by Lori Folkman
Even with the darkness around them, Kat could see the passion—the depth—behind those eyes. Or maybe she could just feel it. The intensity, the ceaseless assiduity that was the essence of Ben. She could imagine him sitting outside for hours, letting his spirit soar into the vastness of the heavens, just so he could feel small. Insignificant. Powerless. The antithesis of what the rest of humanity was looking to feel. She understood why he would do this, but somehow, she felt he was wrong in looking for that verification. He was bigger than the rest of the specks for a reason. But she didn’t know how to say that without taking away his blissful state. She thought it through carefully, choosing her words with precision.
“You see that star right there?” she asked. When Ben had his eyes on it as well, she began her approach of the issue. “You see how bright it is?”
“Yeah.” Ben’s tone sounded like “Ah … hello? You just noticing some of the stars are brighter than others?”
She hadn’t proved herself to be a real brainiac so far that night, so she jumped into her prose quickly. “Do you think that maybe the reason it’s brighter is because it has a greater responsibility? Like to guide night-travelers? And that if it wanted to be like all the other stars—small and dim—people might get lost. People always need something—or someone—to guide them. They are always looking for leaders, role models. Stars to guide the way.”
He looked at her with creased eyebrows. Not that he looked angry, but more contemplative. “So you don’t think I should want to be … small. Like everyone else?”
“I can see why … why you’d want that. It’s completely understandable that you would want to just blend sometimes. But no matter how much you wish for that, it’s not going to change who you are. You have a great privilege to lead, to do good, to help others find their way. You have an opportunity that reformists around the world spend their waking—and sleeping hours—praying for.”
“I’m just a musician, Kat. Not a reformist. I don’t have an agenda. I’m just supposed to entertain. Not preach to people.”
“I know. Right now, that’s what it’s about. But you are the voice of our generation. Do you realize how amazing that is? When you sing, the world listens. Don’t you see the power in that? The power to do good. The power to lead. The power to change lives, and change the world.”
He was still quiet, but he leaned in closer. The creased eyebrows were gone. He pulled up the sleeve on his sweatshirt and held up his arm. “You gave me goose bumps,” he whispered. His eyes looked bright, but concerned. “I guess I haven’t thought about it like that. I spend most of my time just trying to stay on top. It’s … hard to balance sometimes. Like running on a log. You can’t ever slow down … can’t ever lose your momentum. It’s tiring. Consuming.”
Her heart bled for him. He sounded so … overwhelmed. So fatigued. She regretted adding more weight to his life. “I can’t even imagine … how you keep your balance. I’m so impressed with your stamina. And that’s what makes you a natural leader. People need someone that they can count on. Someone who will never surrender. But, I don’t think you need to worry about all that right now. Just know that you’re in training, and that someday, when you see injustice, you’ll be ready to step up and lead.”
Ben grasped her hand in his. “You’re pretty awesome,” he said. His voice was quiet, like he was overcome with emotion.
“You’re pretty amazing yourself,” she replied. “This entire night. Wow. It’s been incredible. Thank you … for all of this. And for asking me to prom. Are you sure you want to go? It’s in a high school, after all.”
“Of course I want to go.” He was quiet, and then he asked, “Why? You want to go, don’t you?” She could hear the apprehension in his voice.
“Shya. Totally.”
“You sure? Because you did … hesitate when I asked you.”
She gave a little laugh. “I did, didn’t I?” She rolled to her side, completely turning her body towards him. “I was just a little … in awe. It was so unexpected.” At the time, she’d thought that surely she was dreaming. It seemed so idyllic. Too good to be true. She’d worried that she’d look down and find herself naked in front of all those people. That was more like what happened in her dreams. But then he’d brought her out of that trance and asked her again. “Well, Kat?” he’d said. Wow. He was the one that was naked—exposed. He’d made himself entirely vulnerable. He had asked Kat to prom even though he knew that she was mad at him. She could have said no. Well, actually, she knew she couldn’t have. How could she ever say no to Ben? But he didn’t know that—did he? He had risked public humiliation. For her. It was more than endearing. It was like he had taken her heart away from her body and locked in up in a tower that could never be accessed. She would never get her heart back. Ever. And she actually didn’t want it back. She wanted Ben to have it, forever.
