I left the living room and went to the bedroom I once shared with my wife. The time passed so quickly, it was hard to believe I hadn’t been there in over ten years. I paused for a second at the door to get my emotions in check. I wasn’t big on displaying my feelings, but since I was alone, I allowed myself to go with the emotions I felt. As I pushed open the door I pretended things were as they should have been and waited for my wife to greet me. But of course they weren’t—and never would be again. The thought tugged at my heart and I lost my composure completely.
I sank to my knees as my sobs overwhelmed me. The force of my tears was so hard I rolled onto my side and brought my knees to my chest and rocked from side to side. A lot of plans for our future were made in this room. This was the only place in the house where I freely spoke to my wife and she talked back to me. This was the only room in which we shed façades. We were forced to wear and rejoice in a love we weren’t allowed to share.
I continued to rock back and forth until the sobs became muted whimpers. It was a good cry, long overdue. I continued to cry, but my tears weren’t just for the death of my wife and son. It was the end of my vision and my dreams. Things would never be the same and there was nothing I could do about it. It was a bitter pill for me to swallow since I always prided myself on being in control. But someone I didn’t even know had taken that power from me and I wanted it back.
I indulged myself for more than an hour. It was an hour that I didn’t have to spare, but I didn’t have much choice—my grief knew no bounds. As I wiped away the last tear I struggled to my feet. I wasn’t as young as I used to be, and getting my legs up under me was harder than I thought it would be. If my brother were still alive, I would have shot him myself because I ultimately felt it was because of him that my life was ruined. I closed the door behind me when I left, and vowed to never go in that room again.
I turned on the light to the stairs leading down to the basement. The bulb that normally lit the top of the stairs had obviously blown out, but there was enough light coming from the window at the bottom of the steps for me to see my way. I carefully walked down the stairs. The last thing I needed to do was to fall and break a hip or something.
Like the rest of the house it was empty of furnishings with the exception of a washer and a dryer. I guessed the new owners decided to keep them, even though they were old as hell. For the first time since I entered the house, I smiled.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
VICTÓRIA MENDOZA
Verónica was picking me up today so I had to get my mind right. Part of me was excited, but the other part of me was worried about where I was going to stay. I didn’t know what awaited me back at my old apartment, and I definitely didn’t want to stay with Verónica and Moses.
I was sitting on the side of the bed when Verónica pushed open the door. The nurse had already removed my IV and had given me my discharge papers.
“Hey, you, you ready to go?” she said with a gorgeous smile on her face.
“I’ll say. I didn’t sleep at all last night. It was like they were trying to give me every test under the sun before I left. I’m so needled out it ain’t even funny!”
“I hear ya. I was only in the hospital for about ten days but they gave a new meaning to running a few tests.”
“I guess I shouldn’t complain because they obviously did something right, and at least I get the chance to leave.”
“You ain’t even lied. There were times that I didn’t think you were going to make it,” Verónica said.
She had a point. The nurses all told me how lucky I was to be alive. I thanked God every day for sparing me. I got up off the bed and started gathering the last of my belongings. I didn’t have much, but all that I had I was taking with me. Hell, they were charging me for it so I might as well have taken it. I even took the notepad and pen with the hospital’s name on it. I was sure that when I drilled down into the detail of my bill, somewhere on it would be a charge for it.
“Let me get that for you,” Verónica said.
I stepped back, surprised. I wasn’t used to having her waiting on me, it was usually the other way around. Especially when she was pregnant with LM. She had me doing everything, and I do mean everything. This was like poetic justice.
“It’s not heavy, I can carry it,” I protested mildly for appearances.
“Girl, it ain’t often that I get to wait on you so you’d better enjoy it while it lasts. Trust and believe as soon as we get to the house, you’re on your own.”
I cringed when she mentioned going to her house. Not only did I not want to go there because of Moses, I also didn’t want to be up half the night because of a crying child, nephew or not. “Where’s Moses?” I asked as we walked through the door.
“At work, honey, where else?”
I could not help but to laugh at the way she turned up her lips when she said it. “Why you say it like that? You knew that man worked a lot. Shit, you used to work with him so you know firsthand how he rolled.”
“I know you’re right, but once I went home, I never knew how much longer he stayed in the office. I could only assume. It’s been a damn culture shock now that I’m at home waiting for him. After sitting at home with the baby all day, I need adult interaction. That’s why I’m glad that you are coming home with me.”
I missed a step and stumbled when she said that. I didn’t want to burst her bubble or anything, but I wasn’t feeling that at all. “Uh, Verónica ... I’m not so sure that going home with you is a good idea. I mean, you and Moses are still honeymooners. I don’t want to be like a third wheel. Plus, we’ve got a good relationship; I’m not trying to ruin shit by moving in with you.” I hoped my explanation and misgivings were enough to make her change her mind.
“Girl, Little Moses is a third wheel. You would be more like an intervention. We’ve lived together most of our lives. It won’t be anything different, so stop tripping.”
