by Jean M. Auel
“There is something you should be aware of. Sharing Pleasures with your mate is not required, if that is what you choose and your mate does not object, but most men will object. Most men will not stay with a woman who will not share Her Gift with them. Though you are preparing to tie the knot and may not imagine it now, the knot can also be severed, for many reasons. I’m sure you all know someone who severed the knot with a mate.”
There was some shuffling, changing of positions, glancing around. Most everyone did know someone who had been mated to a person they were no longer with.
“It has been said that women can make use of the Mother’s Gift to hold their mates by keeping them happy and content. There are those who claim it was given to Her children for that reason. That may be one reason, though not the only reason, I’m sure. But it is true that your mate will not be as tempted to look with Pleasure upon other women if you satisfy his desires. He will be happy to save those fleeting moments of interest in someone else for ceremonies that honor the Mother, when it is acceptable, and pleasing to Her when Pleasures are shared.
“But remember, though it can be a welcome diversion, anyone can accept, or reject, any offer to share the Mother’s Gift. Sharing Pleasures with someone else is also not required. If you and your mate are happy and joyfully share Her Gift with just each other, the Mother is pleased. It is also not required to wait for a Mother Ceremony. Nothing about Pleasures is required. It is a Gift from the Mother, and all Her children are free to share it with whomever they like whenever they wish. Neither you nor your mate should be concerned by each other’s passing diversions. Jealousy is far worse. Jealousy can have terrible repercussions. Jealousy can cause violence, and violence can lead to death. If someone gets killed, it can lead to revenge by the loved ones of the person who died, and more revenge in return until there is nothing left but fighting. Anything that threatens the well-being of the children of the Mother who were chosen to know Her is not acceptable.
“The Zelandonii are a strong people because they work together and help each other. The Great Earth Mother has provided everything that we need to live. Whatever is hunted or gathered is given to us by Doni and in turn should be shared by everyone. Because accepting what She offers can be hard work and even dangerous, those who give most gain the greatest respect. That is why the best providers and those who are willing to work for Her children have the highest status. That is why leaders are so respected. They are willing to help their people. If they were not, people would no longer turn to them and someone else would be acknowledged as the leader.” She didn’t add that it was also the reason that the zelandonia had such high status.
Zelandoni was a powerful speaker, and Ayla was listening with rapt attention. She wanted to learn as much as she could about the people of the man she was soon to mate, who were now her people, but when she thought about it, the Clan were not so different. They also shared everything, and no one went hungry, not even that woman she was told about who died in the earthquake. She had come from another clan, never had children, and after her mate died, she had to be taken as a second woman, always considered a burden. But although she had the lowest status of anyone in Brun’s clan, she never went hungry and always had warm enough clothing.
The Clan knew all those things, they didn’t have to express it with words. The people of the Clan were not as full of words as the Others. Mates were shared, too. They understood about relieving a man’s needs. No Clan woman ever refused any man who gave her the signal. She didn’t know anyone who even thought of refusing … except her. But she knew now that what Broud wanted was not Pleasures. She even knew it then, though she couldn’t express it. He didn’t give her the signal because he wanted to share the Gift or to relieve his needs, he did it only because he knew she hated it.
“Remember,” the donier was saying, “it is your mate who must help you and provide for you and your children, especially when you are heavy with child, or have just given birth and are nursing. If you care about him, if you have shared Pleasures with him often and kept him reasonably content, most men are more than happy to provide for their mates and her children. Perhaps some of you can’t imagine why I should make this point so strongly. Ask your mothers. When you are busy and tired with many children, there may come a time when the Gift is not so easy to share. And there are times when it should not be shared, but I’ll talk about that later.
“Doni is always more pleased and smiles with favor on those children who bear some resemblance to your mate. Mates, too, often feel closer to those children. If you want your children to resemble your mate, you must spend time together so it will be his spirit that will be the easiest to be selected. The ways of the spirits are willful. There is no way to tell when one will decide to allow itself to be chosen, or when the Mother will decide it is time to blend them. But if you enjoy each other and are pleased with each other, your mate will want to stay with you, and his spirit will be happy to join with yours. Does everyone understand so far? If you have questions, now is the time to speak of them,” the First said, looking around and waiting.
“But, what if I get sick or something, and can’t feel any Pleasure in the Gift?” a woman asked. Others turned to look to see who had asked.
“Your mate should be understanding of that, and it is always your choice in any case. There are some who are mated and seldom share the Gift with each other. If you are kind and understanding of your mate, he will usually be the same to you. Men are children of the Mother, too. They get sick, and usually it’s their mates who care for them. Most mates will try to care for you when you are sick, too.”
The young woman nodded and smiled rather tentatively.
“What I’m saying is that couples should have consideration and show kindness and respect for each other. The Gift of Pleasure can bring happiness to both of you and help to make your mate feel happy and contented, so the union will last. Any other questions?” The First waited to see if anyone else had any more questions, then continued.
