But some instinct tells me that’s not what she needs, and if I want her, I’m going to need to hear this story. That she needs to get it out so it can stop having power over her.
I nod, release her, before taking her hand. We make our way to the shoreline and sit on the sandy beach, close enough that the water laps over our feet, keeping us cool in the hot sun. She bends her knees and curves her arms around them, looking out into the vast blue ocean.
Protecting herself so she can continue. She blows out a deep breath. “I’m not sure there’s much to tell. I met Trevor my junior year of college and convinced myself it was love at first sight. He was a typical frat guy, and all he really wanted from me was a hookup. I was so infatuated with him, every time he decided to pay me the least bit of attention I was like an eager puppy at the dinner table, looking for any stray scraps that came my way.”
I instantly understand the kind of relationship she meant. Although I wasn’t sure you can call it a relationship. Xavier had girls like that, girls that would jump the second he called. Girls he could pick up the phone and they’d drop whatever they were doing and come over and do all sorts of salacious acts to prove to him they were better than all the rest.
She never was. X never gave those girls a moment’s thought when he wasn’t with them.
That one sentence is all Ashley needs to tell me to show me the cycle she’d put herself through, and how it had worn her down until that’s who she believed herself to be.
I nod, put my hand on her back and rub, to encourage her to keep going with her story.
She bites her lower lip. “I let him use me, because I told myself this would be the time he stayed. When that no longer worked, I deluded myself into thinking he wasn’t a commitment guy, and that emotionally I was important because I was the only girl who he kept coming back to.” She hugs her knees tighter and shakes her head. “I let it go on because in my head I was desperately in love with him.”
I make big circles over her warm skin with my palm. “What happened?”
She laughs, and it’s full of bitterness. “I was with him, and a week later he met a dancer. They eloped to Vegas practically the second they met.”
Ouch. That had to hurt. When you’ve bought the story you’re selling yourself, you crash long and hard. “I’m sorry. That must have sucked.”
She huffs. “Yeah, it did. After, I went crazy. It’s like I had to find some way to make him pay. To make him crazy with jealousy so I went into a downward spiral of one-night stands and a bunch of crazy-stupid acts I don’t even want to think about.”
The sad fact was, all of Ashley’s self-destructive behavior was for naught; this asshole Trevor never gave a shit about her.
Her acts didn’t hurt him—they only hurt her.
I can tell she’s beating herself up, so I offer her a smile to let her know I’m not beating her up about it. I don’t know what makes me even say it, but I follow my instincts. “You mean stupid acts like propositioning Chad?”
She screeches and buries her face in between her arms and groans. “Oh my god, you know about that?”
I laugh and pull her close, kissing the top of her head. “Yeah, he told me the night of the engagement party.”
“It’s so humiliating!” She puts her head on my shoulder, which pleases me immensely. “Why don’t you hate me?”
I squeeze her shoulders. “Because I know it has nothing to do with him. You were trying to fill a void, Ashley. Everyone does that sometimes, in a million different ways. Some are just more self-destructive than others.”
She sniffs. “Well, I did that before Ruby and Chad were even together. I did apologize after the fact. So it’s not like she doesn’t know and it’s some sort of secret.”
“I know, Ruby was there when he told me. It was their argument for why you were on the rebound and my virtue needed to be protected.” Besides, Chad and Ruby have no secrets.
She gazes up at me and wrinkles her nose. “For the record, I’m not carrying a torch for your brother.”
I chuckle, releasing her to tuck a hand under her chin. “I know that.”
“Nothing happened either, he turned me down flat.”
“I know that too.” I stroke my finger down the line of her jaw. “If it makes you feel better, it was nothing personal. Chad has a very particular type, and you’re not it.” I don’t know a ton about my brother’s sexual practices, but I know enough to discern he only dates submissive girls. Ruby being the last and final one on the list.
She bites her lower lip. “It doesn’t matter. But you’re not a substitute.”
I want to kiss her, to take her mouth and show her exactly how I feel about her, but that breaks my promise so I settle for dipping my gaze to her mouth and wishing. “I know.”
“You do?” Her voice is a whisper.
“Yes. It was too hot between us, too intense for there to be room for anyone else.” I grip her chin and squeeze, controlling my desire to claim her. “When my cock was inside you, and I looked into your eyes, we were the only two people in the world.”
“Yes. Exactly.” Her hand comes up to my shoulder. “I want to believe, but I don’t know how.”
“All I can do is show you, Ashley.” Unfortunately, the night of our wild sex played into all her fears about herself, reinforcing she was the kind of girl you slept with for one night before going on to another, better woman. I can’t change that, but I can at least try to explain how I feel about her. I release my hold on her jaw, run a palm over her shoulder and pick up her hand to put it over my heart. “I wish I’d known, that I hadn’t gotten so carried away and courted you properly. All I can do is ask you this question, if this were about sex, if I only wanted you for a night, why am I here? Why am I introducing you to my friends? Spending every second I can with you?”
She sucks in a breath. “I don’t know.”
