by Jean M. Auel
After he returned from his stay with Dalanar, she had often wondered if he would ever really love a woman again, and blamed herself. She knew he still loved her then, and she had been tempted, more than once, to give up the zelandonia and mate him, but as time went along and she never became pregnant, she knew she had made the right choice. She felt sure he would mate someday, and though she had often doubted that he would be capable of giving himself completely to any woman, Jondalar needed children. Children could be loved freely, completely, without reservation, and he needed to love like that.
She had been genuinely happy for him when he returned from his Journey with a woman whom he obviously loved, a woman who was worthy of his love. But she hadn’t realized until then just how much he did love her. The First felt a small twinge of guilt. Maybe she shouldn’t have pushed Ayla so hard to become Zelandoni. Maybe she should have just left the two of them alone. But it was the Mother’s choice, after all.
“She’s so cold. Why is she so cold?” Jondalar said. He stretched her out on the bed, lay down next to her, then half covered her naked body with his own, and pulled the furs over both of them. The wolf jumped up on the bed with them, crowding in close to her other side. Jondalar’s heat filled the space quickly and the wolf’s helped to hold it in. The man held her for a long time, looking at her, kissing her pale, still face, talking to her, pleading with her, begging the Mother for her, until finally his voice, his tears, and heat of his body and the wolf’s began to penetrate her coldest depths.
Ayla wept silently. “You did it! You did it!” the people chanted, accusing her. Then only Jondalar stood there. She heard a wolf howl nearby.
“I’m sorry, Jondalar,” she cried. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
He held out his arms to her. “Ayla,” he gasped. “Give me a son. I love you.”
She started toward the figure of Jondalar standing beside Wolf, and walked between them; then she felt something pulling. Suddenly she was moving, faster, much faster than before, though she felt rooted in place. The mysterious alien clouds appeared and were gone in an instant, yet seemed to take forever. The deep black void swooped by, engulfing her in an unearthly black emptiness that went on endlessly. She fell through the mist, and for a moment saw herself and Jondalar in a bed surrounded by lamps. Then she was inside a frigid, clammy shell. She struggled to move, but she was so stiff, so cold. Finally, her eyelids flickered. She opened her eyes and looked into the tearstained face of the man she loved, and a moment later felt the warm, licking tongue of the wolf.
“Ayla! Ayla! You’re back! Zelandoni! She’s awake! O Doni, Great Mother, thank you. Thank you for giving her back to me,” Jondalar said with a heaving sob. He was holding her in his arms, crying his relief and his love, afraid to hold her too tight for fear he would hurt her, but not ever wanting to let her go. And she didn’t want him to.
Finally he relaxed his embrace to let the Donier look at her. “Get down now, Wolf,” Jondalar said, pushing the animal toward the edge. “You helped her; now let Zelandoni see her.” The wolf jumped off the bed, but sat on the floor looking at them.
The First Among Those Who Served bent over Ayla, and saw open gray-blue eyes and a wan smile. She shook her head in amazement. “I didn’t believe it was possible. I was sure she was gone, lost forever in some dark irretrievable place, where even I could not go to find her to lead her to the Mother. I was afraid the chanting was useless, that nothing could be done to save her. I doubted that anything would ever bring her back, not my most ardent hopes, nor the transcendent wish of every Zelandonii, not even your love, Jondalar. All the zelandonia combined could not have done what you did. I’m almost willing to believe you could have raised her from the Doni’s deepest underworld. I’ve always said the Great Earth Mother would never refuse you anything you asked Her for. I think this proves it.”
The news spread through the Campsite like a wildfire. Jondalar had brought her back. Jondalar had done what the zelandonia could not do. There wasn’t a woman at the Summer Meeting who didn’t wish in her heart that she was loved as much, or a man who didn’t wish he knew a woman whom he could love so strongly. Stories were already beginning, stories that would be told around hearth fires and campfires for years, about Jondalar’s love, so great it brought his Ayla back from the dead.
