B: If he can still milk the alumni network for all that it’s worth, because degrees are stupid and book learnin’s overrated.
C: About his reasons for dropping out, looking particularly for those related to drug use, commitment phobia, or law enforcement, as well as what he thinks he learned from the experience.
2. You go off to your girlfriend about how one of your favorite books, a classic novel that’s a staple of any well-rounded library, is about to be violated/ruined by a film adaptation to star and be directed by Khloe Kardashian. When your girlfriend finally gets a word in, she reveals she’s never heard of this book, which kind of blows your mind. Your reaction is to:
A: Mention the names Tolstoy, Eliot, and Woolf, ask her what she thinks of them, and dump her if she can’t present a cogent and original thesis about each.
B: Allow her to fill you in on the Komplete Kardashian story, about which she could write a dissertation, which is impressive enough.
C: Ask her what she likes reading and, if she’s not a reader, find out what TV shows and movies she likes and why.
3. It turns out that the cute girl you’ve been flirting with in your running group who’s so smart about stretches, ligaments, and avoiding injury isn’t just up on exercise or a personal trainer, she’s an actual MD/orthopedic surgeon. At your next group run, you:
A: Are so impressed with her accomplishments and intellect that you can’t think of anything to say to her except to ask her about the pain in your groin.
B: Aren’t particularly impressed, because she might be an MD but she’s got a hitch in her stride and ho-hum times that will always prevent her from being a serious marathoner.
C: Express interest in her work and ask her what she likes best about what she does and what ACL surgery is really like.
4. You meet a sweet, interesting guy at your friend’s party, but his texts and emails are so full of typos, unreadable, and beyond what’s acceptable even in the digital realm—he uses five commas in a row but never any emojis—that they’re either written by a dog or it’s possible that the guy can’t read or write. You decide to:
A: Find out how he ever managed to finish second grade and make it clear you don’t date idiots (or dogs).
B: Avoid written communication, suggest some literacy classes, and enjoy spending time together while reading billboards, menus, and road signs out loud for him.
C: Find out more about his work and see if he’s intelligent in other ways, such as at managing difficult situations and problem solving, even if he can’t easily put his thoughts into writing (or small Japanese images).
5. You’ve always toyed with the idea of getting a specific master’s degree so you could qualify for better jobs in your field, but your new boyfriend with the PhD seems fixated on your going through with it, not for the better employment opportunities but so you can get closer to his supreme academic level. Your impulse is to:
A: Find out what kind of a master’s degree would most impress him and start taking GRE classes and rounding up recommendations ASAP.
B: Just get two low-level jobs rather than have to crack a book again, so you learn to ignore his ivory-tower encouragement.
C: Tell him you appreciate his enthusiasm but that you won’t be going back to school until you find just the right program at the right time, not to impress people by getting an advanced degree that you may not need and can’t easily afford.
6. You’re interested in a woman at work who’s kind and fun to be around outside the office, but she’s not that great to work with directly as her ideas are usually weak and it takes forever to explain projects to her (which she screws up, anyway). You decide to:
A: Take her out to lunch and ask her detailed questions about her work, education, and some basic algebra problems to see if she’s more competent than she appears to be.
B: Ignore her workplace shortcomings because she comes through at beer pong and Nickelback karaoke at Thursday happy hour, and that’s far more important.
C: Find time to talk with her about family, friends, and her life outside the office, which may show you where her hidden strengths lie and whether any of those strengths complement your weaknesses.
If you answered mostly A’s . . .
You’re so impressed with fancy degrees and a polysyllabic vocabulary that you’ve developed a bit of Mensa myopia; you can’t see the dating potential in anyone who isn’t potentially a genius. Perhaps experience hasn’t yet taught you that smart people can be assholes just as easily as not-so-smart people, but as much as you love education, that’s one lesson it’s best to avoid learning yourself, particularly if it takes a bad marriage or just a major heartbreak to do it. Instead, push yourself to consider dating people who aren’t academically gifted but may be great or gifted in other ways.
If you answered mostly B’s . . .
You’re much more interested in a person’s ability to give you a good time than in his or her ability to solve problems and think clearly. While not-so-smart people are often better at having too much fun, marriage isn’t fun, and if you’re looking for something serious, then you have to look for people who care less about having a party going on and are more likely to have something going on in their brains.
If you answered mostly C’s . . .
You’re an adult who knows that a good partner with a good head on her shoulders won’t just make life easier, but will make you smarter and more capable. Even as you’re looking for someone intelligent, you’re also aware that smarts come in many different flavors, so what’s most important isn’t to find the biggest brain, but the best complement to your own, so you can make up for each other’s blind spots and broaden the number of things you can do well as a team.
Did You Know . . . What the “Social Fake” Is?
You should, if you’re book smart but socially stupid.
