by K. A. Trent
“Astra,” She laughed, rubbing my back. “You’re a part of this family, I decided that the moment I saw you. Honey you’ve come so far in the last few months, I’m so proud of you.”
“I thought you would be mad at me when I ran,” I held her tighter, I didn’t want to let go.
“Astra, dear, I’m probably going to be mad at you for a lot of things in the future, and you’re probably going to hate me, but I will never be mad at you for acting on your trauma. You’ve been through so much, and you have to work it out. But I’ll be here, the girls will be here, we’re going to make sure you get through it. Part of getting through it is being a part of this family, doing your part, and finding a way to be happy. Look, I’ve seen the way you act, Astra. You feel like you can’t be a part of this family no matter how much we include you. You always hang back, you’re always so cautious, but over time, that’ll go away. You’ll become an important part of this family, and Luna.”
“Donna…” I could barely form words. “I wanted to ask you..”
“You can ask me anything, sweetie,” She smiled and led us over to the kitchen table. I sat down in a chair across from her, suddenly too embarrassed to ask the question. “Astra? What is it?”
“I don’t know,” I shook my head. “Maybe it’s not okay, I don’t think Carrie and Ashley would be...okay with it.”
“Astra what is it?” She suddenly cradled my chin in her hands and made eye contact with me. “It’s okay, honey.”
“It’s just that...I….” I finally managed to blurt it out. “I don’t have a mother and...I live her and...it’s just that you know, I was wondering if, if it would be okay with you, I mean I guess you can say no if you want. If it’s not something you want, you know I-”
“Astra! You’re not even speaking in complete sentences!” Donna laughed at me. “Astra, you’re very important to me, you mean a lot to the girls. I would be honored for you to call me mother.”
I found myself embracing her again, sobbing into her chest as she wrapped her arms around me and rubbed my back. I felt things, things I couldn’t describe. It was like a piece of me had been missing and suddenly it was here, and I was whole. That day in Donna’s salon when I had seen myself made up and fully dressed as a girl for the first time, I’d thought that I was complete I’d thought that I was finally here but that was only part of the picture - a much needed fragment, but Donna completed the picture.
The moment was interrupted by the sound of the door opening; Carrie and Ashley burst in, tablets in hand, fresh from school.
“Astra!” Carrie shouted.
“See?” Ashley strode toward me. “She’s not dead.”
“We missed you so much!” Carrie pulled me away from Donna and embraced me, Ashley followed suit. I was lost in a wave of emotion and confusion; I was glad to see them but I was having trouble adjusting to the fact that they wanted to see me. All this time, the time I was out there running from the Black Swan I thought that they would hate me for leaving them. I’d spent so much time creating reasons and scenarios in my head, convincing myself that I wouldn’t be welcome here again. I couldn’t have been more wrong but I was still having trouble accepting it. It would take some time and hopefully I had it.
The next few weeks followed with me helping around the house, spending time with the girls, and even helping out at Donna’s salon. Things were perfect, I was happy. I had a mother, I had sisters, I had more than I’d ever dreamed of. Then it happened. I came home alone one day, trailed naturally by the local police force and more than aware that I was being watched even inside.
I walked through the house and began to wash my teal colored dishes, still giddy at the fact that they were mine.
“You having fun playing house?” Kerra’s voice came from behind me. I dropped the plate and stumbled back from the sink. I spun around and came face to face with her. She was out of uniform this time, dressed in a tight blue t-shirt and a pair of black pants. She was sat at the kitchen table; I had no idea how long she’d been there. “How long do you think it can last?”
“Kerra I passed the test,” I was beginning to stammer. I didn’t like where this was going. “I live here, this is my family.”
“Yeah,” She smirked and nodded. “I heard you call Donna ‘mommy’ now. That’s adorable. In an ideal world you could keep doing it.”
“Kerra what are you talking about? Everything is fine.”
“Except for one little detail. I came to you about it in the hospital but Callie rushed me off. You know, the little issue of Therese. Callie’s friend. The one who almost killed you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I argued. Of course I did. I remembered what Callie had said to me. Therese had just made a mistake.
“I think you do,” Kerra leaned forward in her chair. “And you’re going to tell me everything.”
I looked toward the kitchen window. Donna should be coming home soon.
“Don’t be looking for your mom,” It was almost a sneer. “She’s been detained, temporarily.”
“Kerra, Therese made a mistake, everything is fine now!”
“Oh is it?” Kerra smirked. “You’ve got your court case coming up. You’ll probably win. Everyone’s been watching you. They love you Astra, but you know who doesn’t love you? The Black Swan. You win that case; people eventually forget about you. That security detail outside your house? It goes away. Then you know what happens? The Black Swan moves in. They’ll kill Donna first. Probably make you watch. Then they’ll kill Carrie and Ashley. Maybe you’ll get away, maybe you’ll get lucky again, but then what? You’re just going to bounce from place to place, might even go into hiding. Maybe you’ll hole up in the Nocht until they finally find a way to get rid of you once and for all. Either way Astra, this is all going away. This perfect little life you’ve built? It can’t last. You’ve killed Donna, your new mommy. What are you going to do about it?”
