Say You Want Me

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Say You Want Me Page 21

by Corinne Michaels


  My stomach drops as the truth hits me in the face. She’s right. I didn’t lose Angie. I made her go. I did whatever I could to make her leave me. But if she’d stayed here, would it have been what she really wanted?

  She once said she didn’t want to marry me out of obligation. I didn’t want her to stay for the same reason.

  “It’s for the best.” I try to assure myself.

  She snorts as she shakes her head. “You know what? You’re right. You don’t deserve her.”

  “I know.”

  Presley’s jaw drops open. “You really believe that? You think because of some accident that you don’t deserve happiness?”

  “I believe a man does what’s best for a woman he loves. I think she loved me because she thought she had to. I would’ve married her, Pres. I wanted to. And then she made a few comments about when she was going back home.”

  She sinks onto the bed next to me, runs her hands over her face, and then slaps the back of my head. “You’re so dense.”

  “How would I have known any different? How would we know if what we had was real? She didn’t even know.”

  “The same way that you’ll know what to do if you want to fix this.” She pats my thigh. “And I don’t even know if you can. You really screwed up. You’ve broken someone who’s never let anyone have that ability. Getting back in . . .” Presley gets to her feet, moves toward the door, and then stops. “Listen, I’ve done and said stupid shit when I was in pain. I’m not judging you. I’m just going to tell you that a measure of a man is how he handles himself after he’s hurt the one he loves. If you’re the man that I know you to be, then you’re going to have to stop your self-sacrificing bullshit and love her with no reservations. Don’t hold back, Wyatt. We’re not guaranteed a damn thing in life. If you find someone you love, hold on to that person, because it could be gone the next day. I think you and I know a thing or two about that.”

  Presley walks out the door, leaving me to think about what she said.

  I didn’t want to hear it. I knew—I thought I knew—what she wanted. The last thing I wanted to do was hold Angie back. Losing our daughter was the loophole she needed. So I did what I always do . . . I convinced myself that if I loved her, I had to let her go. How could I have been so blind?

  Now I don’t know if I can ever get her back.

  I fucked up.

  Bad.

  Angie

  “WHAT DO YOU THINK?” ERIN asks again. It’s been a rough two weeks since I came back to Philly, but Erin is happy to have me back. She’s been in my ear every day about looking at new properties. I figured there was no point in holding off, so today she’s dragging me around to check out new locations.

  “It’s fine.”

  Erin steps in front of me. “You’ve said that about every single place. One of them was a dump.”

  “Because whatever you pick is fine, Er.”

  My heart isn’t in anything. It’s back in Bell Buckle being trampled.

  When I got home, I thought it would only take a few days to get settled back into life. I had no idea it would feel like my insides have shriveled up. Nothing feels the same. Not even Starbucks tastes good. Nothing does. I miss the fresh air, rolling hills, and that hardheaded asshole. More than that, I hate that Faith is buried there, and I’m here. I can’t go see her. I can’t talk to her on that hill.

  I’m more alone now than I was before.

  My body isn’t healing. I’m achy, unable to eat, and all I want to do is sleep.

  “Angie, I’m worried about you.” She places her hand on my arm. “I think maybe you should talk to someone?”

  “I’m just sad.”

  “I can’t say I understand, because I’ve never been through it, but I’ll listen.” She’s sweet. It’s why I brought her on. Not only is she smart, but she really does have a heart of gold.

  “I appreciate it.”

  The truth is, I don’t want to talk. There’s nothing left to say. I fell in love with a man who didn’t love me. If he had, he would’ve shown it. I needed him. Sure he was there physically, but he checked out every other way.

  If I’d stayed, nothing would’ve changed. He showed me that.

  It’s been fourteen days and not one single word.

  I’ve fought myself from calling or texting him, but I vowed to put my mangled heart back in my chest and hoped it would beat again. I don’t think that will happen if I call him and hear his voice.

  “Want to grab something to eat?” Erin asks.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Angie.” She sighs. “You’re miserable here.”

