The expression on his face said, “No,” and when he opened his mouth to protest, I shut him down unreservedly, “Now. I want to see Valerie, right now. I’ve waited long enough, but my patience has run out, I want to see for myself how she’s doing.”
The doctor chewed on the side of his lip, but he knew that his words just weren’t enough. Nodding his head he pulled on the door handle and swept his arm through for me to step out into the corridor.
“I was thinking you might have wanted to see your son first, Flynn, then you would be able to update Mom on what’s happening with him.”
To me, that felt like a low blow—like he was making me choose one over another. However, from my perspective, I wouldn’t have been able to listen properly to anything the nurses told me about our boy until I saw that his mom was recovering from the operation.
Eventually, the doctor’s shoulders slumped in defeat, and I was guided into a small recovery room. It felt peaceful and calm. It was a sedate haven of quiet, apart from the constant beep of the machine measuring Valerie’s heart rate on the screen. As I stepped closer to the bed, she looked pale but relaxed, not in pain, as I would have expected. They’d tied her hair up away from her beautiful face. Glancing up my eyes traced the clear bag of fluid that dripped slow drops into a smaller container attached to the tube that ran into the back of her hand.
“Your young lady is extremely lucky you acted so quickly and decisively. She’s heavily sedated right now,” the small plump middle-aged OR recovery nurse with the kind face said, as she looked up at me.
I was about to comment on her perspective on lucky, but Valerie and our baby were alive, so I refrained because in her line of work sometimes maybe that wasn’t always the case.
Pulling up a chair, the nurse nodded her head, directing me to sit. I did and took Valerie’s limp hand in mine. It felt warm, so I lifted it to my mouth and kissed it, “I love you so much,” I whispered softly. My eyes glanced back at the nurse, and she gave me a half smile before tending to a clipboard to record something she’d noted on the screen above Valerie’s head.
I lay my head down at the side of her in my need to feel closer, figuring our baby was well taken care of. As I stared openly at her, I admitted to myself I hadn’t wanted to see my baby alone. She’d been unconscious when he was born, and she hadn’t seen him yet. It hadn’t felt right for me to have the privilege of being the first parent to touch him.
That may not have been the right reaction to have, but I’d never parented before, and there wasn’t anything in any of the books I’d read about what to do in situations like ours. Struggling to come to terms with how fast everything had happened gave me a crushing pain in my chest.
The unit taking care of our baby told me via the nurse that our baby was resting and doing fine, they knew where I was, and what I was waiting for. The sweet little nurse taking care of my girl had made me feel better when she said the staff on the unit were probably thankful for being able to tend to him without me for a little while.
It was almost an hour before Valerie woke.
Although my head was on the bed, I was still holding her hand when I felt it slip from between my fingers and tug on my hair.
“Hey,” she said, gruffly her voice barely there, “I need a drink.”
Looking at the nurse, she shook her head, “I’ll get some ice to start with, and we’ll see how it goes,” she stated, adjusting the drip flow before she left the room, presumably to find some.
“Do you remember what happened?” I pressed gently.
“I started bleeding,” she said as if she’d just remembered, and her hand flew to her stomach.
“Is he—”
“Here…he’s here,” I said trying to smile as I took her hand in mine again. I brought it reverently to my lips once more, but my heart was in splinters inside my chest.
“He’s too early,” she said, tears blurring her eyes.
“Yeah, he’s a little early, but babe he’s doing just fine. Breathing on his own, they’re just going to keep him warm in his own little sound booth until he’s ready to cut his first album.” I’d said trying to take the shock out of the horrible situation for her.
“What does he look like?”
I briefly wondered if she’d be mad that I hadn’t gone straight to him, but I had my reasons for being by her side. I’d loved her first, and it was only right we fell in love with our baby at the same time. That may sound selfish, but with all that we’d been through I’d wanted our life as a family to start together.
