by Imani King
"Boo!"
She jumped and then turned to me, smiling. "Hey Kaden."
"Hey."
We both stood there for a few seconds and I felt a new and unfamiliar awkwardness inside me. What the fuck? If there's one thing I'm not, it's awkward. Especially not around girls. So why was I standing there like a lemon and jamming my hands into my pockets like a love-struck freshman? Come to think of it, why was she doing the same?
"So," I coughed. "You look nice. I like your, uh, I like your hoodie." Kill me.
"Thanks. I like your shirt. Do you guys always get dressed up before a game?"
I did a little double-take when she asked me that. "Yeah. Don't you ever go to games? How can you go to Reinhardt High and not be into football?"
She smiled and that dimple, the deeper one that always appeared on her left cheek, popped up. It would have been so easy to lean down and kiss that little dimple. But I didn't want to screw up. And not wanting to screw up was turning me into a stammering idiot. Get your shit together, asshole.
"Actually, no. This is my very first football game. I'm not really one for sports."
"Really?!" I asked, incredulous. Living in Little Falls and not being into football was like living in Italy and not being into pasta.
"Yeah really," she said, shrugging. "I guess it just wasn't a thing in my family."
I walked her to her seat, right next to the field in the 'friends and family' section of the bleachers and got stopped about ten times on the way. I admit I kind of enjoyed that part, mostly because I thought it might impress Tasha to see the respect with which I was treated by not just other students but grown men and women. As far as I could tell, though, she barely noticed.
Just as we were about to walk down the stairs to Tasha's row, I heard a female voice.
"Kaden! Kaden! Oh my God!"
My heart sank before I even saw her face. "Oh. Hey Kelsey," I said, in my best I'm-being-polite-but-please-go-away tone of voice.
"Kaden! Are you playing tonight?"
She knew I was playing. And I knew she knew it because Kelsey had developed a rather annoying habit of showing up wherever I was over the last couple of months.
"Yep." I nodded, watching her eyes as they moved away from me and came to rest on Tasha.
"Oh," she said, very quietly. "I didn't realize you were here with someone."
It's not that I didn't feel bad. I mean, I never promised Kelsey anything - I was quite clear with her that I wasn't interested in a relationship. But the lost puppy routine was getting old. She barged past me and introduced herself to Tasha before I could stop her.
"Hey, I'm Kelsey. I'm - well, I'm-"
She was stalling, trying to make it seem like there was something going on when there wasn't. "She's a friend of mine," I cut in as the girls shook hands.
Tasha started to make conversation: "Are you a huge football fan, then? This is my first-"
I knew if I let it continue that sooner or later Kelsey would make a scene and I was desperate to avoid that. Especially that night. So I took her by the elbow and led her away, reassuring her as she sat back down in her own seat that I would call soon. When I got back to Tasha she was giving me a look I wasn't sure I liked.
"What was that?"
"What?" I asked, playing dumb. Playing dumb usually worked with girls, especially if I threw in a big, charming smile. It did not work with Tasha Greeley.
"You know what, Kaden. I was right in the middle of talking to her and you just dragged her off. Kind of rude, don't you think?"
It was getting close to the time I needed to be in the dressing room with the rest of the team. I tried to play it off, but I don't think it worked.
"Yeah. Sorry about that. I just need to be down in the dressing room. We can catch Kelsey after the game if you want to hang out with her." There was no way in hell that was happening.
"Sure," Tasha replied coolly, "whatever, Kaden."
Fuck! The damn game hadn't even started yet and I'd already screwed up.
I didn't need a pump-up speech from the coach that night. I was already so pissed off at myself for messing up with Tasha that I ran out onto the field feeling like it was a championship game, determined to show her I wasn't just another dumb jock with too much testosterone and not enough brains. Even though that's pretty much exactly what I was.
