by Tim Collins
April XII
Stamina training today.
April XIII
I was way too tired to write anything last night. Stoutus said that soldiers in the legions have to march over twenty miles a day with heavy packs on. He decided he was going to teach me to do the same.
He wanted me to march with a full backpack, but I couldn’t even stand up with it on, so he let me practise with an empty one instead.
I walked round and round the field until the ache in my legs, arms and shoulders got unbearable. At lunchtime, Stoutus brought out a plate of honey dormice. I thought he’d let me stop for lunch, but he told me to keep going.
Every time I passed the plate of delicious dormice, my stomach rumbled.
When Stoutus had finished, he tossed the plate on the ground and started picking his nose and eating it for dessert. After a while even the sight of his bogeys made my stomach rumble. THAT’s how hungry I was.
As the afternoon wore on, I got so tired, I started seeing black spots in front of my eyes. Every time I passed Stoutus, I asked if I could stop. He said things like:
I kept on marching until the sun started to go down.
One of Stoutus’s servants brought him three huge plates of chicken for his dinner, but he didn’t offer me a SINGLE piece.
He even looked like he was struggling to eat them all, and he was as sweaty as me by the time he’d finished them.
Soon after the sun had set, my legs wobbled, and I collapsed into a heap. Stoutus came over and prodded me with his sandal.
‘That’ll do for today,’ he said. ‘A decent effort, Dorkius.’
Dad was having another noisy dinner party when I finally hobbled back home. Usually all the belching, vomiting and shouting keeps me awake, but this time I went straight to sleep.
April XIV
That was strange. When I went round to see Stoutus today, he said he had to put my training on hold and sent me home.
I wandered off, trying to work out why he didn’t want to teach me any more. But then I remembered what he’d said in my stamina lesson: ‘A real hero never gives up, no matter what anyone says.’
Ah, it was all part of my training – Stoutus was just testing me to see if I had a hero’s attitude. I’ll go back tomorrow and DEMAND more lessons.
April XV
When I got to Stoutus’s house this morning, his servant said he wasn’t in. I knew he was lying, because I could hear Stoutus’s voice coming from the garden, so I sneaked round to the back gate.
I could hear two men talking to Stoutus. One of them had a very high voice, and one of them had a very low voice.
The ASSASSINS! I dashed along to the back gate and peeked through the slats.
It was definitely them. But how could I warn Stoutus that he was mixing with seriously evil criminals?
It turns out I didn’t need to.
‘Baldy has just set out for his villa with only two bodyguards,’ said the man with the high voice. ‘There’ll be no one else around if we strike now. This is our chance.’
‘We’ll take the guards out, and you go after Baldy,’ said the deep-voiced man.
‘Okay,’ said Stoutus. ‘But he’ll be a tough swine to kill. I’ll need your help when you’ve killed the bodyguards.’
I heard them running to the stables and mounting their horses. Hooves thundered across the garden and the gate flew open. I squashed myself against the wall and watched them gallop off.
At first I tried to convince myself it was all still some kind of test, but I had to face facts. Stoutus was part of a conspiracy to murder Julius Caesar, and I was the ONLY person who knew.
First I thought I’d run to the senate and tell Dad. But even if I got past the guards and persuaded him to come, we’d be too late to save Caesar.
No. If I wanted to stop the murder, I’d have to do it myself. It would mean taking on an ex-soldier and two professional assassins. I had about as much chance of succeeding as a dormouse trying to stop a chariot.
But I had to try. At least I’d definitely get into Elysium if I died trying to save Caesar. I’d be the noblest hero of all time.
I ran to the stables. Candidus was still there, thank the gods. I let him out of his stall, but how was I going to mount him by myself? I could hardly ask the servants to help me steal their master’s horse.
Just then, Candidus wandered over to a tree at the edge of the garden and stood underneath it. GENIUS.
I climbed up the trunk, pulled myself along an overhanging branch and dropped down on to Candidus’s back.
A couple of servants came out to see what was going on, so I squeezed my legs into the horse’s side, and we sped out through the gate.
I held my fist high in the air and let out a mighty battle roar as we charged off. Then I realized I had absolutely no idea where I was going and stopped roaring.
As we thundered over a hill, I spotted a wagon making its way along a path at the bottom. As I got closer, I recognized the boy sitting on the back. It was Linos, the Greek kid, and he was squashed between a couple of overflowing wee pots.
I waved at the driver, who pulled the wagon to a stop. Linos looked up.
‘It’s me, Dorkius,’ I said. ‘The one whose dad was too mean to buy you. Listen, I need to get to Caesar’s villa. Do you know where it is?’
‘Who?’ asked Linos.
‘How can you not know who Julius Caesar is? He’s only the most famous person in the world. He’s got a hairstyle like this horse and he wears leaves on his head.’
Linos thought for a moment. ‘Oh yeah,’ he said. ‘I know him. I’ve collected his wee a few times. Very strong stuff. He must have a very rich diet.’
‘Where’s his villa?’ I asked.
