by Lisa Swallow
I tuck my hands into my pockets, playing over the rehearsed words. They all sound wrong but so right at the same time. “You. I miss you.”
“Well, you’ll get to spend plenty of time with me on tour in a couple of months.” She stands. “The guys are in the bar if you want to chat to them. I’m sure they’d love to know you came to see us.”
“I came to see you.”
Her hands tremble and the fought-back tears are ripping me apart. Something’s wrong. She could be lying about Dan. I scan her naked skin for signs of bruises, nothing.
“Why? So you can screw around with my feelings again?” Ruby would’ve snapped this, but she’s Ruby Tuesday and speaks with a defeated hurt.
“I didn’t mean to. I just fucked it up like everything else.”
Ruby rubs her head as she considers what to say. “You probably did the right thing; we’d have hurt each other more than we did.”
“You think?”
“We can’t give the whole of ourselves, so how could we avoid this happening eventually?”
No, she’s so wrong.
This is it, I have one chance. If opening the final part of my heart to Ruby doesn’t work, I’ll know there’s no future. If there’s no chance for us, I can shovel away all the crap in my life in one day, and start again. “I already gave you the whole of myself, Ruby, that’s why I got scared.”
“Stop it, Jem.”
I take a ragged breath and the words fall out, because if I stop they’ll never find their way to the ears of the girl who needs to hear. “You have a part of me; you always had a part of me, Ruby.” I resist the urge to stare at my feet, willing her to look at me too. “I came here because I have to tell you the truth that I’ve lied to us both about.”
“Stop talking riddles.”
I push on. “I was scared to admit what was happening; terrified of the emptiness I’d be left with if I gave you too much and if you took everything away.”
Ruby makes a derisive sound. “So you told me to leave? How am I supposed to believe what you’re saying, Jem?”
“I threw us away because the reality scared the hell out of me.”
She turns her reddened eyes to me. “No, you threw us away because you can’t love.”
Shit. I rub my temples. Why the hell am I putting myself through this?
“So you’ve come here to tell me what?” she continues when I don’t respond. “That you care and want to try again? I don’t have anything for you, Jem, not right now because you left me empty too.”
“What do I have to say to make you understand what you mean to me?”
“Just tell the truth.”
I snatch the glimmer of forgiveness and move closer; there’s a chance she’ll let me in? Hesitantly, I touch her damp hair. “I’m lost without you. Hell, I’ve spent most of my life lost, but this time it’s worse. All the colour in my life has gone because you’re not there.” I pause and whisper. “Every song I hear makes me think of you.”
She gives a small smile to my admission. “What? Even the boy bands?”
“Even the fucking boy bands. Do you know how embarrassing that is for rock god, Jem Jones?”
Ruby’s smile grows and she shakes her head at me. “So you’re saying you miss me?”
“I fucking ache for you. When you left, you took the part of me who could be a decent person, and the only way I can get him back is be with you.”
“You kicked me out! I didn’t leave!”
I rub my temples. “Yeah, I know. Shit, I’m no good at this, Ruby. I don’t know what else to say to you because this obviously isn’t working.”
She crosses her arms. “I’m not helping you out this time.”
My heart hammers against my chest, skipping out of its normal rhythm for a split second, the way the drugs used to cause. I take another shaky breath and push against Ruby’s barrier some more. “I belong with you.”
The tears remain in Ruby’s eyes, the crossed arms indicate I’m no closer to being let back in. “Ruby, there’s so many things I can’t put into words; I should just leave.”
When Ruby’s expression changes to alarm, I know leaving would be the end. The real end. I swear my perspiration matches hers right now. Why is this so fucking hard?
Ruby touches my face, the surprise like an electric shock across my skin. “You could save yourself the explanations if you just used one word, Jem,” she says softly and runs her thumb along my lip.
She knows. I know. We’ve both known for months. The girl in front of me who blew my mind the first night I saw her, who stepped across the broken glass and dragged the hidden Jem into her light deserves to hear the truth from him. “I love you, Ruby Tuesday.”
