Drug or alcohol abuse
His behavior; e.g., changes in the way he acts, talks, and smells. Keep an eye out for mystery expenses, shady excuses, and, if you’re really hungry for proof, empty bottles or full baggies squirreled away in his home.
He’s got an actual medical condition that explains what you’ve noticed, such as a neurological condition or low blood sugar. Or he’s got a bona fide addiction, but he’s aware that it’s a problem and you’ve got good reason to believe he’s committed to, and starting to benefit from, treatment.
Addiction, lies, and pleas for understanding and forgiveness, especially for all that money he stole from you and for giving you HPV that he must’ve gotten from a fellow crack enthusiast.
Other asshole behavior
In restaurants, specifically, how he treats waitstaff, bartenders, or anyone in the service industry. Always goes after what he wants, whether or not it’s good for him, you, or anyone else.
Knows he can be a jerk, especially when he’s tired and the cuisine is vegetarian. Ultimately, however, he doesn’t just apologize but actually tries to do better.
Blames the waiter for being slow, you for making an issue of it and not taking his side, and the Lord for making him the last righteous man in a world gone mad (aside from his actual lord and savior, Donald Trump).
Where or to Whom Our Map Leads
Even if we thought it was worth searching for a partner based on how many butterflies he filled your stomach with—a change of heart that could only be caused for us by a major stroke—we all know that the butterfly stage of relationships doesn’t, and can’t, last. Anybody who can stay utterly giddy about any one thing over several decades is either a goldfish or has had several strokes himself.
It’s not that love and romance aren’t supposed to be an important, enjoyable part of the search, but since neither is that important in the day-to-day function of a successful marriage, and since we believe that defective partnership, not failed romance, is the chief cause of divorce, the relationship this book should help you find will be more about reliability than romance, more about trust than lust.
Our approach is meant to help you find someone you may not be romantically interested in one day—because her personality could be flattened by a severe depression, or his beauty may be damaged by age or illness, or a flood or bankruptcy or responsibility for a demented parent hasn’t just drained the joy from your life but the blood from your genitals—but with whom, even after being hit with a shitload of bad luck, you share an interest in each other’s company, an unbreakable trust, and many good laughs about every shitty thing you’ve been through. A strong partnership isn’t about eternal love but an external support system with which you can survive all manner of bullshit.
When decent people with compatible values spend a life together and build something that is good and greater than themselves, they usually wind up loving one another deeply and enhancing each other’s sense of safety, contentment, and trust. It doesn’t sound as sexy as the promise of fairy-tale romance, but if there’s anything less sexy than a successful long-term relationship—in which both parties have washed each other’s dirty underwear, cleaned up baby puke, and seen more galling tantrums than they’d want to count—we’re not sure what it is.
If you’re unsure if marriage is the right goal for you or are even panicking because you worry it will never happen, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to remain unhitched and that living with the wrong spouse is much worse than living alone with just the right number of friends to have your back. Everybody has her own needs, tastes, and standards, and it’s important to determine accordingly what’s best for you, regardless of what cultural stigma, family pressure, or your wish to get a set of fancy plates without paying for it are telling you about what the best choice is, period.
Think hard about your criteria for what you want in a partner or friend and stick to those criteria no matter how long, lonely, and infuriating the search can be. If marriage is what you want, particularly as a way to start a family, then your criteria must be more selective and exacting, but your expectations must remain reasonable, since all you can do is conduct a good search and make the best of your luck. Letting neediness or an overdetermination to get married force you into relationships that don’t meet your basic standards is a good way to ruin your life.
Don’t feel obliged to know whether you want to pursue marriage. Yes, it’s important to think hard about whether marriage is the right goal for you, but it’s also important to realize that you can’t predict what your needs, romantic opportunities, or general mind-set might be in the future.
Don’t begin your search by deciding resolutely that marriage is either right for you or something you’d die to avoid. Instead, learn what’s important to you, not just in a partner, but in your own future, regardless of the pressures that come from your friends, family, and the white-dress industry. Even if you believe marriage isn’t for you, you should always leave yourself open to the possibility of a plan B while knowing that you’re perfectly happy with your plan A (lone).
Most important, whether or not you end up getting hitched, remember that the only person you’re obliged to spend your entire life with is you, so if one of the major motivations for finding someone is so you can be with yourself less, then you need to adjust your mind-set. You don’t need to love yourself to love somebody else (please forgive us, Lord Ru), but you do need to want a partnership that is beneficial to each other’s growth and character, not just a self-serving distraction from your loneliness and self-loathing. Essentially, the best reason to invest in any relationship is because you believe it will make both your lives better; if it doesn’t, then you’re better off being alone.
Do You Have the Marriage Mind-Set?
A lot of factors go into deciding whether to commit to someone that have nothing to do with how much two people love each other or how much he spent on a clear pebble. Here are some of those factors that determine whether marriage is a smart goal and high priority, not really necessary, or the object of so many intense needs that it should be reconsidered after breathing into a bag and thinking about the future, not through a cloud of fear.
