Lila's eyebrows pull together as she frowns. “I thought you were okay with this?”
“And I am,” I assure her. “But like I said, we should probably have this conversation later.”
“Well, we're having it now,” she turns in her seat to face me directly.
“Is it so bad if I want to say ‘hey, she's mine’ to someone instead of ‘no, we have no fucking idea what we're doing’? Because I'd like to at least be able to explain to someone what's happening.”
“We're going slow,” she repeats. And I'm hearing her, I really am, but I don't think she's hearing me.
“So what happens if someone asks me if you're my girlfriend?” I frown, ignoring everyone else witnessing this debate. “And I have to say no, because you don't want to be called that. So then they want to hook up with me or something. And play the but you don't have a girlfriend so it's not cheating card.”
Lila’s back stiffens. “So you want to see someone else to get your rocks off?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “No, that's not what I'm saying. But what comeback do I have beyond ‘no’ when someone asks me?”
“Why do you need a comeback?”
“Why shouldn't I use one?” I counter. “But shouldn't I be allowed to say that the girl I care about, the girl who I want to be my girlfriend wouldn't take too kindly to girls hitting me up for a one night stand? And that I'm off the market. Because this,” I wag my finger back and forth between us, “doesn't make us exclusive in my mind. And I want to be fucking exclusive.”
“I'm just not there,” Lila sighs angrily. “Why is this suddenly so important? It wasn't important yesterday.”
But it was. And deep down in my gut, it's been important for awhile. And just because I seem to be way more into her than she is into me, doesn't mean I can force the same level of feelings on to her. That's not fair.
To either of us.
“You're right,” I say calmly. “It's not important to you. But it is to me. And it has been to me. I tried doing it your way, for your sake, because it's what you wanted. But that's not how I want to do this.”
“So what are you saying?” Lila asks. She looks so nervous, and I hate that I put that look on her face.
“That if you want to go slow, that's fine. But that means that if something better comes along, if someone wants to actually be with me then I have the right to take it. That's the ultimatum. Either you're with me and we're exclusive, or you're just going slow and I walk when it's something I can no longer put up with.”
“Killian,” Lila frowns.
“It's not important to you, Lila,” I emphasize. “And I'm trying. Can you honestly say the same?”
She opens and closes her mouth a few times, but it's eerily quiet in the compact kitchen. I shake my head, unwilling to let this blow up even more than it already has. Taking a step back, I shove my hands in the pockets of my Wranglers and move towards the back of the house for my boots.
“I'm going for a drive to clear my head,” I announce to the room at large. “I'll be back before supper.”
“Need a friend?” Alex asks quietly.
“No, man,” I shake my head with a rueful smile. “But thanks for offering.”
And no one makes a peep even after the back door slams shut.
Chapter Twenty-One
Lila
I'm not even sure what to say about the shitstorm that just happened.
How had we gone from defending our somewhat relationship to having a meltdown? And it wasn't even a meltdown, it wasn't even a fight. I'm not sure what to call it exactly.
Unfair.
Yeah, that's it. It was an unfair encounter on both sides.
I got it. I'm sure Killian thinks I don't, but I do. He wants to be able to say I'm his in public, out loud. And that makes it real.
But for me, that's just too fast. One relationship after another after another. I don't want to be that girl who can't make up her own mind. I don't want to be that person who winds up desperately in love with her best friend who decides she's nothing like what he's used to and walks away.
It's scary and unsure. But most of all it's unfair, but I'm not those girls and I don't want my past to be that I bounced around guys like they have.
Why can't Killian just see that?
The truck out back has long since left the driveway, leaving all of us quiet and lost in our own heads.
It's funny how someplace can be completely void of noise and still be deafening.
“Is no one going to go after him?” Ian finally asks, breaking the silence.
Mrs. Blane just shakes her head. “It’s best to let him clear his own head before anyone tries to intervene.”
“That was kind of brutal,” Alex sighs and glances at me. “You okay?”
Not in the least bit. “Yep.”
“Yeah, you look real peachy-keen right now,” Alex deadpans. “Seriously though, Lila. I'm your friend too, if you need anything.”
“Why don't you boys go sit in the living room and watch some television?” Mrs. Blane points out of the room. “Let the girls talk.”
“Sure thing,” Ian nods. Both him and Alex get up and scurry from the room like their asses were lit on fire.
“Lila,” my mother finally speaks after the quiet settles back in. “I'm disappointed in you.”
That sends me reeling back in my chair. “At me? For what?”
“For treating Killian that way,” she shakes her head.
“Mom,” I start but she raises her hand for me to be quiet and I quickly snap my jaw shut.
“We’re parents. We've been there, done that, sold the stock and lit the money on fire. We already can see where this is going. And where it's going is hell in a handbasket.”
“I'm not oblivious to how my son behaves at school, much to his dismay,” Mrs. Blane shakes her head sadly. “And to watch him be so sure of something and have it dangled out of his reach is heartbreaking as a mother. If you're not sure Lila, then I'd rather you cut it off now than further on.”