Ruby’s expression changes, but I can’t read it and she doesn’t speak. Shock? More tears… Shit, she doesn’t feel the same.
“That was easier, wasn’t it?” she whispers eventually, cupping my cheek in her hand.
“No, so you’d better fucking kiss me. I need mouth to mouth after that; it almost killed me.”
Ruby laughs, the sound letting in light over my shadows. She winds her arms around my neck and plants a sudden, surprise kiss on my mouth. “How could I refuse such an eloquent request?”
Then Ruby really kisses me. She actually fucking kisses me with the mouth I was terrified would never touch mine again, the warmth and taste flooding a new energy into my life. Ruby wants me and is prepared to forgive my shitty, asshole behaviour. In this embrace is the pull back to our place, the one we escaped together, the new path we started on and I sabotaged.
Ruby stops and grips the hands that are wrapped around her slim frame; but I won’t let her go, her long legs wrapped between mine, my face buried in her neck.
“Look at me, Jem. I love you, too, and it frightens me. Look at what happened, at what you can do to me when you’re hurting. I can’t cope with that unpredictability.”
My heart stutters for a second time, is she saying no? “I will always tell you everything. There isn’t anything I want to hide from you ever again. You’re in here now.” I place her hand on my heart. “You always were, just this stupid fucker had to catch up.” I touch my head. “Can we try again?”
Ruby’s smile cracks through the concern. “Can you accept you’re worth loving?”
“If I’m worth you reaching out that night I fell apart, I must be worth something. Come home with me. I promise that from now on it’s me and you; we’re the only people who matter.”
Ruby’s smile leaves and she pushes both hands into her hair. “I’m worried about something that’ll fuck this up before we’ve even tried again,” she says hoarsely.
I frown. “Like what? Nothing you could say would change my mind.” Unless. Jax? “Or is there someone else?”
“No, no. Not that” Ruby continues to shake her head and pushes my hands away. She sits on the sofa again. “I don’t want you to think… If this is a big deal to you, I’ll sort it.”
“If what is a big deal? Now you’re the one talking in riddles. Something that keeps us apart?”
I sit next to Ruby and touch her bare leg. She laces her hands in mine. “I’m scared.”
“Why?”
“Shit!” She slams her head against the back of the sofa. “You said I took a part of you when I left.”
“When I made you leave.”
“Well, I literally did.” Ruby looks at me warily.
“Oh. What did you take? I’m sure it wasn’t important if I haven’t noticed. The guitar? I said you could have that.”
“Jem, I’m pregnant.”
The world shifts into slow motion, the words exploding through my mind as I grab at the scattering thoughts; make attempts at sentences, a reaction. Ruby launches into a burbling breakdown of what she’ll do, how she’ll fix it. I grip her hand. “Ruby, stop talking. Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Not very pregnant, I mean, it’s early days and that makes it easier to decide.” The breathless words are accompanied by her star
ing at the wall.
Finally, my brain processes the world-shattering information. “Holy fucking fuck.”
“I thought something along the same lines. I didn’t do this on purpose, Jem; it’s not something on my life plan for the next few years.”
“Or mine.”
Ruby chews her mouth. “Yeah.”
“No, I don’t mean…” I tip her chin to me. She’s scared and I fucking hate Ruby scared. “Falling in love wasn’t in my plans either.”
Ruby tries to move, but I hold tight. “I need time to process this. I just came from my mum’s funeral and that was a big enough headfuck.”
“I didn’t plan on telling you right now; but I thought before I went home with you, I had to, in case it changed your mind.” The realisation she might not have told me at all hits. Surely, she would? “I couldn’t stand to go back, spend a night with you, and be kicked aside.”
She’s rambling again, and I wipe the worry from Ruby’s face with both my hands, kissing her cheeks, lips, forehead, anything to show her that words don’t matter even though the ones I heard blew my world so far off its axis there’s no way I’ll ever get back into the same orbit again.
