CHAPTER XIII
_Some Account of Eatanswill; of the State of Parties therein; and of the Election of a Member to serve in Parliament for that Ancient, Loyal, and Patriotic Borough_
We will frankly acknowledge, that up to the period of our being firstimmersed in the voluminous papers of the Pickwick Club, we had neverheard of Eatanswill; we will with equal candour admit, that we havein vain searched for proof of the actual existence of such a placeat the present day. Knowing the deep reliance to be placed on everynote and statement of Mr. Pickwick's, and not presuming to set up ourrecollection against the recorded declarations of that great man, wehave consulted every authority, bearing upon the subject, to whichwe could possible refer. We have traced every name in schedules Aand B, without meeting with that of Eatanswill; we have minutelyexamined every corner of the Pocket County Maps issued for the benefitof society by our distinguished publishers, and the same result hasattended our investigation. We are therefore led to believe, that Mr.Pickwick, with that anxious desire to abstain from giving offence toany, and with those delicate feelings for which all who knew him wellknow he was so eminently remarkable, purposely substituted a fictitiousdesignation, for the real name of the place in which his observationswere made. We are confirmed in this belief by a little circumstance,apparently slight and trivial in itself, but when considered in thispoint of view, not undeserving of notice. In Mr. Pickwick's note-book,we can just trace an entry of the fact, that the places of himselfand followers were booked by the Norwich coach; but this entry wasafterwards lined through, as if for the purpose of concealing even thedirection in which the borough is situated. We will not, therefore,hazard a guess upon the subject, but will at once proceed with thishistory; content with the materials which its characters have providedfor us.
It appears, then, that the Eatanswill people, like the people of manyother small towns, considered themselves of the utmost and most mightyimportance, and that every man in Eatanswill, conscious of the weightthat attached to his example, felt himself bound to unite, heart andsoul, with one of the two great parties that divided the town--theBlues and the Buffs. Now the Blues lost no opportunity of opposing theBuffs, and the Buffs lost no opportunity of opposing the Blues; andthe consequence was, that whenever the Buffs and Blues met together atpublic meeting, Town-Hall, fair, or market, disputes and high wordsarose between them. With these dissensions it is almost superfluousto say that everything in Eatanswill was made a party question. Ifthe Buffs proposed to new skylight the market-place, the Blues got uppublic meetings, and denounced the proceeding; if the Blues proposedthe erection of an additional pump in the High Street, the Buffs roseas one man and stood aghast at the enormity. There were Blue shops andBuff shops, Blue inns and Buff inns; there was a Blue aisle and a Buffaisle, in the very church itself.
Of course it was essentially and indispensably necessary thateach of these powerful parties should have its chosen organ andrepresentative: and, accordingly, there were two newspapers in thetown--the _Eatanswill Gazette_, and the _Eatanswill Independent_;the former advocating Blue principles, and the latter conductedon grounds decidedly Buff. Fine newspapers they were. Suchleading articles, and such spirited attacks!--"Our worthlesscontemporary, the _Gazette_"--"That disgraceful and dastardlyjournal, the _Independent_"--"That false and scurrilous print, the_Independent_"--"That vile and slanderous calumniator, the _Gazette_;"these and other spirit-stirring denunciations were strewn plentifullyover the columns of each, in every number, and excited feelings of themost intense delight and indignation in the bosoms of the townspeople.
Mr. Pickwick, with his usual foresight and sagacity, had chosen apeculiarly desirable moment for his visit to the borough. Never wassuch a contest known. The Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall,was the Blue candidate; and Horatio Fizkin, Esq., of Fizkin Lodge, nearEatanswill, had been prevailed upon by his friends to stand forwardin the Buff interest. The _Gazette_ warned the electors of Eatanswillthat the eyes not only of England, but of the whole civilised world,were upon them; and the _Independent_ imperatively demanded to know,whether the constituency of Eatanswill were the grand fellows they hadalways taken them for, or base and servile tools, undeserving alike ofthe name of Englishmen and the blessings of freedom. Never had such acommotion agitated the town before.