Linos pointed over my shoulder. ‘He lives on that hill.’
‘Excellent,’ I said. ‘Now you must listen to me very carefully. Some men are about to kill Julius Caesar, and I’ve got to stop them. I’m probably going to fail, but at least I’ll die a hero’s death. So please can you go to the senate and tell my dad I found the men I was looking for, and I died a hero’s death? Do you understand?’
Linos looked confused, but finally he nodded, and I raced away in the direction he’d pointed.
As I approached the hill, I saw a stream flowing at the foot of it.
‘Jump the stream, Candidus,’ I shouted, sure he would understand.
Candidus came to a firm halt at the edge of the stream, and I went flying into it.
As I splashed around, Candidus wandered off to munch some grass. I’d have to leave the stupid beast behind and continue on foot.
I ran up the hill so fast I got a stitch in my side, and wanted to sit down. But then I remembered what Stoutus had said: ‘A true Roman hero never quits.’
Mind you, if he’d known I’d use this advice to attack him, he’d probably have said: ‘A true Roman hero realizes it isn’t worth the hassle, and goes home for a nice rest.’
Eventually I saw the villa up ahead. A guard was lying face down in a pool of blood in front of the main gate.
I was too late to save him. But was I too late to help Caesar?
I heard cries and the sounds of a struggle coming from inside.
I flipped over the guard’s body. He’d been stabbed before he’d even drawn his sword. If they’d killed a trained bodyguard so easily, what chance did I have?
It didn’t matter. I HAD to try. I pulled the guard’s sword out of its scabbard and held it up as I entered.
There was a blur of movement on the far side of the atrium. The tall man and the short man were circling Caesar’s last-remaining bodyguard.
The guard turned from left to right to left again, flinging his sword around, but he missed both the men.
The tall man nipped forward and plunged his sword into the guard’s back. The guard yelped and dropped his sword.
The short man thrust his sword deep into the guard’s chest and he sank down to the floor, flapped about like a fish on a chopping tab
le, and then he was really still.
Julius Caesar was pressed against the wall on the other side of the atrium, holding out his sword as Stoutus crept towards him.
Caesar’s laurel wreath had fallen off and his hair had flopped open, leaving the top of his head exposed. Maybe he was hoping to blind Stoutus with the glare from his shiny bald patch.
Just then Stoutus spotted me.
‘Get out of here,’ he shouted. ‘This is serious business. I don’t want your help.’
‘I’m not here to help,’ I shouted. ‘I’m here to stop you. I am a noble Roman hero and I demand that you surrender.’
I meant this to sound forceful, but my voice came out all squeaky. My palms were so sweaty I dropped the sword, and had to scrabble around to pick it up.
Stoutus shook his head and laughed, which gave Caesar a split second. He lunged forward and stabbed Stoutus in the gut. Stoutus thudded to the ground like a wounded elephant.
The assassins rushed for Caesar. He defended himself against both of them at once, ducking from side to side and jabbing his sword out with incredible speed. Pretty impressive moves for an old guy.
‘Step away from our noble leader,’ I shouted, running across the floor.
Stoutus lurched up and blocked my path. He was clutching his wound with one hand, and he looked even paler and sweatier than that time he’d scoffed three plates of chicken.
He swung his sword at me, but I ducked out of the way.
‘Thanks for the defence lessons,’ I said. ‘And the combat ones.’
This would have been quite a clever remark if I’d managed to stab him straight afterwards. Unfortunately, he blocked my attack easily.
‘You think you can beat your teacher after just a few lessons?’ laughed Stoutus. ‘How many times did I kill you? Fifty? A hundred? And now I only have to kill you once.’
Stoutus was right. He had years of battle experience and I had a few hours of training. But if I kept moving, I could tire him out. And then I’d have a chance.
Stoutus lunged again, and I leapt back. Unfortunately, I slipped on a puddle of blood and fell flat on my back. Stoutus stepped up and prodded his sword into my chest.
‘This time you’re really, really, really, REALLY dead,’ he said.
I stared at the sword, waiting for it to thrust into my heart. This is it, I thought. A moment of agony and then I’ll see the black waters of the River Styx.
I wasn’t frightened of the pain. I really wasn’t. But I was seriously worried I wouldn’t get into Elysium because I’d failed to save Caesar.
I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth.
Nothing happened.
I opened my eyes and looked up at Stoutus. I thought he was about to speak, but all that came from his lips was a trickle of blood.
Then the tip of a sword poked through his stomach and he collapsed on top of me. A final cloud of toxic chicken-breath blasted out of Stoutus’s mouth and he fell still.
I knew all that stuff about fat protecting you from attack was nonsense.
I could hear sandals slapping across flagstones, but I couldn’t see anything. Stoutus’s body was pinning me to the floor, and I couldn’t move.
Swords clanked and a man screamed in agony, but I had no idea who it was. I cried out for help, but just then I heard a very familiar voice.
‘Alright, Dorkius. I’ll get to you in a minute.’
It was Dad.
Another scream, and then silence.