Jondalar thought about Zelandoni’s comment. He had heard that before though he wasn’t entirely sure what it meant, but it left him feeling uncomfortable to be told that he was so favored by the Mother that no woman could refuse him, not even Doni Herself; so favored that if he ever asked the Mother for anything, She would grant his request. He had also been warned to be careful of what he wished for, because he might get it, although he didn’t really understand what that meant either.
For the first few days, Ayla was utterly exhausted, barely able to move and so weak, there were times when the Donier wondered if she would ever fully recover. She slept a great deal, sometimes lying so still, it was hard to tell if she was still breathing, but her sleep wasn’t always restful. Occasionally, she would lapse into waves of delirium, tossing and turning and speaking out loud, but every time Ayla opened her eyes, Jondalar was there. He hadn’t left her side since she awoke, except to take care of essential needs. He slept on his sleeping furs that he spread out on the floor beside her bed.
Zelandoni wondered, when Ayla seemed to falter, if he wasn’t the only thing that kept her in the world of the living. In fact he was, along with her own inherent will to live, and her years of hunting and exercise, which had given her a strong, healthy body that could recover from devastating experiences, even those that brought her close to death.
Wolf stayed with her most of the time, as well, and seemed to sense when she was ready to wake up. After Jondalar stopped him from jumping up and putting his dirty paws on the bed, Wolf discovered that the height of the bed was just right for him to stand up and lay his head on it to watch her just before she opened her eyes. Jondalar and Zelandoni came to anticipate her waking by the actions of the animal.
Jonayla was so happy to have her mother awake, and Jondy and her mother back together, that she often came into the zelandonia lodge to be with them. Though she didn’t sleep there, if they were both awake, she sometimes stayed awhile, sitting in Jondalar’s lap, or lying beside her mother, even taking a nap with her. Other times she would run in for only a moment, as if to convince herself that all was still well. After she was recovered enough, Ayla usually sent Wolf out with Jonayla, although at first he was torn between staying with the woman and going with the child.
The Donier hovered nearby as well. The First blamed herself for not paying closer attention to the young woman’s condition from the time she first arrived. But Summer Meetings required so much of her time and attention and Ayla had always been hard for her to read. She seldom talked about herself or her problems, and hid her feelings far too well. It was easy to overlook her symptoms of distress.
Ayla looked up from the bed and smiled at the bushy red-haired and bearded giant of a man who was looking down at her. Though not fully recovered, she had recently moved back to the camp of the Ninth Cave. She had been awake, earlier, when Jondalar told her Danug wanted to visit, but she dozed off momentarily before she heard her name softly spoken. Jondalar was sitting beside her, holding her hand, and Jonayla was sitting in his lap. Wolf pounded his tail on the floor beside her bed, in greeting to the young Mamutoi.
“I’m supposed to tell you, Jonayla, that Bokovan and some other children are going to Levela’s hearth to play, and have something to eat. She has some bones for Wolf, too,” Danug said.
“Why don’t you go, Jonayla, and take Wolf,” Ayla said, sitting up. “They would like to see you, and it won’t be long before this Summer Meeting is over. After we go home, you probably won’t see them again until next summer.”
“All right, mother. I’m getting hungry, anyway, and maybe Wolf is too.” The child gave her father and mother a hug, then walked toward the entrance w
ith Wolf behind her. He whined back at Ayla before leaving the lodge, then followed after Jonayla.
“Sit down, Danug,” Ayla said, motioning toward a stool. Then she looked around. “Where’s Druwez?”
Danug sat down beside Ayla. “Aldanor needed a male friend who is not related for something having to do with his upcoming Matrimonial. Druwez agreed to be the one, since I have to fill in as an adopted relative,” Danug said.
Jondalar nodded in understanding. “It’s difficult learning a complete new set of customs. I remember how it was when Thonolan decided to mate Jetamio. Because I was his brother, it made me kin to the Sharamudoi, too, and since I was his only relative, I had to be a part of the ceremonies.”
Though he could speak of the brother he’d lost more easily now, Ayla noticed his expression of regret. It would always be a great sadness to him, she knew.
