I swallowed hard.
I had no response.
Travis turned and walked across the apartment to a tall dresser next to his bed. Without hesitation, he dropped the towel, leaving me staring at his perfectly cut and toned ass.
When he started to turn, I turned, suddenly wanting to give him privacy.
And give myself privacy.
Because I then finally found my response.
And I whispered it to myself.
“I’m screwed…”
6
Into the Silence
TRAVIS
It was up to her to make sure she didn’t see me naked. I didn’t give a damn. This was my apartment. Not a house. Not a home. But it was my place. And she was standing in my kitchen, drinking my beer, and looking through my notebook. I expected more anger than I felt, but I still didn’t like the feeling of being exposed.
I got dressed into a fresh, plain colored t-shirt and walked my way to the kitchen.
Willow had barely moved away from the counter. She looked at me with the biggest and most guilty eyes I’d ever seen. She would be a terrible poker player and an even worse bank robber. Which was maybe good for her heart.
I put my hand on the notebook and pulled it off the counter.
“Follow me,” I ordered in a voice stern enough that I did not need to look back to make sure she listened.
I went to the balcony door and opened it.
I held the door for her. “After you, bunny.”
“Why do you keep calling me that?” she asked.
“No, no. It’s my turn to talk now.”
I showed her the notebook and her cheeks burned a deep red color.
We stepped outside, and I shut the door.
I watched as Willow touched the railing. It moved a couple of inches and she jumped and screamed.
I dropped my notebook to the table and put my hands out to catch her. My hands slid along the curves of her sides as her body collided with mine.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “The railing moves a little.”
“Damn,” she gasped. “I thought I was falling.”
She turned her head and looked up at me.
I quickly moved my hands because there was a certain countdown in my mind. Touching a woman like Willow… after a certain point…
I gritted my teeth and inched away.
Her gaze hadn’t left me yet.
Hell no, bunny. You’re not reading my notebook and then wanting to play the lost souls fuck each other senseless game.
Then again, was that really such a bad idea?
Great.
Now I was looking at Willow and imagining myself lifting her up and taking her to my bed. Forget the beach. Forget the sun. Forget the touristy bullshit ambience. She wanted an escape? She wanted to forget about her life and her troubles? I could do that between the sheets.
“Travis, I’m sorry,” Willow said. “I shouldn’t have looked at that. That’s my fault. I…”
“Stop talking for a second,” I said. I reached for the notebook and lifted it. “What did you think you’d see?”
“I don’t know. I was just curious.”
“Why?”
“Because of what Sam said. He made it sound like you were completely broken down. But you seem… okay.”
“Ask yourself a question, bunny. Is anyone okay?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.”
“You were hoping to dig up some dirt on me, right? You wanted to see a piece of me that I keep hidden. Because you are holding in so much yourself. You’re easy to read, Willow. Easier than this stupid fucking book.”
I flicked my wrist and did something I should have done a long time ago.
The black notebook went over the railing and down into the bushes.
Willow gasped and looked, but I didn’t.
“Travis,” she said. “Ohmygod. Why did you do that?”
“Because I felt like it,” I said.
She was surprised.
I was too.
“You came down here… for what?”
“It’s none of your business,” she said with a defiant look on her face.
“Right. Well, here’s the deal. I have some stuff I have to do. You’re more than welcome to hang out here or go out and sightsee.”
“When are we leaving?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Are you in a rush?”
“Maybe.”
“Then you’re going to have to learn to have patience, bunny.”
“You’re kidding me. What am I supposed to do here?”
“Whatever you want. You have about an hour of sunlight left. You can hang on the couch and watch TV. You can take a nap in my bed. Obviously, my life is yours to barge into.”
Willow touched my arm again. And just like on the beach, a chill surged through my body.
“Please, Travis,” she said. “I didn’t mean to… you want to know the truth? Things aren’t exactly perfect for me in life. And I know it’s not perfect for anyone, so I try not to complain about things. I had no idea what to expect with you. You’re hidden. You’re hurt. You have this wall up.”
“And it’s not your job to knock that wall down,” I said. “Maybe you’re the fierce protector back home, Willow, but not here. Enjoy your vacation. Your break. Your breather. Whatever you want to pretend this is for you. I’ll be back when I get back.”
“Tonight?”
I grinned. “You’re not my babysitter, bunny. I’m a big boy. I know how to make my way back home when need be.”
I opened the balcony door and went back inside.
I shook my head, memories of Willow flashing back to me. The night she got really brave. The night she decided to push open my bedroom door. The night she wanted more than I gave her.
My goal was simple now.
Kill those memories and take Willow back home where she belonged… out of my life.
I opened the back door to the club and didn’t expect to see Tommy standing there as though he were waiting for me. What I did expect, was for him to punch me in the face. Which I completely deserved.
