by Destiny, Sam
HAYDEN
She was consuming me, and I didn’t mind. I knew this wasn’t the right way, that Katie deserved so much more than being my anchor, but things were the way they were right now.
When her hands went under my shirt, I pulled back just enough for her to pull it over my head and ditch it to the floor, then my lips were back on hers. I lifted her, and she wrapped her legs around me.
I sat down on the couch with her in my lap and held her tightly. I didn’t want to stop kissing her, holding her close, because for a few precious minutes, my mind was calm.
For a few minutes, I didn’t miss Leah.
For a few minutes, I didn’t hate her for leaving me with a baby.
For a few minutes, I didn’t feel guilty about not being the man everyone thought me to me.
The universe obviously decided I didn’t deserve the reprieve because the baby monitor crackled to life and Cory’s whimpering could be heard.
“I need to check on him,” I whispered, but Katie shook her head.
“Give him a few minutes. Sometimes they fall right back to sleep. If you jump every time he makes a sound, he’ll get used to it and—”
I arched a brow. “I can handle him. I’m pretty sure he has nightmares. You should watch him sleep. It’s not peaceful.”
She swallowed. “Science isn’t sure babies can even have nightmares, Hayden. They are a mash-up of memories and experiences, and although it’s thought babies might have memories from the womb, I—”
“He was with Leah for nine months, but she’s no longer there. All he has is me. Someone who’s rougher, more clumsy, and more inexperienced than his mother. I wasn’t ready for this, yet he’s the one suffering for it. I’m pretty sure he can have nightmares,” I insisted, shifting until Katie finally stood.
She had her hands on her hips, her expression stern. I knew she was going to lecture me.
Not that I needed it. I did enough of that myself.
“You—”
“Yes, me. I’m going to check on Cory.”
With that, I stood and left her standing in the living room. I knew it was rude, that I should’ve said something, but I didn’t need to hear what I was doing wrong, that my mindset wasn’t ideal to raise an infant.
I didn’t know what I was doing, but Cory was still alive, and there were days he even chuckled and babbled. He was growing. I never thought it possible, but he was.
Cory’s whimpering had turned into full-blown crying by the time I got to his room. I picked him up, surprised when he instantly started to calm.
“Hey, buddy. I get it,” I whispered. “I’m lonely, too. Do you miss her like I miss her?”
Talking to Cory always helped him fall back to sleep, but it also helped me sort out my thoughts. He didn’t know what I talked about, and I got it all out without being judged.
He snuggled against my chest, sighing. I smiled at the sound.
“I wish I knew how to make things right with Katie, but I can’t. I’m a f—” I stopped, looking down at him. “I’m messed up, and if it weren’t for you, I probably would’ve already torn this whole house apart. I’m sorry. Your mother thought she did the best for you when she left you with me.” I sat on the bed. “She was wrong, Cory. You don’t know it yet, but she was so wrong. I never thought about being a father. Hell, I had only just started considering settling down, if I could ever be brave enough to ask Katie out. She’s one to keep, you know? Remember that. You need a woman like her.”
I held him closer, resting my lips against the top of his small head. “I watched her in bars and heard others talking about her. People love and admire her. She’s always there when you need her. Like she is now…and I don’t deserve it. Never have, probably never will. I’m bad for her, Cory. I’m too furious at the world, too angry, too rough—too selfish. Honestly… I should have given you to your grandparents. They raised a child. A great one. They’d know what to do, but no. I’m too fucking—” I cringed. “Sorry…selfish to give you up. You’re my son now. You make me get up in the morning. You make me stay awake, you make me want to…get through this.”
I swallowed, hating myself for being such a pussy. I should be doing all those things on my own. I should be wanting to live my life right because Leah no longer could.
We hadn’t been lovers, but I’d trusted her with everything, and she’d kept my anger issues in check.
“You know, when I met your mom the first time, I was fighting somebody on the playground. She rolled her eyes and told me she hated bullies. After that, we got close. She kept me in line. Sometimes I’d slip, but she’d reel me right back in. She showed me how to be a better man, and I knew I needed to be; otherwise, I’d end up in prison…or worse. I don’t want you to get into trouble just because I always did, right?”
Hearing his steady breathing, I stood and laid Cory on the mattress, watching him for a long moment. I felt protective of him, but more often than not didn’t have the slightest idea if I was doing tings right. Jesus, babies were too fragile in my mind.
“Who will make sure I’m the best man I can be now?” I whispered.
I felt lost, but luckily, my son wouldn’t know or remember that. However, I sure as hell hoped I’d get my act together before he was old enough to see what a screw-up I was.
* * *
KATIE
I’d heard every word, every emotion in his voice, and tears streamed down my face.
I wondered if he knew that the only person who could pull himself out of this, could make him a better man, was himself.
God, if only we could have started a relationship before all of this. If only I’d have spoken to him one of the million times I’d seen him at a bar and had wondered if he’d take me home. If only…
I knew what ifs wouldn’t make this better, wouldn’t change it.
As I sat on the sofa, I wondered if I should leave. Not only was he in over his head, so was I.