I press her palm harder into my chest and meet her eyes. “You know if I kissed you right now, you’d melt. That I could have you in my bed by the time it takes to get back to our hotel. But I’m not taking advantage of the fact that I could probably make you come right here on the beach with everyone watching. I’m letting you dictate that, and do you know why?”
She swallows hard and looks at me with those big, bright blue eyes. “Why?”
“Because it’s not about getting you into bed. I know how to get you into bed. It’s because you’re important. What you want and need, who you are, matters to me.”
Her eyes well with unshed tears and she clutches my arm. “Thank you.”
“There’s no need to thank me, that’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“I know.” She relaxes, fractionally, and I think I’ve made a difference.
Over her head I see Jace waving to me. I squeeze her hand, steady and firm, over my beating heart. “They’re signaling us over, I think it’s time to snorkel.”
She nods. “Okay.”
We stand and she dashes into the sea, dunking herself under, I presume to wash the sand away and I watch her. Her hair streaming wet down her back, yellow bikini highlighting all that golden skin, and my chest squeezes.
I could love this girl someday. And I think she could love me back.
If she lets herself. If I can make her believe.
Chapter Nine
Ashley
After our talk on the beach, things had changed between Christopher and me. It was exciting and terrifying and real.
I want to grab hold and never let go.
That day, and the two days that followed, have gone down on my list of the best days of my life. I slipped into the group of Christopher’s friends like I’d been part of them forever and I loved it. Loved them. With them I was free. I laughed. Talked. Had fun.
But mainly, it was Christopher.
After our talk, we’d dropped the pretense of being just friends. He still hadn’t broken his promise, still hadn’t kissed me or seduced me into his bed, and I understood he wouldn’t, that the move
was mine to make, and he’d wait as long as necessary for me to be ready. But he’d held my hand, stroked down my back, rubbed a finger over the curve of my shoulder, put his hand on my leg so I silently screamed for him to go further.
And as much as I wanted to give in, I’m enjoying the anticipation.
This morning when he’d been on his early break, he’d called me and asked if we could go to dinner just the two of us. I didn’t hesitate. As much as I loved his friends, I found myself wanting to be alone with Christopher.
In preparation for the night to come, I’d spent the day pampering myself. I kept true to my quest, which surprised me. I’d taken another yoga class, with the pretty instructor Xavier was sleeping with. I’d done a guided meditation, sat by the pool and read one of my books, before getting a massage, manicure and pedicure, and wax.
I’d gone into town and bought a dress, a slinky pale pink sundress that highlighted my new tan and clung to my curves, dipping low on my cleavage and leaving my back bare. It was a dress meant to seduce, and that’s what I wanted. Not because of some game, not to get Christopher’s attention, because I already had that, but I wanted to show him he was worth my effort.
Just as I smoothed the dress over my hips there was a knock at the door. I looked at myself in the mirror, liking what I saw. My hair was loose, curling gently over my shoulders, my makeup light, enhancing my sun-kissed glow. I looked pretty. Exactly how I wanted. And best of all, I’d lost the desperate glint in my eyes that had been dogging me for months.
I’d done that. Not, Christopher, me.
I smile. He was going to reap the benefits, but it was all me.
I walk over and open the door, the smile still on my lips.
The second our eyes meet, tension fills the small space between us, crackling on the air. A muscle in his fine jaw ticks as he skims the length of me, slowly and deliberately, making me shiver with desire.
He looks gorgeous. His butterscotch hair a bit disheveled, his melted-caramel eyes hot, his shoulders broad in a white button down, hips lean in a pair of tan linen pants. The outfit should make him look harmless and boring, but it did none of those things. Instead, the neutral colors highlighted the color of his skin, and masculine features.
I want to eat him up. Devour him.
“Hi.” My tone is a bit too breathless.
“Hi.” When his attention dips to my breasts he pauses, and his eyes rake over me, making my nipples tighten to hard, points clearly visible under my dress. He cocks a brow.
I clear my throat. “Are you ready to go?”
I’m not sure if it’s because we know we’ll be alone all night, but electricity shimmers and sparks, distracting me. Making me want him.
“Yeah.” His voice is hoarse, growly and delicious.
“I just need my purse.” I turn and walk to the dresser to grab it before coming back to stand in front of him.
He continues to stare at me, almost like he’s never seen me before.
I shift on the balls of my feet. “Is everything okay?”
“You’re gorgeous.”
I flush with pleasure. “Thank you.”
“What am I going to do with you?”
I smile. “Um...take me to dinner?”
He tilts his head out into the hallway. “I will. But first you need to understand something.”
“Yes, Christopher?” I ask in my sweetest tone.
He takes my hand and raises it to his mouth. His breath is soft over my knuckles, and the press of his lips makes my knees quiver. When he lifts his head from my fingers, he says, “The way you look makes me feel completely uncivilized. I am determined to be a gentleman, but you have to know, the leash I have on my baser instincts is starting to fray. So, as unbelievable as you look, maybe you could put something else on to help the cause.” He flashes me a devilish grin. “That is if you have any kindness within you.”
