There is something almost terrible about this licensed spy system. That man at the corner of the street is a dreadful being. Suppose a Bishop should feel inclined to go to the Derby in plain clothes, what a wretched thing it is for him to reflect, as he puts on a pair of shepherd’s plaid trousers and a paletot, in place of the usual apron and tights, that he will have to pass that man at the corner, who is possibly an emissary of a bishop of different principles, and who is there to watch the house. Suppose a family desirous of economising and prepared for a time to go through with a course of chop dinners, is it pleasant to have that man at the corner inspecting the butcher’s tray, day after day, and making notes of its contents, to be written in the annals of the office, a copy being sent to our dearest enemies. Suppose that I get out of an invitation to dine with the Fingerglasses, giving the excuse that I shall be out of town on the day for which they are kind enough to ask me, is it pleasant on the evening of Fingerglass’s festival to have Pollaky’s young man scrutinising my appearance as I hand my consort into the cab in which we are conveyed to the theatre on the sly?
[The article continues with other matters.]
APPENDIX II
‘The Agony Column’
One day not far from Regent Street,
Where cabs and buses whirl,
I saw beneath a horse’s feet
A fascinating girl.
To save her life I risk’ed my own,
What mortal could do less,
She thank’d me warmly but refused
To give me her address.
[SPOKEN after first verse.]
I persuaded her but she would only consent to advertise in one of the papers making an appointment with me she said she would head it with her name Little Di_ I asked her whether she would put it in the Agony Column of –
The Standard or the Telegraph, the Echo or the Times,
Observer, Reynolds, Judy, Punch, or Bow Bells, or the Chimes,
The Hornet, Lloyds, or Figaro, or one of the Reviews,
The Globe or Sun, Dispatch or Fun, or Illustrated News.
She mentioned one in which she said,
She’d name a time and spot,
But which the paper was alas!
Somehow I’ve quite forgot.
In vain my memory I task,
It gives me no reply,
So every day as they come out,
I have to go and buy –
CHORUS
I have to read the whole lot through,
At least that part I mean,
Where column after column of
Sheer agony is seen;
How “Charlie is implored to come”,
And “Jane is asked to call”,
And if dear X Y will return,
He’ll be forgiven all.
[SPOKEN] And you’ll find it in the Agony Column of –
CHORUS
I thought as I’d to sing tonight,
I’d ask if you had seen,
In any other paper,
The advertisement I mean;
If so pray kindly let me know,
It would be good indeed,
For you’ve no notion what it is,
Each day to have to read –
[SPOKEN] Yes! read the Agony Column of –
CHORUS
APPENDIX III
Of course, there is a famous song about Paddington Green, and to avoid disappointment, and for interest’s sake, the music and lyrics follow here. The words have been taken from the copy published by Hopwood & Crew, London – there are other editions with slight variations, in particular later American versions, in which ‘Paddington Green’ becomes either ‘Pemberton Green’ or ‘Abingdon Green’. The song dates from about 1863. The tempo direction ‘Maestoso pomposo’ (Majestic speed, pompously) should probably not be taken too seriously or the fun of the piece will be missed. ‘Tempo Moderato, poco parlando’ (Moderate speed in a conversational style) might be better.
There are many references to this song in connection with Pollaky. If Mortimer Collins’s The Ivory Gate (1869) had become a successful novel, for example, perhaps Pollaky would be remembered differently – ‘He had employed Scotland yard, and coquetted with “Pollaky Perkins of Paddington Green”.’The song is also mentioned in 1870 in the Cliftonian magazine edited by members of Clifton College, Bristol:
I have seen the mysterious name “Pollaky”; what is it? I’m told it is the name of a man who conducts secret enquiries. What can he be like? Stories are told me how he sits at a table with a brace of revolvers in front of him, and there conducts secret enquiries by means of “paid hirelings.” Does he call his men “minions?” Do they walk about in large yellow boots, an enormous belt with pistols in it, and a brigand hat? Where does he reside? In Paddington. Then the mystery gets less, for I know Paddington; it is not a mysterious part of London. By the way, I’ve heard sung of “A broken-hearted milkman of Paddington Green”. Did he consult Pollaky in the case in which this sad accident happened? I wonder!”
‘Polly Perkins of Paddington Green’
I’m a broken-hearted Milkman, in grief I’m array’d
Through keeping of the company of a young servant maid;
Who lived on board wages, the house to keep clean,
In a gentleman’s fam’ly near Paddington Green.
Oh! she was as
Beautiful as a Butterfly and proud as a Queen,
Was pretty little Polly Perkins of Paddington Green.
Her eyes were as black as the pips of a pear,
No rose in the garden with her cheeks could compare,
Her hair hung in ‘ringerlets’ so beautiful and long.
I thought that she loved me, but I found I was wrong.
