F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

by Bennett, MD, Michael

  3. Consider and list the assets you offer a partnership: For this purpose, ignore superficial qualities, such as physical attractiveness and size of sneaker collection, and emphasize the Jane Austen–esque, bottom-line attributes such as financial security, honesty, and a willingness to work hard. Think of your assets in the same way as you would those of a prospective partner; if you don’t want to look for a life partner based on their fancy footwear, then putting your best metaphorical foot forward has more to do with who you are than what you have.

  4. Put it in writing: Prepare a statement describing what you offer and what you’re after, as well as a list of the questions you want answered. You don’t need to read it to prospective dates verbatim, but you can’t let a desire to appear attractive and chill get in the way of your laying things out, so prepare as you would before a job interview of someone you want to hire. The idea isn’t to force you to ask intrusive questions instead of having a normal conversation, but to keep your mind on the information you’re trying to gather and convey, tactfully, while not being distracted by other things. The more businesslike you are, the more effectively you’ll screen out socializers and hookup artists.

  5. Don’t meet with anyone you haven’t vetted first: Until you’ve done screening by email, text, phone, and/or second opinion, don’t meet up and risk wasting your time. You can usually screen effectively for intelligence and sincerity if you don’t try too hard to be funny and entertaining as you’re doing it. Use a friend or a therapist as a coach to help you make contacts selective, brief, and efficient. If you see too many people for too long, you’ll burn out. Don’t meet until you’ve done good screening, and don’t continue to meet if you encounter a red flag. Your job isn’t to figure out why something isn’t working, but to protect yourself and your time by quickly ditching bad dates and using the experience to choose better candidates next time and keep burnout at bay.

  Chapter 5

  F*ck a Sense of Humor

  In most close relationships, be they friendships or romantic partnerships, the key moments that bond us are when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable together. That can mean helping each other through a painful rejection or illness, but it can also mean sharing a massive, pants-peeing laugh that is totally unfunny to everyone else.

  Aside from the possibility of incontinence, being funny or amused might not seem like vulnerability, but cracking a joke or letting out a loud guffaw does require a bit of bravery, especially in front of someone you’re attracted to (even if you don’t have a strange sense of humor or a laugh that sounds like a donkey having an asthma attack). That’s why humor always seems like a positive force for forming, finding, or sustaining relationships.

  When people first meet, laughter is an especially effective tool for creating bonds; it makes us more attractive to each other while lowering barriers to talking and getting to know each other. It’s the sign of a good beginning, and as a relationship progresses, the amount of laughter seems like a reliable measure of how well a relationship is doing.

  After all, a shared sense of humor isn’t just a sign of compatibility or of sharing a common point of view, but of being able to take pleasure in life’s inconsistencies rather than turning them into rage and resentment. Humor implies a perspective that reduces competitiveness, anxiety, and hostility. It takes the edge off forces that make us wary, reactive, and ready to fight without thinking twice about what we’re doing.

  A high laughter quotient in a relationship indicates a strong ability to enjoy life and each other’s company. It tends to spread and get other people to laugh and feel better. Laughter’s even supposed to be good for your health. As positive human qualities go, a sense of humor can seem like fish oil, kale, and spin class combined.

  There’s no guarantee, however, that humor is always friendly or won’t be used as a weapon to mock and belittle. Certain people who make us laugh are entertaining, but can be too sarcastic to relax with or welcome as friends. Humor sometimes can and should make us wary about potential relationships.

  Even so, we seldom doubt our ability to recognize humor that is friendly, as well as clever, warm, and safe. Thus it draws us into new relationships and shapes our perception of old ones. It takes an effort, however, to remember that humor can be manufactured and is usually a form of communication, not a cure to all that ails you or a way to judge a person overall. Someone who can make you laugh isn’t necessarily reliable or honest, just entertaining and able to make you feel good, which can distract you from your job of figuring out who a person really is. Just because someone has a good sense of humor doesn’t mean he or she is a good partner, or even a good person.

  So, as strong as the bonds formed by laughter can be, don’t let them bind you to someone who’s good for a laugh but terrible as a spouse. Don’t let it distract you from getting to know people by their actions, not by their jokes, because as risky as it can be to be funny, humor’s sometimes used to avoid the greater risk of showing one’s true self.

  The Good Things You Want Humor to Deliver

  • A pleasurable connection with someone who is entertaining and interested in entertaining you, as if you were living in your own private Branson, Missouri.

  • An antidote to shyness, awkwardness, and wishing you were dead when you’re trying to chat someone up.

  • A sense of intimacy from finding you’re annoyed by the same things and people and can laugh over your shared hatred and bitterness.

  • A sense of closeness when you’re feeling alienated, misunderstood, or shat on and laughed at.

  • An answer to the anxiety of becoming vulnerable with someone you don’t yet know that doesn’t involve alcohol or being born-again.

