Home.
I felt like I had no home. I felt like home was just a feeling because of where I grew up. Home was checking on Mom to make sure she wasn’t having a bad day. Home was making sure Max had a bath and food. Home was making sure Wren wasn’t going to lose herself to the fantasy of her, Brendan, and Max becoming a family.
“Hey, bunny, what are you doing?”
Travis slipped his arms around my body and held me. His body pressed tightly against mine. I melted back into him. I put my head back against his hard chest. I shut my eyes for a second and envisioned this as being my normal.
“Is that the letter from Helen?”
I opened my eyes. “Yeah. I was trying to burn it.”
“Burn it?”
“Yeah.” I turned my head to look at Travis. “To say goodbye.”
“Well, you need fire to burn it,” he said.
“Funny. I couldn’t figure out how to turn this thing on.”
“There’s a switch, Willow. Literally a switch.”
“Shut up.”
He smiled. “Why do you want to burn that?”
“What’s the point of hanging onto this? I don’t need the reminder. There’s nothing I can do to change what happened, right? I haven’t worked in a long time because of it. Eventually I’m going to run out of money and need to work again. Which isn’t like me to do. I save money. I plan for things. I…”
Travis put his hand to mine and closed it around the letter. “Wow, Willow. You’re letting everything hit you at once here. Deep breaths, bunny. Burning that letter won’t make anything go away or change.”
“You said you lied to me about guilt. About feeling guilty and letting it get to you.”
“Burning a piece of paper won’t get rid of that feeling.”
“So, I just live with it for the rest of my life?”
“For you? I doubt it. You’re strong, Willow.”
“What about you?”
“No. This isn’t about me.”
I turned all the way around and realized Travis was wearing nothing but jeans. It distracted me for a quick second.
“But this is about you,” I said, forcing my eyes to focus on his face. “I saw you last night, Travis.”
“Don’t worry about that.”
“You thought I was asleep,” I said.
“So what?”
“You let yourself go for a second. Do you ever do that when nobody is around?”
“All the time,” he said. He swallowed hard. “The water does it for me. There’s a sense of danger, life, thrill, and this entire world that nobody really understands. But beyond that, Willow, it’s that the water and sky touch each other. So, if I’m touching the water…”
“You’re touching the sky,” I whispered. “You’re near her.”
“And at night…”
“The stars.”
“There you go,” Travis said. “You got me to be a big baby now. Okay? That’s what it all means to me. Back in that town, that house, that’s where everything happened. Where I live now and what I do, that’s where everything is happening. There’s a difference.”
I felt like I could cry.
Travis understood everything. In a way I never thought possible. I thought he was just some sexy and cocky drummer who surfed, drank too much, and slept with too many women. But that wasn’t the case at all.
He was everything I ever fantasized about and more.
“Keep the letter,” Travis whispered. “We need to shower and get on the road.”
“Today’s the day, huh? Back home for you.”
“It is what it is, bunny,” he said. “Same old shit.”
“Are you going to talk to the band?”
“Probably.”
“That’s good. I sort of want to see you play drums.”
Travis grinned. “One thing at a time.”
“Hey,” I said. “You never told me why you call me bunny.”
“Oh, right. It’s a term for someone who hangs around the beach with surfers. I’ve heard a lot of different words thrown out at the beach. So, the second I saw you, it just felt right to say. And it works.”
“Okay,” I said. I was a little disappointed. I thought it had a better meaning.
“For the record, I’ve never called anyone else that,” Travis said.
“So, I’m special?”
He touched my face and traced a line along my jaw. “Oh, Willow, you have no idea how fucking special you are.”
He made me smile.
A real smile too.
A comforting smile.
“We’d better take that shower,” Travis whispered.
“We?”
He nodded. “It’s a shared bathroom here. So, we have to share with anyone else here. And I don’t feel like waiting. So, it’s you and me.”
“You and me,” I whispered back to him.
I reached up and touched his face.
We sort of just stood there, holding each other.
“I have to confess something,” I whispered.
“What?”
“I think I broke your rule.”
I’m still in love with you… it’s just different now. Deeper. Realer. It hurts more to think about losing you again.
Travis gave me a good morning kiss that did more than any cup of coffee could come close to doing.
Then he whispered something into my ear.
“I think I broke my own fucking rule too, bunny.”
When we were finally able to put the windows down and feel the warm breeze of the air, being so close to beach, it was like we had officially entered a different world. I wasn’t exactly sure what direction Travis had taken us for the entire trip, but it was a far cry now from the cool and damp weather back home. That’s what a thousand miles and a sunny beach will do though.
The wind rushed into the SUV and caught any loose strands of my hair and played with them.
I turned my head and looked at Travis.
He looked happy. He looked comfortable. He looked almost right at home. Which made me happy, but also made my heart feel extra heavy.
I slowly slid my hand across the seat and reached for his right hand. I touched it and squeezed.
“This is beautiful, Travis,” I said.
