The Randy Romance Novelist

by Meghan Quinn

  I picked up the drink and thanked the waiter. “This is for you. The drink is called Cum Guzzler. It’s a coconut infused rum with pineapple juice and cherry grenadine.”

  “Sounds like I’m going to be a Cum Guzzler tonight, because this sounds delicious!” She took the penis cup and inhaled a giant sip. Once she tasted the signature drink, she said, “This is one batch of cum I have no problem swallowing.”

  I made a note to myself to remember that for a book. I tried to commit this entire party to memory; it would be good material for future stories.

  Delaney examined the rest of the room while I greeted guests, handed out penis straws and goody bags, and showed everyone where they could put their purses. Delaney invited around forty women, and almost all of them said they were going to make it.

  The main reason Delaney had so many people at her party was because they were mainly co-workers and they were all just as raunchy as Delaney. They would never miss a good penis party.

  They wore their whistles, blew them with pride, stroked Derk’s life-size body, eyed the pink bull riding penis, and devoured every last wiener food there was.

  Once everyone was in attendance, I stood on top of a chair to gain everyone’s attention while blowing my whistle.

  The room fell silent and all eyes were on me. “Thank you all for coming today. I am the maid of honor, Rosie.” I pointed to my penis pin that Henry made me. “I will be your host for tonight, so if you need anything, you let me know. I see that you helped yourself to food and drinks already. I will be sure to ask the kitchen to make some more snacks. Before the festivities get started, I wanted to go over a couple of things. First of all, you were all handed an elephant condom when you walked in. That is for you to wear on your leg. Last person with it still rolled tight on their appendage at the end of the night will win a special prize. Let’s just say it fits in with the theme of the party.”

  “I think it’s a dick, ladies!” Delaney screamed and everyone cheered. I refrained from rolling my eyes.

  “Secondly, we’ll be moving around the room in a circle when it comes to activities. We’ll start with penis carving, followed by pin the penis on Derk . . .”

  “Everyone better aim for his eyeballs, because I’m taking the win on that game,” Delaney once again shouted, followed by more giggles.

  “After the penis pinning,” I carried on, “we’ll be getting our ride on. I’ve been told if you stay on the bull for more than eight seconds, it will jiz into the crowd. I’ve marked off the splash zone with those two penis construction cones over there. If you are looking to be sprayed, then those cones will be your best friends.”

  “Let’s all get squirted in the eye tonight, ladies. Walk around like a bunch of one-legged condom-covered pirates. Am I right, mateys?”

  Cheers erupted, cutting me off one more time.

  The devil child wanted to run its arm up my throat and choke Delaney with its fetus fist, but I tamped it down, reminding Beelzebub that this was Delaney’s night, and if she wanted to continue to incessantly interrupt me . . . then that was her right.

  Gritting my teeth, I continued. “Then we will move over to the Dong Bong Olympics to see who can guzzle the most cum within in a minute.”

  “It will be like sipping wine at church,” Delaney said, jumping up and down. “You will guzzle, wipe, and then say, ‘Glory be to the Dong’.”

  “You don’t have to do that.” I shook my head, not wanting to offend anyone. Being a Catholic girl myself, I knew how sensitive people could be.

  “Dong be with you,” Delaney said, holding out her arms to everyone, as if she was blessing each and every one of their penis straws.

  And in unison, the ladies said back, “And also with you.”

  Laughter ensued after, and I couldn’t tamp it back anymore. Baby beast got the best of me.

  “Will you dick jerkers let me finish what I’m trying to say?” I screamed, pounding my foot on the chair I was standing on and clenching my fists to the side.

  All laughter ceased and the room fell silent. My eyes were closed shut so I could scream loud enough for the next six blocks to hear, so I wasn’t aware of the looks I was getting until I peeked one peeper open and saw the horrified faces staring up at me.

  “Heh,” I laughed, relaxing my shoulders. “That wasn’t awkward at all. Look at us, all having fun.” I cleared my throat while Delaney pulled on my arm. I squatted down to hear what she had to say.