Chapter 4: Tasha
I knew Kaden Barlow was a big deal. I didn't need to be a football fan to know that. He was the king of the school, respected and adored by everyone, students and teachers alike. But I don't think I realized just how big of a deal he was until I watched him play that night, under the floodlights and cheered on by a stadium full of borderline-rabid fans chanting his name whenever he so much as touched the ball, let alone threw it. Getting caught up in it was easy.
"Are you here with Kaden?" A middle-aged woman sitting behind me asked during a break in play.
"Um, yes," I answered, not sure if I was being asked whether or not I was dating Kaden. Which I wasn't. "We're friends."
The woman smiled. "Well, that's nice. My son is on the team and he's a good player but let me tell you, no one is under any illusions in Little Falls - if anyone is going to the NFL it's Kaden Barlow."
Surely the woman was exaggerating. When she caught my raised eyebrows she shook her head. "Are you new to Little Falls, dear?"
"No," I told her. "I grew up here."
"Well you must be new to football, although I don't really see how that's possible, but I'm not saying anything anybody else doesn't already think. Mark my words, Barlow is destined for greatness."
There was another woman next to her, around the same age and probably another parent. She was listening to the conversation and jumped in when she had the chance. "You don't believe us? There are NFL scouts at almost every one of Barlow's games. There, look down behind where Coach Graham is standing - do you see those two men with jackets on? The shorter one has white hair?"
I peered down to where she was pointing and did see the two men. I wanted to ask how she knew they were NFL scouts but I didn't want to appear too eager for information. Was Kaden destined for the NFL? Or was I just talking to two over-excited football moms? I kept glancing towards the supposed scouts as the game went on - they certainly seemed interested, and I noticed them leaning in and talking to each other while gesturing to certain players - but wasn't everyone else in the audience doing that, too?
Still. The NFL. Damn. If I hadn't already had my guard up around Kaden, that would have done it. Going pro would mean many things. Fame. Money. It would also mean leaving Little Falls and moving in a very different circle of people.
Trusting men has never been something that comes easily and I have my father to thank for that. After he left there was a period of about three or four years where he would call and arrange an outing with us kids. I can still remember the first time, crying when I couldn't find the powder blue dress I loved, the one I wanted to wear for him. And then the slow, horrible realization, as the afternoon and then the evening wore on, that he wasn't coming. The second time I went through exactly the same process. But the third time, I didn't bother getting dressed up. I didn't join Ray and CeeCee on the couch to watch out the window for my dad's car. He showed up a few times, sure, but I was done. Even at six years old something had hardened in my heart. I refused to speak to him and stood stiff and unmoving when he hugged me awkwardly. Ray and CeeCee went nuts the few times my dad managed to show up but I never went out with them, not once. You don't get to toy with my emotions like that and expect everything to be fine when it finally suits you to do the thing you've already promised - and failed - to do multiple times.
The intermittent visits became further and further apart as we got older and eventually petered out entirely. Not one of us knew where my father was, or even if he was still alive. We didn't talk about it much, especially around my mother, but I could tell that both of my siblings were harboring not-so-secret wishes that one day he was going to come b
ack and be the dad he never was. Not me. He could have shown up with a mouthful of apologies and an entire truck's worth of gifts and it wouldn't have mattered.
I didn't realize it at the time, but that suspicion and basic lack of trust bled into other areas of my life. It might even have been the reason why Kaden Barlow used the word 'standoffish' to describe me. It was definitely why the alarm bells that had been ringing in my head since I agreed to go to the game started blaring even louder at the news he might be going off to the NFL. Don't get close, they warned me. Don't even think about getting close. Keep your distance. Keep your walls up. Because he's a man and what do men do? They leave.
The Tigers won the game. By the end of it, I was even enjoying myself and, helped along by the two friendly moms, figuring out some of the rules. After one particularly long throw one of them leapt to her feet and screamed: "WILLYA LOOK AT THAT ARM!?" and I couldn't help but smile. I also couldn't help a tiny little smidge of pride creeping in. I wasn't just at the game. I was at the as a guest of Kaden Barlow. The star of the show.
