was probably the best thing I could have done. I have time to clear my mind. If I had gone back to stay with Wesley, it would have been one big constant fight and neither of us wants that. We would have been more prone to say things we would end up regretting and I never want to regret him. After I shower I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling counting the blades on the ceiling fan. My phone buzzes and I grab it off my nightstand.

  Wesley: This bed is empty without you tonight. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I miss you.

  I reply with a simple I miss you too before I succumb to sleep. Sleep isn’t such a bad place to be, in my sleep I can relax and try to pretend this day never happened but no matter what, it keeps creeping back in and the hurt begins again.

  *********

  I slept horribly but nothing a little coffee can’t fix. I sip on a cup as I begin to get dressed. Today I’m going to see Mr. Collins at the firm and hopefully I’ll be able to start back today or tomorrow. I love my job, it completely sucked not being able to go in but at the same time I greatly appreciate him being so understanding when Wesley was injured. Since none of my pants fit, I decide to wear my baby pink dress with my brown sandals. My hair is semi-straight hanging loosely down my back.

  Amber smiles at me when she sees me. “Well good morning gorgeous. It’s good to see you here in the mornings, I’ve missed this.”

  “Me too.” I smile. “I’m going to talk to Mr. Collins and this afternoon Wesley is coming over so we can actually sit down and talk this through.”

  “It’s going to be just fine Hope. I’ve got to get going, I’ll see you this evening.”

  It’s odd to be driving to work but I missed it so much. I miss seeing the riverwalk and I miss the café I eat lunch at. I walk into the firm with my head held high. So far, the morning is going great. I’m not dwelling on yesterday, this is a new day and Wesley and I will work through this.

  “Hope, look at your little belly! How cute!” Bailey squeals pulling me in for a hug. The last time they saw me I wasn’t even pregnant yet so this is definitely news. “We’ve missed you here. Is Wesley all better?”

  “He’s doing just fine. He’s healed and better than ever.” I gulp nervously before shifting the conversation. “Is Mr. Collins in his office?”

  “He is, and he’ll be glad to see you.” She smiles before walking over to her desk.

  I knock lightly on the open door. Mr. Collins looks towards me smiling, motioning me inside. “Hope, it’s great to see you. How is everything?”

  “Everything is great Mr. Collins. Thank you so much for allowing me to take the time off but if possible I’m ready to come back to work.”

  I shift nervously in my seat waiting for his answer. He smiles kindly as he closes a window on his computer. “I completely understand Hope. Of course you may start back whenever you please. You’re a great worker and we’ve missed you.”

  I let out a sigh of relief and am actually able to fully smile. This day is looking up and the icing on the cake will be when I see Wesley later. “I’d like to start back today if I can. I’m ready.”

  “Wonderful! Take these files and go through them for me if you don’t mind. It’s good to have you back Hope. Oh and by the way, congratulations.” My belly must be sticking out like a sore thumb.

  I smile taking the files from his hands. I feel productive again. I go sit at the desk I haven’t sat in for weeks. Everything looks the same. My computer takes a minute to boot up so I continue to rememorize everything on my desk. My eyes catch the card from the last daisies Wesley sent me before he got hurt. Seeing it still brings a huge smile to my face. I run my fingers over the words and find myself even more anxious to see him later. Before I know it, lunch time has arrived.

  I make my way down to my favorite café. I sit down and enjoy a bowl of broccoli and cheese soup. It’s the little things like this that I missed so much. I savor each and every bite and feel like I’m ready to pop when I’m done.

  The rest of the work day goes by quickly. I glance at my computer to find it’s time to go home. Wesley should be there about the time I arrive and I can’t wait to see him. After being with him every single minute of every single day, this is different. I can get over this little issue, I know I can.

  I tell Mr. Collins and Bailey bye before walking out to my car. My first day back at work was productive and I’m glad to be back. I don’t see Amber’s car when I pull up, I assume she’s with Nate so Wesley and I can talk. My purse and keys land on the table with a thud as I make my way over to the couch. I grab the remote and begin mindlessly flipping through the channels while I wait. I place my hand over my little baby bump making myself comfortable. I really hope we can work everything out but part of me still worries about him missing out on things. I want to see the smile on his face when our baby crawls for the first time, I want to feel what he’s feeling but I’m not sure we’ll see those things together. I’m worrying myself to death with my thoughts. I don’t want him to see me all frazzled and cause another argument.

  I get into some movie on Lifetime when my phone rings. I have to drag myself off the couch to grab my phone out of my purse. The pace of my heart quickens when I see his name on my phone. I’m a little puzzled though, because I thought he’d be here by now.

  My phone rings one more time before I answer. I’m nervous although I’m not sure why. Hearing his voice sends chills down my spine. I forget what the sound of his voice over the phone does to me. I’d rather him in person, but I know he’ll be here soon.

  “Hey Wes, I’m home just waiting for you to come by so we can talk.”

