by K E Lane
"Robyn," I said, "I don't…"
She shook her head and held up a hand. "No, please. Let me finish this. And then you can kick me out, or tell me I'm a bitch, or whatever." When I stayed quiet, she continued. "After a few months, I decided that maybe getting you into my bed wasn't such a good idea after all; it wasn't worth the risk when we were working together and hell, I could barely get you to talk to me anyway - you just giggled a lot and occasionally said really bizarre things."
I stuck my hands in my pockets defensively, embarrassed to know that I had appeared just as stupid as I always felt around her.
"Then one day you started talking to me. You were funny, and smart, and sweet…and I started to really like you, and I was still crazy attracted to you…it scared me, I guess. I have friends, and I have lovers, and I haven't wanted both of those things from one person in a long time." She paused, pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "I lied to you about going out of town that weekend because I was scared. When you told me you hadn't been with a woman, I used it as an excuse to push you away because I was scared. What I did last weekend at the party…treating you that way," she looked at me sadly, "was because I was scared, and it was easier to be an asshole than to admit how much I care about you."
She stopped, and took a deep breath before continuing. "But being scared of how I felt about you was nothing…nothing," she repeated intensely, "compared to how fucking scared I've been for the past three days. The thought of losing you," she shook her head, "it terrified me. Petrified me. It still does. But it made me realize that what you said the other night, at my house, was true. It's worth the risk. This," she gestured between us, moving towards me. "This is worth the risk. You," she came to a stop in front of me and laid a hand on my chest. "You are worth the risk. I don't want to lose you again, and I'll do whatever you want, take whatever you're willing to give. I know I've probably fucked things up royally, but I hope that we can at least be friends, and maybe, someday, something more."
I stared at her stupidly. She'd taken my breath away again - this time with words.
When I didn't respond right away, she gave me a pained smile. "Ah, well." She cupped my cheek. "At least now you know. Would you at least think about what I said? I'd like to be friends at least, if nothing else." She trailed her hand down my arm and squeezed my hand.
I still hadn't said anything, and she smiled sadly. Finally, when she moved towards the door, I managed to say something.
"Stay," I whispered. I held tightly to her hand, not letting her move any closer to the door. "That's what I want."
"What?"
"You said you'd do anything I want," I said, louder now. "I want you to stay. I want to hold you…I want to fall asleep with you…when I wake up tomorrow morning, I want you to be the first thing I see." I pulled gently at her hand, bringing our bodies back together. "That's what I want." I looked into her eyes. "For starters."
The tenseness in her face slowly faded and she raised an eyebrow, a smile twitching at her lips. "For starters?" Her thumb absently stroked across the back of my hand, raising goose bumps on my arm.
"For starters," I agreed. "Tomorrow, we'll see what happens." I took her hand and placed it on my hip. "Deal?"
She smiled, warm and content. "Deal."
##
The strident ringing near my head tore me out of deep sleep and I slapped at the noise, thinking it was my alarm clock and puzzled when the noise didn't stop. I blinked a few times, noticing a flashing red light, attached to a phone.
Ah. Phone. Ringing. Right.
Pleased to have solved the first puzzle of the day, I frowned when the noise continued, finally realizing I needed to answer the phone. I grabbed at the receiver, snagging it with clumsy fingers on my third try, and brought it to my ear as I rolled onto my back.
Or at least tried to roll onto my back.
"This is a Mountain Inn courtesy wakeup call," a pre-recorded voice said in my ear, but I was too busy remembering why there was a warm, soft body at my back and a gentle hand rubbing circles under my shirt to pay much attention. "Thank you for staying with us at the Mountain Inn, and have a great day."
"Uh-huh," I mumbled absently and replaced the receiver carefully, torn between staying where I was and allowing the soft caresses to continue and rolling over to verify that Robyn was actually here.
"Good morning," a low voice murmured in my ear and I closed my eyes at the rough, husky sound. I'd wondered for ages what that voice would sound like in the morning; it was much, much better than I'd ever imagined. She dropped a kiss on a very sensitive place behind my ear, sending shivers through my body, and tightened her arm around me.
I stroked the skin of her arm, lacing our fingers together and squeezing her hand tightly to my body before releasing it and slowly rolling over. She shifted a little to allow me some room, and I finally settled with my head on her bicep with our faces just inches apart.
"Good morning," I said softly, lifting a hand to trace the features of her face in wonder - her eyebrows, her cheeks, her jaw, her lips… "I can't believe you're here," I whispered in amazement, rubbing the pad of my thumb along her lower lip.
She kissed my thumb and leaned in to brush her lips across mine gently, lingering for just a moment before pulling back. She smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling. "Thank you for letting me stay."
I leaned in and brought our lips together softly as she had done, sucking gently on her lower lip, swiping lightly with my tongue. "You're welcome," I answered after I'd pulled back, pleased at the quick intake of breath I had caused and warmed by the lazy desire I saw on her face.
