Courting Crazy

by J G Jerome

  “And cubs,” she says seriously. “I will gladly bear you Green children, but I want to have some wolf cubs, too.”

  I chuckle, “I suspect all of our our children will be Verdic cubs. Unless I have to breed your wolf form to have cubs.” I cock an eyebrow at her.

  She finally relaxes and laughs, “Wouldn’t that add a whole new level of kink into our family!”

  I shrug with a smile, “I don’t know. You saw me make love to Supreet in her Serpent form.”

  She grimaces, “Her serpent form is still a hybrid with some human features. I don’t have any kind of hybrid form, Jack.”

  “Oh,” I say in mock horror. “So I’m stuck making love to this beautiful form? Oh, the sacrifice!”

  She nips my neck with what feels like sharp, pointy teeth.

  “That felt like wolf teeth,” I tell her with surprise.

  “Really?” she asks. “I didn’t feel any change.” She shrugs, “Thanks for comforting me, Jack. I know you need to get moving.”

  I nod as I refuse to let her go. I look into her eyes and say, “Come with me. There’s no reason I can’t have you tucked up against me most of the time. You can join my guard force when I’m not hugging you to me. Sound like a plan?”

  She slides back out of my arms and grasps my hands and then genuflects. “It is my pleasure and honor to escort you, my Lord.” Then she stands, flashes me a smile, and slides under my left arm as we step off, and the guards lead the way toward the audience chamber.

  Supreet, Solange, and L’liana fall in with Goblin guards. Supreet has feet but is also packing six arms and six breasts under her armor. She still has a Raven kilt wrapped around her hips.

  Supreet snuggles up to Chelsea and wraps her right three arms around the Bitch. She says, “I’m sorry, but I overheard your struggle. I frequently have fits of jealousy, too. Don’t feel bad about them. They are normal. I’m here to talk if you need someone to commiserate with.”

  Chelsea smiles at me and then at Supreet. “Thank you,” she says to her sister-fiancé.

  Supreet says, “We fianssscés need to ssstick together!” Then she leans in and flicks her serpent tongue to Chelsea’s neck.

  Chelsea laughs, “Yes we do. Do I smell better?”

  Supreet responds, “Lesss sssstresssed. Having two tonguesss is quite ussseful. It also makesss for a lot of fun exssstending my Sssss’s.” She winks at Chelsea before falling in right behind Frannie and Grace.

  We march out of the Raven barracks and past the dining hall with Chelsea tucked up against my left side tightly. She’s tall enough I don’t need to think about how fast I’m moving. She falls into step with me easily. As we enter the audience hall, I see a large bat lurking by a pillar. It’s female because it’s wearing the same outfit Esmi had before - sports bra and boy shorts. I think she’s Esmi, but I am not certain. Something is different.

  She notices us approaching and moves to intercept. Frannie vectors to intercept her, and the Night Hag spits at her, “Back off, Orc! I must talk to your master.” She attempts to push Frannie’s face away. I think she forgot about Goblin tusks. Frannie opens her mouth and turns her head to catch the hand in her mouth. Her tusks pierce the hag’s hand as Grace maneuvers past Frannie to hold a dagger at the hag’s throat.

  Frannie releases her bite and arm bars the hag to the ground as Grace flows around to keep pressure on her throat without breaking the skin. Chelsea steps out of my hug and suddenly there is no doubt she is a very capable fighter. For a first attack with no drilling, I think they did very well.

  I call out, “Good job team. Back off and let her stand. Use your tasers if she attacks.”

  They comply, and the hag stands back up shaking out her bleeding hand. She exclaims, “Fucking Orcs! Really, Jack?”

  I’m pretty sure that is Esmi’s voice. I respond, “I have only met one of your people, so I’m not certain if that’s who I’m talking to or not. Please identify yourself.”

  The hag says, “Jack! It’s me, Esmerelda! Esmi! I need to talk to you!”

  “I’m sorry, Esmi. The last time I saw you, you were showing your Sidhe form. I really do need to learn how to identify your people when in your bat form. How may I help you?”

  She shimmers to reveal the beautiful Sidhe that I recognize. At that point Trinity walks up with Esmi and Trina. ‘What?’