“It's not that,” I interrupt before either of them can say something else. “I was with Jared, then Brad, and now I'm seeing Killian. It just seems too fast to flip-flop from one guy to the next.”
My mom's face softens. “I get that, I do. But you went on a few dates with this Brad fellow, you weren't dating him in a serious capacity. You dated Jared for a long while and he was just horrible. You have the right to move on however fast you want. I can't imagine you took liking Killian with a grain of salt.”
“Of course not. He's been my best friend for over half my life,” I frown.
“That's my point, you know him. It's serious again and it's okay to feel rushed. But don't you think he's feeling the same way?”
“No, he isn't.” I wave my hand towards the back of the house. “Clearly, since he left.”
“I think you need to have a talk with him,” my mom says softly. “And I think you need to try and listen more because you're not hearing all of it.”
“Okay,” I nod, because there's not much else to do be agree with her. I turn towards Mrs. Blane and say, “I'll speak with Killian. I don't like arguing with him or making him feel that way at all. I'm sorry.”
“I know,” Mrs. Blane smiles politely at me. “But he's my baby boy, and you're his best friend. It's not going to be an easy ride, but it'll be easier in lot ways you wouldn't have thought about it.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“You already know each other,” Killian's mother shrugs. “That's usually the hard part. Finding out about someone and then deciding if that's a person you want to be with for a long time. You two already have that figured out.”
“And you figured it out when you were toddlers,” my mom chuckles.
Yeah, I smile softly at that thought, I guess we did.
It's a few hours before Killian comes back. He drops a cooler off by the back door along with his fishing pole. Instead of coming into the kitchen though, he heads into the
living room to join Ian and Alex.
My mom must see the sad look crossing over my face because she pats my shoulder as she walks by the sink.
“Just give him some space for now,” she says. “It couldn't have been easy saying all he did in front of everyone like that. Let him cool his roots.”
I half-smile at that. Cool your roots was a saying she used to tell us because our temper came from her side of the family and we needed to keep it in check.
No one's ever lied who said that redheads tend to have tempers. We do. And they aren't always pretty.
“Supper almost done?” I ask, peeking over the counter at the stovetop.
“Yes,” my mom nods. “Go set the table.”
“I swear feeding all of you is going to be the death of my wallet,” Mrs. Blane chuckles.
I collect dinner plates and napkins, setting them down along the long dining table. There are two benches that run along either side. It helps that our families cook together so often or else this table would be highly unnecessary.
“Boys!” Mrs. Blane hollers out as soon as the final plate is set on the table. There’s movement from the living room right before the guy's shuffle into the kitchen. Killian sandwiches himself between Ian and Alex on one bench.
No one says a word as we all slip into our seats and start to load our plates up with food. It’s quiet but tense. Both mothers are sitting at opposing heads of the table, leaving me alone on the bench across from all the guys.
“So,” Mrs. Blane clears her throat, “how was driving around?”
“It was fine,” Killian grunts before lifting a fork of mashed potatoes into his mouth.
“I see,” his mother mumbles and glances from me to my mother.
“Football is going great this year,” my mom comments. “Seems like another winning season is going to happen.”
“Yeah,” Alex nods his head.
Mom looks at me, but doesn’t say anything.
And that’s how the rest of the night goes. Someone asks a question and gets a curt answer. Everyone talks like they’re walking around on pine needles. I’d say eggshells, but this is by far worse than that.
My mother hugs me goodbye as we step into the driveway to head across town towards campus. Ian and Alex dart for Ian’s car, leaving Killian and I alone by his truck.
Well. That wasn't subtle at all.
It's quiet as we climb inside and Killian starts the engine. He doesn't look at me before he pulls onto the road.
I tap my feet to the low thrum of music playing, trying to think of something to say that's not going to make this situation worse.
“Maybe this isn't such a good idea,” Killian says softly.
My heart jumps in my throat at his words.
“We’re at two different stages. I don't want to pressure you when you've made it abundantly clear that being my girlfriend isn't what you want.”
“It's not not what I want,” I shift uncomfortably in my seat. “It just feels fast.”
“You've been single for almost a month,” Killian says calmly. “I don't count Bradley because he's an asswipe who didn't deserve your attention. And I'm going to be frank with you, Lila. Because I don't want any confusion on what I want.”
“Okay,” I whisper, but I doubt he hears me.
“I like you. I've liked you since that stupid Union dining date night event that Ian told me to take you to. I thought it would get you out of my head,” he says while tightening his hands on the steering wheel. He still doesn't look at me. “So maybe I'm just invested more into this. I don't know.”
“It hasn't even been one full day,” I wince.
“For you, no it hasn't. For me, it's been weeks. So I can back off and we can pick this up when you decide you're ready if that makes things better for you.”