“But mating is more than two people choosing to live together. It involves your kin, your Cave, and the world of the spirits as well. That is why mothers and their mates consider carefully before they allow their children to mate. With whom will you live? Will you or your mate be a worthy addition to the Cave you live with? Your feelings for each other are also important. If you start without caring, the union may not last. If the union does not last, the responsibility for any children usually falls to the mother’s kin and Cave, as it does if both of you should die.”
Ayla was fascinated by the discussion. She almost asked a question about the blending of spirits starting life. She was more than ever convinced that it was the Gift of Pleasures itself that was necessary for life to begin, but she decided not to mention it here.
“Now,” Zelandoni continued, “while most of you will be eagerly looking forward to your first baby, there may come a time when a life has started that should not have started. Until you have received the elandon for your infant from your Zelandoni, it has no spirit of its own, only the combined spirits that started it. At that time, the Great Earth Mother will accept the infant, separate the spirits, and give them back. But it is better to stop the continuation of life before it is ready to be born, best within the first three moons of pregnancy.”
“Why would anyone want to stop a new life that has started?” a young woman asked. “Shouldn’t all babies be welcomed?”
“Most babies are welcomed,” the Zelandoni said, “but there may be reasons why a woman should not have another. Though it doesn’t happen often, she may get pregnant again while she is still nursing, and give birth to another baby when she has one that is still very young. Most mothers cannot adequately care for another baby so soon. The one who is already here and named, particularly if it is healthy, must come first. Too many young ones die as it is, especially in their first year. It is unwise to risk the life of a child who is healthy and growing by forcing her from the breast too soon. After survivi
ng the first year, weaning is the next most difficult time for a child. If a baby must be weaned too soon, less than three years, it can weaken the child, and the person they grow into. It is better to have one healthy child that will grow into a strong adult than two or three weak ones, who may not live long.”
“Oh … I didn’t think of that,” the young woman said.
“Or, as another example, perhaps a woman has given birth to several seriously malformed children, who have died. Should she continue carrying full term and have to go through such sorrow each time? Not to mention weakening herself?”
“But what if she really wants a baby like everyone else?” said a young woman with tears in her eyes.
“All women do not have children,” Zelandoni said. “Some choose not to. With others, life never starts. Some can’t seem to carry full term, or have stillborn children or children that are so malformed, they don’t live, or they shouldn’t.”
“But why?” the tearful woman asked.
“No one knows why. Perhaps someone who has something against her has cursed her. Perhaps an evil spirit found a way to harm the unborn baby. It even happens to animals. We’ve all seen malformed horses or deer. Some say that white animals are the result of an evil spirit that was thwarted, that’s why they are lucky. People, too, are sometimes born white with pink eyes. Animals no doubt have stillborns and young that don’t live as well, though I suspect carnivores take care of them so quickly, we don’t see them. That’s just the way it is,” Zelandoni said.
The young woman was in tears, and Ayla wondered why the donier seemed so unemotional in her response.
“Her sister has had difficulties having a baby, and she’s been pregnant two or three times,” Velima said under her breath. “I think she’s afraid the same thing will happen to her.”
“It’s wise of Zelandoni not to build up false hopes. Sometimes it runs in families,” Marthona murmured in return. “And if she has a child, she’ll be all the happier for it.”
Ayla watched the young woman and was so moved, she couldn’t resist speaking out. “On our way here …,” she began. Everyone turned to look in surprise at the newcomer who spoke out, and many noticed her speech difference. “Jondalar and I stopped at a Losadunai Cave. There was a woman there who had never been able to have children. A woman from a nearby Cave had died, leaving her mate with three young children. The woman who couldn’t have any went to live with them to see if they could work out a compatible arrangement. If they could, she was going to adopt the children, and take the man for a mate.”
There was silence for a time, then an undercurrent of conversation. “That’s a very good example, Ayla,” Zelandoni said. “It’s true. Women can adopt children. Did this childless woman have a mate of her own?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Ayla replied.
“Even if she had, she could have brought him with her, if the men were willing to accept each other as co-mates. An extra man to help provide for those children could be helpful. Ayla has made a good point. Women who are not able to give birth to their own children don’t always have to remain childless,” Zelandoni said, then she went on.
“There are other reasons a woman may choose to end a pregnancy. A mother may have too many children, making it difficult for her to care for them all, and for her, her mate, and her Cave to provide for them. Often women who are in that situation don’t really want more, and wish the Mother wouldn’t be quite so generous with them.”
“I know a woman who kept having children,” another young woman said. After Ayla spoke out, others weren’t so hesitant about it. “She gave two to her sister, and one to a cousin to adopt.”
“I know the one you mean. She seems to be a particularly strong and healthy woman who likes being pregnant and has little trouble giving birth. She is very fortunate. And she has done a great service for her sister, who was unable to have children, I believe because of an accident, and for her cousin who wanted another without carrying it herself,” the large woman said, then turned the talk back to the subject.