  “Are you all right?”

  “Chipper as a chocolate chippy,” I smiled, hating my response. “Just want to make sure everyone hears the game options we have to offer tonight. Don’t want to make one of the games feel left out. That wouldn’t be fair, now would it?”

  “Why do your eyes look like they are about to bulge out of their sockets? Are you high?”

  “On life,” I patted her shoulder. “I am very high on life.” I stood up and faced the crowd once again. “Sorry about the brief intermission from Cranky McCrankPants. It won’t happen again. Ahem, as I was saying, after the Dong Bong Olympics, we will scoot over to our last event, the smashing of the penis piñata. Be sure to wear your protective dickwear when we get to that event.” I laughed and put on the penis sunglasses I got for everyone. I poked the lenses and said, “No cock shards are going through these bad boys.”

  My little outburst had really killed the mood, so instead of continuing to run my mouth, I hoisted my arm in the air and said, “Let the games begin.”

  I held it high and still, waiting for a cheer from the crowd, but everyone stood silent, judging me still.

  “Let the games begin,” Delaney repeated, which caused everyone to cheer and don their elephant condoms.

  It was going to be that kind of night.

  ***

  “Look at me, I’m jizzing on everyone!” Delaney shouted, completely drunk and hanging onto the penis bull, not letting go. She was currently the only one left with the elephant condom on her leg, since she was smart enough to take off her heels and not poke a hole through the latex.

  I inwardly made a joke to myself that Legacy must have made the condoms, because they were really good at breaking, hence the inner beast living inside of me, wanting to awake and disturb everyone’s fun.

  “You really are, way to jiz,” I congratulated Delaney.

  After cucumber carving, which was won by one of Delaney’s co-workers, Madge, we played pin the penis on Derk. What I thought was going to be a quick game turned into a selfie opportunity for every woman. Beelzebub was really itching to free itself at that point in time. I excused myself and dove my head into a pile of cocktail wieners, basking in the smoky flavor. Now we were riding the penis and Delaney refused to fall off.

  If that penis was a piece of clothing, she would be its static cling, never falling off, despite the “jiz” raining down on her. Every once in a while she would yell out a “yippee” or a “hazzah” over her triumph of the penis’s twists and turns.

  Despite the time she was eating up riding giant cock, I had to admit how impressive it was to see her hang on for dear life. She was inebriated from Cum Guzzlers, she wore a condom on her leg, and her dress rode up her backside, exposing her crack for everyone to see. She must have known that was going to happen because her thong matched her outfit perfectly. The girl always focused on the details, good for her.

  “Hazzah!” she shouted again, after holding on through a big jerk.

  I glanced over at the attendant of the machine and noticed he was starting to get frustrated. So was I, so I took matters into my own hands. I walked nonchalantly over to the attendant and said, “This five-dollar bill right here is all yours if you turn that dick up to the highest setting and blast her off the damn thing.”

  “That’s a piece of celery,” the man said, looking down at my “five-dollar bill.”

  I nodded. “I’m aware. Please make this end.”

  “My pleasure.”

  With a devious smile on his face, he cranked the di
al up to the hardest level, and with one jerk to the side, Delaney went flying into the side of the ring, condom rolling off her leg and slapping Madge right in the face.

  “My condom!” Delaney groaned. “Damn you, Madge.”

  Before things could get out of hand, I took the condom from Madge and handed it over to Delaney, while I helped her out of the penis riding pit.

  “I think that’s enough riding for now. How about we settle down for a second, take a breather, and maybe just talk about the wedding.”

  “Never!” Delaney shouted and started chanting, “Bring the dong. Bring the dong.”

  As if it was an Egyptian Prince being carted out on a gold throne, four women held the dong bong above their head and escorted it to Delaney.

  I hated that I had gotten the stupid thing now. All I wanted to do was get to the piñata and then go home; I was tired, irritable, and ready to try to begin my plan on Henry.

  But instead, I was watching the four women unwrap a funnel from the package, which happened to be connected to a tube that turned into a plastic penis with an opening big enough for liquid to flow through.