  I’m miserable in general. Who knew that heartbreak could hurt so bad? I always thought people were just dramatic. I never could grasp how they couldn’t move on when a relationship didn’t work out. Now, I get it. I so get it.

  “I feel like I’ve lost everything.” I say. “I know I haven’t. I mean, I have the store, you, Presley and the boys back there. I’m sure I’ll snap out of it.”

  “Have you thought about calling him?”

  Every. Fucking. Day. “I made it perfectly clear how I felt. He did the same.”

  I promised Presley I would definitely see her in a few months. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to do it, but I’ll be at her wedding. Somehow, I’ll find a way to get there and be fine when I see him.

  I’m guessing copious amounts of alcohol will be consumed.

  “I hate this for you.” Erin’s sweet voice tries to comfort me. “I don’t want to push you if you’re not ready.”

  When I lost the baby, Erin became extremely understanding. She explained that she really wanted to move forward, but as time went on, she got it. I think it had a lot to do with the guy she’s falling head over heels for, but I won’t point that out. She’s happy, and I’m happy for her.

  I look around at the empty space, thinking that it represents how I feel. I’m vacant inside. “Well, we don’t have to do anything if we don’t want to. It’s kind of a great place to be. The store is really self-sufficient with the new manager. If we want to expand, we can, or we can keep it as is.”

  Erin’s phone rings, and by the smile on her face, I know it’s the guy she’s seeing. She puts her finger up to say one minute, and I step outside and onto the sidewalk. It’s a really great spot and is closer to downtown than our other store. It’s also closer to my apartment. Media isn’t far from me, but I’d love to have the option to walk to work if I want.

  I take a step back and bump into someone. “I’m so sorry!” I start to say, but my eyes meet someone I know.

  “Angie?” Nate smiles.

  “Nate. Hi!”

  “You’re back.” He steps forward and pulls me into his arms. “I’ve been wondering how you were doing.” He glances to my stomach, which should have been very pregnant. Last time he heard from me, I was knocked up and leaving for Tennessee.

  “There was an accident,” I explain before he can ask.

  Nate stands there with sadness in his eyes as I give him the cliff notes of what led me back here. He takes my arm and leads me over to a bench when I start to choke up. We sit, and I do my best not to lose it.

  “I’m truly sorry, Ang.” Nate shakes his head. “Are you and the guy . . .”

  I shrug, knowing exactly what he’s too hesitant to finish asking. “He was driving and took it hard.”

  He nods. “Guilt is a hard thing to live with. I see it with the parents a lot. They feel like it was something they did during their pregnancy or genetics. It tears apart a lot of relationships.”

  “I guess. Enough about me. What about you? Seeing anyone special?”

  Nate chuckles. “I’ve yet to find that girl who can put up with my need to always work. I struggle with guilt as well. When I’m at home, I think about the patients I could be helping.”

  We talk a little more about what I’ve missed, which is nothing really. He tells me about some of the kids he’s been working with and how he lost one recentl
y. It’s the truth when I make a comment that some girl is going to kick herself for not finding him sooner.

  “Tell me about—” he starts to say, but his phone goes off. “Excuse me a minute.”

  Nate stands and speaks quickly to the person on the other line. I think about how different this conversation could’ve gone if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. Would we be sitting and having a lunch date? Would we even still have been seeing each other? I want him to find someone and be happy, and I don’t think I was ever that girl for him. Nate is a lot like I am when it comes to keeping himself safe. He “dates” girls who aren’t serious and becomes more of a friend than a lover.

  He’s nothing like Wyatt. No, that man forced himself into my heart. He made me see what life could be like if I love someone. How things seem better. Everything feels more real. Then he showed me how much it hurts when it’s taken away.

  I won’t cry. I won’t cry.

  He ends his call and walks back to me. “I hate to run, but I need to get back to the hospital.”

  “Of course.” I smile.

  “It was great seeing you.” He kisses my cheek and then adds, “Maybe we can do dinner?”

  The last thing I ever want to do is lead him on. “Maybe.” I know he reads the wariness in my eyes.