She closed her eyes and gathered me closer, slipping a hand under my shirt and tracing languid patterns on the skin of my back with her fingernails.
"Mmmm…that feels good," I murmured, and snuggled into her neck, breathing in her scent. We had fallen asleep fully clothed, and I found myself wishing she had worn a different shirt; the mock turtleneck covered far too much of her long neck. Parts I wanted to explore.
My arms were pinned between our bodies, but I wiggled one hand free and hooked the collar of her shirt with a finger. I tugged it down, trailing kisses along her neck, lingering at the hollow of her throat, then back up and along the underside of her jaw.
She took a shuddering breath and the fingernails on my back stopped. "Caid…"
"Mm-hmm?" I answered vaguely, intent on my exploration.
Her arms tightened and we rolled until Robyn was lying on top of me, our mouths close together. "You're killing me," she said softly, leaning in to flick her tongue along my lower lip, and then my upper lip. I opened my mouth in response and she took advantage, kissing me slowly and thoroughly until my head swam.
She pulled back with a groan and one final nip on my lip; I looked up at her, dazed. She smiled in sympathy. "We don't have time to do this properly…" She dipped down to nuzzle my ear, her voice sending tremors through my already aroused body. "And I really want to do this properly…" She pulled back a little and kissed the tip of my nose, "so I'm going to roll back over and just hold you for a little while longer, and you're going to behave yourself, okay?"
I nodded mutely, panting, my head still swimming in a Robyn-induced haze. Good God. It was insane what one kiss from this woman could do to me.
She rolled onto her back and patted her shoulder invitingly. "Come 'ere."
I moved over, then paused and looked up at her hesitantly. "Could I…could I hold you?"
She smiled slowly and nodded. "I'd like that."
She scooted down a bit and tucked her body against my side, laying her head on my shoulder and her arm across my stomach. I let her settle in then put my arms around her and kissed her hair, sighing. "This is nice."
"Mm-hmmm…" she mumbled, wiggling a little to get closer.
I kissed her hair again, and stroked the bare skin of her arm. "Whenever I've been with…" I paused, wondering if this was proper snuggling conversation, "…guys…they always did t
he holding…"
"Ah…" she gave a low laugh. "One of the many perks of being with a woman." She put her hand on my stomach and rubbed lightly. "And it's okay to talk about, you know," she added, reading my pause correctly. "I know you haven't been with a woman, but I'm assuming you're not a virgin…" She stopped and lifted her head quickly to look at me. "You're not, are you?"
I laughed at the trace of panic in her voice. "No, I'm not." I stole a quick kiss while her lips were so close. "It's safe to say I've got the mechanics down fairly well."
She relaxed back onto my shoulder with a chuckle, and we were quiet for several moments before she asked, "How long…" she paused, and I could feel the slight shake of her head. "I'm sorry - it's none of my business."
"How long since I was with someone last?"
I felt her nod. "Do you mind me asking? You don't need to tell me…"
"Well, I suppose, if we're going to do this properly," I said, using her phrase from earlier, "then it sort of is your business, isn't it?" I thought for a bit, remembering the two-week fling that had been a last ditch effort to convince myself that I wasn't gay. "I guess Christmas, year before last."
She raised her head again, staring at me in surprise. "But that's…" she frowned as she calculated, "that's over a year and a half ago. Surely it can't have been that long?"
I raised my eyebrows at her incredulous tone. "I'm afraid so." She shook her head in disbelief, and I asked hesitantly, not sure I wanted to know the answer, "I gather it hasn't been quite that long for you?"
She dropped her gaze from mine and lowered her head back on to my shoulder. "No," she said quietly, making circles on my t-shirt with her finger. "Last month." She paused. "The weekend I told you I was going out of town."
"Ah." was all I could think of to say.
Ouch. That one stung more than I expected it to. And brought a bit of reality into my idyllic morning.
I kissed her hair one last time and gently moved my arm from under her head, then sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, running a hand through my hair.
"Caid?" she asked worriedly, placing a hand on my back.
I looked over my shoulder at her and smiled reassuringly. "It's okay - just brought to mind some realities that I didn't think about last night."
"Realities?" she repeated, sitting up slowly, looking tousled and beautiful and all I wanted to do was to lay back down with her; to feel her against me again, but instead I was going to ask for something that might keep me from ever doing that again.
"I've learned lots of things about myself over the years, Robyn," I said quietly, turning on the bed to face her. "And one of those things is that I'm not very good at sharing. I know that maybe you're used to something…different…but I know from experience that I don't work that way." I took a breath. "So if that's not something you want as well, then maybe we should just…stop." I looked down at my hands, afraid of what she would say.
She raised my face to hers with gentle fingers under my chin and smiled softly. "I may have been a pig, Caid, but in the few relationships I've had, I've always been a monogamous pig. I'm glad you said something, because I want - and expect - the same thing."
"You do?" I asked, the smile growing on my face.