Our eyes lock and I know it’s going to be tonight. At some point, I’m going to slide over to him, press my mouth to his and ask him to take me. I’ve thought about my quest, my vows and I believe them, but I also am trying to listen to myself.
I don’t think Christopher and I are going to work out.
I don’t think we’ll last through this tropical paradise. Because the outside world is nothing like this. It has responsibilities, commitments and time restraints. He spends long hours at work, and I have things I need to do. Time I no longer want to waste on pursuits that don’t meet my long-term goals.
Maybe it’s not very modern of me, but I want a husband and kids, a house in the suburbs. I want to go to PTA meetings, and bitch about my in-laws while I push a baby on the swing at the park.
Christopher has other priorities right now and I can’t wait four or five years for those priorities to align.
But that’s okay. That’s life. And it doesn’t change what’s right in front of me, here and now. It doesn’t change wanting to give myself this night, and the next couple of nights until we have to return home to reality.
I want Christopher for me. Not to lure him, or play a game. Not to replace someone else. I want him for me. Because he’s a memory I want to give to myself. He’s someone who demands to be remembered.
I smile, and shake my head. “I like the dress. I want to wear it.”
His eyes darken. “Even though it tortures me?”
“Yeah, that’s the best reason of all.”
* * *
Christopher
It’s going to be tonight.
The truth of it fills up all the empty space at the table where Ashley and I are sitting, a darkened little corner, with a white tablecloth and candlelight flickering over her soft skin.
I’ve never seen a woman look so beautiful. Not even her on the night of the engagement party when I’d been so captivated by her. I want her so bad it borders on obsession.
I’m sitting here, on our second bottle of wine, watching her laugh, my thoughts full of all the things I’m going to do to her. I’m exerting every ounce of willpower I possess to keep from claiming her, from taking what she’s offering me in all ways, but one.
Under the table her knee brushes mine. I grasp it, stroking my fingers over the sensitive flesh between her legs.
She shudders under my touch. And everything goes still, except for my movements over her skin.
Her thighs part, inviting me higher, but I don’t accept.
She needs to ask me. Needs to tell me with her lips, and not just her body. I want to prompt her. To ask her the question that will force the words from her, but I don’t.
It has to be her choice. Her desire. It’s the only way to fulfill my promise.
She licks her lips, and parts her legs wider, shifting closer. I continue my lazy perusal but go no further.
She shimmies in her chair. Squirms. “Christopher?”
“Yes?” Is it now?
She sucks in a breath. “Do you want to dance?”
There’s soft music playing, and a small floor where couples are swaying to the slow, seductive beat. I squeeze her knee before releasing to take her hand. “I’d love to.”
Without words, the tension thick, we walk to the center of the floor and I take her in my arms. I clench my teeth as her fingers walk a path up my biceps before gripping my neck.
She tilts her head back, looking up at me. “Thank you.”
My heart skips a beat at the whispered words. “For what?”
“For being so wonderful.” She presses into me, her legs entwine with mine. “For making this trip better than I could ever have imagined.” She drops her head to my shoulder. “For making me remember.”
I hold her tighter, and it’s like she’s seeping inside me, filling up places I hadn’t realized were empty. “And what did you remember?”
She’s silent for so long I don’t think she’s going to answer me before she speaks. “Who I am. What I’m worth.”
“All I did was treat you exactly as the woman I see deserves to be treated.”
I run a hand up her spine, over her shoulders to curve around her jaw and lift her face to mine. “But you’re welcome.”
Her attention drifts to my mouth and she takes a small, quick breath. “I want you.”
“I want you too.” I brush my thumb over the line of her jaw. “You have no idea how much.”
“Yes, I do.” She rises to her tiptoes and plasters herself against me. “I’m ready.”
Then she pulls my head down, kisses me.
And I’m fucking lost.
Chapter Ten
Ashley
His mouth is hot on mine, making me dizzy.
He freezes for a fraction of a second before his lips turn aggressive and demanding. The passion we’ve been keeping at bay, that had been simmering between us from the first time I saw him, explodes between us.
I press my body into him. Molding myself to him, sliding against him like he’s a missing puzzle piece. The click of him, falling into place, calms everything inside me, even while desire hums in my blood.
For the first time I trust myself. He’s exactly where I’m meant to be.
The kiss turns desperate. All the pent-up lust we’ve been ignoring for days, coming to a rapid boil. I want him, so, so badly.
More than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my life.
He growls, low in his throat before he puts his hands on my hips and rips his mouth away. He whispers against my lips, “Ashley, we need to get out of here.”
Breathless, I nod. “Yes.”
He takes my hand, and leads me back to the table, just in time to see our food has arrived and the waiters are standing there, waiting of us to return to our seats.
Christopher glances at me. “Would you like to eat here? Or take it to go?”
I can’t explain, but I love that he asks me this. That he’s not assuming my preference because he’s ready to take me to bed. That my feelings, what I want and desire, matters to him. It confirms everything about my choice. I squeeze his fingers. “To go.”
He smiles, tugs me close, and brushes his mouth over mine. “Good. I’d rather your first orgasm be in private instead of at the table.”
Walk of Shame Page 7