  “How was your day? Did you get to go back to work?” He asks. He changes the subject which throws me for a loop. Something is wrong.

  “Uh, yeah. I worked today it was great to be back. I missed it.”

  “I missed you too, sweetheart.” He whispers into the phone. I’m getting this real uneasy feeling that I can’t quite shake. He should have been here by now, not calling me on the phone. This isn’t how I want to discuss things.

  “Are you on your way?” I ask curiously. My palms are clamming up, I wipe them nervously on my dress.

  “Hope, something came up.” His voice cracks and I prepare myself for what he’s about to say. I hear him sigh before he continues, “Hank called me this morning and wants me in Denton early in the morning. He wants me to bring Bandit and have us practice. I guess you could say he wants to see if I’m ready to compete again.”

  I can’t speak, there are no words. “Hope? Are you there? Sweetheart, I had no idea about this until today I swear to you. I’ll call him back and tell him I can’t go.”

  “Stop Wesley. How long?” I ask knowing I really don’t want to hear the answer.

  “I don’t know.” He whispers.

  “What do you mean you don’t know Wesley?” I speak evenly without cracking. I’m proud of myself because on the inside I’m falling apart.

  “This is who I am Hope. This is what I do. You knew this. I don’t know how long, he didn’t say. I don’t know what to tell you.” He replies with a strained voice.

  “I don’t like not knowing when you are coming home Wesley. I don’t like worrying about you that’s all. I’m carrying our child, that’s enough to worry about. I’m truly scared you’re going to miss everything. I want you there when we’re supposed to find out what we’re having but you won’t be there, will you?” I ask through tears.

  “I want to be there Hope. I’ll do whatever I can. I won’t miss it, you have to believe me. Trust me I want to be there with you right now so bad. Last night should have never happened and I’m sorry.”

  My heart is beating so wildly I’m afraid it will beat right out of my chest. He’s really leaving again. He just got released and Hank is taking him away from me. Tears flow freely down my face and
I do nothing to stop them. I thought I knew pain last night, but this cuts so much deeper. At least yesterday I knew he was at his house, tonight he’s leaving and neither one of us knows when we’ll see each other again. That confirms the fear I’ve had all along: I’ll be going through this pregnancy alone.

  Chapter 32

  I sit up on the couch when I hear Amber walk in. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying there staring at the TV. My eyes feel heavy from all the crying and I’m completely numb. I don’t hear her walk up to me, and she doesn’t say a word. The cushion sinks beside me and her arms wrap around me. My head lies on her shoulder and the tears come back.

  “Hope, what happened?”

  “He left,” I sob. “His manager called and he left. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Shh. It’s ok. I’m here, it’s all going to be ok. When’s he going to be back?”

  I keep my head on my shoulder, if I look her in the eyes the tears will never stop. “He said he didn’t know.”

  She holds me until I’m calm. My head is starting to pound and all I want to do now is lie in my bed and throw the covers over my head. Maybe I can forget this happened.

  “I can’t imagine what this feels like for you, but I’d take this pain away in a heartbeat if I could.” She states quietly.

  “I know Amb.”

  I never imagined this would have been in the cards for me. I never thought anything could hurt this badly, but it does and it sucks.

  “You want to watch a movie or something? I’m up for anything you want to do Hope.” I finally pull my head off her shoulder and look at her. She wipes the tears off my face with the pad of her thumb and I give her a weak smile. The kind of smile that insists I’m hanging on as best I can.

  “I just want to go lie down Amb, but thank you. Maybe tomorrow?”

  “You got it.” She smiles pulling me back in for a hug.

  I sigh pulling myself up from the couch. My feet feel as heavy as my heart does and the walk to my room never felt longer. Once I’m inside my comfort zone, I lie across the bed and do what I planned. I don’t fall asleep right away. I stare at the fabric of the comforter although I can’t make out the color in the dark.

  My phone buzzes on the nightstand and I hesitate. Slowly I remove the covers from my head and grab the phone. The bright light of the screen blinds me for a second until my eyes can adjust. Just seeing his name now completely breaks me, maybe because I know he’s not just a quick drive up the road. I wonder what it says as I stare at his name. I wonder if he’s changed his mind and isn’t leaving. I decide to set my thoughts aside and open the message.

  Wesley: I never meant to hurt you Hope. I want you to know that. I love you so damn much and I WILL be back soon.

  I believe with all my heart that he never meant to hurt me. I know he didn’t intentionally do it. I may have been overreacting at the time but I know better now. I just wish missing him didn’t hurt so badly. I smile through the hurt as I type my response.

  Me: I love you too Wes. Come back soon please, I miss you already.

  Wesley: I miss you too, sweetheart.

  I set the phone back on my nightstand and let out a sigh. I can get through this. I have to be strong. I pull the covers back over my head and within five minutes, I’m fast asleep.