“I can’t wait to go … with you. Although it will be hard to beat this night. We might just have to stay here forever—so we don’t have to feel that letdown. When we have to go back to real life.”
“I’m all for that.” His voice sounded wistful. Low. Seductive.
She had better get back on the subject. “So are we going to go with a group, or just the two of us?” she asked. Then she had to add, “To prom,” because he seemed confused.
“Oh. I don’t know. Whatever you want. It’s your school. Your friends.” Then he chuckled. “Do you think Jack would go … with that girl from the roller rink?” He laughed again.
Ben hadn’t seen that girl close up. So he didn’t know that she was majorly old. So Kat had to tell Ben about that little confrontation with Jack and what’s her name? “She looked like she was the governor of Goochland.”
“Whoa. Weird. That’s totally out-of-character for Jack. What gives?”
“I don’t know.” Kat thought about it for the first time since they’d left Dudley’s. If she didn’t know any better, she would have thought that Jack was jealous or something. But that just didn’t make any sense.
“You think he’s jealous of us?” Ben asked. Mind reader.
“I can’t imagine that he would be. I mean …”
“I know. He’s your stepbrother. So he shouldn’t be jealous. But I can see that it’s complicated. Especially since you’re not even technically related.”
Oh boy. Here it was. Golden opportunity. Kat could feel the acid in her stomach, but she knew she needed to do it. “You know Ben, about that: Jackson and I.” Um … how to say it? Just blurt it out or tell the entire story? “We’re not. It’s not like you think. Jackson’s really …”
Ben interrupted her. “No, it’s okay Kat. I don’t need to know about it. It doesn’t matter what happened between you guys.”
“Um … what do you mean?”
“The time you guys kissed. You told me. Remember? That day on the pier. I didn’t want the details then; and I still don’t. You don’t need to feel like you’re keeping something from me. It’s between you and Jack. I’m fine with it.”
“Um. Kay. Thanks. But …” here goes, “he’s not really …”
Ben interrupted again. “You know what, Kat? I haven’t even given it a second thought. I don’t think its weird or anything. Plus, you said you guys were really young. We all do stupid things when our hormones are wigging out.”
“Yeah.” He got that right. It was totally stupid. She could blame it on her hormones. She was just twelve after all. Undergoing all those changes. But. It had seemed like so much more at the time.
There had never been a question in her mind—up until that point four years ago—that she was going to spend her life with Jack. He was her soul mate. She was sure of it. She’d planned on marrying him ever since she could remember. So when they’d gone roller skating and found themselves alone in a dark corner, it had just seemed natural. That kiss had sent so much electricity through her body that she thought her socks had caught on fire.
But then the aftermath.
Jack had shunne
d her. Full-on ignored her for months to follow. Hadn’t said a word to her about it. It crushed her. Left her feeling insecure. Worthless. And confused.
Then one day their freshman year, he seemed to have decided that they could be friends again. Without so much as an explanation, he’d started hanging out with her again. Acted like they were BFF’s.
It took Kat a while to re-grow her trust. Kay, not that long. She never had been one who could hold a grudge. But it had changed. They really were just friends. She never had another thought about him being her soul mate. Because that was about the time that Ben’s second album was released. She’d set her sights higher than just plain old Jackson Scott—the boy she’d played with since her infancy. The boy she knew everything about.
“So now I need to answer your question.” He leaned forward on his elbow, his face looking eager and serene.
“What question?”
“The one from the pier. You’re willing to talk about it—my question. Even though it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing. So now I think it’s time that I answer yours.”
She was lost. What was he talking about?
Oh. The “I Have Never” game.
His challenge had to do with her kissing her nonexistent stepbrother. He thought that was why she had brought up Jackson just then. So the question Ben hadn’t answered that day on the pier? Oh boy. She felt goose bumps prick across her body.