It’s well-known that some people with advanced academic-style intelligence can fall short when it comes to learning social competence. TV is so fond of smart-and-socially-clueless protagonists that “rude Asperger’s-y genius” has surpassed “brilliant doctor who’s built like an American ninja warrior” and “bad-boy lawyer with great man hair” as the most common TV archetype.
In real life, people with advanced minds and substandard social skills aren’t actually rude, they’re just less capable of reading social cues; they can master the languages of science, math, and engineering, but body language and nuanced or abstract language aren’t things they intuitively understand. They aren’t ignoring your signals or accepted rules of social conduct; they just don’t perceive them in the first place.
Of the many concepts taught by therapists who work with those on the autism spectrum, “the social fake,” a concept introduced by speech and language therapist Michelle Garcia-Winner, is one that’s useful for nerdy and awkward types overall, regardless of spectrum status. “The social fake” refers to adopting the kind of social customs that make no sense to someone with Asperger’s, such as greeting random people by asking, “Hi, how are you?” or “Nice weather we’re having, no?” and all the other bullshitty questions that are part of polite conversation.
What most people on the spectrum will tell you is that they don’t ask such questions because it seems meaningless to acquire random information about random people. What therapists try to explain to them is that you’re not asking to gain knowledge, but because it makes them feel comfortable and is considered good manners—it’s a social fake, after all. The other person’s answer (“Fine, thanks, beautiful day!”) is often just as vacuous, so expectations of the exchange are mutual.
If you’re not technically on the spectrum but find it easier to work with computers or dough or words all day than to make eye contact and social chitchat with the opposite sex, the social fake is easy enough to master, and unbelievably helpful. Just don’t tell anyone who works in TV development, because if their rude-genius archetypes start learning social skills, they’ll have to find a new trope to milk
to death.
Having Intelligence
When we’re kids, being intelligent can either feel like a cross to bear or an excuse to put crosshairs on someone else; hunting season on nerds begins early in grade school and usually doesn’t end until high school graduation. As you reach adulthood, however, intelligence starts to pay off, helping you achieve well-paying jobs, impress the opposite sex, or just keep yourself from losing fingers on the Fourth of July. Unfortunately, intelligence may still complicate the way people feel about you and what they expect from you, even though those expectations can now be too high and no longer inspire wedgies. Overrating intelligence in others or in yourself will distort your understanding of relationships and your own strengths and weaknesses. It may also shape your tastes and values in ways that make you pickier, harder to please, and less compatible with would-be friends. It’s your job to learn how to manage it—as asset, liability, or both—as you seek a good partnership instead of a way to survive lunch period.
Here are three examples:
• I’m one of those rare women in a STEM field of academia (science, technology, engineering, and math), so meeting guys is unusually challenging. Dating within my field is looked down upon because then I’ll be seen as sleeping my way to the top or as stealing credit from my other half. If I try to date outside the sciences or academia, however, I tend to be too nerdy for most and intimidate smart guys because I know more than they do about “male subjects,” i.e., math and science. I don’t want to play dumb to meet guys, but I don’t know how to meet guys if I don’t. My goal is to find a partner who isn’t intimidated by my brain.
• I’m smart, but not about people—I assume I’m somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I’ve never bothered to get it checked out—so I have trouble dating. I have a head full of stuff to talk about and ideas that interest me, but I don’t know how to make small talk or read facial expressions to tell whether people are interested, bored, or want to get away once I open my mouth. My goal is to find someone I can talk to and figure out how to have a relationship.
• Because I’m blond and fairly petite, guys tend to approach me as if I were a slut and talk to me as if I were an idiot. I’m a respected oncologist, so being treated like a dumb sorority girl is never not infuriating. When guys aren’t talking down to me, they’re offended because they think I’m talking down to them! My goal is to find someone who can respect me for my mind, not just judge me by my looks.
To paraphrase a line from the movie Bull Durham, the world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self-awareness. That explains why, in the dating world, intelligence and the self-awareness that come with it often make the difficult job of finding someone even harder. In many ways intelligence can be more monkey wrench than asset in finding a good relationship, particularly if imagination, fear, and expectation distort its impact.
Unlike the truly oblivious who glide through life in a magic cloud of stupid dust, smart people can’t help but perceive, judge, and analyze far too much. That can make it harder to get and stay close to people, or for people to get close to you, or to deal with bullshit in general. As Bull Durham shows us, that’s why the idiot gets unlimited girls and success in the major leagues while the smart guy rides the bus in pleated khakis. That’s also why it’s your job to assess the impact of intelligence realistically, in your dating experience and in your relationships with others.
For those whose intelligence intimidates prospective partners, disowning or hiding your intelligence is no answer. When you see how much easier it is for less intelligent friends to find a partner, it’s natural to want to hide, disown, or even resent your gift, especially when it arouses envy or snide remarks. However, dumbing yourself down isn’t a smart move; it will only end up harming your personality, and relationships, while easier to find, will be built on a big stupid lie. You’ll wind up angry at those who can’t accept the way you are and angry at yourself for making career and other sacrifices for the sake of other people’s feelings.
