"But--"
I held up a hand to stop her. "He was my mentor, and sponsor for the surgical certificate. His career is important to him. It is even more important to the Empire, and to Captain Copper. My career is important to me. Should there be any hint of a rumor of our having any emotional ties, his professionalism, and mine, would be called into question. His ethics and my abilities would be under the shadow of suspicion. I will not do that to either of us. Nor would he, I am sure, if he has any interest whatsoever."
There. The difficulties of my relationships with Dr. Swan were explained. Saying it did not break my heart. Which was something I always suspected would happen if I ever said the words aloud. My heart ached, but ache is better than break, yes?
Now, to the important part. At least as far as Seeli was concerned.
"That was quite a speech," Seeli said. "You have thought this through very carefully, and for a long time." She put an arm around my shoulders. "I am so sorry, my dear."
"Thank you - but I have gotten over being miserable about it. What I want to warn you about is you and Dr. Swan."
Her arm dropped. "Warn?"
I faced her on the bench, and took one of her hands. "I put that badly. But you need to know that Captain Copper and Dr. Swan have a partnership that I believe should not be interfered with. For Captain Copper's good, and for the Empire's."
She laughed, the sound completely false. "Such drama, Meggie!"
I clamped my hand around her wrist when she would have stood. I am stronger. "I must say this to you, Seeli. If I were to marry Captain Copper I would come between him and Dr. Swan. I would be jealous of them both. I would want to take Swan's place as surgeon on board Copper's ship. I would be terrible in that role. A surgeon's duty is to be the voice of reason, the skeptic - a captain is a god to everyone but the ship's doctor. The doctor has the right to argue with and sometimes oppose the captain. Dr. Swan is brilliant at keeping Captain Copper on an even keel. I would simply follow Dane Copper wherever he wanted to go, agree with him on every decision. He can be reckless, Swan grabs hold of him and pulls him back. If you love Copper, do not come between him and Samel Swan. He won't give up the sea for you. You'll lose him if you ask him to."
"I know better than to ask him to do that."
"Good. Love him when he's on land. If you want him to safely return to the home you share on land, leave him to Swan when he is at sea."
I let go of Seeli's wrist. I must have been holding it tightly, as she began rubbing it. "I think you may be correct in saying we love two different Dane Coppers. You have been living in a different world."
"His world," I said. "He's living in your world, now. I hope you make him happy in it."
"I intend to try," she said as we stood. "Though I must say you've given me several things to think about."
Chapter Thirty-Two
"I wish you could come with us," I said after I'd finished twirling all the way around. This was to show myself off properly from all angles.
Star had been dancing around me as I turned, now I reached down to pet her. When I wouldn't pick her up, she jumped up on the sofa next to Jame Field.
Father looked up from reading a circular. "I am coming with you. I wouldn't be forced into wearing a brocade coat else."
"I don't believe she was speaking to you, sir," Jame said from his own seat in the green parlor.
"He is not being obtuse, he has an odd sense of humor. Don't you, Father?"
Father gave me a twinkling smile, but his expression turned serious when he returned to reading the news circular.
I faced Jame again. "I'm not in the full rig yet - need my hair and makeup done, and jewelry - but what do you think of the dress?"
I had good reason to be anxious for people's opinions. I had approved the design and paid the crowns for Mr. Vine giving me what I asked for. But I did feel a bit - naked, in a way.
"Perhaps you could have requested the dressmaker to add a top," Father said without glancing up.
"Do you see what I have to put up with around here?" I complained.
My lover answered, "I told you you could come live with me. Although your bed is more comfortable than mine, we would both be closer to work living at my place."
"Well, I couldn't move the bed with me, the furniture is rented. We'll have to stay here."
"I suppose that settles the matter."
We actually did spend more time at Jame's rooms rather than here. The location was closer to both our jobs. Jame did not often visit the rental palace. I had asked him to stop by today because I wanted him to see my ball gown. I'd invited him to come with me to the Dowager's Ball as the guest allowed to me on the invitation, but he was adamant that he would only be in my way among hundreds of Seekers.
He was quite firm that I was still a Seeker and he was not a suitor. I was fairly firm in that opinion myself. We declared we were not in love, but the liking and sexual attraction between us was great. My mother pointed out that this was how her and my father's relationship had begun, neither of them with any intention of settling together. Well, time would tell with Jame and myself.
I have been very content with my life in the last two weeks. I certainly hadn't been doing much in the way of Seeking, but tonight was the Dowager's Ball. The time for returning to husband hunting was now upon me.
Father looked at Jame. "Young man, shouldn't you be out protecting the streets of Loudon right now?"
"I am working the evening shift tonight, sir. We are always busier on nights when Green Moon is full. And I think the height of the midsummer meteor showers ignites a primitive fear in all of us that makes people more aggressive, whether they understand why or not."
Father nodded. He held up the circular. "From what I've been reading of local news, I would say that you are correct. How bad are these clashes between locals and veterans, really? Will there be riots?"
"We're working to prevent anything like that, sir."
