The Randy Romance Novelist

by Meghan Quinn

  Before I could grab her hand in mine and walk her out the door, she sprinted through the party, balls flapping behind her, and she got in the elevator.

  I handed my drink to Eric to go after her when he gripped my shoulder to stop me. “I need to speak with you, now.”

  I didn’t like the tone of his voice at all.

  Fuck me.

  ***

  By the time I got home, the apartment was completely dark, Sir Licks-a-Lot was lying in one of Rosie’s bras, rubbing his face against the cup, and there was a lump on one side of the bed.

  Rosie.

  I took off my jacket and rested it against the chair in our bedroom. I stared at her the entire time I took off my tie and my button-up shirt. I’ve known Rosie for a long time, but not once had I ever experienced a night with her like the one we shared tonight.

  She insulted the brand, then tried to backpedal her way through the insult by exposing our sex life to a very inappropriate level, so now the most important people in charge of my job know I’m some kind of sex fiend that, in fact, doesn’t make his girlfriend’s pussy raw, thanks to Legacy.

  Christ.

  After all that, she wound up parading her vagina balls off the underwire of her bra for everyone to see. I had to give the girl credit, she did put on a good show, a mortifying one, but a good one.

  The last thing I wanted to do was go into a conference room with Eric after she left. I wanted to chase after Rosie and tell her everything was going to be okay, that I wasn’t mad at her, that I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t hurt. I knew she was embarrassed; I could tell by the way her cheeks flamed up with an adorable blush.

  But that wasn’t an option, because when Eric told me to meet him in the conference room, I knew I had one choice, to try to keep my job, especially since Rosie and I would be bringing a baby into the world.

  When I walked into the room, I had one thing in mind: keep my damn job. Fuck the director position, I just needed a steady paycheck. I would figure out everything else after that.

  When I arrived in the room, I was only expecting to see Eric, not Darlene as well. At that moment, I knew it was over. There is only so much you can do in front of clients, and your girlfriend dropping her vaginas balls on the floor in front of them while insulting the product wasn’t something clients got over very quickly.

  The words still rang through my head as I brushed my teeth.

  “Henry, you’re going to have to pack up your cube.”

  My stomach dropped, and I immediately thought I was going to throw up. Without even thinking, I stood up for Rosie, telling them she’s been having a hard time lately with working from home, feeling cooped up with a cat who won’t stop licking his crotch, and I couldn’t help it, I dropped the bomb on them, praying they would take mercy on me. I told them she was expecting and she’s been a little hormonal. I begged them to reconsider, to think about my unborn child. Yup, I went there. I had no shame. I pulled a Rosie and had diarrhea of the mouth.

  It didn’t change their minds; they still told me to pack my cube.

  I nodded my head in defeat and started to walk away when Eric started laughing hysterically. His laugh would haunt me for days.

  He then proceeded to tell me that I had to pack my cube because I was moving into a new office. I got the job.

  Come to find out, Legacy wasn’t the kind of company that based their decisions off the people they would be working with, they based them off the product and who could sell it the best. Imagine that.

  They chose my campaign before Rosie even began her insanity for the night. Afterwards, I talked to the executives at Legacy, and they said if I could still produce a campaign like the one I offered while taking care of my rather crazy and pregnant girlfriend, then they wanted me on their team.

  I had never felt more relieved in my entire life. I left that party feeling lighter, not just because Tasha was out of the picture. She would be working somewhere else because it was too beneath her to take my job, or report to me, but for the first time in a month, I felt relief for my future.

  I was going to be able to provide for my family.

  After I brushed my teeth, I slipped into bed and pressed my chest up against Rosie’s back, wrapping my arm around her stomach and burying my head into her hair. I gently rubbed her belly, smiling to myself about the little life we’d created.

  First thing tomorrow, I would be calling Derk. We were going ring shopping before his bachelor party. It was time to make Rosie mine forever.

  Despite her quirkiness, inability to stop talking, and aptitude for bringing on the worst scenarios imaginable, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Her smile, those lips, her eyes, her genuine and innocent heart, her tenacity, and her beautiful soul. I not only wanted them to be a part of me, I needed them in my life to breathe. Rosie was everything to me, I would be damned if I took another breath in this life without her by my side.

  It was time I took my randy little romance novelist and made her an engaged one.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Beat That Meat

  ROSIE

  Last night would go down in history as the worst night of my life. It beat kicking Atticus in the crotch, exposing my neon asshole on a bowling date, plastering my heel through squirrel tail’s penis picture, and even confessing my undying love to a man who made out with his dog.

  Nothing that I did for the rest of my life would beat vagina balls falling out in front of Henry’s esteemed guests at the party, only to be followed up by my decade-old bra popping through my dress for all to see.

  Any other normal person would have thought it was time to excuse yourself to the bathroom. No, not me. I liked to perform. I liked to hang coochey covered marbles off my musty old bra as a party trick.

  Congratulations to me, I failed at life.