Oh! she was as
CHORUS
When I’d rattle in the morning and cry “milk below”
At the sound of my milk cans her face she would show,
With a smile upon her countenance and a laugh in her eye,
If I thought she’d have loved me I’d have laid down to die.
For she was as
CHORUS
When I asked her to marry me, she said “Oh what stuff”
And told me to “drop it, for she’d had quite enough
Of my nonsense” At the same time I’d been very kind,
But to marry a milkman she didn’t feel inclined.
Oh! she was as
CHORUS
“Oh the man that has me must have silver and gold,
A chariot to ride in, and be handsome and bold;
His hair must be curly as any watch-spring,
And his whiskers as big as a brush for clothing.”
Oh! she was as
CHORUS
The words that she utter’d went straight thro’ my heart,
I sobbed, I sighèd, and I straight did depart
With a tear on my eyelid as big as a bean,
Bidding goodbye to Polly and Paddington Green
Ah! she was as
CHORUS
In six months she married, this hard-hearted girl,
But it was not a ‘Wicount’, and it was not a ‘Nearl’,
It was not a ‘Baronite’ but a shade or two ‘wus’
’Twas a bow-legg’d Conductor of a Twopenny ‘Bus
In spite of all she was as
CHORUS
APPENDIX IV
Gilbert’s mention of Pollaky’s ‘keen penetration’ hardly seems complimentary when placed in context; the suggested make-up of a soldier becomes more and more absurd as the song progresses.
Colonel Calverley’s Song from Patience
- Words by W.S. Gilbert
If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,
Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,
Take all the remarkable people in history,
Rattle them off to a popular tune.
The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory –
Genius of Bismarck devising a plan –
The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory –
Coolness of Paget about to trepan –
The science of Jullien, the eminent musico –
Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne –
The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault –
Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man –
The dash of a D’Orsay, divested of quackery –
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray –
Victor Emmanuel – peak-haunting Peveril –
Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell –
Tupper and Tennyson – Daniel Defoe –
Anthony Trollope and Mr Guizot!
Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set them to simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
If you want a receipt for this soldier-like paragon,
Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can) –
The family pride of a Spaniard from Aragon –
Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban –
A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky –
Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan –
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky –
Grace of an Odalisque on a divan –
The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal –
Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal –
Flavour of Hamlet – the Stranger, a touch of him –
Little of Manfred (but not very much of him) –
Beadle of Burlington – Richardson’s show –
Mr Micawber and Madame Tussaud!
Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set them to simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
People listed
Horatio Nelson (1758–1805): English naval hero.
Otto von Bismarck (1815–98): First Chancellor of the German Empire.
Henry Fielding (1707–54): English playwright and novelist.
Sir James Paget (1814–99): British surgeon and pathologist.
Louis Antoine Jullien (1812–60): Flamboyant French conductor.
Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800–59): English writer and statesman.
Queen Anne (1665–1714): Queen of Great Britain from 1702.
Paddy: Irishmen as portrayed by Dion Boucicault (1820–90) in his plays.
Rowley Hill (1836–1887): Bishop of Sodor and Man.
Count Alfred Guillaume Gabriel D’Orsay (1801–52): French dandy.
Charles Dickens (1812–70): English novelist.
William Makepeace Thackeray (1811–63): English novelist.
Victor Emmanuel II (1820–78) King of Sardinia who united Italy in 1861.
Sir Geoffrey Peveril: Hero of Sir Walter Scott’s novel Peveril of the Peak.
Thomas Aquinas (1225–74) Italian philosopher, theologian and writer.
Henry Sacheverell (c.1674–1724): Clergyman found guilty of libel.
Martin Farquhar Tupper (1810–89): English poet.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1809–92): English poet.
Daniel Defoe (c.1660–1731): English novelist and journalist.
Anthony Trollope (1815–82): English novelist.
François Pierre Guillaume Guizot (1787–1874): French statesman.
Czar: Emperor of Russia.
Spaniard from Aragon: A region in the north-east of Spain.
Mephisto: Mephistopheles (tempter of Faust).
Lord Waterford: Irish Marquis with a reputation for reckless behaviour.
Roderick: Roderick Dhu, Highland chieftain in Scott’s Lady of the Lake.
Paddington Pollaky (1828–1918): Detective of 13 Paddington Green.
Odalisque: A concubine in a Turkish harem.
Julius Caesar (100–44 BCE): Emperor of Rome.
Hannibal (c.247–183 BCE): Carthaginian general.
Sir Garnet Wolseley (1833–1913): Anglo-Irish General.
Hamlet: From Shakespeare’s play.
The Stranger: Protagonist of a play by August von Kotzebue (1761–1819).
Manfred: Gloomy hero of Lord Byron’s poem of the same name.
Beadle of Burlington: Either the attendant who kept order in the Burlington Arcade, or, according to the G.E. Dunn (See Bibliography), Erastus F. Beadle of Burlington, New York, ‘inventor of the “dime novel”’.