HAYDEN
Who knew cleaning actually gave you peace of mind.
Or maybe it was just me. I didn’t know, and I didn’t really care. It was Saturday. I’d been back at work for a few days, glad to have the familiar routine. While my colleagues called me an ass most of the time, because I was, they were still supportive as hell, which eased some of the pressure on my chest.
Katie was still a constant in my life, but I hadn’t kissed her again. In fact, we were now more like acquaintances than friends. It was polite between us, almost stiff, but I didn’t know why.
I was also too afraid to ask, worried she’d leave completely.
October was quickly becoming chilly, yet I had the windows in the house wide open, letting in the fresh hair, hoping to dissipate the smell of the cleaning products. I hated them, although they weren’t bad. It was just something I couldn’t stand.
Probably another reason I hardly ever cleaned as thoroughly as I was today.
Katie had taken Cory for a walk. Maybe I should’ve accompanied them, but I realized it was easy for me to pretend this was how my life was supposed to be—Katie, Cory, and me.
“Hayden.”
I spun, seeing Knox standing in my doorway.
He grinned at me. “Leaving the door open so people can come in to watch you clean?”
I smirked. “No. I left it open in the hopes that someone would come in and do this shit for me. What’s up?”
We didn’t do social calls, so I worried something was wrong at home.
He forced his hands into his back pockets, looking a little uneasy. “I just saw Katie and Cory outside. He sure is turning into a handsome boy.”
I nodded, my grin fading. “Yeah, not my doing. The only thing he has from me is my tempter. I think he’s started picking that up.” Knox nodded. I cocked my head, crossing my arms. “Okay. What?”
He seemed to think a moment, then rubbed the back of his neck. “Can we sit?”
I gestured to the living room and he sat on the couch. I leaned against the window, not wanting t
o sit. That would just make me even more restless.
The silence made me antsy, but I figured Knox would start talking whenever he was ready—and I would be a decent guy for once and not push.
“Katie says you’re not talking.”
We were talking plenty, but I knew exactly what he referred to. “There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied, hoping this discussion was over, but I should’ve known better.
“Yes, there is. How are you doing, Hayden? Really doing? Angry? Hurt? Numb?”
I raised my brows. “Have we grown vaginas overnight? Doing girl talk?” I’d hoped to get him to grin. Didn’t work.
He shook his head. “I don’t fucking care. You need to talk about it or it’ll kill you, eat you up from the inside. Scream at me if you want. Hell, we can throw some punches if you need to, but do something. Show some emotion.”
I gritted my teeth, wondering which insult I should give him, but I just shook my head. “I talk to someone. I’m good.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Cory isn’t someone. Talk to someone who tells you to pull your head out of your ass, grieve, then start to heal. No one expects you to get over the death of your best friend today, or next month, or even a year from now, but we expect you to live.”
I spread my arms. “I’m standing, breathing, and talking. I cleaned and put food in the oven. What more do you want?”
“Talk about it. Talk about hurting. Talk about being furious. Talk to someone who listens, who hugs you, who exchanges punches with you. Would you feel better if we went to the gym and boxed a few rounds? Get your anger out that way? Because you must be angry. Hell, I was when I first had Callum, too.”
Callum was his teenage son, and although I knew a little bit about Knox, I couldn’t see him being an angry guy. In fact, he was a decent one, polite and helpful at all times.
Finally, I walked over and sat next to him. I expected fury to engulf me, but it didn’t. Exhaustion spreading in my body, I sighed. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m glad Katie forced me to get back into a routine. Going to work and being around you guys makes things…bearable.”
Knox grinned. “Makes you feel like a man again instead of a feeding station, doesn’t it?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. I forgot you went through this, too. At least you were prepared before Callum was born.”
He chuckled darkly. “You think anyone is really prepared? Seriously? I think even parents who are married totally aren’t prepared for what’s coming with a baby. However, I chose to have Callum. You were thrown into this. Do you…” He hesitated. “Do you regret it?”
“I thought I would, but no, I don’t. I never thought about having children, but… I don’t regret having him. I do regret not being good enough to deserve him.”
Okay, maybe this whole sharing thing wasn’t good after all because saying those words to a grown man just felt absolutely and utterly wrong.
They also made me feel as if I had failed my son on the most basic level, and I didn’t even know why.
* * *
KATIE
Fall was my favorite season, always had been, yet I couldn’t help noticing how it felt different when you sat on a park bench with an infant while women walking by gave you happy smiles.
Some came over to talk to me, asking about Cory, his age, and everything else you could possibly want to know about him.
I knew most of the faces from the hospital, but didn’t remember names. In fact, I remembered some of the children playing in the playground across from where I sat. I could recall the conditions they’d been in right after being born, but their mothers? I knew the faces, knew which one had needed emergency surgery after giving birth, but I could not place a single name with them.
I thought I was part of the community. That I was a good nurse, treating her patients like human beings, not numbers. I realized I wasn’t.
“How are you, Katie?”