It was late in the evening, when Mr. Pickwick and his companions,assisted by Sam, dismounted from the roof of the Eatanswill coach.Large blue silk flags were flying from the windows of the Town ArmsInn, and bills were posted in every sash, intimating, in giganticletters, that the Honourable Samuel Slumkey's Committee sat theredaily. A crowd of idlers were assembled in the road, looking at ahoarse man in the balcony, who was apparently talking himself very redin the face in Mr. Slumkey's behalf; but the force and point of whosearguments were somewhat impaired by the perpetual beating of four largedrums which Mr. Fizkin's committee had stationed at the street corner.There was a busy little man beside him, though, who took off his hatat intervals and motioned to the people to cheer, which they regularlydid, most enthusiastically; and as the red-faced gentleman went ontalking till he was redder in the face than ever, it seemed to answerhis purpose quite as well as if anybody had heard him.
The Pickwickians had no sooner dismounted, than they were surroundedby a branch mob of the honest and independent, who forthwith set upthree deafening cheers, which being responded to by the main body (forit's not at all necessary for a crowd to know what they are cheeringabout), swelled into a tremendous roar of triumph, which stopped eventhe red-faced man in the balcony.
"Hurrah!" shouted the mob in conclusion.
"One cheer more," screamed the little fugleman in the balcony, and outshouted the mob again, as if lungs were cast iron, with steel works.
"Slumkey for ever!" roared the honest and independent.
"Slumkey for ever!" echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat.
"No Fizkin!" roared the crowd.
"Certainly not!" shouted Mr. Pickwick.
"Hurrah!" And then there was another roaring, like that of a wholemenagerie when the elephant has rung the bell for the cold meat.
"Who is Slumkey?" whispered Mr. Tupman.
"I don't know," replied Mr. Pickwick in the same tone, "Hush. Don't askany questions. It's always best on these occasions to do what the mobdo."
"But suppose there are two mobs?" suggested Mr. Snodgrass.
"Shout with the largest," replied Mr. Pickwick.
Volumes could not have said more.
They entered the house, the crowd opening right and left to let thempass, and cheering vociferously. The first object of consideration wasto secure quarters for the night.
"Can we have beds here?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, summoning the waiter.
"Don't know, sir," replied the man; "afraid we're full, sir--I'llinquire, sir." Away he went for that purpose, and presently returned,to ask whether the gentlemen were "Blue."
As neither Mr. Pickwick nor his companions took any vital interest inthe cause of either candidate, the question was rather a difficult oneto answer. In this dilemma Mr. Pickwick bethought himself of his newfriend, Mr. Perker.
"Do you know a gentleman of the name of Mr. Perker?" inquired Mr.Pickwick.
"Certainly, sir; honourable Mr. Samuel Slumkey's agent."
"He is Blue, I think?"
"Oh yes, sir."
"Then _we_ are Blue," said Mr. Pickwick; but observing that the manlooked rather doubtful at this accommodating announcement, he gave himhis card, and desired him to present it to Mr. Perker forthwith, if heshould happen to be in the house. The waiter retired; and reappearingalmost immediately with a request that Mr. Pickwick would follow him,led the way to a large room on the first floor, where, seated at a longtable covered with books and papers, was Mr. Perker.
"Ah--ah, my dear sir," said the little man, advancing to meet him;"very happy to see you, my dear sir, very. Pray sit down. So you havecarried your intention into effect. You have come down here to see anelection--eh?"
"Spirited contest, my dear sir," said the little man.
"I am delighted to hear it," said Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands."I like to see sturdy patriotism, on whatever side it is calledforth;--and so it's a spirited contest?"
"Oh yes," said the little man, "very much so indeed. We have openedall the public-houses in the place, and left our adversary nothing butthe beer-shops--masterly stroke of policy that, my dear sir, eh?"--thelittle man smiled complacently, and took a large pinch of snuff.
"And what are the probabilities as to the result of the contest?"inquired Mr. Pickwick.
"Why, doubtful, my dear sir; rather doubtful as yet," replied thelittle man. "Fizkin's people have got three-and-thirty voters in thelock-up coach-house at the White Hart."