  “By the way, if you’re Esmi, who is that?” I ask the newly transformed hag next to Grace.

  She looks over her shoulder and murmurs, “Shit.”

  The ‘Esmi’ with Trinity says, “Hello, sister. What trouble are you causing?”

  The ‘Esmi’ my escort is holding says, “Esmi, I’m not trying to cause any problems. Honestly.” She drops her head.

  I address the wounded one, “So I’m assuming you are not Esmi, she is,” as I point to the other one, “and you just lied to me. Do I have that right?”

  Esmerelda, the one I’m assuming is the real one, responds “Jack, this is one of my sisters. Her name is Florita, or ‘Flora’ for short. She’s the runt of the litter. There are four of us that are identical. The others are Maracujua, or ‘Mara,’ and Penelope, or ‘Penny.’ We’re quadruplets, so we look identical despite Flora being a little shorter. We can tell each other apart because we each smell differently. Part of being a bat hybrid is that we have a sense of smell that even Chelsea’s can’t compete with.”

  “Frannie. Grace. Please escort Flora to me,” I request. They lead her to stand before me, each holding onto an arm. I reach down and hold her wounded hand in mind. I remind the cells what the hand structure is meant to be before pushing a little healing energy into Flora’s hand.

  Eliana gives me feedback, *That’s a nice gentle flow, Lord. In most cases, if you do that their bodies will use the energy and close it up in a less than a minute or two rather than their standard healing pace.*

  *Thanks,* I send back.

  Flora says, “Oh my! That feels nice. Look, Esmi! The wound is closing.” She looks at me fearfully, “Lord, did you clean all the germs out. Orc bites are notoriously toxic!”

  “Bullshit,” I exclaim.

  “Actually, Master,” Frannie interrupts as a rose shade takes over the light gray-green of her face. “It’s a common practice for Orcan warriors to chew a mouthful of ripe feces, full of bacteria and maggots right before going into battle. It’s so they can bite their foes and induce infection. We’re a pretty base people, and we’ll use any advantage to protect the community. We have a lot of common practices that are rather gross. Being a slave for the Goblin king raised me higher socially than any other Orc alive. None of the chieftains come close to me socially. Plus, there’s the additional benefit that I won’t have to eat shit and go to battle.”

  I give Frannie a hug, “Never or never again - makes no difference, Sweetie.”

  She frowns and says, “I’ll brush my teeth really well before I kiss you next time, Master.”

  Grace whispers with a mischievous grin, “See if our Lord will spring for some antiseptic mouthwash.”

  Frannie smacks her shoulder, “Oh! You!” She’s trying to hide a smile.

  “Okay,” I say. “Grace has an ornery streak. Good to know.” She smiles shyly at me.

  I turn my attention to Esmi’s sister. “So, Flora. Please tell me what is important enough that you would verbally and physically abuse my family to talk to me.”

  She looks at me anxiously, “Lord! I want to join your harem. Or your family. Or be your wife.”

  “Really? And assaulting my family sounded like a good way to get my favor?” I ask.

  She shuffles her feet, “Everyone has to fight for their place, Lord. If I want in, I have to fight my way in. All’s fair in love and war.”

  Esmerelda interjects, “Jack, she is a little challenged socially.” She slides in behind her sister and kisses her cheek when Flora turns. “Remember, she is the runt of the litter. She’s also at a heavy disadvantage because you’re throwing off some heavy pheromones. Wi
th our heightened sense of smell and her diminished capacity, she doesn’t stand a chance.”

  Flora, “Esmi, did you just tell him I’m a retard?”

  Esmi squeezes her sister, “You’re not a retard, sweetie. You have difficulty with social situations, you have a phobia of germs, and you are completely at the mercy of your impulses. Your mental acuity is just fine when you decide to use it.”

  Flora nods sadly at me, “Esmi’s right. I’m an emotional retard. My intelligence is okay.”

  I ask, “Esmi? Are your sisters nearby?” Suddenly two shadows swoop in and land on either side of the two sisters.

  “You rang, Lord?” they say nearly in unison, and then they laugh. “Jinx!”

