by Jordyn White
“Yeah. She wants another shot, now that she’s better. She said she wants to put our family back together.”
I’m not quite sure how I’m still walking, other than perhaps the grip I have on Brett’s hand.
Is this why he looks like this? Because he has to break up with me?
My mind races through all the times we’ve talked about her, the times it was clear to me how much he loved her before, the panicked tone of voice he had when she called that night and he thought she’d hurt herself, the fact that the only reason it ended between them was because of an unexpected addiction to prescription drugs. Something that could happen to anyone. Something that might be behind her now.
Maybe it really wasn’t the end for them. Maybe her addiction was like my father’s possible affair: a blip in an otherwise solid marriage. Maybe they’re going to work this out.
God, maybe this is over for me.
We’ve stopped walking and it’s a good thing because I can’t move. He turns to face me and I want to beg him not to do this to me, not to leave me, but I’m so panicked at the thought of losing him that I can barely breathe.
“You know, I kind of saw it coming. After the visits we’ve had.”
I feel physically ill.
“But I still couldn’t believe she asked me that...” He’s giving me this expression I can’t interpret. Incredulity? Regret? What? “Then she said we should try, for Max’s sake.”
My heart stops. Oh god, no, no, no. He’d do anything for Max.
“You know, all I’ve wanted this whole time is what’s best for my son. So she tells me it’s what Max deserves, and you know what I thought? I thought, what do I deserve?”
A whole family. That’s what he deserves.
“Don’t I deserve something, too?”
I can’t even nod. I’m too terrified to even cry. I’m begging on the inside, still as fog on the outside.
He looks away toward the ocean, eyes distant and shaking his head. “I can’t...” he takes an exasperated breath. “I can’t make everyone happy.”
Everyone... like me? Is he apologizing for breaking up with me?
He’s still holding my hand. Letting me down gently.
“But I want what I want. Right or wrong, I do.” He looks back to me with a pained expression on his face, and shrugs helplessly. “But I don’t think it’s wrong. I want to be with the woman I love.”
Finally, I find my voice. Barely.
“Who is that?” I whisper.
He blinks at me, and furrows his brows. “‘Who is that?’”
He gives a quick glance to the ocean, mouth parted slightly in confusion, then looks back to me and says in disbelief. “Who’s the woman I love?”
I nod and press my lips together, resolved to be strong and handle this gracefully, even though I want to pound on his chest and cry and plead.
“God, Lizzy.” He steps close and cups my face in his hands. “It’s you.”
Tears instantly blur my vision.
“It’s you.” He kisses me and I hang on, a tempest of emotions. I’m weak with relief, but still tingling with fear over the fact that his first love really is trying to get him back. I need to, finally, understand what her recovery really means for him. “Honey, why would you think it wasn’t you?”
“Because Max deserves a whole family. You deserve a whole family, too.”
“Now don’t you start in on that. I just got through dealing with one crying woman trying to talk me into that, don’t you do it, too.”
A short laugh escapes me, and the tears escape my eyes, running down to his fingers. “But she’s better now,” I say, as he tenderly wipes away my tears with his thumbs.
“Well, that remains to be seen. It’s early still.”
A swoop of panic re-enters my heart. This is exactly what worries me. “Is that why? Because you don’t know yet?”
“Is that why what? Why I said no to her?”
I nod, tears coming again. God, I can’t stop them. “Lizzy, sweetheart. No. I said no to her, because I’m in love with you. You’re the woman I want. I don’t know if I deserve you or not, but I sure as hell want you.”
“But you only divorced her because she got sick. You said the woman you loved didn’t exist anymore. But she’s back now, right? So doesn’t that mean you might love her again?”
Still holding my face, he slowly shakes his head. “No. Because I’m in love with you.” He puts his forehead to mine, holding my eyes. “Only you. Forever you. You have nothing to fear, Lizzy.”