A woman walked over, her son, probably around six or seven, running off to the playground. His mother sat down next to me. I knew her, knew she had twins, the girl not surviving. I remember the girl’s name was supposed to be Grace. I still saw her tiny, blue body, having choked on amniotic fluid before ever leaving her mother’s womb. The woman had been inconsolable, and I remember telling her she had a son she needed to focus on. I’d sat with her for hours, saw her for days afterward—yet I could not, for the life of me, remember her name.
She must’ve seen something on my face because she smiled softly. “Maureen. My name’s Maureen.”
I nodded. “Maureen… I’m sorry. I couldn’t put a name with the face.”
She focused on the playground, and I followed her gaze. “You probably don’t remember, but I had twins,” she started. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn’t a complete idiot.
“Grace died because of the fluid in her lungs. I remember,” I explained softly.
At her silence, I turned to look at her, seeing her staring at me, an expression of disbelief on her face.
“I cannot believe that,” she muttered, outrage ringing out loud and clear. “I mean, I was perfectly fine with you not remembering me because of how many women you must see on a daily basis, but this? You can remember my daughter’s name, although you only spent all of ten minutes with her, but you cannot recall my freaking name? Are you for real? Is it just my child you remember, or all the dead ones?”
Confused, I shook my head. “I-I… Not just yours, and not just the dead ones. There are others—”
She smirked, cutting me off. “You know, I came here to thank you. You were my salvation in the days afterward. You made me see that I needed to take care of my son while I grieved my daughter. No one else could make me see that, but you did. I was impressed. You were so sweet. Was it like that already back then? You didn’t recall my name but knew my daughter’s?”
Most likely, but I didn’t say that out loud. I probably checked the name by the door each time I entered, but there was no use in angering her further, so I stayed silent.
“I cannot believe you.”
She stood and walked away, joining a group of mothers on the other side of the playground. Forcing myself not to cry, I put Cory back into his stroller.
I couldn’t change the way my brain stored things, couldn’t decide what I remembered and what I didn’t. The walk back to Hayden’s place suddenly seemed endless, and I nearly sobbed in relief when his house came into view. I wanted nothing more than to hand over Cory, go home, and open a bottle of wine—the biggest one I could find.
I rang the doorbell, although I had a key, and Hayden opened it not five seconds later, as if he’d been anxiously waiting for his son to return.
“Hey, Katie,” he greeted me. He unbuckled Cory and picked him up, then walked toward the kitchen, as if excepting me to follow.
“I’m going home, Hayden,” I called after him. “I’ll come by tomorrow, okay?” I worked hard to not let my voice break.
“I made dinner. Come on. Stay a little longer,” Hayden replied loud enough for me to hear.
“I’m not really hungry. I…” My heart raced. I knew I was going to burst into tears any second.
As if he could feel it, Hayden walked back, his hands empty. “What’s going on? You sound off.”
Instead of replying, I asked, “Where’s Cory?”
“In the car seat on the kitchen table. Katie? Tell me what’s going on.”
He reached for me, but I swatted his hands away. I couldn’t handle the concern in his eyes, the softness in his expression.
God, I didn’t know why I was so incredibly emotional right now, but I realized if Hayden touched me, I’d probably shatter into a million pieces. Although I might be put back together, I’d never be the same again.
* * *
HAYDEN
I knew something was wrong the moment they entered. I saw it on her face, but it hadn’t registered until she’d refused to stay for dinner. She usually stuck around, which I was grateful for.
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However, I didn’t need her for me right now. I needed her around because it was what she needed.
Reaching for her again, I didn’t let her avoid my touch this time, cupping her cheek. It was cold from the crisp air outside, and I was glad I’d closed the windows earlier to get some warmth back into the house.
“Katie, talk to me.” I knew I was the last one to push, but my worry over her kicked in tenfold, nearly knocking the breath out of me—especially when she gasped, reaching for my arm as if she were going to collapse.
What in the world could have possibly happened?
She shook out of her jacket, her breath jagged. I framed her face with my hands to make her meet my eyes. She was white as a sheet, which terrified me.
“Jesus, woman. Talk to me. What in the world is wrong?”
She kicked off her shoes, holding my gaze, then she licked her lips, but only sobs came out.
Kill me now.
I couldn’t handle her pain. Tears, fat and taunting, streamed down her cheeks. I drew her into my arms, kissing the top of her head as she trembled under my hands.
“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay, Katie,” I assured her, wondering what I could possibly say when I didn’t even know what was wrong. “We’ll solve it. We’ll make it right. I promise.”
I squeezed her tighter, but she didn’t calm down. I just knew I wouldn’t let her go. No matter what, I’d get her to stay because she was too upset to be alone.
“Come on, Katie. I need to feed Cory, then we’ll get him ready for bed, okay?” Maybe focusing on him would calm her down enough to talk.
It always worked for me.
Problem was, her legs didn’t seem to work. Her sobs had calmed, but her body was still shaking.
“I’m a horrible person,” she whispered.
“What?” I wasn’t sure I heard her right. She pulled back to look at me, her hazel eyes puffy.
“I’m the worst person in the world. Every woman on that playground hates me now, Hayden. I’m a terrible person.” It was the last thing I expected her to say.