by Destiny, Sam
Holy shit, I was wrong.
Adorable wasn’t better than nice. It was worse.
KATIE
“Let’s take the baby wrap, okay?”
“I don’t need the fucking wrap. I’ll carry him,” Hayden snapped. Although I knew where his anger came from, I still winced.
“He’ll get heavy, Hay. You cannot carry him the whole time.”
He spun around, his dress shirt undone, his pants open and showcasing the V that would’ve made my mouth water before. Today, it just proved what a mess he was.
I wouldn’t have believed it, but it eased my mind. He’d been nothing more than a machine the last few days—getting up, feeding and changing Cory, cooking, making sure I was okay, going back to sleep. The biggest emotional rise I could get out of him was when Cory cried. Hayden would become soft, cooing, eventually smiling if he managed to calm the little man down. Still…
I knew denial was the first stage of grieving, anger the second, but so far, I’d seen neither in Hayden, just a bitter numbness.
I preferred his fury any day.
“I’ll show you that I can carry him the whole time,” he snapped, then went back to buttoning his shirt.
“Fine,” I replied angrily. “I won’t take him from you when he gets heavy.” I knew it was an empty threat.
Hayden just shrugged. “He’s my son. I can take care of him.”
I watched him in the mirror, watched how the buttons slipped from his fingers, almost as if the universe had decided to make his life a little more difficult today, but he didn’t give up. Face scrunched up, brows furrowed, lips drawn into a tight line, he kept trying, even though his hands shook.
I stepped around him, carefully taking his hands away. His dark eyes met mine, utter helplessness in his gaze.
“I can’t do this, Katie. I can’t do today,” he whispered. I shook my head, helping him button his shirt.
Any other day, the way my fingers brushed against his skin would make me warm. Today, though, I just wished I could take the pain away.
“I’ll be there the whole time. I promise. Sarah, Clare, your colleagues… Everybody will be there for you.” Even so, I knew the funeral would be horrible. “If you wanna go out with them afterward, I’ll be happy to watch Cory.”
He shook his head, a dark strand falling into his face. I reached out, cupping his cheek. He hadn’t taken much comfort from me as of yet, which broke my heart. I was practically living with him, but besides sharing a roof and baby duties, there wasn’t much else going on. He didn’t talk to me, didn’t tell me what he was thinking, didn’t ask anything of me, and when I tried to hug him, he evaded me.
The only thing he did regularly was kiss my forehead before he went to bed. I took it as the silent thank you that it was.
However, I craved him. Craved his brooding presence, his silent companionship, but didn’t know why. I’d been living on my own for close to ten years. Yes, I had a serious relationship or two, but those had never lasted longer than a few months, and I’d never stayed over.
Hayden rattled me in a way no one else ever had. The worst part was he wasn’t even trying.
“I’ll be coming home. Leah didn’t put my name down as the father so I could hand him off the first chance I got, Katie. I certainly wasn’t prepared for this, but I’ll try. Every day, I’ll try. For her. For him.”
Hayden was wrong. He kept pointing out how he didn’t know what he was doing with Cory, but I watched him. He was amazing. The way he held him, changed him, was attuned to him was unbelievable. For someone who’d become a father in one day, he did remarkably well.
Some people were born to be parents. I had a feeling Hayden was one of them.
I smiled softly. “I’m just saying, no one would blame you if you needed a beer after the service, okay?”
He surprised me by leaning in and kissing my forehead before drawing me into his arms, holding me tightly.
As if I needed comfort.
As if I were falling apart.
“I didn’t mean to yell at you, Kate. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve my anger,” he whispered into my ear.
I shook my head against his shoulder. “I’d rather have your anger than your silence. You need to cope, but you haven’t yet.”
He swallowed, squeezing me tighter. “I can’t. I… It cannot be true. Leah can’t be gone. She’s… I just can’t believe I won’t be able to call her to tell her I finally got you into my bed.”