"Dwie won't be coming to the ball, either," I said. "Bell has been asked to sing. It is too bad he will miss her performance. Now, Jame, about my dress...?" I returned to the original subject.
But I had no luck getting an answer, as several people entered the Green Parlor before Jame spoke. Two were my cousin Henner, and our housemaid, soon to be university student, Ajaa Rose. She certainly didn't look like either right now, but a beautiful young woman in a ball gown. She was Henner's invited guest for the evening. Her dress had been my white Seeker gown. The sleeves had been taken off and the bodice remade to a slightly lower neckline. The bright white had been dyed to an almost-pink off-white. The way the dye had been applied gave a slightly pinker shade to the edges of the embroidered roses on the bosom and hem.
"You look absolutely lovely," Father said. He stood and bowed to her.
She returned a much-practiced curtsy. "Thank you, sir. I wanted to show off the dress to you, Megere," she added. She gave a swift glance at Henner. "I want to thank you both for this."
"You've thanked us quite enough," Henner said. He looked at her most appreciatively. Thankfully, his mother, Cousin Corle, had returned to Cliffside Manor, their seat on the Cliff property, a few days before. Henner would also be starting college in Avan in the fall.
"You look beautiful, Ajaa," I said. But what about my ball gown?
"So do you," Ajaa told me.
Hurray! An opinion at last!
She looked me over, her gaze lingering at my bodice. "I will make sure you remember to bring a shawl."
"Excuse me," Mr. Butler spoke up. He lingered near the door. "A package has arrived." He held a paper-wrapped box in his arms. He stepped forward. "For you, Dr. Cliff."
I wasn't taking or holding anything that might stain or muss the shot-silk of my gown. I gestured. "On that, please, Mr. Butler." He placed the box on the low table in front of the sofa.
I read the direction on the box. To me. From Professor Diamond.
My book? Could it possibly be my book? He'd had my novel printed fa
r faster than possible.
"I told him not to do this," I said.
"So did I," Father said. "I see that he didn't listen. Well, darling, congratulations. I wonder how many copies he's sent out into the world?"
Into the world? Dear All, what now? Professor Diamond had sent copies to how many libraries and teachers and - me...
For a moment I was so twisted between delight and dread I was dizzy.
I ripped open the package without another thought for my dress.
"You wanted Mr. Field to come with you to the ball, didn't you?" Belladem asked me.
We were seated opposite each other in the Kestrel family coach, sent for her exclusive use this evening. She'd invited me to join her. The coach was currently not moving, it just another conveyance in the long, creeping line heading slowly for the gates of the Summer Lake Palace. It was not even close to sunset on this longest day of the year. I feared it would be full dark before we alighted at the doors of the Dowager's official Loudon residence.
"I did want him to come with me," I admitted. "I thought showing him my gown might entice him. Or possibly make him a bit jealous. It's not as if I'm really looking for a husband among the Seekers, and he knows it."
"Does he?"
I considered for a bit. "Perhaps not." After my sister watched me with a stern expression for a while, I added. "Perhaps I will have a talk with him when we next meet."
"Perhaps you should."
"Not that I am serious about him, Bell."
"Not yet."
"Still, after tonight I am done with this Seeker nonsense. I wouldn't miss the ball for anything, but I have had quite enough of frivolity to last a lifetime."
"Perhaps you should take rooms with Mr. Field."
"How can I? I leave for Seyemouth at the end of the summer."
"Sorry. I did forget that we will lose your company soon."
I sighed. "I wonder if Jame and I can survive a separation? He is very devoted to his home patch."
"Admirable of him," Bell said. "Perhaps you should marry him, and then go to sea. You can pine for each other and have explosively sexual reunions every now and then."
"You sound like Dr. Heron."
"Perhaps that is where I got the idea. Rhane believes that is the sort of relationship they will have, with him on a ship and her studying law." The coach lurched. "Oh, good. We're moving."
Not far, as it turned out. But we did finally reach the palace, in fits and starts, over the next couple of hours.
Chapter Thirty-Three
I expected to be looked at, and I was, from the moment I stepped from the carriage. There were stares as I entered the palace. There might have been some gasps as I passed from room to room after the presiding herald called out my name. For the dress, not me. At least no one fainted. That I saw. If they had, I would have felt compelled to treat them, but I was not going to apologize for the gown.
It wasn't really at all scandalous. It was merely - different. A new design. Mr. Vine was certain customers looking for something similar were fated to flood his exclusive shop after I was seen in this dress at the ball. You see, the current fashion for ball gowns was a sleeveless, low-necked bodice - bare arms and bosoms were emphasized, and every dress the same but for materials, decoration, and shades of pale.
The cloth of my gown was of heavy, nubby shot-silk, the color the same shade as the gold-tinted white pearl I wore at my throat. The skirt of my gown was full, the high bodice was constructed in bands that crossed over my breasts and continued to cover my upper arms. My shoulders were quite bare.
