Drowning

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “There’s a new movie I wanna see,” he keeps talking, completely ignoring Coach who’s now about to send him off the court.

  “Good for you,” I respond, perplexed by his revelation.

  “On Saturday night.”

  The ball comes toward him, and he easily bumps it forward so one of the other players can swat it over the net to the other side. The others are doing all the work while I try and avoid the ball at all costs. Tobias keeps looking over his shoulder at me, waiting for something. “I’m really happy for you?” I reply as more of a question than a statement.

  “Is six good, then?”

  The ball flies at me, and it’s so close I can’t escape it. I hit it and it barely makes it over the net. “Is six good for what?”

  “For me to pick you up.”

  My head whips around so fast, I swear I strain a muscle in my neck. “I’m not going with you.”

  “Why not? Have you got something better to do?”

  “None of your business,” I nearly shrill.

  “So, six is good then?”

  “No, I’m not going.” I covertly look over to Jared, who’s standing beside Katie on the other side of the net, and they’re both staring at us. It appears they heard Tobias ask me to the movies. Walking over to Tobias, I lower my voice and say, “Go with Katie. I’m sure she’d love to go with you.”

  He slyly looks over to her and shakes his head. “She doesn’t interest me. She’s not…” He pauses for a second as he searches for the right word. “…she’s not fascinating enough.” He smirks at me, giving me a cute, but devious smile.

  It dawns on me what he wants, and it makes me angry. “Sorry, buddy. But I’m not going out with you on Saturday. And I’m definitely not having sex with you.” I shoot him down, ending this madness before he thinks he can try and take advantage of me.

  Jogging back to my spot on the court, I’ve essentially told him I’m not the type of girl who does stuff like that. This is a small town, and being known as the girl who ‘services’ boys isn’t the reputation I’m seeking. Actually, I’d really prefer if my name wasn’t on anyone’s lips for any reason. I like being in the background, where no one is likely to notice me and no one will question me.

  The game continues, and Tobias doesn’t make eye contact with me again. I’m getting questioning looks from Jared, but I shake my head at him.

  When the class is over, Tobias walks away quickly.

  Obviously, I was right. He wanted to sleep with me, and I ended whatever perverted plans he had.

  “What was that about?” Jared asks. Katie hangs back, but I’m not an idiot. I know she’s listening.

  “I don’t know. Don’t care either.” I shrug as I head into the girls’ locker rooms.

  Katie follows, and places her hand on my shoulder, stopping me just inside the door. “Did he ask you out? ‘Cause from where Jared and I were standing, he looked like he was into you.”

  Her eyes have no sparkle; she looks sad. I know she’s crushing on him, and I don’t want to hurt her. Crap, what do I say so I don’t upset her?

  Ivy, my demon calls. The moment I start feeling anxious, the beast is waiting for me. He feeds off my insecurities. He sings a dangerous song, trying to convince me to turn to the blade. I fight him off, telling him to leave me alone.

  But his song is seductive.

  Clearing my throat, I smile at Katie. “He didn’t ask me out. He was talking about some movie. Not interested.” I shrug. Instantly, I see the relief spread across Katie’s face. Her shoulders drop by an inch as she takes in a deep breath. “Did you ask him out?” I ask.

  Katie’s face reddens. She averts her eyes for a second, before composing herself and pulling her shoulders back. “Not yet. But I think I will. What movie was he talking about? I’ll tell him I want to see it and ask if he wants to come with me.” Her eyes widen with excitement as she waits for my response.

  Looking away from her, I head over to my locker and pull out my bag. She follows behind me, still waiting for my answer. Swallowing hard, I compose myself before I answer, “Can’t remember. Truth be told, Katie, I wasn’t really listening even if he did tell me.” Lowering my gaze, I search in my bag to distract from her questioning gaze.

  “Huh,” she huffs. “I’ll ask him at lunch,” she chirps happily before stepping toward her own locker. “Thanks, Ivy.” The change in her is instantaneous. She’s gone from worried, to filled with confidence and happiness in no time at all.