I knew he was trying to be humorous, but all it did was cause tears to well up in my eyes. “You’ve tried before?”
He shrugged. “I’ve been eying you for months. Bright, ambitious, beautiful… Leah always told me to talk to you, but what exactly was I supposed to say? I could only think of cheap pickup lines, yet you deserved more.” He stepped back.
I waggled my brows, wanting to distract him for as long as I could. “Well, give me your best line.”
He smiled. “Hey, nurse, can you take care of a big problem I have?”
I let my eyes roam over him, my mouth watering. He looked delicious in dress pants and dress shirt. I cocked my head playfully.
“I don’t see any big problems,” I teased.
He reached for me in mock outrage, pulling my back against his front as I tried to escape. He tickled me, my sides hurting from laughing even while my nipples hardened. Jesus, it was totally inappropriate for me to get horny today of all days.
Luckily for Hayden, not for me, Cory woke and Hayden walked out of the room. I grabbed his jacket and his wine-red tie, then followed him, hoping we’d somehow manage to get through the day.
* * *
HAYDEN
One fucking moment…
I had one moment where everything was okay for a brief second, then Cory had cried and reminded me that we were getting ready for a funeral.
His mom’s funeral.
I cuddled him close and kissed his head while Katie held our umbrella as we stood at the gravesite. It was a day like you normally just saw in movies—dark clouds, thunder, lightning, and rivers of water running along the ground.
The grass squished under my feet as I shifted uneasily. Katie had suggested we arrive just before the funeral started, cutting it close in order to avoid Leah’s parents.
I was a mess, could barely think, and my heart seemed to be ready to stop beating.
I wasn’t nervous, wasn’t angry. I was broken. After I’d told Katie good night last night, I’d picked up my phone and called Leah, leaving a message about how Katie was better than I could’ve ever imagined, how she was so pretty… Halfway through, I’d realized Leah wouldn’t call me back.
I dropped my phone and had lain awake all night, staring at the ceiling, tears trickling out of the corners of my eyes.
“And, thus, we lay her to rest and allow her to walk in God’s grace forever and a day. May her son learn all about his mother from the day he’s old enough to understand.” The priest looked around, then nodded for the casket to be lowered into the ground.
“No!” The word was strangled, echoing with the raindrops. It took me a second to realize it was my voice. “No, Leah!” I fell to my knees as tears broke free, streaming down my cheeks and mixing with the rain. I pressed Cory against my chest. The truth was, I couldn’t think, couldn’t focus…
I simply couldn’t function anymore.
* * *
KATIE
“Hayden…” His name was nothing more than a whisper on my lips as I pushed the umbrella into the hand of whomever stood closest, then reached for the baby.
“Give him to me,” Sarah muttered. I glanced up, finding her and Knox standing next to us. I knew Sarah, a local police officer, because she was occasionally at the hospital with a prisoner, and Knox worked with Hayden. They were here for him, and I trusted her with Cory because if anyone knew how to handle him, it was her.
Hayden’s head was lowered, water dripping from his dark hair onto his now empty hands, almost as if he didn’t know
he no longer held the baby. I framed his face with my hands, wanting him to look at me, but he didn’t. He looked completely broken, his eyes empty as he cried, choking on sobs and whispering no over and over.
I had no idea if he was aware that he’d drawn the attention of the whole crowd, yet I couldn’t care less. It felt rude to tell the priest to continue, but I gestured at him anyway because I needed to be the only one focused on Hayden.
Jesus, can’t this damn rain stop for at least a minute?
“Hayden, look at me. We need to go. We’ll come back another time. Come on,” I whispered, his skin cold under my hands, but he didn’t react. Just blankly stared ahead, his teeth gritted, jaw working.
I crawled onto his lap, not caring that I was getting soaked, and wrapped my arms around his chest. It took a second before he reacted, then he placed his arms around me, holding tightly and lowering his head to my shoulder.