  I assess their brains. The physical, emotional, and neural abstractions between them look nearly identical; Esmi’s and Flora’s do, too. I tried to assess their emotional state, but I just don’t sense a difference between Flora and the others. I try to build an abstraction for different kinds of emotions. I envision anger as fire, love as…’no, that won’t work. Let’s see...anger as lightning, love as fire, sad as clouds and rain, joy as…shit!’

  I wrap Flora in a hug, “Flora, I’d like to be able to help you manage your emotions better, but I’m not coming up with anything at the moment. Yours look to be functioning correctly. When I worked on Morgan, her machinery for emotions was damaged. Yours isn’t. I’ll think about it and get back to you. In the meantime, I will not offer for you to join my family. I won’t knowingly bring someone into my family that will create discord. I suspect having over 25 women in my immediate family will make keeping the peace difficult enough. Adding someone that will fight amongst them for position and act out is not going to help me build a harmonious household. I will likely not bring you in ever.”

  “Maybe after I get better?” she asks hopefully.

  I tell her, “Honestly Flora, all I can tell you is the future is not written. I won’t throw you away even if I’m not going to bring you into the family. You will always be important to me simply because Esmi is my friend. Go try to find happiness elsewhere, dear.” I kiss her lips gently and back away. She tries to follow, but her sisters hold her back.

  “Jack, please!” she begs as her sisters hold her tightly.

  “Let’s go,” I tell my team, and we take off towards the Summer Knights. Chelsea slides back in on my left as I blink back tears.

  Chelsea asks, “Are you okay, Jack?”

  “No. She is very broken. If she hadn’t been so mean to Frannie, I probably would have brought her in for that alone. I can’t have someone in our family that doesn’t treat the others in the family with respect,” I say.

  She lays a hand on my chest and says, “You’re right, Jack. It’s hard enough for me, and I find all the ladies in your family to be lovely. Frannie is really sweet, and calling her out like that was not acceptable behavior. Keep in mind, Fiancé, you have a shit-ton of women that love you and crave to be loved by you. We will all act out at one time or another, but that’s why it’s so important that we all care for each other, too. We can help pull each other off the ledge - hopefully before any feelings are severely hurt.”

  I squeeze her to me, “Yeah, I know I’ve been lucky so far. We’ve really only been together for a very short time. I know there will be issues. That’s not what bothers me.”

  “The pheromones,” she guesses.

  “That,” I acknowledge with a frown.

  “Jack, you’re not forcing any of us to love you,” she says. “Pheromones might make us want to jump your bones, but they won’t create that deep emotional connection that you have with us. The bat shifters, wolf shifters, and serpent shifters all have a strong sense of smell. If they are receptive to what you are pushing out, it may make them horny as hell. That doesn’t explain Flora’s behavior. That might be due to a mental illness, or it could just be learned behaviors. Since you couldn’t sense anything wrong, I’d say the latter is more likely”

  “I still feel like I need to figure out how to help her. It’s not my top priority, but it needs to happen,” I assert.

  “Eh, maybe? You can’t be responsible for saving everyone, Jack. There are counsellors that could help her,” she counters. “Besides, changing her brain to change her personality? That’s a morally ambiguous activity if I’ve ever heard of one. She’s not a danger to herself or to anyone else. She needs to want to change and take advantage of the opportunities for help.”

  “Yeah, I suppose so,” I concede. “I’m still worried about the pheromones doing the same thing. Making you all love me.”

  Chelsea smacks my chest and steps in front of me to stop me ten feet from our goal. “Jack, knock it off! I can tell you two things to set you at ease,” she says as Supreet turns to join the conversation. Chelsea continues, “First of all, Sidhe have enhanced hearing over humans, not an enhanced sense of smell. So all of those beautiful Sidhe women that are in love with you and who you love, that’s all on your behavior towards them. There is no scientific proof that humans react to pheromones. Most of the ‘evidence‘ is advertising hype. Sidhe are structurally the same as humans, so the same applies. Second thing, Wolf Sister and I both fell for you hard and fast. For her it was your strength - you’re a natural born Alpha. If my father turned you, assuming that’s possible, he’d be your Beta in no time. My attraction to you is based on your behavior. Not sexually, but romantically. How loving, considerate, and respectful you are to all those ladies who look to you as a husband makes me want you. Plus, you treated my escort with courtesy and respect as they dealt with their own personal horrors. Wolf Sister and I both think you smell good, but it’s not driving our behavior. The Alpha thing makes me want to fuck you like the bitch I am,” she winks at me.