Damn, she was making me feel like shit. We’d just passed the nurse’s station when the head nurse looked up and saw me.
The nurse said, “Hey, wait, you can’t just walk out of here. Let me get someone to assist you.”
“Nurse Walker, that won’t be necessary. My sister will help me if I need it.”
“It’s hospital policy.” She put down her pen and called someone over her radio to assist.
“For crying out loud. Can’t I walk out with my dignity?” I whined. I was beginning to develop a headache. Everyone had plans for me except me, and it was getting on my nerves. I patted my foot in agitation.
“Calm down, sis. It will only take a minute and we will be on our way.”
She was so giddy, I wanted to slap the fuck out of her. I leaned up against the station and tried to hide my irritation with the whole nine yards.
It took another ten minutes before we were finally able to leave the hospital, by this time I was fit to be tied. I just wanted to go someplace and be by myself. I still wasn’t up to full strength so I was so agitated. I really needed to be alone before I said something that I would later regret.
“You comfortable? We should be at the house in no time,” Verónica said as she pulled out of the hospital parking lot.
“What about Padre? Where is he these days?” I said, taking in the scenery.
“He’s at the house, watching LM. He’s moved back into our old house, so unless he’s watching the baby, I hardly see him.”
Being in the hospital I’d completely missed winter but it didn’t bother me one bit. I hated the cold.
“Hey, when you feel up to it, you might even consider moving in with him.”
“Pump your brakes, sis. You may be feeling all lovey-dovey and shit, but I don’t know that man, so you can nix that shit.”
“He’s not that bad, Victória. He’s actually a sweet man.” She was all smiles and shit, but I wasn’t feeling it.
“He may be, but I’m going to wait until I get to see that for myself. It’s only a matter of time before we see if
it’s all an act or not. And you really are going to have to think of another name for your child. You can’t keep calling him LM. I can understand how it would be confusing calling him Moses and you sure can’t call him little. The little girls will have my poor nephew traumatized by second grade.”
We both laughed.
She said, “I see it’s going to take more than one to the head to change that wacked sense of humor you have.”
“I’m just saying, Li’l? Even after he explains why y’all call him that, kids are still going to be curious. You going to have folks following him to the urinal to find out what’s really going on. God forbid his dick ...” I held up my pointer finger and thumb, squinting as I looked between my parted fingers. “Lawd, you should start working on this right away before the name sticks. I’m not calling him that. I just won’t be party to that nonsense, and you can best believe I’m going to tell him just as soon as he’s old enough to understand.”
We couldn’t stop laughing.
Verónica said, “His middle name is Ramón.”
The car became so quiet I could hear the crickets chirping outside the window. “Damn, I ain’t ready to call him that either.” I looked out the window, trying to think of how to get back to the happy wave we were just riding.
“It’s all good. We’ll think of something. I don’t want my baby traumatized.”
“Can we stop by my old apartment before we go to your house? I want to see what Tilo did with my things.”
“Victória, you’ve been in the hospital for close to two months. Chances are the landlord has already evicted your things, and they are probably sitting up in some junkyard somewhere or in one of your neighbor’s houses.”
“Can you just humor me?” I said quietly, but my mind was made up. If I hadn’t been evicted, I was moving home. “Wait, where is my car?”
“Moses drove it over to our house. But I’m not about to let you drive. You just got out of the hospital. You should be thinking about getting in bed, not riding all around town and shit.”
“Verónica, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.” I was done discussing it. I just needed my keys so I could be on my way. “So what’s it like having Padre around?” I was trying to change the subject to avoid an argument.
“He is not the same man I remember. He’s more ... mellow and relaxed,” Verónica answered.
“Are you sure that it’s him?” I asked. We had been duped once and I for one wasn’t ready to be duped again.
“I’m pretty sure. He’s very remorseful for staying away so long, and that’s more than I can say for his brother who pretended to be him.”
“Shit, that wouldn’t be hard to do ... The fucker didn’t show one ounce of compassion toward Madre.”
We sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes as Verónica drove. I was still going through it and trying to come to grips with the fact that my brother Ramón was dead and was never coming back. We both started speaking at the same time.
“I was thinking about Ramón,” Verónica said.
“I know. I was thinking about him too, and our mother.” I felt the tears I’d been holding back drench my cheeks.
Verónica said, “Cut that out. If you keep crying, I’m going to crash into a tree or something. Why don’t we think about something else?”
She was right. We had had enough pain over the last few months. It was time to heal. “You’re right. I’m sorry. So, how are things going with you and Moses?”
Verónica wiggled in her seat. I was trying to read her body language to see what that meant, but I was clueless. I wasn’t sure if she was wiggling because she was uncomfortable speaking about him or because she had a hot, freaky flashback and had to fan the cootie.
“It’s going good, I guess. When I first came home from the hospital, he was very standoffish, but he’s warming back up to me now. I think we are going to make it.”
“You were worried?” I was surprised. I knew Verónica loved Moses. She risked her first marriage on him, and he appeared to love her as well. But who was I to judge? I thought Tilo loved me.