Jondalar moved closer to Ayla and put his arm around her. Danug smiled at both of them. “First, there is something I need to say to you,” he said with mock severity. “When are you two going to learn who you love? You both have to stop making problems for each other. Listen to me closely: Ayla loves Jondalar and no other man; Jondalar loves Ayla and no other woman. Do you think you can remember that? There never was and never will be anyone else for either one of you. I am going to make a rule that you have to follow for the rest of your lives. I don’t care if everyone else couples with anyone they want; you may only couple with each other. If I ever hear differently, I am going to come back here and tie you both together. Is that understood?”
“Yes, Danug,” Jondalar and Ayla said in unison. She turned to smile at Jondalar, who was smiling back at her; then both grinned at Danug.
“And I’ll tell you a secret. As soon as we can, we’re going to start a baby together,” Ayla said.
“Not yet, though,” Jondalar said. “Not until Zelandoni says you are well enough. But woman, just wait until you are.”
“I’m not sure which Gift is better,” Danug said with a big smile. “The Gift of Pleasure, or the Gift of Knowledge. I think the Mother must love us a lot to make starting a new life such a Pleasure!”
“I think you’re right,” Jondalar said.
“I have tried to translate the Zelandonii Mother’s Song into Mamutoi so I can tell everyone, and when I get back, I’m going to start looking for a mate so I can start a son,” Danug said.
“What’s wrong with a daughter?” Ayla said.
“There’s nothing wrong with a daughter, except I wouldn’t be able to name her. I want a son so I can name him. I’ve never named a child before,” Danug said.
“You’ve never had a child to name before,” Ayla said, laughing.
“Well, that’s true,” Danug said a bit chagrined. “At least none I’ve known of, but you know what I mean. I’ve never had the chance before.”
“I understand how he feels. It doesn’t matter to me whether we have another girl or a boy, but I wonder what it would be like to name a son,” Jondalar said. “But Danug, what if the Mamutoi do not accept the idea that men should name the boys?”
“I just have to make sure that the woman I decide to mate agrees,” Danug said.
“That’s true,” Ayla said. “But why do you have to go back to find a mate, Danug? Why don’t you stay here, like Aldanor? I’m sure you could find a Zelandonii woman who would be pleased to be your mate.”
“And Zelandonii women are certainly beautiful, but in many ways, I’m like Jondalar. Traveling can be exciting, but I need to return to my own people to settle down. Besides, there’s only one woman I would stay here to mate, Ayla,” Danug said, with a wink at Jondalar, “and she’s already claimed.”
Jondalar chuckled, but there was a look in Danug’s eye, a tone in his voice that made Ayla wonder if his jocular statement was said entirely in jest.
“I’m just glad she was willing to come home with me,” Jondalar said. The way Jondalar looked at her with his vivid blue eyes made her tingle all the way to her innermost place. “Danug is right. Doni must really love us to have made making children such a Pleasure.”
“It isn’t all Pleasure for a woman, Jondalar. Giving birth can be very painful,” Ayla said.
“But I thought you said giving birth to Jonayla was easy, Ayla,” Jondalar said, his forehead creased with his familiar frown.
“Even an easy childbirth has some pain, Jondalar. It just wasn’t as bad as I expected,” Ayla said.
“I don’t want to cause you pain,” he said, turning to look at her. “Are you sure we should have another?” Jondalar suddenly remembered that Thonolan’s mate had died giving birth.
“Don’t be silly, Jondalar. Of course we’re going to have another baby. I want one, too, you know. It’s not just you. And it’s not that bad. If you don’t want to start one, though, maybe I can find another man who will,” she said with a teasing smile.
“Oh no you can’t,” Jondalar said, giving her shoulder a hug. “Danug just told you that you may not couple with anyone except me, remember?”
“I never wanted to couple with anyone but you, Jondalar. You are the one who taught me the Mother’s Gift of Pleasure. No one could possibly give me more, maybe because I love you so much,” Ayla said.