Did it though? It surprises me that he's liked me that long. It actually more so surprises me that he likes me in general. Maybe that's part of my problem. It's hard to believe that the manwhore of campus, the guy I've seen flaunt around many girls for one night only, actually wants a relationship with me.
“But I'm still standing by my ultimatum. We can do that if you want, but I'll walk if it gets to be too much. I hate waiting around, being unsure of what will happen,” Killian adds.
“I'm not purposely trying to be difficult,” I say.
“I know you aren't. But you're being difficult regardless.”
Story of my life.
“But I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gotten irritated with you in front of our parents and friends. That wasn't fair at all.”
I stare at him as he pulls up to a stoplight. Even upset with me over my inability to just be with him like a normal person would be, he's still so kind to me.
Killian glances towards me, lifting one of his eyebrows in question.
I probably look like a goof just sitting beside him and staring. So instead I decide to act. Leaning forward, I press a quick kiss to Killian’s mouth before backing away a few inches.
“What was that for?” he asks.
“For being everything you're not,” I smile.
Now he's looking at me like I've lost my mind. “What does that mean?”
“You're practically a celebrity on campus. You have no shortage of girls wanting to hang off you in inappropriate ways. And you don't ever have girlfriends.”
“I'm not following what this has to do with you.”
“That's just it,” I shrug, “it doesn't. You're not that Killian with me. You're,” I pause for a moment to try and gather the right words, “my best friend who just happens to kiss me.”
Killian frowns and pulls through the green light, going back to staring at the road. “And that's a bad thing?”
“It's confusing.”
“We already went over this part,” Killian says in frustration. “I like you.”
“And I like you, too.”
“But I want you to be my girlfriend. And you don't want that.”
“I do.”
“No, Lila, you don't. You've been saying it for a week now.”
“Why did you agree to it then, if it wasn't what you wanted?”
“The whole dating without dating aspect?” Killian asks. “I've been trying to come up with a plan since the backyard bash to get you to see me so I could ask you out. Doing it your way meant you'd be more comfortable when I finally got the nerve to do it.”
“And now?”
“Now it just blew up in our faces. I thought I could wait without a label, but the truth is that I just can't. It's something I want us to do. It's not a fling or a game to me, and that makes me want to make this real.”
“And it's not real the other way?”
Killian shakes his head and sighs heavily. “It's a sham, pretending to want what you do to make you happy while giving up my happiness. There's a compromise, yes. But something has to give.” He sighs again. “I can't lose a part of what I believe for you, Lila. It shouldn't work that way.”
“I understand,” I say.
Neither of us say anything as the arch that declares you're entering campus comes into view. There's other people out driving around looking far more happier than we do.
The apartment complex parking lot is sparse when we pull in. And even when Killian kills the engine, we don't move to exit the truck. It's as if the truck is holding us hostage until we come to an agreement on what to do.
Killian’s still staring out the windshield not looking at me. So I decide to take a leap of faith.
“Can we date a little first?” I ask quietly. “You can tell people that we're together, that I'm off the market or whatever. I just want to date you for a little while.”
“Is that a commitment?” he finally asks.
“I guess so.”
“We're doing this backwards you know,” Killian finally turns to me. “I'm the campuses playboy. I should be the one with commitment issues.”
“I don't have commitment issues.”
That causes him
to snort. “You're kidding, right? It took you this long to commit to me.”
“Just give me some time to catch up,” I say softly. “That's all I want.”
“Okay,” Killian agrees. “Time I can give you. But I can't give you unlimited time, Lila.” Killian shoves open his door to step out of the truck, “I don't want my heart broken.”
Yeah, I think to myself, me neither.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Killian
Part of me wonders if this is a dream.
If I'm trapped in this feeling of going around and around with no end in sight. There's a hollowness now that wasn't there before, and I don't know what to do with that.
“You missed,” Ian repeats in astonishment for the fourth time.
I've yet to say anything back. Mostly because I fucking know that isn't going to make what he's saying untrue.
I missed.
We should have been tied, taking the game into overtime. I should have caught the ball Alex tossed my way. It was right there. And yet, I grabbed a hold of nothing but air.
Because I missed.
“Dude,” Alex scowls, shoving his pads angrily into his locker. “What the hell was that? You've caught longer yards than that without missing a beat. What happened?”
“I don't know.” It's the only answer I have.
“We're not undefeated anymore,” Alex continues on, shoving more things into his locker angrily. I'm sure if he could yank the locker off it's hinges and smash it on the floor he'd do it in a heartbeat. Or maybe hit me with it.
Since I just cost us the game.
“I don't know what happened,” I repeat.
Ian blinks at me. “You missed.”
I bristle and stand up to glare at Ian. “I fucking heard you the first four times, Ian.”
“Will someone just tell me what the hell happened?” Alex shoves my shoulder. “Is this how it's going to be? You get sidetracked by a girl and suddenly you can't play worth a damn?”
The Wrong Way: Hanson University: One Page 15