  Before Henry even popped one of his eyeballs open this morning, I grabbed the bag I’d packed for myself last night, loaded all the bachelorette party items into a taxi, and went straight to the venue. Luckily enough, they opened the doors after four hours of me sitting on the curb with a giant penis under my arm, and a penis straw hanging out of my mouth. I refused to answer any of Henry’s texts or calls; I was too mortified to even look at him.

  I completely understood why he didn’t want to chase after me last night. Operation Be Sexy failed miserably. Definitely didn’t go as planned.

  This morning, when I was sneaking out, I contemplated just leaving for good, giving Henry a way out of the nightmare I’d created, but I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with him. I didn’t want to trap him with baby news; I wanted him to want me for me.

  So, while I sat on the curb, waiting for the club owner to arrive, I thought about my next plan, my final push to reclaim my man, not that I’d lost him or anything, but after last night, pretty sure our relationship was dangling by a thread.

  The only idea I could think of, to really make him love me, was to go erotic on him. Men liked erotic women, women who liked a little role-play and a slap to the ass.

  I was going to pull out the big guns . . . I was going to go Fifty Shades on him.

  Still feeling a little sour about last night, but happy with my plan, I spent the entire afternoon decorating the room Henry had booked for the bachelorette party.

  The club was perfect; it had a room in the back made specifically for bachelorette parties. It had a bull riding machine, but instead of the typical steed you held onto, it was a giant, pink penis, with pee hole and everything. The balls had fake, black hair—kind of like strands off a mop—dangling to the sides, grazing the landing zone for those who couldn’t grip the dick long enough. And those who rode the penis for eight seconds were rewarded with a blast of water straight from the penis’s urethra.

  Vastly inappropriate, but a bachelorette party game changer for sure.

  The club catered, and since they were known for hosting a great peen party, they shaped their food appropriately and offered phallic shaped items for sna
cking.

  Games to be played for tonight: elephant condoms on the legs, penis riding, carve a penis out of a cucumber, penis piñata, and of course, pin the penis on Derk. I refused to play that one again—for obvious reasons—I would be the moderator.

  Prizes for the winners were a variety of vibrators, lubes, and edible underwear—well, because they were cheap and my bank account was diminishing rather quickly from this party.

  Penis garland decorated the outline of the room, condoms were blown into horribly shaped balloons—I used a pump, no lips to the latex for me—and the dong bong was sitting next to the beer, waiting to be used as a consumption device.

  The party was ready. I just needed to get ready. Thankfully, the owner let me use the employee locker rooms to get dressed, instead of the sub-par bathrooms open to everyone.

  The dress Delaney made me get for the party did not fit, nope, and she would have to deal with the disappointment of that on her own. I was pretty sure she was going to be so distracted by all the dicks in the room that she wouldn’t even notice what I was wearing.

  Luckily, I had a cute teal glitter tunic that fell just above my knees that gave plenty of tummy room. I paired it with a pair of black leggings and black flats. I was doing my make up when my phone lit up with a text from Henry.

  Henry: Can you please let me know you’re alive? You’re scaring me, love. You won’t answer my calls or my texts.

  Succumbing to his wishes because I didn’t want him barging into Delaney’s party, I texted him back.

  Rosie: Sorry, I’ve been busy getting ready for the party tonight. I’m good. I will see you later. Have fun with Derk.

  His text back was instantaneous.

  Henry: Jesus, Rosie. Was it that hard to text back? I’ve been worried about you.

  Knowing I wasn’t going to get anywhere with my makeup until I settled his worry, I set my brushes down and picked up my phone.

  Rosie: Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you this morning, and I just want to make sure this party is perfect.

  Henry: I wanted to talk about last night.

  Rosie: Maybe we don’t. Let’s just forget it and move on. I would rather not rehash the most embarrassing moment of my life.

  I could feel myself start to get emotional, but I kept it in check. I already had one eye done with makeup; I wasn’t about to ruin it.

  Henry: We’re going to have to talk about it at some point. Things happened last night . . .

  Rosie: Yes, I know. Listen, I don’t have time for this. We can catch up later. Have fun tonight.

  My phone signaled another text message, but I ignored it and tried to match one eye to the other with my liner skills. I was really good at doing a smoky eye with a cat-like eyeliner. It was the one thing I could claim as a talent . . . that and the ability to embarrass myself at the drop of a hat.

  Nailing life in the embarrassment department. Want to know what an awkward sweat feels like? Hang around with me, I will get those armpits pooling in no time.

  I should probably start charging people to be in my audience. I was bound to do something shameful for others to talk about for weeks after.

  I was applying mascara when my phone started to ring, I looked down at the caller ID and saw Henry’s name pop up. Irritated that he wouldn’t just leave me alone, I answered tersely.

  “What?”

  “Whoa, that’s quite a way to answer the phone.”

  “I’m sorry.” I really wasn’t, but I didn’t want to get into a fight right before Delaney’s party. “I’m just really busy right now, trying to put everything together. Do you need something?”

  “Yeah, I need to see you.”

  Before I knew what was happening, Henry came through the door of the locker room, holding his phone to his ear and a small present in his hands.