  Supreet gently wraps an arm around us both. “Jack, I did not sense your pheromones until I licked you with my serpent tongue. That didn’t happen until after we had professed our love and commitment to each other. We had been playing for weeks. Stop worrying, Fiancé. You don’t need the distraction over something that is not a valid concern. You have too many big and potentially dangerous issues to deal with to be mulling over something so insignificant.”

  Supreet kisses my cheek as I hear, “She’s right, Jack. My family needs to address or manage this.” Esmi wraps Supreet and I in a warm hug as she says, “But thank you for caring so much.” She kisses my cheek in about the same spot Supreet did. Then she says, “I swear, if I were any less committed to Morgan, I’d be knocking on your door with my suitcase in hand.”

  I brush my lips gently across hers and murmur, “You are both welcome to visit.”

  Esmi chuckles, “I assume you mean Morgan, and not Flora.”

  I grimace and agree, “That’s probably for the best.”

  Esmi says, “Be safe, Jack. After talking to your ladies, I’m convinced we need you more than we know. And no, not just for sex,” she adds as she pats my arm and walks away. Supreet kisses me quickly and then takes up her post.

  “Oh! A vacancy,” Myra observes as she slides in on my right side.

  Chelsea smirks, “Hello, Myra. I guess I better take my slot back before someone else slides in!”

  “Definitely,” Myra agrees. “This is prime real estate.” They chuckle as we all walk up to the Summer Knights.

  Christie, Georgia, and Tiphanae all give me a relatively chaste, loving kiss in greeting. Then Christie introduces me to the guard Captain. “Jack, this is Zelwyn ab Fion Mac Ivy. He is the captain of this detail. He is the newly installed captain of Laurel’s detail after you made all her guards fall asleep in the arena. Apparently they were punished heavily.”

  Then she turns to Zelwyn, “Captain Zelwyn, let me introduce you to my Lord, Jack Jerome. He is the Green Lord. You probably don’t know what that means as Laurel, Prudence, Jory, and my mother all worked hard to keep that information secret - apparently for nefarious purposes.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Captain Zelwyn,” I greet him as I offer
my hand. “I was impressed how you handled yourself around all the uncertainty surrounding Laurel’s tantrum. I regret you have to escort her corpse home, but when she started threatening to ‘kill us all,’ she didn’t really leave me much of a choice. If you get punished for this, come find me. I am always looking for good people.”

  “Thank you for your understanding, Lord Jack,” he says and bows his head quickly. “I will keep your offer in mind.”

  I nod and then look to Christie, “Who is Prudence?” I ask.

  “Sera’s mother,” she answers. “Another Class-A bitch - no offense, Chelsea - different kind of bitch. Instead, I should say she’s a self-serving sycophant of my mother’s. As Sera said earlier, her advice to my mother is questionable at best. I think that her agenda is to sow as much discord between the courts as possible. I’ve never figured out why.”

  I speculate, “Well, Sera says she has a bracelet like the one Trevor had. I suspect she’s being guided in that path. I am quickly coming to the conclusion the Dread Lord finds those who are already disaffected or vulnerable and suborns them. We’ll have to talk to Trevor in more detail. Maybe Prudence, too.”

  Myra adds, “Jason is watching Trevor. He’s been promoted to Captain to take Trevor’s place. Jason can work him slowly over time to figure out how he got involved. They are actually pretty close.”

  “That works,” I say before turning my attention to Myra and Zelwyn. “The plan is Myra leads the contingent with the Ravens. Zelwyn’s escort and Laurel’s stretcher follow behind, including Christie, Georgia, and Tiphanae in the trail position. Tiffy, you need to go in your other form, beautiful.” She nods her acknowledgement and strips. Megan takes her uniform and sword scabbards. Then Tiphanae transforms back into a Valkyrie form. She pulls the two swords and carefully sheaths them in the flesh of her back.

  It’s fascinating to watch, but I continue, “I’ll be behind Christie, Georgia, and Tiffy with my detail. That will give me an opportunity to assess the situation. Maybe Sera takes Myra’s real estate to point out her mother.”