“The answer is no. No, I have never been in love.”
Um, ouch? Thanks for nothing, Ben. But then he continued.
“At least up until that point. I was right that I didn’t know what love was. But I do now. Now that I know you.”
Kat’s stomach jumped. It felt like it was suspended in mid-air, unattached to the rest of her body.
Ben leaned within inches of her face and grabbed a strand of her hair. He wound it around his finger. “Being away from you cemented my … my feelings. It made me realize how lost I am without you. It makes me entirely restless. Like a part of my soul is missing. You complete me. You soothe me. You inspire me. I am completely, irrevocably, in love with you.”
Kat couldn’t get to Ben fast enough. The few inches that separated their bodies was too much. She wanted to feel his lips on hers. She wanted the vibrancy of his embrace. Soon she realized she wasn’t sitting in her recliner anymore. More or less, she was sitting on his. And partially on Ben as well. She kissed him with every emotion contained in her soul. She wanted him to know—without words, especially since her words would never be as symphonic, as charming as his—that she loved him, from the very tip of her curly hair, down to the bottom of her manicured toenail.
……
This is Juliet Hamblin with your HTV Weekend Report: Breaking news: we have confirmation of Benja-trina folks! According to our sources, Ben Wilder showed up at Dudley’s Roller Rink earlier this evening and performed for a small, unsuspecting crowd—serenading one person in particular: Katrina Hayes. This serenade was Ben’s clever way of asking Katrina to her spring formal.
Oh! That is so sweet! He’s taking her to prom?
She accepted, so it looks like Ben will be attending the Waldren High Prom at the end of the month. And this looks like more than just a prom date: some of the lucky patrons at the skating rink have sent in videos: it looks like there’s a lotta love goin’ on between those two, doesn’t it, Eve?
They sure aren’t holding back. So your suspicions were right, Juliet. Ben and Katrina are obviously more than friends. Ha … and it appears that Ben doesn’t skate as well as he sings, does he?
He certainly could benefit from some skating lessons. Looks like Katrina could teach him.
Yeah: she’s pretty good. Graceful, even. Gotta love those cell-phone videos. Those kids down at the roller rink did a great job getting this footage: it’s priceless.
What a memory, huh? Having Ben Wilder fall down two feet in front of you. It’s certainly a side of Ben we don’t see very often.
And he’s not just falling on skates: it definitely looks like he’s fallen for Katrina Hayes.
Lucky girl.
Also, more news from the Wilder camp: it was released that Dan Wilder’s drummer, a man by the name of Emmet Halgren, was found dead in his New York City apartment this morning. Emmet played on Dan’s first three albums, and accompanied Dan on tour for those albums as well. You might remember his face from some of those early music videos.
I do … I remember him. He was a good-looking man, and a talented drummer. Did the reports state the cause of death?
Cause of death has been listed as a drug overdose. According to Emmet’s family, he had been struggling with a heroin addiction for several years. In a statement issued by Emmet’s mother, she says that, “While we are deeply saddened at this loss, we are grateful that Emmet is finally at rest and will no longer be tormented by this dreadful disease.”Also, a statement was issued by the Wilders, saying, “We wish to give condolences to the family of Emmet Halgren. Our thoughts and prayers are with his loved ones at this painful time.”
The Wilders certainly know the pain the Halgren’s are feeling.
Mmm, they sure do. It’s interesting to note that Emmet was the last surviving member of Dan’s band. It certainly marks the end of the Dan Wilder era.
What a relief that Dan has Ben to carry on the legacy.
About the Author …..
Lori Folkman has been creating stories since her childhood, back when she would play hooky from school to continue the drama that was unfolding in Barbieland (aka Lori’s bedroom). Her Donny Osmond Doll typically played the romantic lead. Besides playing with her imaginary friends, Lori also enjoys reading, watching movies, exploring Montana’s back roads, and spending summers at the lake. She lives in Northwest Montana with her husband and five children.
Generations is the first book in the Wilder Times series.
Visit her website: lorifolkman.com