  “Good luck.”

  Quickly I get changed, and head to my next class.

  Finding a spot outside, I sit beneath one of the tall trees behind the cafeteria. Jared doesn’t take long to find me, and sits next to me. The sun is out, but the nights have cooled by a few degrees. The last time it snowed here was about eight years ago, but the nights get cold enough to allow us to have the fire on through the evening. Lying back, I look up at the sky and watch as the clouds rapidly glide through the blue. “What do you think the clouds think of us down here?” I ask Jared.

  He snorts with a deep chuckle. “You think the clouds talk about us?”

  “Wouldn’t you if you were up there looking down at us?”

  “Nope. Why would I look down?”

  He throws a grape at me and it hits me on the forehead. “Hey,” I snap as I turn to look at him.

  “What’s with all the philosophical crap?” He chucks a grape up in the air, and moves his head with his mouth open to catch it. He doesn’t. It hits him in the eye. “One more go,” he says, throwing another grape up. He misses that one too.

  “I wish I had my camera here.” The clouds are forming all kinds of patterns.

  Out of my peripheral vision I notice Jared turning his head to follow my line of sight up to the clouds. “Man, you’re turning weird on me.”

  Smacking him lightly on the leg, I smile at him.

  “Hey, can I join you?” Tobias is standing over me. I scrunch my brows together and quickly look over to Jared whose mouth is slightly open as he stares at Tobias. “Look, don’t worry about it,” he says and starts backing away.

  He’s mistaken our silence for snobbery. “Hey,” I call as I sit up and cross my legs. Tobias turns and I jerk my head to the side indicating he should come sit with us. Casually he sits beside me.

  “I’m surprised Katie isn’t following behind you,” Jared says and laughs.

  Tobias turns his neck to make sure she isn’t. “She’s a nice girl, but she’s a bit much to handle.”

  “It’s only because everyone wants to know who you are,” Jared replies.

  “I don’t give a damn who wants to know me.” His tone is clipped and short.

  “Don’t be so rude,” I snap at Tobias. “People are trying to be nice, and you’re being a jerk.” Standing, I brush off the blades of grass stuck to my jeans and pick up my bag. “See ya,” I say smiling at Jared, and ignoring Tobias.

  As I walk away, I hear the dry grass crunching beneath the step of someone who’s following me. I’m hoping it’s Jared, but in my gut I know it’s Tobias.

  Turning to get a glimpse, all I see is his dark hair and tall, muscled build. Great… not. “Hey, wait up,” he calls after me. I speed up, and he jogs to catch me. “Have I somehow done something to make you angry?”

  Stopping, I turn to look at him. Letting out a frustrated breath, I place my hand to my hip. “You made it clear in gym what you want. And I thought I made it even clearer that I’m not going to sleep with you.”

  “You misinterpreted what I was saying.”

  Rolling my eyes, I shake my head at him. “Then please, amuse me. What exactly do you want?” This should be good. Let’s see how smooth he really is.

  “Nothing. I don’t want anything from you. I only wanted to see if you wanted to go to the movies with me.” Tilting my chin down, I narrow my eyes at him. Seriously, buddy, that’s the best you can do? “I’m serious,” he says stepping back with his palms up in surrender. “I mean, you’re so n
ot my type.”

  “Say what?” I bark instantly. He cheekily smirks at me. Damn it, he’s managed to make me talk to him. The moment he smiles, I can’t help but let my guard down. “Look,” I start saying in a gentler voice. “I’m not your type. I don’t want to be your type either. I’m not interested in anything from you.” It’s best this way. He can’t get close to me, and he can’t see the demon who hides in wait. If Tobias blends into the background, then my demon can’t get his talons into my anxiety about him.

  “Can’t we be friends?” His eyes soften, and he looks almost as if he’s begging for my approval.

  Slumping my shoulders slightly, I give up on my bitchy exterior. Why am I so horrible to him? Did I jump to the wrong conclusion? “Sure, we can be friends.” I offer a genuine smile, but vow to keep most of myself reserved. I can’t let him see the worst part of me.