Richardson’s show: A travelling theatrical troupe which staged melodramas. Described by Dickens in Greenwich Fair (Sketches by Boz)
Mr Micawber: From Dickens’s novel David Copperfield.
Marie Tussaud (1760–1850): Founder of the famous London wax museum.
The first of Gilbert’s earlier mentions of Pollaky
Patience was not the first time Gilbert had mentioned Pollaky in one of his pieces.
In 1869, twelve years earlier, Pollaky had found a place in Mr Churchmouse’s song from Gilbert’s musical piece No Cards. The original music was composed by German-Reed. That score is now lost. In 1895 a score was published with music by Lionel Elliott. The section beginning ‘Mystic disguises’ (see below) was not included in the new setting.
From NO CARDS a musical piece in one act for four characters
Written by W.S. GILBERT Composed by THOMAS GERMAN-REED
First produced at the Royal Gallery of Illustration, Lower Regent Street, London under the management of Mr Thomas German-Reed, on 29 March 1869.
Mr Churchmouse (aside)
Annabella is the goal
I would fain arrive at,
But I dare not tell a soul
(This is strictly private!).
If my artful plans succeed
Then the girl I’ve wooed’ll
Soon be mine, and mine indeed,
Given me by Coodle.
Ensemble Coodle-oodle-oodle, &c.
Churchmouse
Mystic disguises
Of various (sizes
Producing) surprises
I have close at hand –
In manner elective
Defying invective,
Like any detective
In Pollaky’s band!
Pretty, pretty, pretty Pollaky!
Dee.
Pretty, pretty, pretty Pollaky!
Miss P
Pretty, pretty, pretty Pollaky!
All
Pretty, pretty, pretty Pollaky!
On Paddington Green!
He’s a chrysalis or a butterfly,
As he changes his mien,
Is pretty, pretty, pretty Pollacky [sic]
On Paddington Green.
[Jane W. Stedman in her book Gilbert Before Sullivan suggests convincingly that the final four lines were originally sung to the tune of Polly Perkins of Paddington Green.]
Another mention of Pollaky by Gilbert
From AN OLD SCORE, an original comedy-drama in three acts
By W.S. Gilbert
First Performed at the New Gaiety Theatre, (under the management of Mr Hollingshead) Monday, July 26 1869.
HAROLD. Yes. Perhaps I didn’t feel it as acutely as I should. The right thing would have been to have got him over to Calais – shot him – come back – married you, and spent the remainder of my existence in dodging Mr Pollaky and the Scotland Yard police authorities. The wrong thing was to grin and bear it. I chose the wrong thing; I generally do. It gave less trouble; it generally does.
Bibliography and Sources
Anon. – Illustrated by ‘Whew’. Benjamin D_ His Little Dinner. London: Weldon and Co., 1876
Ashton, John. Social Life in the Reign of Queen Anne Volume 2. London: Chatto & Windus, 1882
Assing, Ludmilla. Vita di Piero Cironi. Prato, Italy: FF Giachetti, 1865
Battles and Leaders of the Civil War Volume 4. New York: The Century Co., 1888
Bebel, August. Assassinations
and Socialism. New York: Labor News Company, 1898
Bennett, John D. The London Confederates. Jefferson, North Carolina: McFarland & Co., 2008
Bulloch, James Dunwoody. The Secret Service of the Confederate States in Europe or, How the Confederate Cruisers Were Equipped Volume 1. New York: G.B. Puttnam’s Sons, 1884
Burds, Jeffrey. The Second Oldest Profession: A World History of Espionage Part 1 Lecture 12. Maryland: Recorded Books, 2011
Burnand, F.C. and Sullivan, Arthur. Cox and Box. 1866 Vocal score. London: Boosey & Co., 1871
Byron, H.J. Lucretia Borgia M.D. London: Thomas Hailes Lacy, 1868
Campbell Law School, Vol. 7, Issue 2. Raleigh, North Carolina: Fall 1984
Clay, Alice. The Agony Column of the Times 1800–1870 Vol. 1. London: Chatto & Windus, 1881
Cobb, Belton. The First Detectives and the Early Career of Richard Mayne. London: Faber & Faber, 1957
Cohen, Morton M. The Letters of Lewis Carroll Vol. 1. London: Macmillan, 1979
Collins, M., The Ivory Gate, Vol. 2. London: Hurst and Blackett, 1869
Devonald, Erasmus Lloyd. ‘Observations on the Pathology and Treatment of Cholera’. London Medical and Surgical Journal, 1833
Dickens, Charles. ‘A Detective Police Party’, Household Words, 27 July1850
‘Three Detective Anecdotes’, Household Words, 14 September 1850
‘On Duty with Inspector Field’, Household Words, 14 June 1851
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