  Profile of the Joker

  Here is a list of traits associated with someone with a killer sense of humor:

  • Physical attributes: While not necessarily covered in clown paint, a joker seems to relish looking unconventional, either by trying too hard (from Hawaiian shirt to wrestling singlet) or not trying even the smallest bit (hasn’t updated the ol’ wardrobe since high school or even washed the prom puke off his jeans). He’s generally unafraid to accentuate whatever is particularly different or conventionally ugly.

  • Common occupations: Those that can divert suspicious, tired, unhappy people from the way they feel and part them from their money, e.g., tour guides, stockbrokers, maître d’s, and entertainers (which can include those who wait tables, temp, or work at any job usually held by someone who’d rather be making a living in the arts). Also, those who need an outlet for ADD, such as salesmen and politicians.

  • What attracts you first: The pleasure of being entertained, the relief of not having to think up entertaining or interesting things to say yourself, and the wicked joy of identifying common pet peeves and mortal enemies and secretly tearing them a new asshole.

  • Red flags: Noticing that the same jokes get repeated with everyone, that he may have a malicious edge that might easily target you when you’re not in the room, that you aren’t getting to know much about his work or relationships, that funny periods are sometimes followed by angry/sad periods where he confesses to a great deal of self-loathing and self-doubt, or that the funnies don’t stop even when they’re less funny and more inappropriate.

  Seeking Humor

  Unless you truly want to be left alone to stew and write your manifesto, a person with a good sense of humor is hard to resist. By entertaining you without requiring any effort in return, a funny person draws you in, promising easy access to friendship and more fun to come. While nothing is necessarily wrong with enjoying someone’s sense of humor and finding her instantly attractive and easy to talk to, don’t think finding a funny person means you’re always going to have fun together. Remember the procedures you’ve developed to keep yourself from harm while getting to know someone, no matter how hard it is to keep a serious perspective (or a straight face).

  Here are three examples:

  • One of the things
I like most about my girlfriend is that she’s funny and quick to laugh about and get over problems and conflicts. The trouble is, when I want to talk seriously about something, like whether we’re going to stay together next year when her work assignment ends or how she feels about our future in general, she always avoids the conversation by making light of the subject, so I can’t tell where she stands. My goal is to get her to be serious about her real opinions when it’s important.

  • I think my boyfriend is funny, but sometimes I’m the only person who does. I can tell that my friends get annoyed by his jokes, and my parents think he’s disrespectful, but I think they all need to lighten up. My goal is to get everyone to appreciate his humor as much as I do.

  • I’m attracted to my girlfriend because she makes me laugh a lot, so I know we share something special. However, she never seems to turn it off, so I’m not sure that I’m getting to know her. It can also be exhausting and annoying because, if we’re just watching TV or driving to the movies, she doesn’t need to be working so hard to entertain me and put on a show. My goal is to figure out a way to put her at ease so we can get to know each other.

  It’s wonderful to find a relationship full of easy laughter, entertainment, and warm feelings of acceptance, but when anything comes too easily, especially in the beginning, it should be cause for alarm. That’s because, sooner or later, good relationships require hard work to endure hard times, so you have to ignore all the mirth and laughter and consider whether this person is still going to be there when the laughter stops and still be willing to start laughing again whenever the storm passes.

  You’ve certainly discovered a valuable quality if you have a girlfriend who’s quick to get over conflicts and laugh about problems, particularly if she can maintain this high level of chill during the most stressful situations, e.g., when you’re in an airport on day two of waiting for an indefinitely delayed flight to visit your ailing aunt while also recovering from a bout of norovirus. In that case, you’ve found a great companion, but, from what you’ve said, not necessarily a great partner.

  While you don’t need to know her opinion about the national debt or political parties, you do need to know what she wants to do with her life, whether she wants to do it with you, and what she’s done with relationships in the past. Humor and affability are great, but not enough, and maybe too much if they get in the way of doing the work of making a life together.

  If she can’t provide answers to serious questions, rely on detective work to look for the truth. No, it won’t tell you whether she loves you or wants to marry you, but it will tell you whether she’s a loyal friend, has made compromises to share a life with former boyfriends, has managed debt and savings responsibly, and is generally serious about being a good person and building a solid life and career. Hopefully, even though she avoids serious talk, her other behaviors will reveal a secret serious person with a good sense of humor, rather than a person who uses humor to hide an inability to make serious decisions.

  A special intimacy comes from sharing a weird, quirky sense of humor, particularly when most people, including your parents, don’t get it. It’s a relief to find a fellow alien who actually comes from your comedy home planet and shares your customs and sensibilities. Unfortunately, a common sensibility doesn’t guarantee good character, and your family’s negative response to your boyfriend’s humor may not just be a matter of taste. Ask them to explain what they find offensive, then ask yourself whether his jokes could cause trouble in work situations or with mutual friends.

  While you may feel particularly needed by someone who doesn’t get along well with others, as well as more secure about his fidelity, you need a partner who does not repeatedly alienate people at work or make it hard for you and him to develop mutual friends. A pet skunk can be a close companion if you feel rejected and helps you feel more protective than despised, but it doesn’t make it easier to make a living, build a warm social circle, or have any friends outside of those in the tomato-juice industry.