“Forgot how much I could miss it,” he said.
We sat at a red light and his eyes went right to the ocean.
“You’re itching to get in there, aren’t you?” I asked.
“More than you’ll ever know, bunny.”
“Then let’s go.”
“What?” he asked, looking at me.
“We’re here, Travis. We made it. You’re home. I’m… on vacation?” I laughed. “I can totally sit on the beach and do nothing for a little while.”
“Damn, Willow, I think I love you right now,” Travis said.
The light turned green and there was a moment of hesitation between us. I wasn’t sure if Travis was going to clarify what he just said or say that he meant it.
I opened my mouth and the car behind us beeped its horn.
“Shit,” Travis said.
He started to drive again and didn’t stop until we got home to his place.
“Home sweet home,” he said as he pulled into the spot next to his truck. “I can’t wait to take this thing to the rental place and have my ride back.”
I looked over at the truck and smiled. It was old, a little beaten up, but it fit Travis completely. It wasn’t perfect… yet that’s what made it perfect.
I loved everything about Travis.
There was no other way to think it.
“I’ll grab your stuff,” he said. “You can get changed inside.”
My body tingled as I thought about undressing in his apartment. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he touched me the night before, or the way he touched me in the shower at the B&B. The way we stole glances at each other in between kisses, the hot water smashing against our bodies. The way he pinned me against the wet tiles
and the way I bit my lip to keep from making too much noise and drawing attention to us.
By the time I got into his apartment, I was completely flustered.
Travis tossed his bags and guitar onto the couch and went right for his surfboard.
“You know where the bathroom is,” he said. “I’ll pack up some drinks and we’ll head out.”
“Sounds good,” I said.
I took my bag to the bathroom and dug around for my bathing suit.
I got changed, watching myself in the mirror as I did so. It was weird because I couldn’t really remember the last time I looked at myself naked. The reflection of my full breasts, my rosey-pink nipples, even gently touching them, watching as they filled out my bathing suit. My cleavage looked good. The curve of my hips had this sudden sex appeal to me. I realized that this was because of Travis. The way he took care of me in bed made me feel better about myself. I felt beautiful. I felt sexy. I felt strong.
“Hey, you good?” Travis’s voice boomed from outside the door.
“Yeah,” I quickly yelled.
I collected my thoughts and opened the door.
He stood there wearing board shorts and a black tank top that made my inner thighs tremble. Tattoos on his arms and chest. Muscles as hot as his ink. Black sunglasses on his face. His forever messy and greasy hair just left as is, never worried about fixing it or having an actual hairstyle.
I took a deep breath, trying real hard not to fall for him any more than I already had.
Travis offered his hand. And I took it.
“Let’s hit the waves, bunny,” he said with a grin that was too dangerous for my eyes and heart to bear.
“I like it,” I said.
He blocked my way and stared down at me. “I like you, Willow. I more than like you. I’m in really big trouble being near you.”
“I know,” I said back to him. “Believe me, Travis, I know.”
“The right thing, right now, would be for you to leave and get home before anything else happens.”
“I know,” I said again.
“But you’re not going to leave yet, are you?”
“No.”
“Fuck,” he growled.
“Fuck,” I said.
I put my hand to his chest and gave a little push. Because if I didn’t, we wouldn’t make it to the beach. And quite frankly, after dealing with what I had to deal with for the last however long with him, I wanted the sun, the sand, and the water.
We’d have all night to keep making decisions that were good for our bodies and bad for our hearts.
26
The Stage That Was His
TRAVIS
It took me a few waves to get into a rhythm. Goddamn that old fucking town for throwing my mind off. The way it was too cloudy and rainy and always damp and cool. Even in the summer, you’d get days where it was hot, but never really hot and nice. You could get to the coast, sure, but it was nothing but big rocks, choppy waves, and if you dared to get in the water, you were taking your life in your own hands. Everyone was huddled together, living in sin and tragedy, waiting for the next bullshit storm to come across the horizon and wipe them out.
Down here, it was different.
There were people who grew up here. People who moved here. People who were on vacation. It was sunny. Bright. Warm. Hot. The crash of the ocean waves and the call of the seagulls was the soundtrack that never ran out. There was a smell of freedom. I never thought I would miss the place as much as I did.
I finally caught the fourth wave and rode it to shore. Balancing the board, my body, my head… and now my fucking heart. Because if I actually told Willow I loved her, it would mess everything up. I wasn’t going to be the wedge between her and her family. And there was no way in hell I was moving back to that mess of a town and sit there, watching my sister’s ghost run up and down the streets. Or casually bump into my mother and force myself into finding something that sounded like small talk.
The thoughts raged in my mind as I saw a big wave start to build.
It was a really good one. The undertow started to pull almost instantly. I straddled my board and watched it lift up into the air like a big, wet fist. The wave curling around itself like thick fingers and thicker knuckles. I should have already been in position to either ride the damn wave or get over it and let it go.