Another hour and Valerie was sitting up in bed. The nurse had increased her pain relief, and they’d agreed to let us see our baby on the way to her private room when they transferred her. She asked if she could be in a wheelchair, but was told she had to stay in bed for the next few hours as they’d wanted to keep an eye on her bleeding, her abdominal wound, and she’d been heavily medicated.
Once the orderlies arrived, Valerie and I were taken to the neonatal unit, and I was scared shitless. I’d thought I knew how much they both meant to me, but the emotions running through my body were almost uncontrollable. It was so fucking hard to pretend to be strong because I was her protector. Truthfully, I’d been a spectator in all of this. Valerie had been the one who’d almost lost her life.
When we entered the first room, we were directed to wash our hands, and the strong smell of disinfectant warned of how serious the unit were about hygiene. I told myself the sterile smell was a good thing. Valerie was given sanitizer then we were taken into an empty space. Which when her bed was pushed in I realized it was another room. I was so disorientated. We watched through the window while an incubator was unplugged from the wall, and wheeled in our direction, it disappeared from sight then the doors were held open with door stoppers and it was wheeled alongside Valerie’s bed.
My eyes were glued to the tiny pink baby lying naked except for a too big diaper on his butt, and a blue knitted beanie on his head. He was lying on his front cuddled up on a tiny sheepskin rug. Neither Valerie nor I spoke as she fumbled to find my hand without tearing her eyes away from him. My love for our baby was instant. A bolt struck straight through my heart that could never be removed.
Tilting my head to look at Valerie, I watched her eyes scan over him as a mother’s would, to ensure that everything was where it should be.
“Do you want to hold him, Valerie?” The nurse asked in a gentle, encouraging tone.
I was glad she’d asked her because I wasn’t going to be first. The whole size of him was less than one of my forearms. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him. I felt huge and clumsy staring down at him through the glass.
“Can I?” she replied, in a small voice that showed a rare vulnerability about her.
“Of course, he’s your baby. You haven’t told us his name yet,” the nurse said.
“Valerie looked wide-eyed at me because I’d been calling him Junior, and Valerie had said we’d wait until we saw what he’d look like.
Valerie smirked, “Tell me if you hate it but I have something in mind,” she said to me, as we’d both watched the nurse who’d opened the side of his makeshift womb, unhooked the small Velcro strap attached to his foot, and lifted him out of the box full of portholes.
Alarm bells suddenly rang, and I swear I almost died from fright. “It’s okay, your baby is lying on an apnea alarm that picks up his breathing, and the one around his foot measures his oxygen. I’ve taken them off for Mom to have a cuddle.”
I stared at the nurse like she’d grown horns—she could have told us that before we’d both nearly had heart attacks. The fright she gave me had shaved a few years off my life.
The moment our son was placed in Valerie’s arms, my love went to a new level. The respect I had for her before was immense, but it was unparalleled by the new found one that had taken over for the experience we’d shared that day.
My woman and my son sat before me in a vision that I could hardly comprehend, but even then, when the nur
se helped Valerie to drop the front of her hospital gown and placed him on a pillow under her arm to feed, my eyes had teared up, and I let them fall.
I’d thought it a strange way of feeding him before I remembered that Valerie had a permanent scar, a reminder of what she went through to bring him safely into this world. I stared in wonder at her strength. A few hours previously, her body had almost failed her, and there she was full of life, and taking care of our son.
“Don’t you like it? Did you have something else in mind?”
“Huh? I said shaking myself out of my daydream.
“Didn’t you hear what I said, Flynn?” Valerie asked glancing at me with a concerned expression.
“No I was staring at your breasts,” I’d said to cover up the collision of thoughts going through my brain, and the explosion I was trying to defuse inside as my emotions threatened to engulf me. What I’d meant to say was I was watching her try to feed our son.
“Liam Mack Flynn Docherty.”
“You want to give him my name?”
“He’s your son, Flynn. Don’t you want that?”
I flashed my girl a crooked smile, proud that she’d wanted that. Of course, I did. “Liam?”