* * *
Ready to Make Marriage a Top Priority
Comfortable with Marriage as a Medium Priority
Prioritizing Marriage Panic over Rational Thought
Kids
You want kids, but know you don’t have the temperament, finances, or family support to do it on your own, so partnership is a necessary beginning if you want a family.
You’re unsure about wanting kids, but are willing to do the preparation (saving money, freezing eggs, soliciting willing gays) to have one of your own one day if you decide you need a kid in your life.
You’re not sure you want kids, but are just terrified of missing the boat and filling your bottomless regret with cats, bitterness, and a long, lonely, cliché-filled march to the grave.
Money
Even by working hard and developing your skills, you don’t have enough money for the lifestyle and security you think are important. You’re independent, but partnership would make a big difference.
You have enough money to support yourself and are comfortable living a modest lifestyle, which is the most prudent way to live on your salary, since you value your independence.
You think you make enough money, but looking at your bank statements gives you hives and makes you long for a spouse who could just take care of you.
Companionship
You’ve never liked being alone, but you’ve learned to do it well as a way of avoiding dangerous compromises with partners from hell. You’ll be happy when you can hang out with a steady roommate and worry less about your social calendar.
You enjoy the company of friends, but like periods of quiet solitude even more and are perfectly happy to spend time alone, watching TV in your apartment, reading in a bar, or carving chain-saw sculptures in a remote cabin.
You’re convinced you may be the world’s first FOMO fatality; you hate the feeling of being alone, being left out, and generally missing out on the kind of fun you have with others (which is the only kind of fun).
Sex
You’re finished with experiments, conquests, and enforced celibacy and appreciate comfort, familiarity, reliability, and wanting to be together regardless.
For any variety of reasons—a less active libido, or the ability to store up the benefits of intimacy gathered from random hookups like a sex camel—you’re comfortable not having sex frequently, consistently, or not anonymously.
You need to lock someone down now so you won’t have to worry about the years when you’re so fat, old, and bald or as hairy as a Market Street bear that your genitals will fall off from disuse. Plus, the second you’re hitched, you can relax and start eating bread again.
Support
You know your weak spots and could use a trusted adviser/supervisor/friend to remind you that you’re not so bad when the negative thoughts start to seem real.
You don’t need a lot of reassurance to make decisions or deal with everyday hassles; if anything, you prefer to decompress and think through problems by yourself.
You fall apart without your friends, but your friends are all pairing off and getting married, and you do not want to be the cheese that stands alone (or even eat cheese; see above).
So for now, whether or not you’ve got marriage in mind, use the advice in this book to find just the kind of person you need, and forget those dates who fall short, taking it day by day, dinner by dinner, and, alas, jerk by jerk. If you’re on board with this book’s businesslike approach, it’s time to get down to business and approach your search. Be smart, make thoughtful decisions, and don’t let any emotion, be it love or fear, have too much influence over your quest for better relationships, a possible partner, and a plan for your future.
Chapter 1
F*ck Charisma
Unlike other attractive superficial qualities—looks, finances, a handbag so exclusive it has a first name—charisma can’t be faked or procured. As appealing traits go, it’s a double whammy because it’s not just inherently ingratiating, but, like blond hair or a high metabolism, it’s a genetic gift; true charismatics are born, not made, and they possess the kind of magnetic charm that makes everybody like them and want to believe everything they say, no matter how high the bullshit quotient. That a charismatic person makes us feel good on so many levels, however, is a sign that he’s not necessarily good to build a life with.
Charisma is even more effective than other superficial qualities at drawing you to people who, were they slightly less charming, you’d quickly realize were human plague. Charisma can blind you to character traits you need to be looking at and compromise your future, safety, and common sense. On the other hand, being attracted to someone who’s totally uncharismatic is about as likely as having a crush on a floor lamp.
You’re most susceptible to charismatic relationships if you feel bored with life and unhappy with yourself, e.g., when you’re broke and lonely, unhappy at work, or generally feeling useless, unattractive, and miserable. That’s when contact with charisma promises to lift you out of the doldrums and imbue your life with excitement that would otherwise never happen.
Unfortunately, most of us are unhappy or bored at some time in our lives. What makes us particularly vulnerable to the seduction of charisma is the feeling that, just because we can’t make our lives better and more interesting, we’re failures. That’s when secondhand charisma feels like a magic power that can transform us from losers to winners, from unlovable to the most beloved, special creatures in the world.
Ironically, thinking your charisma makes you special is just as dangerous. You’d think you’d love your charismatic self and its ability to get dates, above-your-true-ability job opportunities, and every last call returned. After the excitement passes, however, you’re left with a job or relationship that, for various reasons, may not work and is often boring. Since you need to generate excitement to feel like a success, you always have to move on, often leaving in your wake a lot of people who feel angry and betrayed.