  As for dating someone who’s perpetually funny in an entertaining way but can’t seem to turn it off, you’re right to wonder whether she can be comfortable on a more intimate level. In the beginning it’s fun and flattering, particularly if she’s funny and trying hard to please. It’s tempting to assume that you’re the one who can eventually ease her insecurity and help her drop her mask and be herself.

  Unfortunately, not all entertainers have a solid personality behind the mask; sometimes they can’t get over the anxiety of intimacy, and sometimes there’s just nothing there. They will always see life as one long improv game, and in the world of improv, the word “no” is discouraged, so any attempt to end her performance won’t go over well. Don’t then assume you’ve done something wrong if your relationship gets stuck in laugh mode and doesn’t move forward. Ask yourself whether you’ve done your best to make her comfortable, and try to find out if others have had more success with her than you. Then you’ll know whether your partner will ever feel comfortable being herself, or whether she is being herself, and she’s just not for you.

  As powerful and intimate as laughter can make you feel as you seek a special relationship, be aware of its limits; the humor that draws you together may also create a wall or present a smoke screen. Your goal, as always, is to find a partnership that can give you some good laughs, but is good for much more in the long run. So stick to the basics and hope it’s a true beginning and not just an amusing anecdote you’ll tell friends and future prospects.

  Quiz: Comedy Questionnaire—Is laughter distracting you from warning signs?

  1. After one night out together with her, your friends become convinced that your new girlfriend is the funniest person they’re ever met and want you to get married so they can keep hanging out with her and being entertained forever. You resolve to:

  A: End it because she grabs all the attention, but only if you can find a way to make sure she doesn’t grab your friends away from you entirely.

  B: Seconding their sentiment, you take their advice and buy a ring (despite your only having been together a month and you aren’t 100 percent sure you know her last name).

  C: Enjoy your conversations and your friends’ support but try to find out more facts about her life, beyond the funny.

  2. He’s a funny guy and thoughtful, but you can’t get him to talk about his family or past relationships in any way that doesn’t involve a setup and a punch line (or does involve facts). You decide to:

  A: Let him know that family and relationships, like most things, are no joke, and if he can’t take his life seriously, he has no place in yours.

  B: Assume that, because he’s probably had some painful past relationships and definitely has superior comedy skills, he’s earned the right to deflect with humor and you’re happy letting it slide.

  C: Redouble your efforts to do your own, not-creepy recon—find mutual acquaintances you can pump for information, do a social media search, etc.—to find out more about his relationship and work history.

  3. You notice she tries to joke you out of your resentments or bad moods, and while you appreciate her trying to cheer you up, it’s sometimes annoying when you simply don’t want to be cheered up and feel your frustrations deserve more respect. You tell her that:

  A: You’ve had it with her disrespect and she’d better start taking you and your pain seriously. Wait, why is she laughing?

  B: You love how you’ve found someone who can almost always make you smile and get you to forget your troubles (even if you have no fucking idea what to do about those troubles and are willing to let her continually distract you with yucks).

  C: You appreciate her interest in what’s bothering you, but it’s too serious to just laugh off, so what you’d like is some genuine advice.

  4. When an old friend mentions your funny girlfriend’s prior boyfriend in her presence, you notice she stops talking for a day, but when you ask her about it, she refuses to talk about him because thinking abo
ut him makes her so unhappy. You tell her:

  A: It’s great she’s finally taking her life seriously but let her know that if she can’t share suffering with you, then she’s inflicting it upon you twofold.

  B: You thank heaven she got over her blues in a day, respect her silence on the subject, and let her know you’ll never bring up anything unhappy or unfunny ever again if she doesn’t want you to.

  C: You tell her that you can see her feelings were complicated but that you can be a better friend and understand her better if she can tell you what happened, even if it hurts too much to laugh about.

  5. When you finally meet his parents, your normally funny boyfriend falls silent and seems uncomfortable. The parents seem like nice people, but they’re as uneasy with him as he is with them. You decide to:

  A: Grill him later on why he thinks he can’t be that respectful and quiet all the time, especially since his parents seemed to raise him with a strong example of appropriate behavior.

  B: Fake a severe allergic reaction so you and your boyfriend can leave early and he’ll feel better and get back to his usual hilarious self.

  C: Treat his parents as potential friends and ask them lots of neutral questions about their lives with the goal of being friendly, not funny.

  If you answered mostly A’s . . .

  You have a strong humorless streak that prevents you from appreciating your partner’s comedy skills and even causes you to resent them. No matter how much she shows you that she cares, her sense of humor will eventually annoy you and make you feel insecure. In the meantime, you’re not finding out much about her as a person, her abilities as a potential partner, or why you’re with her and not someone who shares your love of seriousness.

  If you answered mostly B’s . . .