“I hate to say it, but yeah, it was rough at first. If I didn’t know better, I might even go so far as to say Tilo started it. Her name came up a lot, and I finally had to check him about it. I don’t even want her name mentioned in my house.”
My hands started sweating. Tilo wasn’t my favorite person these days either, but it would really fuck me up if I found out that she was screwing Moses too. I tried to play off my concerns. “Are you serious? How? She didn’t even know either of you until all this shit went down, right?” A forgotten memory bounced around in my head. Tilo did know of Verónica. I told her about the affair, her marriage, everything. Damn.
“She may not have known me personally, but I think it’s mighty strange she was the one who found me and took me to the hospital after I got away from Monte’s madness.”
Motherfucker, this shit keeps getting deeper and deeper. I was so confused, I didn’t know who to trust.
“What could she have possibly said? I mean, think about it. I could tell the moment I saw Moses that he was in love with you.”
Ramón said the same thing to me when he saw the way Tilo looked at me. I was learning a valuable lesson: looks could be deceiving.
“Things are better now. We’ve gotten past the bad stuff,” Verónica said.
“So how did he react to the baby? I can’t wait to see him.”
“Girl, at first he wouldn’t go near him. If LM was crying, Moses would walk right on by him like he didn’t even hear him. I swear I cried myself to sleep every night for a solid month.”
“Aw, sweetie, I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that.”
“It’s better now. He’s come around.”
“So, what prompted the change?”
“To be honest, I don’t know. But I am glad it happened because I don’t think I would have been able to continue down the same road we were going.”
“Well, for your sake, I’m glad.”
We arrived at Verónica’s house. I was eager to get going, so I immediately gathered my things.
“Wait, give me a minute to check on Padre and the baby, and I’ll ride over there with you.”
“No, I need to do this by myself. There is a chance she’s gotten rid of everything but I have to see it for myself. If that’s the case, I’ll be back. Either way, I have my phone and will call you to let you know what’s going on.” I didn’t want to argue with her about it, but I would if I had to.
“Victória, I don’t have a good feeling about this. I bet if I look through your discharge papers it probably says you shouldn’t drive.”
“Whatever. I’m going. I’ll call you after I see what I see.” I left her sitting in the car.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
TILO ADAMS
I leaped up from the bed in a cold sweat, shaking from head to toe. My eyes swung around my hotel room, frantically looking to see who or what had scared me so badly. I was trembling. I held my hands in front of my face, and they looked like they didn’t even belong to me. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was losing touch with reality. My life had become a series of bad dreams and sullen memories. More than anything, I wished I could have a do-over. If God granted me one, I was certain I would do things differently.
“This shit has got to stop,” I said out loud. Every time I closed my eyes it was the same damn thing and the shit was old, but I didn’t know how to make it stop. The sleep that I managed to get was sporadic at best. It took me hours to fall asleep, but when I did I was tormented with dreams, visions, and other unspeakable horrors.
I never imagined life as a criminal would be so hard. Now I understood what it meant to be on the lam and it was not a pleasant feeling. My cell phone sat on the vanity but it was just a paperweight because there wasn’t a single person listed who I could call just to get me through times like these. My mom thought I was dead. With the exception of Moses, everyone else did too
.
“I need to get away.” It was time to make a move. I had been saying this every morning for the last two months, but I had yet to act on it. I was still holed up at the Omni Hotel in Atlanta. Fear kept me there. I was afraid to trust the fake ID and passport that I obtained, even though I’d gotten it from a reliable source. “Bitch, stop talking about going away and do something about it.” Talking to myself had become second nature. It didn’t bother me that I was having a full-blown conversation with myself. With the nightmares I was having, it was a miracle I wasn’t walking down the street babbling like an idiot.
I walked into the bathroom to pee. I was so exhausted. I flopped down on the toilet seat and rested my forearms on my thighs. I peed like I hadn’t used the toilet in a month. I was so tired, I didn’t have the strength to stand up. As I rested my head on my knees, I drifted off to sleep. My nap, however, was cut short by another scary image of Victória’s face after I had shot her brother.
“Shit.” I wiped my cootie and pulled up my underwear. I went over to the sink to wash my hands. As the water got hot, I grabbed a washcloth from behind the door. The water felt good on my face and soothing to my eyes. For a moment I considered using it as a compress and crawling back to bed, but I was sick of the nightmares, and I was truly ready for a change in scenery. It was time that I did something about it. It didn’t make sense to have all this money and be afraid to leave the hotel. I tried to leave the bathroom without looking at my face, but my eyes had a mind of their own. The vision before me repulsed me. My eyes were bloodshot as if I’d been crying, and the dark circles underneath my eyes looked like I’d been in a fight and lost.
“Damn, girl, you’ve got to pull your shit together.” I threw the washcloth in the basin and left the room. It was time I did something about my situation. Before I had a meltdown, I had a plan and I was about to execute it. To make money, you had to have money, and I was about to make mine work for me.
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