  “Line up, ladies. We are going to do a domino effect. We need a constant holder and pourer. The rest of you, get in a line and face the dong. We are going to run up and down the line while the cum drink flows out. Open your mouths wide; it’s time to get dong-bonged.”

  I watched from a distance as everyone listened to her, lined up, put their hands behind their backs and opened their mouths. Three ladies volunteered to be the holder of the dong and the pourer. The kitchen staff was on point and had pitchers ready to be poured down the dong funnel. I wondered what they must be thinking. This entire night didn’t even feel real.

  “On three!” Delaney shouted. “One, two, three! Guzzle!”

  The signature drink was poured into the funnel and the penis hose part was run up and down the line, splashing everyone in the mouth. I wondered to myself if I wasn’t completely sober or had a child growing inside of me if I would have enjoyed such a game.

  Alcoholic beverage poured everywhere, bouncing off faces and chests, and I confirmed that nope, I would not enjoy this game . . . at all.

  While they tried out the dong bong, I talked to the kitchen staff about raising the giant penis. Just two more things, the piñata and the stripper, who was going to arrive shortly, that was why I was trying to move the party along.

  The staff was kind enough to help me raise the piñata on one of the exposed beams. I told them we wouldn’t need to have to anyone move it around. Given the amount of alcohol consumed already, they would have a hard enough time making contact.

  I made a circle around the hung penis—no pun intended—and started escorting ladies around it. Delaney walked over to the piñata, the penis tube detached from the funnel was now fastened around her neck like a piece of jewelry.

  “Don’t you just love my delicate necklace? It’s so delicate, isn’t it?” she asked while showing off her gem, as if she was selling it on QVC.

  “Just divine,” I humored her.

  Sticking up from her cleavage was Cletus, the miniature blowup doll I got for her. She aptly named him Cletus, since he spent the entire night stuffed between her boobs. He helped her carve, pin, and when she wasn’t clinging on for dear life to the giant penis, she was waving him around in the air like a lasso. Just as I suspected, Cletus made her night.

  “If everyone can gather around before we get started with the piñata, that would be great.” No one listened to me. “Everyone listen up,” I shouted a little louder. Nope, that didn’t help. “Hey cumquats!” I screamed, startling everyone. I cleared my throat, now that I had everyone’s attention. “Thank you. I want to remind you all the, uh . . . authorities will be here shortly to arrest Delaney for being a very naughty girl.”

  “Oh, I’m terrified,” Delaney feigned and giggled.

  “So, we have to bust this penis open fast. A quick reminder, please don’t start gathering your items from the penis until we are done breaking it open. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, and don’t forget to put on your dickwear to protect your eyes.”

  “We’re not children,” Delaney said, grabbing the stick from me and knocking it on the ground a couple of times. “Watch out, ladies. It’s time this penis gets whacked off.”

  Shoving me out of the way, I stumbled into the wall and watched as Delaney worked the crowd, asking them to raise the noise in the room by shouting, “Beat that meat. Beat that meat.”

  “Let me hear it, ladies.” Delaney walked around in the circle, putting her hand to her ear, trying to make their screeches deafening.

  Within the blink of an eye, Delaney raised the stick above her head, called out a war cry and started beating the paper hair right off the poor thing.

  Smack after smack, the penis swung around, getting massacred by a drunken phallic-infatuated woman adorned with a cock bong as a scarf, and a blowup doll in her cleave.

  The staff and I all stood back, pretty much terrified for what was about to ensue. There was no stopping her; I had lost all control of the party, and if the crowd of ladies started to tear down the building, the only thing I could do was apologize and maybe offer up Sir Licks-a-Lot as an apology—anything to get rid of him.

  Delaney’s arms flew around like a Jedi in an epic battle, and just when I thought she was going to give up, she grabbed the bottom half of the stick, raised it over her head like a sword, and stabbed the hell out of the balls of the piñata. After two stabs, one single cock ring fell out.