“She’s gone, Katie. The only best friend I’ve ever had is gone. I’ve known her all my life. She’s always been there every step of the way. Please, explain it to me,” he pleaded, but I couldn’t.
“How about we go?”
He shook his head against my shoulder. “I cannot walk away from her. I can’t leave her alone. I wasn’t there when I promised her I would be. Maybe everything would’ve been different. It’s my fault.”
I pulled back and grasped his cheeks to make him look at me. “God, Hay. No, it wasn’t. No one could’ve done anything. Listen to me. You need to get up.”
People started proceeding toward the grave to pay their last respects. As much as I wanted Hayden to have that closure, I didn’t think he could handle it right now.
“Get up,” I demanded, standing, but he didn’t budge.
“No…”
“Hayden, please. You have a son to take care of,” I reminded him. That finally seemed to get through to him. He blinked at me, then struggled to his feet, almost falling again. Dale, another colleague of his, and Knox were by his side instantly, steadying him.
I’d never been more grateful for people showing up as mere support as I was at that moment.
Sarah handed Cory back to me as we all made our way back to the car, Dale and Knox flanking Hayden, just in case. “Jesus, how can you stand seeing him like that, Katie? It shatters me, yet I’m not as close to him as you are.”
I started to reply when a woman hurried past us and grabbed Hayden’s jacket, pulling him back. I quickly handed the baby back to Sarah, hoping there wasn’t going to be trouble.
“You don’t get to leave, you filthy liar!” the woman screamed, beating against Hayden’s chest. It took a moment before he focused on her while we all stood around, frozen in shock.
“I’m not a liar,” he muttered, his voice gentle.
“You said you weren’t the father. You should’ve just married her, made a decent girl out of her, but no! You wanted to steal yourself away, didn’t you? You’re nothing but a pathetic excuse for a man!”
Leah’s mother. Has to be. I’d missed her in the hospital because she’d been led away before I’d joined the doctor at Leah’s side.
I reached for her. “Mrs. Wilson, I don’t think you should be—”
For someone who looked so fragile, she had a lot of strength when she pushed me away, catching me off-guard and causing me to stumble. My palms hit the wet pavement, pain radiating in my hands. When I lifted them, I saw stones embedded in my skin.
She stood over me, sneering. “Who in the world are you? His girlfriend? The reason he refused to admit that he’s Cory’s father? You’re no better than—”
“You should shut your mouth, and if you touch Katie one more time, I guarantee you’ll never see your grandson again.” Hayden’s voice, empty before, now sounded cold and hard, leaving no doubt he meant what he’d said.
He knelt in front of me, ignoring the raging woman behind him, taking my hands in his and gently brushing his thumbs over the scratches, making me wince. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. Let’s get you home and pick those stones out.”
He helped me up, tugging me into his side before he looked around and held his arm out for Cory. Smiling, Sarah placed him in the crock of his elbow. He gathered the boy close, pressing his lips to my forehead. When we reached the car, I opened the door so he could strap Cory in. Hayden and I were both soaked, but amazingly, Sarah had kept the boy dry and warm. I’d have to thank her for that.
We waved to Dale, Knox, Sarah, and Clare, then I turned the car back onto the road. Hayden grasped my fingers, being careful to stay away from my palm, but stayed silent. I wondered what to expect when we got back to his place.
* * *
HAYDEN
I placed Cory in his bed, making sure his diaper was dry, then slipped out of my wet clothes, showered, and put on fresh sweats and a t-shirt before taking my son back out of bed. He was awake and cooing softly, which made me smile.
Carrying him downstairs, I spotted Katie in the kitchen. I had taken care of her palms right after we got home, so her hands were bandaged. She was brewing something. I’d almost say tea, but I knew I didn’t have any. Or had we bought some when we went shopping that first night? She looked at me, as if expecting me to say something, but I didn’t know what.
Leah was gone, and it tore me apart. She’d been my second half for as long as I could remember.
“Did you love her?”