Instead, accept that your intelligence, which is a gift in so many other ways, may make finding a good partner harder. Prepare to be patient and build your independence because it’s better to be single than take on a doomed relationship by dating someone you know isn’t worthwhile.
Use your pesky intelligence to widen your search and identify qualities and backgrounds that improve your compatibility odds. You’re unlikely to find someone if you’re feeling discouraged or have committed your time to a bad compromise, but if you’re being yourself, making the best of your gift, and refusing to get close to anyone who isn’t comfortable with the way you are, then your patience and smart sacrifice are likely to be rewarded.
If your intelligence comes as part of an Asperger’s package, your relationships will require extra effort. It may be just as well that your personality doesn’t give you the ability to fake your intelligence or act more conventionally, because there’s a lot to be said for being a genuine person, especially when you’re trying to make a meaningful connection. Unlike many people who find relationships difficult, you’ve decided that they are nevertheless worth pursuing, even if doing so sometimes leaves you feeling helpless and humiliated. Having a positive attitude will go a long way toward taking the sting out of what can often be a negative experience.
Get coaching in the basics of emotional communication; some speech and occupational therapists specialize in teaching those on the spectrum how to navigate small talk, read facial expressions and body language, and create social situations that are comfortable. If you’re unable to find a therapist, don’t hesitate to ask a friend or family member what you could say to make a social situation easier, or what you said wrong if it caused people to withdraw. Think carefully about what you wish to share in a partnership and what qualities you’re looking for in a companion.
Sometimes, having to keep things simple and deliberate as you work on building the basics of a relationship will save you from making the mistakes that socially gifted people commonly do, such as getting carried away by flirting, flattery, or sexual chemistry. In the end, you may do better than those who have an intuitive gift for relationships but have never had to think carefully about what they should stay away from. In the beginning, however, you need to study social skills and brace yourself for a steep learning curve.
Those who are both intelligent and blond may have to fend off a double set of stereotyped expectations. Again, a double gift can also bear a double curse. If you rail against the stupidity of guys who can’t see beyond stereotypes, you don’t improve your chances and may seem like a snob. And for good reasons you should not try to dumb down your speech, uglify your looks, or settle for the kind of guys who wish you’d do either.
Accept that, contrary to conventional expectations, your search is not going to be easy and it isn’t your fault; it’s just your bad excellent luck. Be patient, widen your search, and make it clear, up front, that you’re smart and you look the way you look. You’re looking for someone who is a good fit, which means a good guy who’s confident enough to feel like your equal. You’ll know it when you see it (and have a conversation with it), and you won’t compromise until you do.
Whatever the gifts it bestows, intelligence can make many things, from finding a relationship to playing professional baseball, a lot more difficult. Don’t ever conclude that you’re misusing your gift or give up the search because you’re bitter about the unfair response of others. As you’re well aware, smart people are rare, so finding someone who can match your brains will require patience. Assess your needs, even if they’re hard to meet, and keep searching while accepting that, even if the world makes it hard for people such as you, you will use your intelligence to find someone you can make a life with.
Averaging Your Intelligence
Whether you think you’re blessed with the highest intelligence or proudly scorn know-it-alls (or just know-more-than-nothings), here are some useful dos and don’ts when you’re trying to impress, not aliena
te, the opposite sex.
* * *
Smartness Snob
Unashamed Ignoramus
Do
Don’t
Do
Don’t
. . . be open to watching films that don’t involve corsets or subtitles or aren’t documentaries that make most people want to kill themselves.
. . . show open distain for comedic films whose humor is even more crass than that found on NPR’s Wait Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me!
. . . be polite when someone tries to sell you on an epic foreign novel they think you’d enjoy.
. . . respond by describing, in detail, the plot to every film in The Expendables franchise.
. . . allow yourself to consider that some recent TV dramas may be as well written and interesting as a good book (or at least a good novella).
. . . dry-heave when you realize that your date mostly enjoys the kind of books they sell in Target (not that you’ve ever shopped there, or you’d actually vomit).
. . . try to appreciate your date’s enthusiasm when she excitedly explains an article she read about a new medical breakthrough that pertains to her research.
. . . try to impress said date by describing your own “medical condition,” “shoulder shits,” which you illustrate by showering her with armpit farts.
. . . stay calm and think twice before abruptly ending a relationship with someone whose college degree turns out to be a BFA.
. . . get a BFA. Just a piece of general advice to anyone: it would be simpler just to set a pile of money on fire and go straight into a career as a lifelong disappointment.
. . . be open to going with a date to a lecture, literary event, or classical-music concert.
. . . push yourself to put up with a poetry reading, especially if it’s open mic. No date is worth it.
F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship Page 18