He stood there with two of his waitresses.
He looked at me, skipping his classic big smile when he normally saw me, and told his waitresses to go out front and get set up for the night.
“What do you want?” he asked.
I showed my hands. “I’m here for a beer.”
“There are other places to get beer.”
“You have the best draft beer in town.”
“You’ll have to settle for second best then, Travis.”
“I wanted to get a beer and apologize to you,” I said. “Okay?”
“Well, in that case… stay right here.”
Tommy turned and called someone from his cellphone. That’s the kind of guy he was. He took care of his people, but he was sometimes too fucking lazy to get a beer for himself. Then again, if I owned the club and dealt with what he did, I’d be the same.
One of the waitresses brought back two beers.
“Bottles, huh?” I asked.
“You’re not worth a draft,” Tommy said. “You’re lucky you’re getting this.”
I took the beer and offered cheers to Tommy. He threw the beer bottle back and took a big swig.
A silent fuck you, Travis, which I, again, did deserve.
He leaned against a table and folded his arms. “Talk.”
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about what happened. You know, Dez had been running his mouth at me all night. I was having a really bad day…”
“Because of your sister,” Tommy said.
“Fuck, did Ronny tell everyone about my shit?”
Tommy laughed. “Ronny is a good guy, Travis. He’s been through a lot of dark shit. I was actually his sponsor when he got cleaned up. Nobody really knows that though.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. So, I’ve seen what he went through. And I think he looks at you the way he saw hims
elf in the mirror. And maybe what you don’t realize is that they looked at you as their drummer. Not just a fill in guy. Okay? You started out that way, but you all clicked. There was magic there. I won’t deny that Dez is a prick. He’s cocky. He thinks he’s better than everyone else. But he’s a guitarist. Probably one of the best around right now. He’s a rockstar. They all suck.”
“You were a rockstar, Tommy.”
“And I used to be Dez,” he said.
“Yeah. Right. He went too far.”
“You’re right. He did. That’s why the police didn’t take you in. I talked to the cops and so did Ronny. That’s why you were sent home. For the record, Dez is fine. No broken jaw. It must be made of steel. Because that sound it made…”
Tommy shook his head.
I looked down at my hand. It was still a little tender from where I had hit Dez.
“I lost it,” I said. “That was the day… night… whatever you want to call it. Playing the show helped me. I fought hard to just forget about it. Then Dez said something.”
“I know,” he said. “I’m just disappointed it came to this. You guys were going to do something big.”
“They will,” I said. “I can be replaced.”
“But I don’t want you replaced, Travis. Ronny bonded with you. I like you. You’re a decent guy when you let your guard down. Now it’s all fucked up.”
“I came by to get a beer and apologize. For putting you in that position. I wasn’t sure if anything legally came your way with what happened.”
“Nah,” Tommy said. “I know all the cops. They’ve either arrested me in the past or have been here for bullshit bar fights throughout the years. Nothing to worry about. Just glad nobody pressed charges.”
“I’m also here to let you know I’m heading out.”
“Heading out where?”
“Out of town.”
“Where’re you going?”
“Just taking a trip. Going to clear my head a little. Get out of this mess.”
Tommy put his beer bottle down. “You don’t have to do that. You should talk to Ronny. Christ, at least talk to Ronny. Then sit down with Adam. Even Dez. You guys can talk this shit out. Maybe it won’t change your status with them, but at least figure it out. There are plenty of gigs here, Travis. You’re a great drummer. You know how to play guitar too. I know you have a notebook with some lyrics in it.”
“See, that’s the problem, Tommy. I didn’t come here to be that. I didn’t come here to be exposed. I thought I could trust Ronny.”
“You can. You did. He trusted you. You guys were a fucking band. Thick and thin. Truth and lies. Pain and all. That’s where the real music comes from.”
“I never wrote a song with them,” I said. “I wasn’t part of the band.”
Tommy sighed. “You know, what you went through must have been really hard.”
“Save it,” I said. I put the beer down and took a five out of my pocket and tossed it to the table. “I’m leaving.”
“Look at you,” he said. “You get a little worked up and bolt. You don’t have to pay for the beer.”
“Too late,” I said. “Just let it all go, Tommy. I’m sorry for what happened. Thank you for all the support you’ve given me. I’m out.”
I punched open the door and felt Tommy staring at me.
I took a few steps, but never heard the door shut.
“You can keep running all you want,” Tommy called to me. “But you’ll never get ahead of it, Travis.”
I looked back. “Then I guess I’ll never stop fucking running.”
“That’s a really nice life to live.”
I didn’t respond.
I wasn’t going to get into a pissing contest with Tommy. Plus, anything I said, he’d probably run back to Ronny and tell him. I felt like it was all high school gossip bullshit.