“I can say with complete honesty and certainty that whatever happens, this will not change my mind.”
I squeeze Ruby to me, in case she changes her mind and wants to run or doesn’t believe my words. I came to speak to her tonight because I put my past to rest and had to know if Ruby belonged there, or in my future. Now Ruby is where she should be: in my arms and my heart.
Ruby’s body trembles against mine and I hold her tighter. I will never, ever, let this girl go. Whatever she needs, she gets; and if that’s my love, then I have that covered.
“I love you,” I whisper against her hot cheek. “I have never loved anybody before, never knew how until you. You found your way to the deepest part of my heart where that love hides and claimed it.”
“Only because you were ready to love someone,” she says against my neck.
“No, only because I love you. I was always waiting for Ruby Tuesday to come into my life and show me who I really am. Hers.”
I find out I’m going to be a dad on the day I say goodbye to my mum and the crap of my childhood. Can I do any better? This is fate’s ultimate demonstration I belong with Ruby. For the first time, the future exists and life is no longer the past or the day-to-day survival against relapsing. I have a place to go and somebody to take with me.
Sure, this isn’t tied up in a neat little bow or a verse in a Hallmark card, but we can do this. I will always give Ruby what she needs because I’m not giving; I’m sharing a part of myself that has always belonged to her.
More than that, somebody somewhere decided we should share ourselves in another person, and that’s fucking fine by me.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
January
Ruby
I head out of the Ladies and back to the sound check. Morning sickness? All fucking day sickness. This accompanying lack of energy and exhaustion isn’t helping. Shouldn’t this have stopped by now? The tour will be over before I’m whale-sized pregnant so I thought everything would be okay. I’m past the twelve weeks and I read things are supposed to be easier now. The fact my body hates being pregnant worries me, as if telling me something. What the hell have I decided to go through with?
Jem hovers outside and comes straight over. “You okay? You been sick again?” He puts a hand on my clammy forehead. “You have!”
“Jesus, Jem. What are you going to be like when I go into labour?” I hiss.
“I worry about you.”
“I’m coping with the tour, aren’t I?”
We’re four dates into a two-month tour, trawling around Europe. The Ruby Riot boys are doing the tour bus experience; I’m flying with Jem as much as possible. I received some teasing about being too good for them now I’m rock royalty, and I retorted about how unpleasant their house is so why would I want to share their equally confined space on a bus?
Jem wipes my face with the sleeve of his shirt then kisses my forehead softly. “But if you need to…”
I shove him in the chest. “Don’t start getting all ‘you’re a fragile flower’ with me. I’m fine.”
“I want to take care of you, okay?”
“On my terms, remember?”
He laughs. “Oh, how could I forget, Ruby Tuesday?”
Circling my arms around his waist, I press my mouth to his. “Don’t fuss. People will notice.”
“I think they might notice soon, you’re more than three months and in the book it said…”
“I don’t want yet another update on how big it is. You’re obsessed by that book!”
“Baby. Not it. And I want to know everything I need to!”
God, if only Jem’s band mates knew how he spends his spare time these days, I think he knows more about pregnancy than I do.
We head back to the stage where an impatient Dylan fixes Jem with a sour look. “C’mon, I don’t want to spend all afternoon doing this. Sky’s over from England today.”
Jax sits with the sound engineer watching proceedings. Ruby Riot finished the sound check an hour ago, Will and Nate disappeared to try out the local bars but Jax is eager to learn everything. He helped the roadies and is now annoying the sound engineer with questions.
“I’m heading back to the hotel,” I tell Jem.
“Rest.” Jem holds my head in both hands, kisses the top of my hair, then walks back to the stage.