Afterwards, I stayed in the stands, assuming Kaden would meet me there. Twenty minutes later almost everyone was gone and he hadn't shown up. I was just about to write him off for good when I heard footsteps behind me.
"What are you doing, Tasha?" He asked, looking confused.
"Waiting for you."
"Here? I was waiting at the ticket booth!" He laughed and I just couldn't stay annoyed. He was just so damned good-natured. Not to mention that smile, the one that I couldn't even look directly at due to the fear of just melting into a puddle of submission at his feet.
He sat down next to me, his hair wet and smelling of shampoo, dressed now in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that fit him like a damn glove. "Well? What did you think? Did we make a football fan out of you?"
How was I caught off guard? Of course he was going to ask if I enjoyed the game. "Um, yeah," I started, feeling heat rising in my cheeks at my own awkwardness. "It was good, Kaden. I liked it."
He leaned back in his seat and laughed his head off. "You liked it, huh? It was 'good?' Geez, Tasha, you really shouldn't talk so much, you know?"
I smiled and looked out over the field, which was shrouded in darkness now the floodlights had been turned off. I knew he was teasing me. "Well I don't know what to say! I did like it. I just - I don't know much about the game, I guess I still have to learn."
"Does that mean you'll come to more games?"
I shrugged, trying to play it cool. "Maybe. It was fun. These two moms were telling me what the rules were - I think one of them had a crush on you, she kept yelling about your 'arm.'"
"Ahh, yeah, I bet that was Sokolsky's mom. She doesn't have a crush on me, she's just really into football. Some of the parents can get pretty crazy about it."
It was nice sitting next to Kaden. Really nice. I was very conscious of our shoulders touching as we talked, and of the size difference between us. I'm five foot eight, tall for a girl - but he was huge. Not just tall-huge, either. Broad-huge. He barely fit into the bleacher seat. I wanted to put my hands on him. He just looked so good in that thin t-shirt and it was like I could almost sense how his body would feel against mine, how warm and male he would be.
I shook my head, trying to clear it. It felt good being with Kaden. It made me feel all fizzy inside, like I had soda in my veins instead of blood.
"You want to go for a drive?" He asked suddenly, turning to me.
What did he mean by that? Just a drive? Or was that some sort of code for did I want to be added to your list of conquests? Instead of clarifying I just nodded without thinking. "Sure."
Kaden's car was an enormous black Suburban SUV. When he turned it on there was a sudden blast of country music from the speakers, loud enough to shock me and then, when I realized it was country, make me chuckle. He immediately turned it off and, if I'm not mistaken, actually looked a little embarrassed.
"It's OK," I said. "I don't mind. It was just a little loud."
Kaden shrugged and drew my attention, once again, to those magnificent shoulders. "It's not even mine. I drove here with a friend - it's his music."
I turned to look at him. "You don't have to be embarrassed about liking country music, you know," I told him. "It's not like you're the only one around here."
"I'm not," he replied, too quickly and keeping eyes ahead, on the road. "It's just not mine. We can listen to something else."
"Kaden, I seriously don't even mind. You think I don't listen to country music? I grew up in Little Falls too, you know."
"Really?" He asked, sounding surprised. "You listen to country music?"
I laughed. "Well, no. But it's not like I don't hear it all the time."
"What do you listen to?"
"Oh, lots of things. My mom likes old school R&B, she used to listen to a lot of that when I was growing up so I guess I kind of absorbed her tastes a little. But I like all kinds of music."
Kaden was driving us up into the hills outside of town. The thought that he might make an attempt to add me to the conquest list crossed my mind again. At a red light, a couple of little kids in the car next to us noticed him and rolled down their window to wave and cheer. Kaden waved back.
"You've got fans," I said. "Like, actual fans. Is that weird?"
"Nah," Kaden replied. "It's not about me, they just love football."