Charisma is inherently magnetic, but just when it seems to draw you into a deeper connection, it’s most likely to pull you under, blinding you to what’s going to happen next or addicting you to searches that lead nowhere.
The Good Things You Want Charisma to Deliver
• A feeling of significance in everything you’re saying and doing with this magical significant someone.
• A sense of confidence that allows you to approach people so easily you’re basically “the human whisperer.”
• A glow from feeling that a fascinating person finds you fascinating and everyone else in the room is total bullshit.
• A relief from the way you hated yourself and your life before this person made you and your life seem downright lovable.
• A confidence that comes from knowing you’re with the right person, in the right place, and all is right with the world.
Profile of the Charismatic
Traits associated with people seen as charismatics include:
• Physical attributes: Expert at knowing just how to approach you, smile at you, lock eyes with you, and “accidentally” touch you to convey confidence and connection, regardless of how they actually feel about themselves, you, or anything else.
• Common occupations: Those that turn connection and respect into money, such as preaching, litigating, politicking, acting, and big-ticket selling (mansions, boats, huge yachts that are actually mansion-boats, etc.).
• What attracts you first: Some intangible quality that commands your attention for reasons that aren’t clear, i.e., isn’t based on attractiveness, intelligence, or anything short of hypnotism.
• Other early red flags: Your inability to put your finger on what you like about him, aside from his ability to make a strong impression; basically, in describing this person, you sound as if you’re talking about a delightful new street drug instead of a human, and other people in his orbit seem to agree.
Seeking Charisma
Charisma seems like an ideal quality for drawing people together since it inspires attraction and respect and has more to do with personality than beauty or wealth. It protects one from the pain of rejection and the embarrassment of bombing at dinner parties. While charisma might be less superficial than some traits, it still exists fairly close to the surface; charisma has nothing to do with character, reliability, or impulse management, and it’s less than ideal for predicting reliability, fidelity, and a capacity for hard work. Being charmed can give you fuzzy feelings for someone; it can also give you the wrong idea about the person you think you should be with.
Here are three examples:
• I have a friend at work who’s got a magnetic personality and I enjoy talking to her, but I never know whether she really likes me or is just being her usual attractive self. I always get the feeling when we’re talking that I’m special to her, but she sounds like that with other people, too, and I don’t want to make a move at work that could then make things embarrassing. My goal is to figure out whether her feelings for me are special, or whether she’s naturally magnetic and I’m just part of her entourage.
• My boyfriend is tremendously attractive, and I know he loves me, but he also loves attention, and I think he has trouble saying no to at least some of his many female fans. He’s a great salesman, which means he’s such a great bullshitter that he’s good at bull-shitting himself. My goal is to figure out whether he’s capable of a committed relationship.
• People love my girlfriend because she’s totally spontaneous and fun to be with, but I see the other side, which is that she’s also sometimes angry and mistrustful, and that’s when I wonder what our relationship would be like if we got serious. My goal is to help her get over her insecurities, so she can be the happy, charming person we all love.
Charisma seems like a
desirable asset in a long-term relationship because it doesn’t wear out or depend on looks or money; after all, ’tis nobler to choose someone with a good personality over good cheekbones or a good investment portfolio. Unfortunately, having a good personality and just being good at attracting people are rarely the same thing.
One problem with seeking a relationship with a charismatic person is that it’s often hard to tell whether she likes you as much as she seems to and, at the crush stage, whether your first overtures will be accepted or rejected. The real issue, however, is not whether you may suffer a little humiliation when you discover that the intense interest, intimate conversation, and love-song-strength eye contact don’t really reflect more than your crush’s desire to captivate. It’s that, even if she is interested, she may never belong to you as much as she belongs to her public.
So instead of trying to figure out whether this woman is actually interested in you or is this way with everyone, take a moment to determine whether she’s actually worth pursuing in the first place, since a relationship with her is bound to make you feel neglected, insecure, and possibly angry and jealous. You may find that it would be better to keep her as a friend you can harmlessly flirt with while looking for someone else more meaningful, even if that someone is less magnetic.
Indeed, a charismatic partner may always make you feel unsure about how much she actually cares, so once you notice her using her charm on anyone or anything that’s currently holding her attention, you start to wonder who’s most-est special to her, or whether anyone is. You’re right, then, to put on the brakes until you can watch her behavior, gather information about her past relationships, and verify her ability to treat those who are truly close, such as you, with genuine specialness and in a way that lasts.
If you’re dating someone who depends on charisma to feel good, as well as to make a living, as do many salespeople, you have additional reason to worry. His manager, ego, and income tell him that he’s respected for his excellent ability to seduce new sales. Unless he is grounded in better values, however, and can tolerate the inevitable “chopped liver” feeling that burdens even the best of partnerships, your relationship may not endure. At the least, those eventual feelings of neglect may fuel a strong need to seek admiration and conquest (those usually come by not being sexually neglected by someone else).
F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship Page 2