  ********

  Wesley’s been gone for a week now. He calls and texts like clockwork every day. My hormones are all out of sync right now and I hate it. Just yesterday I broke out into tears at work because I accidentally misfiled a folder. Bailey smiled sympathetically at me and moved it to the right section. Mr. Collins had stepped out of the office so he missed the whole meltdown. I’m relieved because I didn’t want him thinking I wasn’t capable of performing my duties.

  I’m twelve weeks pregnant now and I’ve learned that our baby can curl his/her toes and can clench their eye muscles. I also read the baby can squirm around although I can’t feel it yet I still can’t help but be scared he will miss out on all these important things. I can’t wait to be able to feel the baby move. I just hope Wesley can be here too.

  I’m sitting at my desk finishing my work for the day. I’m feeling extra tired today and I just want to sleep. There’s nothing that sounds better to me than my bed. My phone hasn’t gone off all day and I can’t help but feel disappointed. Wesley missed his normal call time. I try not to get too upset about it, he’s busy that’s got to be and that’s why I haven’t heard from him. He will call this evening, I know it.

  Amber and Nate are sitting on the couch when I walk in the door. I tell them hi briefly, and then make up an excuse about waiting for a phone call. It’s not really an excuse because I’m waiting for Wesley. I play around on my phone-- surf the internet and play a few levels on Candy Crush before letting out a sigh. I need a shower but I’m scared to miss his phone call. All I want is to hear his voice.

  I wake up abruptly before my alarm and stare at the time. It’s 6:00 am and I grab my phone quickly looking for a missed call or text. There’s nothing there. My heart drops into my chest as disappointment hits me again. I know that this is his career and I feel significantly needy but I don’t care.

  I manage to get through the day without losing my mind. Wesley is all I can think about and I’m sick and tired of being upset. I feel like a zombie just going through the motions.

  I’m really craving a bowl of rocky road ice cream so I decide to make a pit stop at the grocery store. I plan on getting a half gallon of Blue Bell. While I can most likely eat the entire half gallon myself, I plan on sharing with Amber. I grab the half gallon and hold it tightly to my chest.

  I’m almost to the register when a familiar voice breaks my concentration. “Hope?”

  I scrunch my nose wanting to just keep walking but I turn around. Brad is standing there holding a case of beer with who I’m assuming is this woman he’s been seeing. She looks identical to what Amber described. I flash an annoyed smile that lets him know I’m on a mission. “Um hi.”

  Last time I saw Brad, we almost made a huge mistake and now here I am carrying a baby and a half gallon of rocky road ice cream.

  “How have you been?” he asks. The girl is tapping her foot impatiently and I don’t blame her, this whole situation feels awkward.

  “I’m real good. You?” I don’t care how he’s doing. I can see it for myself. He seems happy.

  “I’m good. Amber told me you are pregnant,” his eyes travel to my belly and I cringe a little. “Congratulations, I guess.”

  Poor Brad is trying. I don’t know how to really take his congratulations so I smile. “Thank you.”

  He fidgets a little making me nervous. He adjusts the beer holding it in his right arm before sticking his left hand in the pocket of his jeans. “This guy, he treats you good?”

  I want to laugh wondering why he’s feeling so concerned about me. The girl beside him looks like she’s about to spit fire at the two of us but in my defense he started the conversation. I could have walked away but I haven’t yet.

  “He treats me very well.” I respond.

  He pulls his hand out of his pocket and runs it over his short hair. “Well, it was good to see you Hope.”

  “Yeah you too.” I give him a brief smile before turning away to head to the register. That was completely awkward but I found no reason I shouldn’t talk to him. We are in public and he is with someone. I’m sure he’s going to catch an earful from her the minute they leave the store, but that’s his problem. I would have been just fine if I hadn’t seen him.

  I sit back in my car before driving home. I check my phone and I’m even more annoyed that I still haven’t heard from Wesley.

  My phone buzzes almost giving me a heart attack. I lunge forward for it just praying it’s Wesley but it’s Amber letting me know Nate is cooking dinner tonight so she won’t be home. I reply that she’s missing ice cream and she sends a sad face. I get some comfort from the fact I have the whole half gallon to myself although I know I won’t be eatin
g it all at once.

  I turn the TV on and plop down on the couch with a giant bowl of ice cream and a spoon. I torture myself by watching P.S. I Love You. By the time it’s over, I’m a wreck and I’ve eaten two huge bowls of ice cream. Amber still isn’t home yet so I drag myself to my room.

  The phone buzzes and my eyes dart to the screen. A sense of euphoria flows through me when I see his name pop up. I hardly give it time to ring again before I answer.

  “I thought you weren’t going to call today. I miss you.”

  “I know I’m late calling I’m sorry. I’ve been busy today. This sucks.” He lets out a sigh; I love the sound of his sigh.

  “Tell me about it. I’ve eaten two bowls of ice cream, I’m going crazy.”