  I couldn’t help the sigh that escaped me. He was dressed in a pair of black jeans, black Converses, and a button-up black and white gingham shirt with the first couple of buttons undone, showing off his well-defined chest. He was freshly shaven and his hair was styled perfectly to the side. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on.

  “Hey, love. You didn’t give me a chance to give you this before you left.” He held out a present for me. It was in a little white bag with yellow tissue paper sticking out the top.

  Smiling, I took the present from him and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. He didn’t let me get very far because he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in for a deeper kiss. I took this moment to revel in the way he felt pressed up against me. He was being so sweet right now; maybe he really did want me to be around, maybe he wasn’t planning an escape route to try to get away from the crazy as quickly as possible.

  Then again, he probably didn’t want to set off the crazy right before the bachelorette party.

  Either way, I gripped the back of his neck and stood on my toes while I let my tongue explore his mouth. Our kisses grew heavy, and for a moment, I thought he was going to lift me up on the counter and pull down my leggings, but before that fantasy could become a reality, he stepped away and casually wiped his mouth with his hand.

  Well, that was rude.

  “What? Did I slobber on you? Don’t want my lips all over yours?” There it was, the devil tongue. I was pretty sure I was popping out a creature of hell, and every time I said something uncharacteristic, I blamed it on the baby.

  “No,” he said, taken aback. “I just didn’t want lipstick on my lips when I went to a bachelor party.”

  “Mm-hmm,” I hummed sarcastically before ripping the tissue paper out of the bag. Whatever was in the bag must have been wrapped in the paper because the bag was completely empty.

  “Um, the present is on the ground.”

  We both looked down to see a button made out felt fabric in the shape of a penis with puffy paint on it, spelling out “Maid of Honor.”

  I bent down and picked it up, wincing at the way I could already feel my stomach making an impact on my everyday life. “Did you make this?”

  He definitely did. The puffy paint writing was very messy, but it was undeniably Henry’s chicken scratch.

  “I did,” he puffed his chest out. “I thought the maid of honor needed something special to wear as well. I mean, you did put this all together.”

  On the back of the penis was a safety pin to secure it to my clothing, so I did just that. Like a corsage at prom, I pinned it right above my breast, but instead of a beautiful arrangement of flowers, I had a felt peener with puffy paint writing.

  I was living the high life.

  “Thank you,” I said genuinely. “I love it, and thank you for bringing it all the way down here. You didn’t have to do that.”

  Once again, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. “Of course I did. I wanted my girl feeling special too.”

  “Thanks.” I peeked at the clock and winced. “Yikes, Delaney is going to be here soon. I need to finish my hair and makeup, and you need to get to Derk’s for the party.”

  “Yeah.” Putting distance between us, he let go of me and stepped toward the door. “Are you drinking tonight?”

  Weird question for him to ask.

  “No, I need to make sure no one gets hurt. Someone has to be the responsible one tonight.”

  He visibly relaxed, as if I told him we’d just saved five hundred dollars by switching to Geico.

  “All right, good. Be careful and please don’t ride the penis. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

  I didn’t plan on riding the penis, didn’t think it was baby safe, but he didn’t have to know that.

  “Didn’t plan on it. I only want to ride one penis,” I winked.

  He chuckled and then took off. There was some serious tension between the two of us, a kind of tension I couldn’t put my finger on. We were awkward around each other for the first time since we met in college. I wondered if it was from the lack of sex in our relationship. Had it been so long that now we didn’t know how to be aro
und each other?

  Henry had been working very long nights. I felt like I barely saw him anymore, and when I did, I was losing my damn mind so much over failing at a game against a cat that I didn’t stop jamming my head against a door long enough to spend time with him.

  I ran my hands through my hair and thought about the rough month we’d had. I wanted to believe it was the baby making me crazy, that Henry’s job was taking a toll on him, and not from us slowly drifting apart.

  Was the honeymoon phase over? Was this what it was like after the big dramatic kiss at the end of a romance movie? Awkward confusion between couples?

  I wasn’t sure. My entire life consisted of me consuming love story after love story, believing in an eternity of passion between two people. Now that I was living the love story I always dreamed of having, it didn’t seem so happily ever after.

  Not wanting to focus on my relationship right now, or lack thereof, I finished up my makeup, pinned my hair up, so half of it was caressing my back and the other half was twisted on the top of my head, and then headed out to the party area. There was a section to hang our coats and set our purses down, so I stuffed my travel bag in the corner and went on one more walk around of the room to make sure everything was perfect before Delaney arrived.

  ***

  “This is everything I could have dreamed of,” Delaney complimented me, as she spun around the room in awe. “I don’t even know which dick to focus on, there are millions. Even the confetti on the tables are dicks.” Delaney turned to me and pulled me into a hug. “You did so well. Thank you, Rosie.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m so glad you’re happy with it.”

  “Ma’am, your drink,” a waiter came up from behind us, holding out the penis sippy cup I got for Delaney, full of the signature drink I picked out for her.