  The monster who lives in my head. The one who beckons me to the blade. The one who screws with me whenever he wants.

  “Phew,” he breathes. “So, about that movie I want to see.”

  “Yeah, not gonna happen. I’m thinking about taking off into the city with my camera.”

  “Do you want company?”

  I’ll give him one thing; he’s persistent. We slowly head in toward my locker, and I try to not address his question. “I like hanging out and watching people.” God, now he’s going to think that’s an invitation.

  “People are always such a disappointment to me,” his voice is low and tense. I glimpse at him, and notice he’s lost in memory. He shudders once, then shakes his head as if he’s trying to dislodge an unpleasant vision. He notices me staring at him, and he provides me with a weak smile. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

  The air between us crackles with a heavy strain. “Where did you move from?” I ask trying to remove his dark mood.

  “You know, around.” Same answer he’s already given me. He shoves his hands into his pockets and flicks me an easy look that I can tell is forced. He doesn’t want to tell me about his past.

  I stop walking and place my hand on his bicep, stopping him from walking too. “Look, this is the reason I think you’re after one thing and one thing only. I get you might have secrets, but not telling me anything is going to make for a one-sided friendship. And I’m sorry, but if you don’t want to talk to me, then the only assumption I can make is you want sex.” He shakes his head.

  Tobias takes several deep breaths and I turn to start walking slowly again. “East Coast. Near Tampa.”

  Wow. He actually told me. “Florida. Is it nice?”

  He shrugs casually. “It’s alright. Not in a hurry to go back, though.”

  “Did your parents get a job here or something?” I ask trying to learn more about him. He’s not entirely forthcoming with information about himself, but at least it’s something.

  “It’s me, my mom and my grandma.”

  “Oh… um.” Crap, crap. What do I say? An awkward silence fills the void between us. “Yeah, it’s just me and my dad,” I try to make it less strained.

  “Your mom take off?” he asks casually. Is that what happened to his dad?

  “She died when I was really young. Your dad?”

  I notice a change in him. His shoulders slightly pull back and he lifts his chin a fraction too high. “He took off.” His answer sounds rehearsed, like it’s something he’s said a hundred times before, and he’ll say a hundred times again, but I don’t think it’s the truth.

  “Sucks. Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m not.”

  I lift my brows and blow out a forced breath. Man, talk about intense. We get to my locker, and I open it while Tobias leans up against the one next to mine. “You’re in a house filled with women, huh?” I ask then smile.

  “Ha, yeah. Mom started her new job this week, and grandma got a job too.”

  “What does your mom do?”

  “She’s an administrative assistant for an orthodontist.”

  “Cool. And your grandmother.”

  He smiles and shakes his head. “She um…” He clears his throat and looks around us to make sure no one is listening. “She’s a forklift operator.”

  My brain tells me to ask him how old she is and is she capable of driving a forklift, but my heart wants to meet this woman and give her a high-five. “That’s incredibly awesome. She’s seriously a forklift operator?” I question, completely blown away.

  “Yeah, but please, it’s not something most people get. My grandmother, she’s well…” he takes a deep breath and finishes by saying, “… different.”

  “How so?”

  “Well,” he chuckles as he closes his eyes and shakes his head. “First, she hates me calling her ‘grandma.’ I have to call her Clara.”

  “I think I’m loving your grandmother more and more, and I haven’t even met her.”

  “Yeah, well. That’s not the half of it.”

  When I finish with my locker, I close it and start heading to my next class. Tobias walks beside me, and tells me more about Clara. “She’s also heavily tattooed. Pretty much from here, to here.” His right hand goes to his neck, and his left hand to his knees. “And she drinks.”

  I’ve never met a cool granny before. “Tobias, she sounds like a kick-ass kind of woman.”

  “And she swears. A lot.” He pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath in. “And she owns a gun.”

  I can’t help it, I let out a laugh. “I gotta meet her.” I’m excited to meet a woman who seems so free and so much bigger than life.

  Tobias’s mouth draws up in a smile. “You want to meet Clara?” he asks. “For real?”