I saw Dad’s feet approaching. He lifted Stoutus’s body off me, and I looked around.
The tall man and the short man were both lying on the floor with swords sticking out of their chests. It looked like they’d be returning to the graveyard really soon, but not for any secret conversations.
Caesar and Dad had dark red splashes on their togas, but they were okay.
‘You saved my life, boy,’ said Caesar, then he turned to my dad. ‘Your son is a true Roman hero, Gluteus Maximus.’
WOW! I hope those afterlife judges were listening. Did you get that, guys? Caesar reckons I’m a hero. I must be absolutely guaranteed a place in Elysium now.
Caesar picked his crown of leaves from the floor and swept his hair over the front of his head. ‘Don’t tell anyone about my hair problems,’ he said.
Er, right. Like anyone’s convinced by that silly flap of hair he brushes forward.
I wandered over to Stoutus and took out a coin.
‘Here’s something to pay the ferryman with so he’ll take you over the River Styx,’ I said, placing it under his tongue. ‘I know you tried to kill me, but you were a good teacher, and I still hope you get into Elysium. Try not to sink the ferry on the way.’
April XVII
Didn’t write yesterday as I spent all day repeating my story over and over again to men from the senate.
Caesar was surprisingly calm, but everyone else was really stressed. The senators kept asking if the assassins had mentioned anyone else who was involved in the plot.
I couldn’t work out if they really wanted to get to the bottom of it or were just worried their own names had been mentioned.
Eventually, they let me go. I didn’t catch up with Dad until this afternoon. He told me how he’d been sitting in the senate when a boy carrying an overflowing pot of wee rushed in.
Intruders wouldn’t normally get in, but the guards were so disgusted by the smell they failed to grab him.
Linos gave Dad a crazy message about strange men at Caesar’s villa, and he decided to investigate.
Dad asked some of the other senators to come along, but they didn’t seem interested, so he leapt on his horse and rode to the villa alone. He got there just in time to save me from Stoutus and help Caesar.
Dad said I showed great courage in chasing the assassins. I expected him to add something like ‘Your brother would have killed them all without my help’, but it never came.
All Mum seemed to care about was the bloodstains on Dad’s toga, though. ‘Look at these,’ she said. ‘I’ll need some really expensive wee to get them out.’
‘Don’t you care that we saved Rome?’ I asked.
‘Of course I do, Dorky Worky,’ she said. ‘You did very well. But the chickens would have warned us if there was any real danger.’
I saw no point in arguing. Mum obviously cares more about her chickens than me. Maybe she’d like to ask them to protect our glorious leader next time he’s in trouble.
April XVIII
Dad took me down to the forum this afternoon. He said I could choose a present for saving Caesar, but I couldn’t find anything I liked.
I looked at that bronze chariot statue I used to want, but I didn’t really like it any more. Even chariot racing doesn’t seem that exciting when you’ve done some proper heroic stuff.
I wandered past a slave auction at the edge of the forum and stopped. I couldn’t believe it. Linos was up for sale AGAIN.
‘What happened?’ I asked.
‘My master’s getting rid of me because I abandoned my duty,’ said Linos.
‘Didn’t you explain to him how important it was? Didn’t you tell him that Rome would have collapsed into chaos and violence?’
‘I tried,’ said Linos. ‘But he said that chaos would be a good thing. The bloodshed would stain everyone’s togas, which would be seriously good for business.’
I dashed back to Dad, and told him I’d found the thing I really wanted. He was quite annoyed that it was a slave, but he kept his promise and forked out for Linos.
It was just as well, because a man from one of the stone quarries was examining Linos. He’d have snapped him up if we weren’t there.
Linos came back home with us, and I spent all evening explaining to him how he’d helped me save Rome. Unlike our other ungrateful slaves, Linos actually enjoys listening to me, and asked to hear the story over and over again.
If only Dad hadn’t been so stingy in the first place, I’d have had someone to talk to all along.
&n
bsp; April XIX
Amazing news. Caesar is letting me ride in the parade tomorrow.
He’s going to ride through the crowds in a golden chariot, and, as a reward for saving his life, he’s asked me and Dad to follow in our own chariot.
Tomorrow is going to be the coolest day EVER.
Dad came into my room tonight and asked what I was going to wear. Eh? Doesn’t he know I always wear my tunic, except for when it’s being washed in wee?
But then he pulled out a toga. My first EVER toga. I’d thought I’d have to wait a couple of years to get one of those, but Dad says I’ve proved I’m ready.
Wow ... togas are really heavy, and seriously hard to put on.
Even when I’d finally got it on, it made my left arm ache really badly. But it’s fine – I’m a hero now. I survived that awful stitch in my side when I was running to save Caesar, so I’m sure I can put up with a slight pain in my arm.
April XX
Even if I’d only seen it from the crowd, today’s parade would have been amazing, but watching it from a chariot was totally BRILLIANT.
The crowd was HUGE. I couldn’t believe how many people were crammed on to the streets, waving, cheering and throwing flowers.