I had decided to wear my hair loose, held swept up by mother-of-pearl combs at the sides. My hair might be unfashionably long, but it hangs to the small of my back and is a thick, wavy reddish-brown. I am quite vain about it, despite all the work to take care of it. The effect it gave tonight made all the annoyance worth it.
Mr. Vine had advised me to keep my head high, my back and shoulders straight, and to move with the assurance of a veteran sure of victory in battle. As for the veteran part, he well knew that the trick in battle is to not show the terror. It turned out the dress designer had spent time in the navy himself.
Belladem was led away by the director of entertainments, who had been waiting anxiously for her by the entrance. Tennit and Rassi had elected not to attend - she was having trouble with backaches and swollen feet - but the rest of us gathered into a group and made our way along the wide marble hallway to the entrance of the famous Crystal Room.
It was called a ballroom, but my first thought upon passing through the gilded arch entrance was that the high-ceilinged expanse could hold a dry-docked fleet - and storehouses. Maybe a fish shop, as well And it was not the mirrors and reflecting, faceted chandeliers that gave the sense of hugeness to the ballroom.
"I believe it is as big as it actually seems to be," Dr. Heron announced from his place beside Rhane.
"Thank the All there is no reception line," Seeli said. She was holding Captain Copper's arm. They made a handsome couple, her in a gown whose pale cream color hinted at the faintest of green in the weave, and wearing Aunt Edime's peridot necklace. Dane Copper was a magnificent sight in his dress uniform, with all his medals gleaming on his chest. My heart did give a pang of longing when looking at him, but I was resigned to losing what had never been mine to begin with.
"You make a lovely couple," I told them.
All around me was a buzz of conversation, and a turning of heads, which I managed to ignore. I looked around the room, at the gleaming white marble floors, the high glass doors that were opened to let in the night air. A large orchestra played on a distant dais. Dancers moved to their tune in a slow, formal line. It took me several seconds to realize just how many couples occupied the dance floor. Hundreds more people took up space along the walls, with plenty of room to spare between the numerous conversational groups. Not every woman wore variations of beige. The room was dotted with engaged and recently wed women in shades of light blue. Married women wore any color they pleased, as decorated as their station allowed. Most men's coats were in restrained shades of black, navy, or gray, but there were still plenty gentlemen in bright, gaudy shades. Servers in silver-trimmed gray livery made up another shade in the color scheme. They had no trouble moving around with their laden trays, though it would have been a difficult task in any other ballroom with this many people in it.
The largest crowd stood before the throne where the Dowager Empress watched over the proceedings from a dais five or six steps up from the rest of the room. I studied that group as closely as I could from this distance. Having seen the Emperor once, but not really paid much attention to him at the time, I hoped to get a proper look at him at least once tonight. I looked for a strongly built, tall man with reddish hair, but the only tall man I immediately recognized was dark, slender Lord North.
"Well, I suppose he had to be here," I grumbled.
Everyone in our party but Abethe had moved onto the dance floor by this time. She interrupted my staring with a tap to my bare shoulder, then gestured to a group across the room. "I suppose we'd best join the stable and see if anyone wants to rent us."
She was referring to the group, mostly women, pretending to converse with each other while hoping for dance partners. Her words were spoken sarcastically, but not with the bitterness they would have held a few weeks before. While she still had no interested in the Seeking, she had begun to have a good time with all the activities we attended. She had also had her Presentation dress recut into a ball gown, the silk tea-stained to the color of parchment.
"We should, indeed, take our places among the livestock," I agreed. My cousin and I linked arms and set out - only we each were bespoken by dance partners before we reached the waiting group.
Captain Copper bowed before me. "May I have your next free dance?"
I was still a little breathless from having just finished a romping dance with an enthusiastic partner, but I curtsied and said, "My dance card is free for the next
dance, sir."
We walked out to the dance floor to take our place. I would have been happier if the music, when it started, had not been a waltz, but did not regret that there was no avoiding his touch on my waist and fingertips.
We swayed and twirled in silence for a while. I enjoyed the movement, and the music was exceptionally beautiful. The best musicians in the Empire were performing tonight.
Captain Copper broke the enchanted silence. "I have a bone to pick with you."
I tensed. "Oh, dear." I tried an innocent smile. "Was it something I said to my cousin? Who I feel I owe honest opinions and family loyalty to above and beyond my fond friendship for--"
"Seeli has been asking me some probing questions about Dr. Swan."
"I have mentioned him to her," I said.
"You have given her a very odd impression of our working relationship. The two of us are not the close partners you seem to think."
I smiled. "Oh, yes you are."
"On what do you base this supposition?"
"I am far more observant, as an outsider, than you are, sir."
"That may be, but-- He is fond of you, Dr. Cliff. Very fond."
"I do not wish to hear anything about that, sir."
"There you are." The voice belonged to Admiral North.
Captain Copper and I had moved to the outside of the edge of the dance floor, very close to where spectators stood watching. We both glanced at North.
"Come along, Dane," North said. "You, too, Doctor. We are wanted."
Captain Copper whirled me off the floor. "Whatever are we wanted for, Adrew?"
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