  The room silenced. Delaney tossed the stick to someone on the side and dropped down to the floor on her knees. With both hands, she lifted the cock ring above her head as if it was the body of Christ and shouted, “It’s a cock ring!”

  Her battle howl rang through the room, all the women in awe.

  Before I could stop her, Delaney tore the penis off its string, ripped the head of the cock off—I cringed for Derk—and placed the base of the penis at her hips. In a circular motion, she started thrusting the giant cock at everyone, spilling cock rings and condoms all over the place.

  Dignified and educated women fell to their knees and started scooping up sexual aids, stuffing them in their bras and knocking out their neighbors for the goods.

  In the center of the piñata brawl stood Delaney, holding an arm full of paraphernalia and tossing it to whoever wanted to catch them as if she was Oprah saying, “You get a cock ring, and you get a cock ring, and you get a cock ring.” She twirled in circles and sprayed them all up in the air, dancing under a sea of vibrating penis rings. “Everyone gets a cock ring!”

  “Your friend has some serious problems,” the waiter next to me whispered in my ear.

  I gave him the stink eye, not liking the way he was talking about Delaney. “Don’t talk about my friend that way, you . . . you . . . ghoul!”

  Yes, Delaney had problems. Yes, she was experiencing a high dose of crazy at the moment, but this was her night, her dream party, and I would be damned if anyone but me judged her.

  The floor was being swept up by all the ladies, making sure every last piece from the piñata was claimed, while I brought a chair over to the opposite side of the room, the seating area where the stripper would be entertaining Delaney.

  I snuck over to my purse really quick to grab my one dollar bills for Delaney, when I saw a text on my phone from Henry.

  Henry: Hope you girls are having fun. Please be careful and don’t let any strippers smack you in the face with their crotch.

  I laughed and sent him a quick text back.

  Rosie: Don’t worry about me. Just worry about yourself. I have plans for you tonight . . . Mr. Grey.

  Henry: What? (confused face emoji con)

  Not answering him back, just to keep him wondering, I stuffed my phone back in my wallet in time to see red flashing lights coming down the hallway and the sound of sirens approaching.

  It was the stripper.

  Delaney perked up and looked
in my direction. Her hands clapped together right before she put them behind her back and said, “I’ve been a naughty girl; someone slap some cuffs on me.”

  Wanting nothing more than to restrain my best friend after the activities that took place tonight, I escorted her over to her chair, grabbed the pair of fur lined handcuffs I’d brought for the occasion, and kneeled behind her so I could fasten her up.

  The entire room went silent as the stripper entered the room. I couldn’t see what was going on, all I could hear were the sirens turning off and music turning on. The room gasped when clothes ripped, and I couldn’t help the smile that crossed my face. I knew the man candy I picked out for this party had the right nipple size and penis package for Delaney; I couldn’t wait to see her reaction.

  The cuffs were being difficult to clasp, but I finally got them place and stood up to take a good look at Mr. Beefcake, Man Balls Mahki, but instead of the stripper I picked, standing in front of me was the one and only, squirrel tail.

  Alejandro.

  He was already stripped down to his banana hammock and thrusting his junk at every woman in the room. The smooth, bare and perfectly proportioned nipple man I ordered for tonight was nowhere in sight, and in his place was Alejandro with a bush popping out of his underwear and enough hair on his body to keep a polar bear warm during the winter.

  “Who is this hairy abomination?” Delaney seethed at me. We both watched Alejandro put his foot on a lady’s chair and thrust toward her face. I prayed stray hairs didn’t fall into her Cum Guzzler.

  I gulped, not liking the tone of her voice. “Um, I have no clue. The company must have gotten my order mixed up. Let me call them real quick.”

  “Do not leave me here. If that lap broccoli touches me, I will murder you.”

  “Give me one second,” I held up my finger. Alejandro wasn’t even close to Delaney; I had time.

  Quickly, I grabbed my phone from my purse, ignored one of Henry’s text messages and dialed the company’s number who provided me with Alejandro. The line rang a few times before someone picked up.