  “Not like that. But we were good friends once, Ang.”

  And we were. It was the thing I loved about being around him. We could never be more, but he’s a good guy. “We’ll always be friends.” I promise. “You should get going.”

  “If you need anything . . .”

  “I know where to find you,” I finish automatically. It’s what he always says to me before he leaves, and even though I won’t call him, it’s still sweet.

  Erin comes out and hooks her arm in mine. “Let’s go get some cupcakes and talk about what we want to do.”

  I look at Nate’s back as he walks away. “Okay. Time to move in one direction.”

  I need to let go of what could’ve been. Wyatt let me go, and now I need to do the same.

  It’s time to move on. I don’t want to love someone who doesn’t want me.

  “So you lost the baby and didn’t call me?” Mother sounds taken aback.

  “Nope. I didn’t think you cared.”

  I’ve had the day from hell. I figured I might as well add to it. Erin and I decided to pass on the location. They started trying to nickel and dime us. It wasn’t worth the additional cost to renovate with them already trying to squeeze what they could out of us. Then, I spilled coffee down the front of my white dress. I got my shoe stuck in a grate, and I busted out in random tears when “Rhinestone Cowboy” played on the radio.

  “Angelina,” she chides. “Of course I care. It was my grandchild.”

  “No, Mom. It wasn’t. You didn’t know or care. You say awful things to me and treat me like I’m the shit on your shoes, and I’m over it.” I’m on a roll, so I continue to spill whatever’s on my mind. “Look, I’m tired of being your whipping post. I’ve endured this from you my entire life. I thought if maybe I took it long enough, you’d stop dishing it out, but you haven’t. You don’t care about me. You don’t care about the baby I lost or the man who didn’t love me. You don’t care. So, I’m going to stop this.”

  “Excuse me?” She gasps.

  “I’m going to stop doing this to myself.”

  I’ve learned that this isn’t the kind of relationship I want. She’s toxic, and I’m not going to be contaminated by her hate anymore. My life isn’t hers to ruin. I’ve done a bang-up job of that on my own.

  “You really think this way about me?” Is she really acting perplexed right now? Unbelievable.

  “Mom.” I’m not even going to do this. “If you truly don’t know the things you’ve done to me, Todd, Presley, and God only knows who else, then you have issues. You’ve been awful to me since you had cancer. I’m sorry you were sick. I’m truly sorry that life handed you that, but I have my own problems. I lost a little girl who I loved and never knew. I held her in my hands, loved her, cried over her, and buried her. Then, because of that horrific pain, I lost Wyatt too. But the kicker is, I never even thought to call you. What do you think that means?”

  I know exactly what it means. She’s not someone I can count on.

  “I’m going to pretend this is all just in anger and grief.”

  “Pretend away.” I shrug. I don’t care what she needs to tell herself so she can sleep at night. I’m learning pretty quickly she’s never going to love me, so I’m going to stop waiting for it.

  “We’ll talk when you’re less hostile.”

  I laugh. “Okay, Mom. We’ll do that.”

  She’ll never change. I’ll never be okay with it. It’s sad because I would’ve never wanted this with Faith. Not that my mom and I would have ever been like Rory and Lorelai Gilmore, but we could’ve at least had a friendship. I would’ve never treated Faith as if she were a burden. No little girl should grow up thinking she’s irrelevant.

  The phone disconnects, and I collapse on my couch. It’s been seventeen days since I’ve heard his voice. I would’ve thought it’d be easier by now.

  Instead, I’m more miserable than the day I left.

  I close my eyes and try to push him out of my mind. I can’t let myself get caught up in being in a world where I don’t belong. There’s no sense in casting wishes that’ll never be granted. But I can’t seem to stop myself. His brown eyes fill my thoughts. The way he’d smile when he was up to something, or how his voice sounded when he was concerned. Mostly, I think about how it felt to be in his arms. The contentment and security he commanded just by being there.

  Knock, knock, knock.

  Ugh. I shouldn’t have been letting myself go there anyway.