"In the coach-house!" said Mr. Pickwick, considerably astonished bythis second stroke of policy.
"They keep 'em locked up there till they want 'em," resumed the littleman. "The effect of that is, you see, to prevent our getting at them;and even if we could, it would be of no use, for they keep them verydrunk on purpose. Smart fellow Fizkin's agent--very smart fellowindeed."
Mr. Pickwick stared, but said nothing.
"We are pretty confident, though," said Mr. Perker, sinking hisvoice almost to a whisper. "We had a little tea-party here lastnight--five-and-forty women, my dear sir--and gave every one of 'em agreen parasol when she went away."
"A parasol!" said Mr. Pickwick.
"Fact, my dear sir, fact. Five-and-forty green parasols at sevenand sixpence a-piece. All women like finery,--extraordinary theeffect of those parasols. Secured all their husbands, and half theirbrothers--beats stockings and flannel, and all that sort of thinghollow. My idea, my dear sir, entirely. Hail, rain, or sunshine, youcan't walk half a dozen yards up the street, without encountering halfa dozen green parasols."
Here the little man indulged in a convulsion of mirth, which was onlychecked by the entrance of a third party.
This was a tall, thin man, with a sandy-coloured head inclined tobaldness, and a face in which solemn importance was blended with a lookof unfathomable profundity. He was dressed in a long brown surtout,with a black cloth waistcoat, and drab trousers. A double eye-glassdangled at his waistcoat: and on his head he wore a very low-crownedhat with a broad brim. The new-comer was introduced to Mr. Pickwickas Mr. Pott, the editor of the _Eatanswill Gazette_. After a fewpreliminary remarks, Mr. Pott turned round to Mr. Pickwick, and saidwith solemnity--
"This contest excites great interest in the metropolis, sir?"
"I believe it does," said Mr. Pickwick.
"To which I have reason to know," said Pott, looking towards Mr. Perkerfor information,--"to which I have reason to know that my article oflast Saturday in some degree contributed."
"Not the least doubt of it," said the little man.
"The press is a mighty engine, sir," said Pott.
Mr. Pickwick yielded his fullest assent to the proposition.
"But I trust, sir," said Pott, "that I have never abused the enormouspower I wield. I trust, sir, that I have never pointed the nobleinstrument which is placed in my hands, against the sacred bosomof private life, or the tender breast of individual reputation;--Itrust, sir, that I have devoted my energies to--to endeavours--humblethey may be, humble I know they are--to instil those principlesof--which--are--"
Here the editor of the _Eatanswill Gazette_ appearing to ramble, Mr.Pickwick came to his relief, and said--
"Certainly."
"And what, sir,"--said Pott--"what, sir, let me ask you as an impartialman, is the state of the public mind in London with reference to mycontest with the _Independent_?"
"Greatly excited, no doubt," interposed Mr. Perker, with a look ofslyness which was very likely accidental.
"The contest," said Pott, "shall be prolonged so long as I have healthand strength, and that portion of talent with which I am gifted. Fromthat contest, sir, although it may unsettle men's minds and excitetheir feelings, and render them incapable for the discharge of theevery-day duties of ordinary life; from that contest, sir, I will nevershrink, till I have set my heel upon the _Eatanswill Independent_. Iwish the people of London and the people of this country to know, sir,that they may rely upon me;--that I will not desert them, that I amresolved to stand by them, sir, to the last."
"Your conduct is most noble, sir," said Mr. Pickwick; and he graspedthe hand of the magnanimous Pott.
"You are, sir, I perceive, a man of sense and talent," said Mr. Pott,almost breathless with the vehemence of his patriotic declaration. "Iam most happy, sir, to make the acquaintance of such a man."
"And I," said Mr. Pickwick, "feel deeply honoured by this expression ofyour opinion. Allow me, sir, to introduce you to my fellow-travellers,the other corresponding members of the club I am proud to have founded."
"I shall be delighted," said Mr. Pott.
Mr. Pickwick withdrew, and returning with his friends, presented themin due form to the editor of the _Eatanswill Gazette_.