Instead, I just sat there. I didn’t kick my feet. I didn’t paddle my hands. My fingertips were in the water.
The wave pulled me closer.
I suddenly saw my sister.
I saw Julie sitting in her bed that night. Telling me how kids called her fat. How she was unsure about herself and life. Typical teenage angst that everyone goes through. Except Julie dealt with more because of our mother. And I didn’t recognize that. I just thought she was feeling a little down. Nothing that a smoke, a few dumb jokes, maybe a sip of booze couldn’t fix. Only I didn’t know that Julie had gotten her hands on a bunch of pills. And those pills were in a baggie in her nightstand. I didn’t know how long she had that baggie or how many times she thought about taking all the pills until the night she did…
The wave smashed right down on my face.
I didn’t move an inch to defend myself.
All I could see was Julie’s face. The cops finding. Needing to go… see her… but she was already gone…
The wave threw me into the water like I was a piece of junk toy. I flipped over and over, my nose filling with water, everything in the front of my face stinging. Then came the board, smashing against my gut, making me scream while I was under water. Water went down my throat and the whole fight-or-flight thing kicked in. The wave threw me around a little more before I found the ground and was able to get out of the water and gasp for air.
Water dripped down my hair and my face, which was good. It was all a disguise for the tears I couldn’t hold back. I stood there with my board collected next to me like a fucking mess of a man. I felt people looking at me, but didn’t give a damn. The water pulled at my ankles before another wave rolled forward after it crashed well behind me.
I looked forward and saw Willow sitting on a towel. She was sitting up and had her sunglasses peeled back as she stared at me. Checking on me.
I walked from the water to the beach, my wet feet collecting sand like mud.
I took deep breaths, my nose tingly and aching from the intense rush of the salt in the water. My eyes burned too. I felt like someone had punched me in the chest.
“Are you okay?” Willow asked me when I got close enough to her.
“I’m fine,” I said.
I tossed my board to the sand and dropped to my knees on a towel. I reached for the cooler and got a beer. It wouldn’t fix the world, but the demons would soon quiet down.
“That looked painful,” Willow said. “I don’t know how you do that.”
I looked at her, squinting my eyes in the blazing sun. “I didn’t try to take that one, bunny.”
“It looked that way.”
“Felt good though. A reminder that we’re helpless against the water.”
“Wow. That’s deep. You’re all poetic when you’re here, Travis. I like it.”
“No, Willow, I’m fucking heartbroken.”
The words came out too easily.
She reached for my hand. I looked down and watched her open my hand and slide her fingers along my palm. I felt my cock thickening in my shorts, which wasn’t going to be something I could hide. I gritted my teeth as Willow interlocked her fingers with mine.
“I’m here,” Willow said. “I’m here, Travis.”
I nodded. But I didn’t look at her again. “For how long though?”
My question floated in the air like a balloon let go by a child. Lifting in the breeze and rising into the nothingness.
I lifted our hands and planted a kiss on the back of her hand. Then I pulled her hand toward me and put my fist to my chest, her hand still holding mine.
“I’m trying to think this entire thing through,�
� I said.
The beach breeze played with her hair in a way that my fingers wanted to.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You’re here. Again. You’ve come to me. I went back home with you. We road tripped back here. This is all crazy.”
“You’re telling me,” Willow said. “I don’t do this stuff, Travis. But with you, I like it. It’s fun.”
“You have a family waiting for you. And you have a career you put on hold. Everything you need is in the hell I can’t stand to be in.”
The truth seemed to be pouring from me.
I saw the look on her face as the joy of the warm beach turned into something like a cold winter night.
“Trust me, I know,” she said. “I wish we would have kept driving. We should have gotten more lost.”
She laughed.
It was a quick, forced, sad laugh.
I reached for her and cupped her cheek. I pulled her close to me and put my forehead to hers.
“What did you do to me?” I whispered.
“The same thing you did to me a long time ago,” Willow said.
I turned my head, ready to kiss her right there on the beach. Right in front of hundreds, maybe thousands of people. As though we were a real couple. Just a boyfriend and girlfriend sharing a romantic kiss on a perfect, clear, blue-sky day at the beach.
My lips brushed against hers, a fresh round of heartache waiting on the other side of that kiss.
A heartache I would welcome… because at least it would cover up the other heartache inside me.
“Want to know something cool, bunny?” I asked Willow as my hand instinctively touched her waist as we sat at the bar.
It was my way of telling any guy in the bar to go fuck themselves because Willow was all mine. And truthfully, if another guy even so much as looked in her direction, I would have made what I did to Dez’s jaw look like a scratch.
That’s what she did to me. I wanted to be greedy with every possible second we had together.
“What?” Willow called out over the music roaring from the speakers.
“That stage over there?” I nodded with my head. She looked. “That was basically my stage. This was where we played a ton of shows.”
What You Don't Know (True Hearts Book 6) Page 24