  I schlep over to the door and open it. “Hi. What are you doing here?”

  Nate stands there in his scrubs holding a bag of takeout and a six pack in the air. “I know we said maybe, but I was hungry and I somehow ended up here.”

  Not wanting to be rude, I open the door wider. “Thank you.” I smile. “Come in. I’m starving, and we both need to eat, right?”

  “Right.”

  What could it hurt? Nate is one of the few friends I have here, and it’s just dinner. I could use someone like him in my life, even if he’s seen me naked.

  “WAIT, SO THE LITTLE GIRL made it?” I ask as I open another bottle of wine. Nate and I ended up eating and then moving on to pilfering my liquor. Thankfully, the girl who watched my house while I was gone didn’t drink it all.

  I won’t even pretend it doesn’t feel great to relax. I’m curled up on the couch in a pair of shorts and a baggy sweatshirt. My hair is piled on top of my head, and I look like crap. But Nate isn’t looking at me as a date, he’s just a friend.

  It’s been good to have a little normal tonight.

  “She did.”

  “That’s crazy! You said she coded.” I pour another glass of wine.

  “I’m telling you, it was terrifying. But somehow we were able to get the bleeding under control.” He grabs another beer from the six-pack he brought. “It’s amazing what the heart is capable of doing.”

  “Yeah.” I puff. “It’s also the easiest to injure.”

  He grips my hand. “It is also the strongest. I’ve seen hearts in such bad shape that I didn’t think there was any way they could come back from it. But they did.”

  I appreciate where he’s going with this. The hope he’s trying to inject into my black heart. Sometimes there’s no amount of hope that can heal a shattered soul. Instead of bringing this evening to a gloomy low point, I change gears. “Good to know.” I wink.

  He chuckles. “I’ve really missed you, Ang.”

  I lean back, unsure of what to say. “Nate.” The truth is that I didn’t think of him once. Once I started to fall in love with Wyatt, I stopped missing anything about Philly. I was happy. I fell in love with more than just Wyatt. It was his world and his family. I felt like I belonged there.
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  “No.” He puts his hand on mine. “I know what you’re thinking, and I’m not trying to move in on you like that. I know you’re going through something. I wasn’t trying to push you.”

  “There’s just no way I’m close to ever . . .” I press my hand against my chest. I can’t even think of another man. “I didn’t know that was what tonight was.”

  “I know, and it wasn’t supposed to be. I knew you were sad, I was hungry and figured maybe you’d want some company. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Nate clarifies. “It’s the booze. I never should’ve said that.”

  “Loose lips sink ships,” I jest.

  “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder,” Nate retorts.

  I giggle. “There’s no such thing as too much wine.”

  “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”

  My heart plummets. I know he doesn’t mean anything by it, but if that’s the case . . . everything Wyatt said to me was how he truly felt. He was saying it all without the filter of sobriety. The last shred of hope I was holding on to just disintegrated.

  I turn away to hide the tears building. “I remembered I have an early meeting with Erin.” I lie. Once I’ve composed myself, I look at him. “I need to get to bed.”

  Nate looks at his watch and back to me. “I should get going. Rounds always come earlier than usual.”

  I walk Nate to the door and thank him again for dinner. I promise to call him soon, but I think we’ll need some very firm boundaries in place. After he leaves, I start to clean the mess from dinner, give up, and text Presley. Having her back in my life for those few months on a daily basis reminded me how much I love having her around.

  Me: I miss you.

  Presley: I miss you tons! The boys are driving me nuts about the wedding.

  Logan and Cayden have found their very mischievous sides. Presley has her hands full with those two. Plus, their soon-to-be stepdad is like a giant kid. He riles them up more than anything.

  Me: What did they do now?

  Presley: They’re crazy! They called your mother to invite her.

  Oh, God no. I really hope she doesn’t come. Although, I don’t think she will. After Todd died my mom wrote Presley off, blaming her for what happened and saying that a “real wife” would have seen the signs. God forbid she believes that Todd lied through his teeth to everyone.

 

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