“Irish— goes with the surname. Can’t call him Sebastian or Zachery now can I?”
“Why Mack?
“M for Martin, A for Adam, Canyon, and K for Kayden.”
I nodded my approval it was perfect, and pulled a chair closer to her. Once he had a name, I felt braver about getting to know my son, now that I wasn’t window-shopping.
When I touched him for the first time, my heart melted. I knew instantly I was in so much trouble. I’d made up my mind that little guy was going to want for nothing, and his mom was going to be in charge of all the discipline because I was fucked. He could have anything he wanted from me.
I glanced at Valerie, and she was tilting her head, “Don’t get any ideas about me being the baddy in our parenting, Flynn. I think this little man is going to have me wrapped around his little finger.”
I chuckled because she’d busted me and read my mind. My index finger wandered to his tiny hand. He was playing with Valerie’s nipple, his mouth rooting back and forth, but he had no idea what to do with it. I snickered because I knew that would change soon enough and he’d be feeding like a demon.
I placed my hand on his back, and his skin was so thin and pure it had been almost transparent. I tried not to be scared, but I knew if anything happened to either one of them, without a doubt, I wouldn’t live another day. A thought flitted through my brain for Valerie’s parents, and I shook that off because my mind wouldn’t allow me to go there.
A few minutes later, the nurse took Liam and placed him back in his warm bed, and explained that because of his age he would stay on the unit. I took the opportunity to lean in and whisper to Valerie, “Thank you, babe. Thank you for our son, neither of us were ready for this, but he’s here, and I promise you, I’ll try my best to never let either of you down.”
Valerie stretched up to touch my cheek and winced, “I think I need to rest, Flynn. My belly is starting to hurt.” The nurse nodded, and a few minutes later we were taken to her room. I settled her in, and the nurse gave her something for pain straight into her hand. Valerie was asleep in less than a minute.
I left the room and found Lee waiting for me at the end of the corridor by the nurse’s station, “How is she doing? How’s the baby? I hate to bring this up, boss, but it’s almost 3:00 pm. I haven’t told anyone you’re here, and you’re needed in Tennessee tomorrow. You have five more gigs to end the run. Also, don’t you think you should call Valerie’s parents and Kayden?”
I’d clean forgotten I’d only gone home for the night to see her, and I was left with the dilemma of leaving them to go to work. My instincts were if I blew off the gig I’d be seen as unreliable even given the circumstances by those that quoted regularly, “The show must go on no matter what.”
My heart was with Valerie and our son, but at the same time, everything she’d worked for was on the line. If it had been my decision, it would have been to cancel the shows and refund, but I knew that would stress Valerie out even more.
Despite everything I knew, I’d have to talk to her about it. One thing I’d been certain of, I wasn’t leaving her that day, and that was final. It was only a few hours flight to Tennessee. I had a day at least before I had to be anywhere.
Chapter 39 ~ Flynn
Reluctance
Calling Valerie’s parents made me nervous. After all, she’d been put at risk by having my baby. Her mom cried on the phone and passed me to her dad before I’d even told her how they were doing.
It must have been a bittersweet moment for her, but a scary one as well, knowing that Valerie had been through all of that. I suppose her mom still saw her as a kid. I hadn’t viewed her that way for some time because it was difficult to accept that she was barely twenty years old, with all the stuff she’d faced.
Lee called Kayden to tell him, and forty-five minutes later, all three arrived in a shocked and worried state at the hospital. Valerie had woken up again, and wasn’t exactly pain-free, but put on a brave face for the time her family visited her.
When her mom entered the room, she looked horrified, like she couldn’t face another of her babies to suffer. Valerie smiled and quickly reassured her that she was fine, and diverted the topic to Liam, and how wonderful he was. I hugged her mom and rubbed her back because her tears came anyway, and when I looked over at her dad, I could see he was struggling too much himself to offer her comfort in that moment.