"Now, my dear Pott," said little Mr. Perker, "the question is, what arewe to do with our friends here?"
"We can stop in this house, I suppose," said Mr. Pickwick.
"Not a spare bed in the house, my dear sir--not a single bed."
"Extremely awkward," said Mr. Pickwick.
"Very," said his fellow-voyagers.
"I have an idea upon this subject," said Mr. Pott, "which I think maybe very successfully adopted. They have two beds at the Peacock, andI can boldly say, on behalf of Mrs. Pott, that she will be delightedto accommodate Mr. Pickwick and any of his friends, if the other twogentlemen and their servant do not object to shifting, as they bestcan, at the Peacock."
After repeated pressings on the part of Mr. Pott, and repeatedprotestations on that of Mr. Pickwick that he could not think ofincommoding or troubling his amiable wife, it was decided that it wasthe only feasible arrangement that could be made. So it _was_ made;and after dining together at the Town Arms, the friends separated, Mr.Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass repairing to the Peacock, and Mr. Pickwickand Mr. Winkle proceeding to the mansion of Mr. Pott; it having beenpreviously arranged that they should all reassemble at the Town Arms inthe morning, and accompany the honourable Samuel Slumkey's processionto the place of nomination.
Mr. Pott's domestic circle was limited to himself and his wife. All menwhom mighty genius has raised to a proud eminence in the world, haveusually some little weakness which appears the more conspicuous fromthe contrast it presents to their general character. If Mr. Pott hada weakness, it was, perhaps, that he was _rather_ too submissive tothe somewhat contemptuous control and sway of his wife. We do not feeljustified in laying any particular stress upon the fact, because on thepresent occasion all Mrs. Pott's most winning ways were brought intorequisition to receive the two gentlemen.
"My dear," said Mr. Pott, "Mr. Pickwick--Mr. Pickwick of London."
Mrs. Pott received Mr. Pickwick's paternal grasp of the hand withenchanting sweetness; and Mr. Winkle, who had not been announced atall, slided and bowed, unnoticed, in an obscure corner.
"P. my dear--" said Mrs. Pott.
"My life," said Mr. Pott.
"Pray introduce the other gentleman."
"I beg a thousand pardons," said Mr. Pott. "Permit me. Mrs. Pott, Mr.----"
"Winkle," said Mr. Pickwick.
"Winkle," echoed Mr. Pott; and the ceremony of introduction wascomplete.
"We owe you many apologies, ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, "for disturbingyour domestic arrangements at so short a notice."
"I beg you won't mention it, sir," replied the feminine Pott, withvivacity. "It is a high treat to me, I assure you, to see any newfaces; living as I do, from day to day, and week to week, in this dullplace, and seeing nobody."
"Nobody, my dear!" exclaimed Mr. Pott, archly.
"Nobody but _you_," retorted Mrs. Pott, with asperity.
"You see, Mr. Pickwick," said the host in explanation of his wi
fe'slament, "that we are in some measure cut off from many enjoyments andpleasures of which we might otherwise partake. My public station, aseditor of the _Eatanswill Gazette_, the position which that paper holdsin the country, my constant immersion in the vortex of politics----"
"P. my dear--" interposed Mrs. Pott.
"My life--" said the editor.
"I wish, my dear, you would endeavour to find some topic ofconversation in which these gentlemen might take some rationalinterest."
"But, my love," said Mr. Pott, with great humility, "Mr. Pickwick doestake an interest in it."
"It's well for him if he can," said Mrs. Pott, emphatically; "I amwearied out of my life with your politics, and quarrels with the_Independent_, and nonsense. I am quite astonished, P., at your makingsuch an exhibition of your absurdity."
"But, my dear--" said Mr. Pott.
"Oh, nonsense, don't talk to me;" said Mrs. Pott. "Do you play_?cart?_, sir?"
"I shall be very happy to learn under your tuition," replied Mr. Winkle.
"Well, then, draw that little table into this window, and let me getout of hearing of those prosy politics."