I slowly soften and sink against him, our faces still close. Is this really right? Is he really mine?
“What about what’s best for Max?”
He blinks and pulls back slightly. “Are you trying to get rid of me, Ms. Rivers?”
I laugh a bit again. “No, I just need to know... what about it?” I need to know that there aren’t any threats to us.
“Max,” he says gently, “deserves a better mom than he’s had. And if all goes well, he’ll have one.”
“But...” I swear, I can’t stop myself. “He deserves a whole family. Right?”
“Who says he won’t have one? Look...”
He brings me into his arms, and runs one hand soothingly down my hair again and again as he looks me in the eye and explains everything.
“Jessica and I did a lot of talking today. We talked about what happened between us before, and where we are now. There are a lot of things we both needed to say. This big thing happened to our marriage and until today, we’ve never talked about what that meant.”
He strokes my hair softly.
“She wants to fix things, and she can, but not with us. There’s nothing to fix. I do care about her and always will. She’s the mother of my child. But I’m no longer in love with her and that’s all there is to it.”
I rub my hands slowly over his back, allowing myself to feel the safety of his love and his embrace.
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “The truth is, if you weren’t here, I probably would’ve tried for Max’s sake. But it would’ve been a mistake. A marriage is built on the love between two people, not on the shoulders of a four-year-old.”
I nod.
“Talking to her today was tough. It was a long, hard conversation. But through it all, I had no doubts about what I wanted, and where I stand.”
He tucks both arms around my waist and squeezes.
“What’s in the past is in the past,” he says, “and everyone needs to accept that. The fact that Max’s parents are divorced is already a part of his life and that’s not going to change. But I see no reason why Max can’t have two women who love him.” I smile. “And a dog that loves him.”
I laugh. “That boy does need a dog.”
“And I need you,” he says seriously.
Arms wrapped around his waist, stomachs touching, I look into those lovely blue eyes of his and see what I’ve seen so many times: love. For me. And for the first time, Max’s mother no longer feels like a ghost who’s haunting us. She’s just his mother. That’s it. And I have nothing to fear.
“You’re the one I love,” he says, smiling. “You’re the one I hope I can build a future with. Maybe I’m selfish. But I don’t think so. I think you’re amazing, and that you won’t just be a blessing in my life, but in my son’s as well. That is... if you’ll have us.”
If I’ll have them?
I blink at him, realizing those words just put us in a whole new place. At least, I think they did. “Are you...proposing to me?”
He gives a nervous laugh. “Well... okay, I admit I didn’t realize it was going to come out that way. That’s not a question you have to answer. Besides, while we’re on the topic of what people deserve, you definitely deserve that done the right way. You know, better. The ring and the whole thing.”
He’s making light of it, saving face, and I do laugh. But I’m also surprised at myself. We’ve only been dating for two and a half months, so maybe I should b
e relieved that he’s letting me off the hook, but I’m not. I’m disappointed. Because if I’ve learned anything today, it’s that I have no interest in letting this man go.
“But...” he says, pulling me snug against him. “I’ll go out on a limb and tell you... I do know that’s what I want. Maybe that seems crazy, but I already know you’re the one for me.”
The tears come to my eyes again, but these are the good kind. “You do?”
He nods. “I knew when you told Max it was okay to miss his mom. And when you made us pancakes in the shapes of teddy bears. When you had your family sign a card to your great aunt. When you made me feel I could share anything and everything with you. When you stood by me through all this drama that’s been going on, even though I see it’s been hard on you. I knew when you forgave my mother for... being my mother.” I laugh. “When you brought Montana over in a matching costume. When you called your employee by name. When you spiked that volleyball like you were fucking Kerri Walsh Jennings.”
I laugh again and he smiles, his eyes glittering.