“No, that can’t be true!” I shouted. “They...I-”
“You know it’s true,” Kerra stared at me. She wasn’t trying to convince me of anything. She knew that I knew. “I’m going to get a statement from you, you’re going to roll over on Therese. Once you do that, we can make her talk, then we can figure out who the rest of the Black Swan operatives are in Luna. It’s not quite the head of the snake but it’ll do. So, what do you say Astra? You want to save Donna’s life or not?”
Kerra laid her tablet on the table and opened up an audio recording application.
“Your choice, Astra.”
I closed my eyes. In that moment I saw my choices and she was right. No matter what, the Black Swan would always look for me, they would always find me. They would always want to ‘keep Ereen pure’. I was being forced to choose between appeasing Callie and allowing Donna to die and I had put her in that situation by allowing her to adopt me. It was my fault and mine alone. The shadow of the Factorum was one that cast with it pain and sorrow, it was simply up to me to decide who would bear the burden. Numbly, I pulled the chair from the table and sat down across from Kerra.
“Okay. Let’s do this.”
Chapter 28
"I think it's fine," I told Donna again as she adjusted the tie behind my dress. Her hands swiped against the shiny material again and again, making that incessant rubbing sound.
"I just want to make sure it's even, dear," she told me. "You don't want to look like a slob for your hearing, do you?"
"No," I whispered. The corners of my mouth inched upward, probably the closest I'd been to a smile in a long time.
"Okay, sit down," She told me, directing me toward a couch in the corner of the room. It wasn't a large room, just a waiting area we'd been placed in the moment we arrived at the courthouse. The council chambers were beyond the large red door on the other side, two entrances, two very different destinations. I carefully walked toward the couch, making sure to keep my gait in line. My heels weren't very high, but I still hadn't quite gotten the hang of walking in the
m. I turned and placed myself carefully on the middle cushion, folding my hands on my lap as I did. I looked up at Donna and gave a standard fake smile. She placed her hand on my cheek and then sat beside me. "I want you to know that you're going to do great, no matter what, and...Astra, I'm sorry, so sorry that this had to be your introduction to humanity. I'm sorry that you missed out on so many things. I- people are just awful I guess. Look, Astra, no matter what happens, I want you to remain as you are. You're friendly, you're trusting, you're loving. I don't want you to lose that. You probably understand better than anyone that love...love isn't something that is ordained, or something that just happens. It's...made, it's forged in the heart from the leftover pieces of a shattered life, it's a shelter from the storm. It's what saves you when you're at the lowest point in your life. The hardest thing in the world can be to find love when all other hope is lost, and somehow, against all odds, your heart is big enough for everyone despite what you've been through. Don't change."
"Mom?" I said, a little timidly. "Did I do okay? Do you think they'll like me? Did...did I do good enough?"
"Yes sweetie," She smiled, but I could hear her voice begin to crack. "You did amazing, you're going to do amazing, you're going to show them all today, okay?"
Did she really believe it? I leaned toward her and cautiously laid my head against her shoulder, she wrapped her arm around my shoulders and caressed my hair. I closed my eyes, wondering silently if this would be the last time I ever hugged anyone. Human contact was so necessary and so satisfying, but if I lost today, if they ruled against me, I would never touch anyone again. I would be thrown into a pit of despair, overloaded with emotions that I could never express. Has they done me a kindness in bringing me here, or had they exposed me to unspeakable cruelty by showing me what could be, and then snatching it away? Today was important, today would determine if I continued to become the person I was, or if that person would shrivel and die in the depths of my soul as it rotted in the Factorum. Now, more than ever, I wished that I had been born a woman, a real woman, someone that they would readily accept.
"It's time," She said finally, rising from the couch and offering her hand. I took it and stood, straightening my skirt and working out the wrinkles. She smiled to me one more time and led me to the red door. At the press of a button it swooshed open, revealing the council chambers. It wasn't as impressive as I'd imagined, just a round room with chairs along the exterior wall, the center partitioned off two half-circle dividers. At the front, a tall podium where three women were sat. The room was packed, lots of women, some old, some younger, all of them talking, and all of them falling silent the moment I stepped into the room.
I hesitated at the door. My fate would be decided here; just a few moments ago I had been alone with Donna, sharing a hug and wondering if it would be the last time. I wanted that moment to last forever. I wanted so many things. I wanted to be her daughter, more than anything in the world. She took my hand and walked me into the council chambers, we cut through the silence, our footsteps echocing through the crowd, every eye on us as we took our seats at a long table at the center of the circle. We sat in silence for a moment, I stared straight ahead, my eyes not focusing on anything in particular.
'Just let it end quickly' I prayed to no one.