"Jane," said Mr. Pott, to the servant who brought in candles, "go downinto the office, and bring me up the file of the _Gazette_ for EighteenHundred and Twenty Eight. I'll read you--" added the editor, turningto Mr. Pickwick, "I'll just read you a few of the leaders I wrote atthat time upon the Buff job of appointing a new tollman to the turnpikehere; I rather think they'll amuse you."
"I should like to hear them very much indeed," said Mr. Pickwick.
Up came the file, and down sat the editor, with Mr. Pickwick at hisside.
We have in vain pored over the leaves of Mr. Pickwick's note-book,in the hope of meeting with a general summary of these beautifulcompositions. We have every reason to believe that he was perfectlyenraptured with the vigour and freshness of the style; indeed Mr.Winkle has recorded the fact that his eyes were closed, as if withexcess of pleasure, during the whole time of their perusal.
The announcement of supper put a stop both to the game at _?cart?_,and the recapitulation of the beauties of the _Eatanswill Gazette_.Mrs. Pott was in the highest spirits and the most agreeable humour.Mr. Winkle had already made considerable progress in her good opinion,and she did not hesitate to inform him, confidentially, that Mr.Pickwick was "a delightful old dear." These terms convey a familiarityof expression, in which few of those who were intimately acquaintedwith that colossal-minded man would have presumed to indulge. We havepreserved them, nevertheless, as affording at once a touching andconvincing proof of the estimation in which he was held by every classof society, and the ease with which he made his way to their hearts andfeelings.
It was a late hour of the night--long after Mr. Tupman and Mr.Snodgrass had fallen asleep in the inmost recesses of the Peacock--whenthe two friends retired to rest. Slumber soon fell upon the sensesof Mr. Winkle, but his feelings had been excited, and his admirationroused; and for many hours after sleep had rendered him insensibleto earthly objects, the face and figure of the agreeable Mrs. Pottpresented themselves again and again to his wandering imagination.
The noise and bustle which ushered in the morning, were sufficientto dispel from the mind of the most romantic visionary in existence,any associations but those which were immediately connected with therapidly-approaching election. The beating of drums, the blowing ofhorns and trumpets, the shouting of men, and tramping of horses, echoedand re-echoed through the streets from the earliest dawn of day; and anoccasional fight between the light skirmishers of either party at onceenlivened the preparations and agreeably diversified their character.
"Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, as his valet appeared at his bed-roomdoor, just as he was concluding his toilet; "all alive to-day, Isuppose?"
"Reg'lar game, sir," replied Mr. Weller; "our people's a col-lectingdown at the Town Arms, and they're a hollering themselves hoarsealready."
"Ah," said Mr. Pickwick, "do they seem devoted to their party, Sam?"
"Never see such dewotion in my life, sir."
"Energetic, eh?" said Mr. Pickwick.
"Uncommon," replied Sam; "I never see men eat and drink so much afore.I wonder they an't afeer'd o' bustin'."
"That's the mistaken kindness of the gentry here," said Mr. Pickwick.
"Wery likely," replied Sam, briefly.
"Fine, fresh, hearty fellows they seem," said Mr. Pickwick, glancingfrom the window.
"Wery fresh," replied Sam: "me, and the two waiters at the Peacock, hasbeen a pumpin' over the independent woters as supped there last night."
"Pumping over independent voters!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick.
"Yes," said his attendant, "every man slept vere he fell down; wedragged 'em out, one by one, this mornin', and put 'em under the pump,and they're in reg'lar fine order, now. Shillin' a head the committeepaid for that 'ere job."
"Can such things be!" exclaimed the astonished Mr. Pickwick.
"Lord bless your heart, sir," said Sam, "why, where was you halfbaptized?--that's nothin', that an't."
"Nothing?" said Mr. Pickwick.
"Nothin' at all, sir," replied his attendant. "The night afore the lastday o' the last election here, the opposite party bribed the barmaidat the Town Arms, to hocus the brandy and water of fourteen unpolledelectors as was a stoppin' in the house."
"What do you mean by 'hocussing' brandy and water?" inquired Mr.Pickwick.