“I’m not afraid to take a leap with you,” he says slowly, shaking his head. “I haven’t been for a while, and that’s the one thing that kind of scared me, if that makes sense. I thought I should be more cautious. That I should take more time. But the truth is, I don’t need more time, because each moment with you tells me the same thing: you’re the woman I’ll love for the rest of my life. The woman I’d be insanely lucky to have. The woman who inspires me to be a better person, just so I can be worthy of her. You’re the first woman who’s ever made me feel this way, Lizzy.”
My smile widens, if that’s possible. “The first?”
“The very first. I can’t imagine my life without you. I can’t imagine our lives without you. The way you bring people in and adopt them as family, I know you’d do the same for Max. I know you’d love him, too.”
“I already do,” I say eagerly. “I love both of you.”
“See?” He draws me closer and rests his forehead on mine again. “Moments like that.”
I want to kiss him, but more than that, I want to tell him something. Foreheads still touching, I look into his eyes and say, “You know how I have a new vision for my house?”
He nods. I’ve already told him how he helped me stop thinking of that house as my parents’ house, and start thinking of it as my own. He already knows I have a new vision for it, and that’s why I’ve been able to start moving things around and get rid of stuff and make changes.
But there’s something I haven’t told him. “That vision...” I say softly, “you and Max are in it.”
His face softens and his hold on me slowly tightens.
“That’s who I see there now. All of us together, there in our house. Not their house anymore, but ours.”
“I love you so much,” he whispers, his voice thick with emotion, then he kisses me. We press together, holding our kiss, sinking into it, letting it affirm everything that’s been said, and communicate what’s not been said. He kisses me again, then my arms go around his neck and I tuck my head into his neck as he lifts me off my feet, squeezing firmly.
I laugh and hang on tight. The waves crash along the sand, and the fog hovers above the shoreline, and Brett is right here with me, and it is all magic to me.
When he finally puts me down, we’re both grinning at each other, glowing with the emotion of his non-proposal and my sort-of answer. I can wait for the later, “better” proposal. For the moment, I cannot imagine anything better than this, anyway. I’m perfectly happy knowing he’s fallen for me as hard as I’ve fallen for him. I even get little Max out of the deal. At this thought, my heart swells with love for that little boy. I’m overflowing with love for them both.
My life has not gone at all as planned, I realize. I didn’t initially plan to buy the Cottages, stretching away from us in both directions, and I didn’t plan to fall in love with Brett Carmichael and his son. No. Life has not gone as planned at all.
Thank God for that.
Chapter 40
Lizzy
Two weeks later, Max and I are sitting on the floor by his train table, rearranging the tracks to accommodate some new pieces he got for his birthday. Today was his party and it was quite a turnout. In addition to some of his little friends from preschool, he had about all the family in attendance a boy could want. All the local family on Brett’s side was at his house to celebrate, including his mother, of course.
She and I are getting on remarkably well. Yesterday I finished The Agony and the Ecstasy, just so she and I could discuss it, which we did. I ended up recommending another book to her, Moonwalking with Einstein, and we set a date for coffee in a few weeks so we can talk about it. Turns out she’s pretty easy to get along with, once she decides she likes you.
My brothers and Whitney were also here, mainly because Connor and Max have bonded and Max didn’t want to leave Rayce out. Not to be outdone, Rayce won him over by being a horse for all the kids to ride. I’ve never seen my brother like that with kids before, and I watched the whole thing in awe. For the first time, I wondered what sort of dad he might be, if he ever decides to become one.
Jessica was here too, with the friend who took her in after rehab. She has a job now, working for a small law firm downtown, but doesn’t get her new apartment for a couple more weeks. She seems to have accepted the outcome between her and Brett, and even pulled me aside at one point to thank me for being so kind to her son. I thanked her for sharing him with me, and told her I was proud of her for turning her life around. Which I am. I don’t know that she and I will ever be friends, but we certainly are not enemies.
As Max and I nearly complete the new circuit of his train tracks, with Montana lying nearby in doggy dreamland, I look up and say, “Where did your dad get off to?” I haven’t seen him in several minutes.