Kayden was trying to be pragmatic about what we may need, and I saw through that as his way of coping with the sudden change in his status as Liam’s uncle. They weren’t able to see the baby right away, but the staff on the unit where the baby was had taken loads of pictures, and a little video. I emailed them to their phones, and they cooed in wonder when they’d seen them.
I was glad when Valerie’s nurse shooed them out after half an hour because I knew my girl was in pain, and I wasn’t happy that she’d put on a brave face to be sociable when it had been the last thing she’d felt. They left after I’d made promises to keep them fully informed and after they’d gone I was pleased that they’d set me up a cot at the end of her bed so that I could stay with her. Valerie’s eyebrows went to the ceiling when they’d brought it into the room.
“What are you doing, Flynn? You have a commitment in Tennessee. Our baby is stable, and you’ve still got a job to do.”
“You’re fucking joking right? I’m not going anywhere. You need me here.”
“No I want you here, and you want to be here, that’s not the same thing.”
I stared her down, but even in pain, Valerie was strong and defiant.
“I’m not leaving you.”
“And I’m not asking you to leave. I’m telling you to go do your job.”
“Valerie, my place is here with you and our son. He’s tiny and…”
“He needs diapers and clothes and when he’s older a car and a house,” she threw back at me in a ridiculous argument. “I know the timing of this couldn’t be worse. We never planned for any of this to happen. The pregnancy, Liam arriving early, but we did plan your career. I know you won’t like this, but unless you studied obstetrics or pediatrics, I don’t need you right now. That may not be what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. I’m going to be here for days, and unless you can teach me to breastfeed, dress my belly wound or express my milk you don’t have that much going for you, to be frank.”
I felt rejected. Valerie was harsh, and her words cut me to the bone because I wanted to be at the hospital, but she was right. I couldn’t do any of those things for her, and because of how much blood she’d lost, and how early the baby was they’d said her stay would be at least five more days. I had no idea it took longer for breast milk to come in for C-sections and premature babies.
Relenting after we talked, she let me stay the night. I
reluctantly left the following morning for Knoxville, but I’d left my heart right there in the hospital. Part of me wondered if people would judge me for jumping around entertaining people while my boy and his mom had just been through such a traumatic time, but it was Valerie’s belief in me that drove me forward. She’d put her career on hold and brought me that far, so I had to perform no matter what.
As predicted, there were a couple of pictures that the paparazzi tried to bring me down with, and their headlines suggested I was living it up while my girl and premature son hadn’t even left the hospital. I was fucking livid about that, but Valerie’s opinion was the only one that mattered. She was right, had I been in any other job I would have had to carry on regardless, but the shit that went with my particular line of work made that decision much harder to live with. When I saw that headline, no matter what, as soon as each concert was done I’d flown straight back where I belonged.
I’d had five more gigs over eight days to complete the tour, and for a couple of the dates, I really hadn’t wanted to leave her. Liam was sleepy, and having phototherapy for jaundice, and he’d had to lie under strong UV lights to break down the bilirubin that was in his blood, making him look yellow. Once he’d gotten past that little hiccup, he seemed to thrive, got fatter and looked more normal baby-like size every day.
Liam was three days old by the time I’d finally got to hold him properly. The nurse directed me to open my shirt, and as soon as she’d placed him on my chest and my hand felt the warmth of his back my throat seized up with emotion. Luckily I’d had no words to describe how that had made me feel inside, so I just held him close, and smelled his head, but the bonding I had with his warm little body next to my skin was like no other.
I managed to fly home and out again for every concert and by the time I’d done the last one Valerie was able to come home. That meant no rest for either of us as we traveled back and forth several times a day to see our son, and take breast milk for him. I worried about her, she’d been recovering from surgery, and it had seemed like all the responsibilities for Liam fell to her while all I could do was take her there help hook her up to that breast milk extractor thing and be with her.
Ready For Flynn, Part 2 : A Rockstar Romance (The Ready For Flynn) Page 34