“But not all women are as capable, or that lucky. Some women have such a difficult childbirth with one or more, another child may kill them and leave their living children without a mother. Everyone is different. Fortunately, most women are able to have children, but even they may not want, or should not bring every pregnancy to term.
“There are several things that can be done to stop a pregnancy. Some can be dangerous. A strong tea made from an entire tansy plant, root and all, can bring on bleeding, but it can be fatal. A shaved slippery elm stick inserted deeply into the opening from which the child is born can be very effective, but it is always best to talk to your donier, who will know how strong a tea to make or how to insert the stick. There are other measures. Your mothers or your Zelandonia will discuss them with you in greater detail if and when you want to know more.
“The same is true of childbirth. There are many medicines that can speed delivery, stop hemorrhaging, and ease the pain. There is almost always some pain with childbirth,” the First said. “The Great Mother Herself struggled in pain, but most women have little trouble and the pain is soon forgotten. Everyone must bear some pain in her life. It is a part of living, there is no escape from it. It is best to accept it.”
Ayla was interested in the medicines Zelandoni talked about, although the ones she mentioned were relatively simple and well-known. Almost every woman she talked with about it had learned some way to end a pregnancy, though some seemed more dangerous to her than others. Men often didn’t like the idea, and Iza and the other medicine women of the Clan had kept it secret from the men, or they would have forbidden it.
The donier had not talked about preventing life from getting started, and Ayla very much wanted to talk to her about that and perhaps compare notes. Ayla had been midwife at several births. It suddenly occurred to her that she would soon be giving birth herself again. Yes, Zelandoni was right. Pain was a part of living. She had endured great pain in giving birth to Durc, she had almost died, but like the Mother’s great shining son, he had been worth it.
“There is more than physical pain in life,” Zelandoni was saying. Ayla turned her attention back to the woman. “Some pain is worse than physical, but you must accept that, too. As a woman, you have a great responsibility, and a duty that may at times be difficult, but one that you may have to consider someday. There are times when the life you carry is very tenacious. When nothing is able to prevent the pregnancy from progressing, even though you may have decided the life should not have begun. It is always more difficult after the child is born to return it to the Mother, but there are times when it must be done.
“Remember, the ones who are already here must come first. If a second one is born too soon, or is greatly malformed, or other valid reasons, the infant should be returned to Doni. It is the mother’s choice, always, but you must remember your responsibility, and it must be done quickly. As soon as you are able, you must take it outside and lay it on the breast of the Great Earth Mother, as far away as possible from your home, and never near a sacred burial ground or a wandering spirit may try to inhabit the body. Then the spirit will become confused and not be able to find its way to the next world. Such spirits can become evil. Is there anyone here who does not understand exactly what I just said?” This was always a very difficult moment in the pre-mating meeting, and Zelandoni allowed some time for the young women to comprehend the harsh revelation, but they had to understand it and accept it.
No one spoke. The young women had heard rumors and talked among themselves about the distressing duty they might be called upon to perform someday, but this was the first time it had been brought up to them directly. Each young woman there hoped fervently that they would never have to expose a baby to the cold breast of the Great Earth Mother to die. It was a somber thought.
A few of the older women sat tight-lipped with pain in their eyes because theirs had been that awful duty to preserve the life of one by giving up ano
ther. Though it was still not an easy decision, most women would far rather end a pregnancy early than lose a child to whom she had given birth, or worse, to have to do it herself.
Zelandoni’s comments devastated Ayla. She would never be able to, she thought. Memories of Durc flooded back. He was supposed to have been exposed, and she had no say in it. She recalled with anguish the days spent hiding in the little cave to save his life. They had said he was deformed. But he wasn’t. He was just a mixture, of her and Broud, although Broud was the first to condemn him. If Broud had known every time he forced me that Durc would be the result, Ayla thought, he would never have done it! Ayla was tempted to ask why life was not prevented from starting in the first place, but she didn’t trust herself to speak.
Marthona was puzzled by the obvious distress Ayla was feeling. True, it was not an easy thought to bear, but Ayla’s coming baby had little likelihood of having to be given back to the Mother. Maybe it’s just that she’s pregnant, she thought. She must be very sensitive.
There was not much more information to impart. Prohibitions on sharing the Gift of Pleasure when a woman was close to delivery, for a certain period of time afterward, and before, during, or after certain ceremonies. Other duties of a mated woman, the times when it was necessary to fast, other times when certain foods were not to be eaten.
There were also bans against mating with certain people, such as close cousins. Jondalar had explained about close cousins, and when it was mentioned, she had glanced at Joplaya in the unobtrusive, all but unseen way of Clan women. She knew the reason for the aura of sadness that shrouded the beautiful young woman. But she’d heard several people mention kinship signs since they arrived at the Summer Meeting, and she didn’t know what they were talking about. What did it mean to have an incompatible kinship sign? The other women knew all about bans and prohibitions, and she didn’t want to say anything in front of them. She decided to wait until most people left before she asked her question.