The rest of the day disappears into sleep and I wake about three p.m. How can I sleep so much and still be exhausted? I head to the hotel restaurant and buy a salad; the smell of anything else nauseates me. As I look for a table in the cafe area, I spot Cerys with her daughter, and she waves. I haven’t seen Cerys since the wedding at Christmas and although she’s more approachable than Sky, I’m awkward around her. Walking away would be rude; I don’t have any choice here.
Cerys smiles warmly as I approach. “Hi, Ruby, how are you?”
“Yeah. Good. You?” I sit and put my salad and bottle of water on the table.
The kid sits next to her mum picking lettuce out of a sandwich and putting it on one side. She’s wearing a costume, including ribbons in her long brown hair and oversized jewellery and stares at me.
“Are you a princess?” I ask, feeling awkward under her scrutiny.
“I’m Elsa.”
“I thought you were called Ella?”
“I am; but when I’m wearing this, I’m Elsa.”
I don’t have a bloody clue what she’s talking about.
“Ella, eat your sandwich,” says Cerys.
“I don’t like it! The bread tastes funny!”
“Eat that up or no treats for you later,” her mum says firmly.
I watch the exchange and the nausea returns. I could be Cerys soon. Am I ready to do this?
“How old are you?” I ask Cerys.
“Twenty-two.”
“You had her young then.”
“Too young. Not that I’d change that now,” she adds hastily. “The timing wasn’t great and yeah, Liam’s not her real dad so that should tell you how not great it was.”
“Liam is my dad!” protests Ella. “I have two dads.”
“You did the single mum thing, huh? Must’ve been tough.”
Cerys shifts in her seat and twists the cup on the table. “It was, but better that than staying in a relationship that was hurting me.”
“Yeah.” I continue to watch Ella and picture my own child. Will she be like me, or a little boy with Jem’s curls? Crap, I don’t think I’ve ever held a baby, let alone looked after a little kid.
My biggest worry surfaces. What if I end up a single mum? When I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, I knew I was taking a risk. Jem’s transformed his attitude toward our relationship, but what if he has another emotional freak out like he did over his mum’s death? I’ll love this kid whether I’m with Jem or not, care for him
or her better than the job my parents did with me. I psych myself up for the possibility I may end up doing this alone though; and if I want to be brutal in my honesty, if Jem kicks us to one side, he’ll need to pay. I’ll have enough love for my child to cover Jem’s if this does happen.
Deep inside, I know he won’t. I’m surprised Jem hasn’t blabbed to everyone. Once the shock wore off, he was more into the idea than I was at the time, which stunned me. He’s adamant this happened for a reason; that we came into each other’s lives when we needed. I would never have pinned Jem as a believer in fate; personally, I believe in cold hard facts and being responsible for everything that happens. We changed to a more reliable form of contraception once things got serious and the chances of this failing were supposedly low. Yeah, maybe fate did have a hand in this.
Jem has grand ideas about buying a place in the English countryside and living a new life with me and the baby. The holiday to Spain inspired the ‘country Jem’ and I have an amusing image of Jem growing vegetables and collecting eggs from his chickens. I also have an equal image of a little boy holding his hand as he does. I’ve told him I need to keep going with Ruby Riot and the kid can’t stop me, so Jem immediately set about planning Ruby Riot’s year around ours. No tours for a few months after this one, and plenty of studio time.
For the first time in his life, Jem is planning the future.
“Are you okay?” Cerys’s brown eyes are full of concern. “You’re miles away.”
“Sorry, thinking about something.”
“You look sick; Liam said you’ve not been well since the tour started. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m going to the doctor if it doesn’t get any better. You staying with the band for long?” A subject change is needed. I’m not discussing my health with her.
“A couple of days between gigs, we’re doing the Paris thing.”
“Romantic.”
“In January? Cold.” She laughs then whispers, “Especially since missy here found out about Disneyland.”
“Right.”
I eat my salad, fighting the anxiety, and don’t remember a word of the rest of the conversation with Cerys. My decision and the reality of how my life is about to change for the second time in a year hits harder than ever after this one conversation.