But it was about him. It was his name that had been on everyone's lips during the game and his name those two kids had been yelling. I couldn't tell if it was false modesty on his part or if he really believed it was just about football, and not about him.
We pulled over at the top of one of the hills and got out of the SUV. I turned my head up and looked at the stars.
"Nice, huh?" Kaden asked. "There's less light pollution out here. Sometimes I come here when I need to be alone and just stare at the stars for an hour or so until I calm down."
"Really?" I asked, genuinely curious. If anyone seemed to have a stress-free life, it was him. "Does that happen a lot? I mean, do you do that a lot?"
"Nah, just when I feel overwhelmed. Or when my parents are hassling me. You know how it is."
We sat down on the dry grass and I felt myself softening towards him a little, even as I fought it. It was probably dumb of me to assume he had a perfect life, even if it looked that way from the outside. I asked Kaden if his parents were really strict.
"Oh no, not really. They're not strict. They're just, uh, what's the word? Ambitious. They're really ambitious for me and sometimes they can get a little over-involved in my life, you know? They start stressing about my football career and then they start trying to micromanage and, I mean yeah, I know it's because they care, it's just not always easy to deal with. Are your parents like that? You always seem so serious about school."
I thought about the question as Kaden put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against him, sending little shivers of excitement I didn't know how to respond to racing through my body. His arm felt so nice, so strong and protective.
"I wouldn't say my mom is strict. Well, actually yes, she is. But she hasn't been very well the past little while and I'd say that most of the strictness comes from me. I'm pretty hard on myself."
"Yeah," Kaden said quietly. "I can tell."
I wasn't sure what he meant by that but I didn't have time to think about it because the next thing I knew he was leaning in, kissing my neck. It felt so good. He felt so good. But there was that little voice, that little warning in the back of my head. Men leave.
"Wait," I said, pulling my body away from him. "Wait, Kaden. Wait. I don't - I'm not, uh, who was that girl at the game?"
The question seemed to come out of my mouth of its own accord. I didn't realize I'd even been thinking about it.
"What?" He asked. "I'm sorry, Tasha. I'm not trying to be an asshole. If you're not into it that's OK."
I was flummoxed. The last thing I wanted was for him think I was grossed out that he'd kissed me, bu
t I also wasn't in any way comfortable with something that happened so quickly. Not then, when I was still an inexperienced virgin who was on some level aware of her own naïveté.
"No, no," I stammered. "It's not that - it's not that I - Kaden, I was just wondering about that girl, Kelsey. At the game. Is she your girlfriend? Because I don't mean to be rude but it's not really my thing to be making out with guys who have girlfriends."
I left out the part about it not being my thing to make out with any guys, regardless of whether or not they had girlfriends.
Kaden turned away and looked out over the lights of our small town, arrayed across the valley below the hills where we were sitting. "Nah," he replied. "Kelsey isn't my girlfriend."
"Is she your ex or something? She seemed kind of...territorial."
"She's not my girlfriend, Tasha, OK?!" He said, obviously annoyed with the line of questioning. "I mean, ugh, damn. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. She's just been following me around for months, acting like maybe she is my girlfriend when she's not. And she never has been. I wish she'd just leave me the fuck alone."
I joined Kaden in looking out of the lights in the valley. "Why does she act like that, then? I mean, does she think she's your girlfriend?"
Kaden sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know, Tasha..."
He was uncomfortable, I could sense it. He was also dodging the question, and I had a pretty good idea why. The football jocks had a collective reputation and it was not for chaste behavior. And no matter how hot Kaden was or how weak his smile made my knees, no part of me was interested in becoming a notch on anyone else's bedpost. So I kept questioning him.
"You don't know?" I asked, pushing him. "Are you sure?"
He turned towards me. "Why are you so interested in my relationship with some random girl, Tasha? What are all these questions about?"
"Maybe because I don't want to become one of those random girls," I replied, quietly but firmly.