She leaned forward and kissed me gently. "I do."
"Sweet." I said without thinking.
"Sweet?" She looked at me with a quizzical smile.
I laughed and shook my head wryly. "God, too much time with my brother and his friend this week. Smack me if I say 'dude' or 'awesome.' Or 'check it.' Really smack me if I say 'check it.'" She laughed and leaned back on her hands, smiling at me, her eyes warm with affection. The "Robyn Rush" took me by surprise, and I acted on impulse, pushing her back on the bed and crawling on top of her, kissing her intensely.
She let out a muffled huff of surprise but responded immediately, opening her mouth to deepen the kiss and pushing my shirt up roughly to run her hands up and down my back. Her fingernails scratched up my spine, not lightly, and I arched against her with a gasp.
"God…" I pulled my mouth away from hers to breathe, just as a knock sounded at the door. Both of us froze for several moments, staring at each other. I rolled to the side, flopping heavily on my back and staring at the ceiling. "Goddamn." Whether I meant it as a curse for the person at the door, or an expression of amazement at how Robyn affected me, I wasn't sure.
"Jesus Christ, Caid…where did that come from?" Robyn asked shakily, laying an arm over her eyes.
I rolled my head to the side to look at her, answering honestly, "I have no idea."
She smiled and grasped my hand, squeezing gently. "Well, feel free to do that again, anytime."
"Anytime?" I grinned.
"Within reason, Miss Harris," she answered dryly. "For instance, now is not a good time, so you should stop looking at me that way."
There was another knock, and Perry's muffled voice came through the door. "Yo, Caid. Wake up!" More knocking followed.
Robyn raised an eyebrow. I sighed and sat up. "My brother," I explained as I stood, reaching down to grasp her hand and pull her to her feet.
She nodded and ran a hand through her hair, looking around the room. "Do you have a brush or something?"
"In the bathroom," I said over my shoulder as I walked to the door. Perry knocked again, harder this time. "I'm up, I'm up!" I said loudly, and pulled the door open, catching Perry in mid-knock. "Jeez, Per, I'm up already."
"Took you long enough," he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. His hair was still wet from a shower, and he had what looked like a small nick from a razor on his jaw.
I leaned against the door. "Have a little trouble with the razor this morning, Periwinkle?"
He scowled and pushed past me but stopped dead at the sight of Robyn coming out of the bathroom with a baseball cap in her hands.
"Can I borrow this?" she asked me, and smiled at Perry.
"Holy shit," Perry said.
I'd had similar reactions on several occasions, so I could sympathize.
"Perry," I pushed the door shut and stepped around him, resisting the urge to go over to Robyn and slip my arm around her. "Close your mouth and don't stare. This is Robyn. Robyn, my brother Perry."
Robyn put the hat on her head, tucked her hair behind her ears, and stepped forward, extending a hand. "Perry, nice to meet you."
He took her hand absently, staring at her despite my warning. "You're Robyn Ward."
She laughed lightly and allowed him to continue shaking her hand. "That I am."
"Jesus, Perry," I said in exasperation, "would you quit staring?" My sympathy with his reaction was waning.
He dropped her hand immediately, and looked over at me with a scowl. "I wasn't staring."
"Were too."
"Was not."
"Were too."
Robyn's laughter stopped the argument before Perry and I could make complete idiots of ourselves, and I glanced over at her sheepishly. "Sorry," I mumbled.
She just smiled. "I've got three sisters, I've been there." She glanced at her watch and looked over at me apologetically. "I should get to my room…I have a change of clothes, and I should take a shower…"
Still humming with tension from our earlier activities, my brain had no trouble immediately picturing Robyn naked in the shower and I felt my pulse speed up. Some of what I was thinking must have been plain on my face, because a slow smile spread across Robyn's face. "Within reason, Miss Harris, within reason," she murmured as she walked past me and patted my stomach.
She stooped to pick up her bag at the door. "I guess I'll see you both downstairs…" She looked at her watch and raised her eyebrows. "And we'd all better hurry. Liz would hate for any of us to be later than she is." With a final smile and a lingering glance at me, she left, the door closing slowly after her.
I couldn't have stopped my smile, even if I'd wanted to.
Hot damn. What a great way to start the day.
"Damn." Perry's awed vo
ice drew my gaze. He was staring, much as I'd been, at the door that Robyn had just left through, and now he shook his head and said again, "Damn. I heard you and Liz last night talking about a Robyn, but I had no idea…" He backhanded me on the arm. "You didn't tell me you were friends with Robyn Ward," he accused with a miffed expression on his face.
"Hey Perry," I feinted towards his face with my hand and poked him in the stomach when he raised his arm to cover his face. "I'm friends with Robyn Ward. Now get the hell out of here so I can take a shower."
"Ha-ha." He eyed me suspiciously as he sidestepped towards the door, guarding his stomach. "Jeez, I just about hit the floor when I saw her in here." He frowned. "What was she doing in here, anyway?"