“He’s getting my big present ready,” Max says.
“Your big present? You’re getting more?” This kid already got a truckload, including what I thought were the gifts from his dad.
He nods, and snaps together two pieces of track. “It’s a surprise.”
A few minutes later, Brett comes down the hallway and Max looks at him eagerly. “Is it ready?”
Brett nods, smiling at me.
“Hooray!” Max cries, getting to his feet. I don’t know where this little kid gets all his energy. He’s been running around all day and looks like he could go for several more hours even though it’s nearly his bedtime. He hops over and grabs my hand, pulling on my arm. “Come on, Lizzy! Come on!”
I get to my feet, holding his hand, and he drags me to where Brett is waiting for us. When we get there, he takes my hand and squeezes, putting a kiss on my cheek. Max lets go of my hand and starts running down the hall, not toward his bedroom like I anticipated, but toward Brett’s.
“No, no,” Brett says. “Wait for us.” He holds out his hand and Max comes back dutifully, taking it.
We get to the door and Brett turns to me, smiling.
“Okay, Max,” he says. “Get ready, but don’t open the door yet.”
Max grins up at me and puts his little hand on the doorknob as Brett steps behind me and puts his hands over my eyes.
“Wait,” I say, beginning to realize I’ve been played. “What’s going on?”
“You’ll see!” Max says.
Brett comes in close and whispers in my ear. “It’s a surprise.”
A shiver runs through me, and I grin.
I hear the door open, and Brett slowly leads me inside, six tentative steps. He brings me to a stop. “Don’t open your eyes yet.”
He removes his hands, but I keep my eyes closed as instructed. There’s a scent in the room that I’m trying to identify, but before I have a chance to work it out, Brett says, “Okay. Open them.”
Brett’s room is aglow with what must be fifty candles at least, and rose petals scattered all over the floor and the bed. I now recognize the scent of burning candles and rose
s.
I spin around to discover Brett on one knee. He’s holding up a little ring box, open to display the stunning diamond ring inside. Max is by the door, his little hands clasped in front of his chest. Both Carmichael boys are grinning at me, but I can only gape at them.
“When I asked Max what he wanted for his birthday, he said he wanted us to be able to keep Lizzy.”
My hand flies to my mouth, and tears spring to my eyes.
“Elizabeth Rivers, I don’t know what I did to deserve a woman like you coming into my life...”
I smile, my hand still over my lips as I look back and forth between Brett and Max. Max gives me a quizzical look, and slowly drifts toward his father as he continues to talk.
“...but I promise to do everything in my power to earn your love every day. You are already our family in every way that counts, but one. Will you please give me the honor of becoming my wife?”
I nod rapidly, too choked up to speak, and see Max giving me quite a concerned look as I sink to my knees and give Brett an eager kiss. Then I wrap one arm around him, and pull Max into a hug with the other.
Max leans his head behind me and asks his dad in a quiet, confused voice, “Daddy, do we get to keep her?”
“Yes.”
“Then why is she crying?”
I laugh coming up and kissing him on the cheek. “Because I’m so happy.”
He gives his dad a questioning look, as if to verify the truth of this highly unlikely answer.
Brett laughs. “You’ll understand better when you’re older.”
We celebrate with some strawberry shortcake Brett had hidden in the back of the refrigerator to mark the occasion, then we read The Pokey Little Puppy just once, which is all it takes for Max to fall asleep. Apparently, all this little bundle of energy needed to do was go horizontal and his body did the rest.
Through it all, I realize I’ve discovered a level of family I did not quite understand. I’ve been a child in a family. I’ve been a sister. I’ve been many things, but I look at Brett over little Max’s curly head, and in some ways he already feels like my husband. Max already feels like mine too. There is a depth to this kind of family that’s exhilarating, and a little frightening, and the most beautiful gift I could have ever received.