"The court will be called to order," The woman in the center of the podium announced. "We'll be hearing the case of Astra versus the Proctorum Elicate, case number JJ Sigma Theta 8214L.The case brought before us is a troubling one, though not without precedent. The question here, is not only if Astra is a young transgender girl, but if she is suitable for life in our society. Initially, the signs are good, she has integrated herself into our society, she has made every effort to follow the law, she has expressed desire to be useful. The question, is whether or not it is enough."
"Let us begin by calling our witnesses," the next judge announced. "We'll commence by calling Kerra Erth to the stand. Kerra Erth, please come forward."
I immediately swiveled my head, not sure if to be excited or terrified at the mention of Kerra's name. Was she really someone I wanted to see? Did I want her testifying at my hearing. I sat there in silence with the rest of the court, watching, waiting, but there was no sign of Kerra.
"Absent," The third judge made a motion on her tablet.
"The court calls Charlotte Metzger to the stand," The moment the judge spoke, there was some rustling, and I watched the tall girl from Aeristas make her way down the side of the room, finally stopping to sit at the witness stand. I smiled to myself as I remembered her from the museum.
"Charlotte Metzger," The judge said. "You're a house leader at Aeristas, is that correct."
"Yes," Charlotte confirmed. "Theta Omega."
"And you had the opportunity to see Astra in action?"
"I did."
"What were your impressions?"
"Astra behaved just like any other girl in our class, though a bit timid," Charlotte nodded in my direction. "There was an incident where she was underperforming on purpose, but it's something many of us have done at one point or another."
"And do you believe she would make a valuable addition to society here on Ereen?"
"I didn't get to know her for very long," Charlotte explained. "But I wouldn't mind seeing what she can do, especially in a house like Omega Theta."
"Thank you, Charlotte," The judge said, dismissing her.
"Next witness, the court calls Donna Smythe to the stand."
I looked nervously to Donna who squeezed my hand and stood, leaving me alone at the table. She made her way to the stand, I could see every eye upon her as she took the seat and looked over to the judge.
"Donna Smythe," the judge began. "You have been Astra's caretaker for the last several months, she has been living in your home, is that correct."
"Yes, your honor," Donna confirmed, nodding and looking over to me.
"And how did you find her?"
"She has behaved as a very respectable young lady," Donna affirmed. "She's very mindful, very polite, eager to be of service. I see no male tendencies within her."
"And her visit to Aeristas went well?"
"She did well with the other students," Donna nodded. "I find her to be very timid, not an aggressive person in the least. Sometimes too timid, but that can't be a bad thing. I would love to see her given the opportunity to grow, and to reach her full potential."
"Thank you, Miss Smythe," the judge made some notes and dismissed Donna who returned to the table and sat beside me once again."
"We have a few more witnesses today," The judge informed us. "and we'll call one more before we take a quick five minute recess. The court calls...Callie Bianchi."
Callie was here. She was really here. My heart soared; her testimony would save me. I turned my head and saw her stand from one of the chairs, she smiled to me briefly as she passed the table and took her seat on the witness stand.
"Ms. Bianchi, you have a more intimate relationship with Astra than most. She approached you inside the Factorum and how did the interaction go again?"
"It wasn't too complex," Callie admitted. "She just...told me that she felt, different, that she was more like me. It was fast, she spoke quickly, and I felt like she was telling the truth, so I promised to at least try to help her."
"And you did help her," The judge confirmed. "Against the recommendations of your mother, the Prime Minister,"
"I did," Callie nodded. "I did in-depth research on transgenderism and how it had affected our society in the past. I found several groups that believed in the transgender movement, and that transgender women could be trapped inside the Factorum. With the information I gathered, I was able to move forward and attempt to extract Astra from the Factorum with the help of my mother."
"And over the past few weeks, what have you found?"
"Well," Callie said, folding her hands and staring straight ahead at the court. "It was my belief that transgender women like Astra could contribute to our society, that
they could help us to reach a greater understanding. The more I observed Astra, the more I believed that she had a true place in our society. Unfortunately...I have never been more wrong."
Chapter 29
The courtroom fell silent save or a few gasps here and there. The onlookers glanced to one another, and some looked over at me, but ultimately, their eyes drifted back to Callie whose expression remained solid. Her next words were akin to the calm before the storm, silent now, but the moment they began flowing, I felt they would destroy my life. I looked up to Donna nervously for help; her jaw was set, and she slipped her hand into mine, squeezing it as a sign of reassurance. I looked back to Callie who finally continued her speech.
“Astra, in many ways, does look and act like a young lady but there are many things that have been bothering me. She seems to be brash, and prone to violence even if she does correct herself quickly. I should have been…more informed at the first conversation we had outside the Factorum but you have to understand, I wanted to believe, and now I believe we have paid the price for my naivety, all of us.”
She allowed herself to fall silent again, perhaps permitting the full effect of her words to sink in and permeate the council chambers. I squeezed Donna’s hand tighter; I had researched this proceeding enough to know that any outbursts would be bad for me but I wanted to scream. I wanted to beg, I wanted to ask her what she was doing.