Katie’s words made me pause. I shifted Cory until he rested comfortably against my shoulder, then I turned back to her. “Love her?” I asked in a soft voice, then cleared my throat. “She was my best friend.”
“Yes, but…” She shrugged. “I don’t know, Hay. What happened earlier was intense.”
If I were being honest, I could hardly remember what had happened. The funeral was a blur. In fact, the whole day was.
Leah was in the ground, that much I knew, which meant she’d never come back. I had no idea how often I’d have to remind myself of that before it really settled in.
“No buts. Leah was my best friend. We’d been through the shitty teenage years together. She was what kept me in check. Did I want to hold her, kiss her, and get her naked?” I paused, looking inside myself again. I already knew the answer, though. “No, I didn’t. We tried that once. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t exactly pleasurable, either. Leah was the kind of friend you’d confide in when you had a wet dream.”
My throat closed. I exhaled slowly before licking my lips. “Whenever she had a new crush, we’d talk about him. We had no secrets. I knew which guys rocked in bed and which didn’t, and she knew which girls just pretended to be a prude but really weren’t. She was like a sister to me. And I mean that. I loved her, but not the way you think I did. If you don’t see that guys and girls can just be friends, I don’t know what to tell you.” I shook my head and stalked out of the kitchen.
“Hayden,” Katie called after me, but I didn’t stop, didn’t go back to her. Instead, I went into the living room and sat down on the couch, placing Cory on my lap.
How could a person be so tiny? To imagine he’d be as tall as me one day, grown up, probably a hit with the ladies—after all, I was going to raise him right—was crazy, nearly impossible.
His head turned red and he started to fuss. Lifting him up again, I sniffed him.
Nope.
Next, I held the knuckle of my little finger between his lips and he instantly started sucking.
Hungry.
Placing him against my shoulder, I walked back into the kitchen, glad when I found it empty. As much as Katie’s presence was soothing, most of the time, I needed to do this alone.
Cory was my responsibility, no one else’s. I found the formula and a bottle. As much as I had trouble opening everything with him in my arms, I eventually had the bottle filled with water and placed it in the bottle heater. Once I thought it was the right temperature, I put in the formula, closed the bottle, and shook it until everything had dissolved and incorporated.
> Placing Cory in the crock of my arm, I held the bottle to his lips and watched as he drank.
This was easy. I could do this. I could focus on him and not think of anything else. Watch him, change him, feed him… I could do all that.
But what would I do when he was sleeping?
Well, I could always take a walk with him. Kids needed a lot of fresh air, right? I thought I remembered hearing something like that.
I scent of vanilla hit my nose and I looked up, finding a freshly showered Katie standing in the kitchen doorway.
Her eyes were weary. I knew my harshness earlier had hurt her, but I didn’t see any reason to apologize. Instead, I focused back on Cory.
“I got it, Katie. I’ll manage. You can go home. I appreciate your help, but I don’t think I need it any longer.”
In fact, I felt the need to get her out of my house. She was a constant reminder of the fact that Leah was gone.
She stepped closer. “I think you do,” she said carefully.
I glared at her. “You don’t know me, Katie. You don’t know anything about me, and you proved earlier that you don’t know anything about Leah and me, either, so don’t pretend. You have no idea what I do and don’t need. I appreciate all you’ve done, but I don’t need you in the house another minute.”
“Hayden—”
“I’m his fucking father and can take care of him!” I roared, causing Cory to jump. Instantly, I lowered my voice. “I don’t need anyone. I don’t need you, or his grandmother, or anyone else. Unless you can bring Leah back, you can just leave.”
She closed her eyes, not moving. I gritted my teeth when Cory started whimpering. “It’s okay, little man. I’m sorry. Daddy isn’t mad at you. Daddy’s just mad at the world…and the woman who just doesn’t understand she needs to leave.” I cooed at him until he eventually calmed down again.
“It’s the grief talking,” Katie finally said. I glanced at her, seeing silent tears on her cheeks. I lowered my eyes back to my son.