Jondalar turned his face away to hide the tears that had come to his eyes, but Danug had looked in another direction and affected not to notice. When Jondalar turned back, he looked at Ayla with great seriousness. “I never told you how sorry I am about Marona. I didn’t really want her that much. She just made it so easy. I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid it would hurt you. When you found us together, I kept thinking how much you must hate me. I want you to know, I love only you.”
“I know you love me, Jondalar,” Ayla said. “Everyone at this whole Summer Meeting knows you love me. I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t love me. In spite of what Danug said, if you ever need to, even if you just want to, you can couple with anyone you want, Jondalar. I don’t even hate Marona anymore. I don’t blame her for wanting you. Who wouldn’t want you? Sharing the Gift of Pleasure isn’t what makes love. It makes babies, but not love. Love can make Pleasures better, but if you love someone, what difference does coupling with someone else once in a while make? Coupling takes a few moments. How can that be more important than a lifetime of love? Even in the Clan, coupling was done just to relieve a man’s needs. You wouldn’t expect me to break our bond just because you coupled with someone else, would you?”
Danug laughed. “If that were a reason, everyone would have to break his bond. People look forward to Festivals to Honor the Mother, to share Pleasures with someone else once in a while. I’ve heard stories that Talut can still couple with as many as six women in a row at Festivals. Mother always said it just gave her a chance to see if any other man could match him. None ever could.”
“Talut is a better man than I am,” Jondalar said. “There was a time, maybe, but I don’t have the stamina anymore. And to be honest, I don’t have the desire.”
“It may just be stories,” Danug said. “I can’t say that I’ve ever seen him with any woman except mother. He spends a lot of time with other leaders, and she spends most of her time at Meetings visiting with relatives and friends. I think most people just like to tell stories.”
There was a pause in the conversation and each of the young people looked at each other. Then Danug spoke up. “I wouldn’t break the mating bond over it, but to be honest, I really would like it better if the woman I mate would share Pleasures with no one except me.”
“What about during Festivals to Honor the Great Earth Mother?” Jondalar asked.
“I know we should all Honor the Mother at festivals and such, but how would I know the children my mate brought to my hearth were mine if she shares Pleasures with someone else?” Danug said.
Ayla looked at them both, and remembered the words of the First. “If a man loves the children a woman brings to his hearth now, why should knowing who started them make any difference?”
“Maybe it shouldn’t, but I would still want them to be mine,” Danug said.
“If you start a child, does that make him yours? Would you own him, like a personal possession?” Ayla asked. “Would you not love a child you didn’t own, Danug?”
“I don’t mean mine in the sense of owning, but mine in the sense that the child would have come from me,” Danug tried to explain. “I probably would grow to care for any child of my hearth, one that didn’t come from me or even one that did not come from my mate. I loved Rydag as a brother, more than a brother, and he was not Talut’s or Nezzie’s, but I would like to know if a child of my hearth was started by me. A woman doesn’t have to worry. She always knows.”
“I understand how Danug feels, Ayla. It makes me happy to know Jonayla came from me. And everyone knows she did because everyone knows you never chose anyone but me. We always Honored the Mother at Festivals, but we always chose each other.”
“I wonder if you’d be so eager to have children of your own if you had to go through the pain along with your mate,” Ayla said. “Some women would be happy if they never had to have children. Not many, but some.”
The men glanced at each other, but neither one looked at Ayla, feeling slightly embarrassed at voicing personal thoughts that seemed to contradict the customs and beliefs of their people.
“By the way, have you heard that Marona is going to mate again?” Danug said, changing the subject.
“She is?” Jondalar said. “No, I didn’t know. When?”
“In a few days, at the Late Matrimonial, when Folara and Aldanor mate,” Proleva said, just coming in. She was followed by Joharran.
“That’s what Aldanor told me,” Danug said.
Greetings were exchanged, the women hugged, and the leader of the Ninth Cave bent down and touched her cheek with his. Low stools were dragged close to Ayla’s bed.