  “Hell yeah, she sounds awesome.”

  We head into biology and sit together. Jared joins us a few moments later. He raises his eyebrows at me when he sees Tobias and I sitting next to each other. “Oh, right,” Jared grumbles as he sits on the other side of me.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You get up and leave at lunch all in a huff, and now I find you all buddy-buddy with the guy who riled you up.”

  He’s got me. “You’re right,” I say lowering my eyes in shame.

  “And furthermore… what? Wait, did you say I was right?”

  Looking up at him, I smile. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken off. I didn’t give him a chance.”

  “So, what? I’m being replaced?”

  I can see the hurt in his eyes. I must’ve really done a number on him. I need to make this right.

  Ivy.

  Ugh, go away. My demon is always there.

  My mood drops, and suddenly the demon in my head is right here. Urging me. Calling to me. Making me doubt everything about myself.

  Jared lifts his left brow and stares at me. He’s waiting for an answer. Shaking my head, I don’t think I’m strong enough to open my mouth and not scream at the demon. Closing my eyes, I take several deep breaths before I regain control over the voice eagerly pestering me. When I open them, I find Jared staring at me. His mouth is open, his eyes filled with worry. “I’m sorry,” I say after a few long, drawn out seconds. “You’ll always be my best friend.” I lean over, grab him, and drag him into a hug.

  The demon is quiet now. But I can feel him lurking in my mind.

  “Don’t go weird on me again, girl.” He tightens his arms around me.

  “I thought he just wanted sex, so I took off because I didn’t want to put myself in that position,” I whisper.

  “Yeah, but you left me sitting there like a total loser. It’s not what we do. We always have each other’s back. Always.”

  I squeeze him tighter. He’s right. I freaked out and took off, but left Jared alone. I pull out of the hug and lower my eyes. I’m totally embarrassed by the way I acted. “Sorry,” I say again.

  “Don’t get all sentimental on me. Just don’t do it again.”

  “Deal.” I offer him my pinkie to make a pinkie promise.

  “What are we, like ten?” But he hooks his pinkie
around mine and shakes.

  Mrs. Richards comes into the room, and the moment the bell sounds, the class starts. Mrs. Richards is talking to us about the topic of DNA, which we’re going to be covering for the next week.

  “Are you hanging out with Zane on the weekend?” I ask Jared.

  “Yeah, probably. Why? What do you wanna do?”

  “I’m thinking of heading into the city and taking my camera.”

  “I think he’s got a competition on Sunday, but we can totally hang out on Saturday if he’s got practice. If he doesn’t, we can all head into the city together, I don’t think I’m working.”

  “I’m thinking of inviting…” I tilt my head subtly toward Tobias. “What do you think?”

  Jared’s gaze travels over my shoulder to look at Tobias, and he smiles. “Yeah, ask him.”

  “You sure?” My insecurities are making me crazy. I should be able to make a decision and just do it without worrying about the consequences.

  Ivy.

  Not again. Sometimes I wish my name wasn’t Ivy. I can’t wait for the day that I don’t need the blades.

  “Yes, ask him.” Jared touches me on my arm, catapulting me back to the now, muting the voice in my head. Why is he so damned vocal?

  “Okay, I will. After class.”

  I look forward to Mrs. Richards. But the image in my head is one of a blade held in my hand. A shiny piece of metal desperately wanting to make contact with my skin. My skin craves it, and I tune out to the drawl of Mrs. Richards’s voice.

  My heartbeat quickens, a gnawing need takes over my body.

  I can’t wait to get home from school so I can use the blade.

  I’ll explain to Azael, tell him how it makes me feel. Maybe beg him to stop calling on me as much as he does. But now I need to hold it, feel it, caress it.

  Coldness touches my skin, as my pulse rapidly travels the length of my body.

  Ivy.

  I’ve been doing my best fighting it.

  Ivy.

  I’m coming.

  Waking this morning seems to be easier than I thought it would be. It’s Saturday and I’m going to head into the city to take some photos.