I walked back to my truck and debated on where to go next. I could easily sit up at a bar, drink until I wasn’t in pain, find someone who felt the same, and take her to the beach where we could crash in my truck. Or maybe I’d take her back to my place and give Willow the show of all shows.
“Fuck,” I growled to myself.
I was thirsty, but not for any of that.
Passing up a night of drinking and mindless sex was a deadly thing for me.
It meant following my heart.
And I wasn't sure if anyone was really ready for that.
Midnight came and went, and I finally made it home.
I was stone cold sober as I opened the door with care so that I didn’t make any noise and wake Willow. She was passed out on the couch, curled up in a blanket, head on a pillow, making it obvious that she went through the closet to find what she needed. Better yet, she took the cover off my bed for herself.
It made me smile.
She was bold. That was for sure. And she was definitely a survivor. The interesting thing was that a part of me wondered about her. What she was running from. Why did she actually come down here? It wasn’t for me. That was a bullshit cop out story that Sam fed her to believe.
I walked to the couch and looked down at her. On her right side, sleeping so peacefully. Her hair a little messy, sprawled out behind her on the pillow and couch. The covers were pulled down past her shoulder. She was in a tank top. Her bare skin showing, my fingertips suddenly buzzing with a wild desire to touch her. To graze my fingertips along her exposed shoulder and down her arm to see if her skin would tighten and ripple with goosebumps. To see if she would stir a little, maybe groan, maybe move to her back and open her eyes and realize it was me.
Fuck.
I touched the top of the blanket and gently pulled it up over her shoulder.
I walked away from the couch and went to my bed. There was no separation in the flat, which was the whole point of living here. It was strange having a guest on the couch and not in my bed. Of course, I could have remedied that by picking Willow up and taking her there.
Gently place her down. Touch her hair. See the look of shock on her face.
Finish what had almost started…
I gritted my teeth and wished I was at a bar.
Three shots deep. Five beers deep. A blue-eyed beach beauty catching my attention, wanting to ask all about my musical career, making it almost too easy to slip my hand around her waist and offer her a night she’d never forget.
But that wasn’t going to happen tonight.
I went to the fridge and got a beer. My bed was the next destination, and that’s where a surprise waited for me.
Sitting on my pillow was my black notebook.
There was a half torn piece of paper on the book.
Sorry
I gritted my teeth as I peeled the note off the notebook and tossed it to the nightstand. That’s when I saw a the other half of the piece of paper, except this one was inside the notebook. Which meant that Willow spent her night digging through the bushes to find my notebook and then read it some more.
I wasn’t sure if I should have been pissed at her or a little humbled that she did this. Then again, she was the one who came down for a break and did this. Sitting on a couch in my flat watching stupid TV.
I crashed to my bed and took a big gulp of the beer. I opened the notebook to the page Willow had purposely saved.
Sadness rushes
we can’t find our way home now
I’ve searched the mountains
the stars and sky are lonely
I should have never walked that hall alone
Your whispers were silent
my ears deaf with the wisp of the window
a leaf crunches under my shoe
October tickles my face
September left over some tears
I tried to kick a can on a loud street
but it was the heart of all I couldn’t save
I built a swing on a tree branch
knowing it’ll crash to the ground after
the first
storm of spring
&nbs
p; But when it moves back and forth in
the wind I pretend I don’t feel
I picture you sitting there
soft palms cut by the barbed wire rope
but you don’t care
You’re flying
You’re racing against time
I think we all are
Your door is shut
my hand against the cheap wood
I can punch a hole in it even though
it’s unlocked
it’s always left unlocked
that’s what you did
but you locked up the rest
I should have had better sight
maybe glasses that aren’t even all that real
I don’t want to envision it
I don’t want to live it
I swim
I swim like you would swing
I kick my legs, fighting the pull of the moon
it won’t burn me, but I feel it’s heat
stars fall like rain on a window
I chase it
I chase what I don’t say
but I’m forever thrown back
Into the ground
Into the past
Into the silence I left you in
Into the silence you left me in
I shut the notebook and took another gulp of the beer. That was followed by another and another. Hell, I finished off the beer and went to get another one. Then I went outside on the balcony and drank the second beer. The notebook next to me on the table. I thought about throwing it again, but Willow would probably go and find it.
I shook my head.
I lowered my head.
I swallowed some beer. I swallowed the words. I swallowed everything I could until I was full.
That left no more room… which meant I couldn’t stop the tears…
7
Beach Fire Eyes
WILLOW
Travis was there the next morning, asleep in his bed. I quietly got dressed and snuck out to find a place to eat. I sat outside at just past ten in the morning, and had a cup of coffee, a glass of orange juice, and a breakfast all to myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I slept in this late and felt this refreshed.
What You Don't Know (True Hearts Book 6) Page 6