"Puttin' laud'num in it," replied Sam. "Blessed if she didn't send 'emall to sleep till twelve hours arter the election was over. They tookone man up to the booth, in a truck, fast asleep, by way of experiment,but it was no go--they wouldn't poll him; so they brought him back, andput him to bed again."
"Strange practices, these," said Mr. Pickwick; half speaking to himselfand half addressing Sam.
"Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance as happened to my ownfather, at an election time, in this wery place, sir," replied Sam.
"What was that?" inquired Mr. Pickwick.
"Why he drove a coach down here once," said Sam; "'lection time cameon, and he was engaged by vun party to bring down woters from London.Night afore he was a going to drive up, committee on t'other sidesends for him quietly, and away he goes vith the messenger, who showshim in;--large room--lots of gen'l'm'n--heaps of paper, pens and ink,and all that 'ere. 'Ah, Mr. Weller,' says the gen'l'm'n in the chair,'glad to see you, sir; how are you?'--'Wery well, thank'ee, sir,'says my father; 'I hope _you're_ pretty middlin,' says he.--'Prettywell, thank'ee, sir,' says the gen'l'm'n; 'sit down, Mr. Weller--praysit down, sir.' So my father sits down, and he and the gen'l'm'nlooks wery hard at each other. 'You don't remember me?' says thegen'l'm'n.--'Can't say I do,' says my father.--'Oh, I know you,' saysthe gen'l'm'n; 'know'd you when you was a boy,' says he.--'Well, Idon't remember you,' says my father--'That's wery odd,' says thegen'l'm'n--'Wery,' says my father--'You must have a bad mem'ry, Mr.Weller,' says the gen'l'm'n--'Well, it is a wery bad 'un,' says myfather.--'I thought so,' says the gen'l'm'n. So then they pours himout a glass of wine, and gammons him about his driving, and gets himinto a reg'lar good humour, and at last shoves a twenty-pound note inhis hand. 'It's a wery bad road between this and London,' says thegen'l'm'n.--'Here and there it _is_ a heavy road,' says my father.--''Specially near the canal, I think,' says the gen'l'm'n.--'Nasty bitthat 'ere,' says my father.--'Well, Mr. Weller,' says the gen'l'm'n,'you're a wery good whip, and can do what you like with your horses, weknow. We're all wery fond o' you, Mr. Weller, so in case you _should_have an accident when you're a bringing these here woters down, and_should_ tip 'em over into the canal vithout hurtin' of 'em, this isfor yourself,' says he.--'Gen'l'm'n, you're wery kind,' says my father,'and I'll drink your health in another glass of wine,' says he; wich hedid, and then buttons up the money, and bows himself out. You wouldn'tbelieve, sir," continued Sam, with a look of inexpressible impudenceat his master, "that on the wery day as he came down with them woters,his coach _was_ upset on that 'ere wery spot, and ev
'ry man on 'em wasturned into the canal."
"And got out again?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, hastily.
"Why," replied Sam, very slowly, "I rather think one old gen'l'm'n wasmissin'; I know his hat was found, but I an't quite certain whether hishead was in it or not. But what I look at, is the hex-traordinary, andwonderful coincidence, that arter what that gen'l'm'n said, my father'scoach should be upset in that wery place, and on that wery day!"
"It is, no doubt, a very extraordinary circumstance indeed," said Mr.Pickwick. "But brush my hat, Sam, for I hear Mr. Winkle calling me tobreakfast."
With these words Mr. Pickwick descended to the parlour, where hefound breakfast laid, and the family already assembled. The meal washastily despatched; each of the gentlemen's hats was decorated with anenormous blue favour, made up by the fair hands of Mrs. Pott herself;and as Mr. Winkle had undertaken to escort that lady to a house-top,in the immediate vicinity of the hustings, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Pottrepaired alone to the Town Arms, from the back window of which, one ofMr. Slumkey's committee was addressing six small boys, and one girl,whom he dignified, at every second sentence, with the imposing titleof "men of Eatanswill," whereat the six small boys aforesaid cheeredprodigiously.
The stable-yard exhibited unequivocal symptoms of the glory andstrength of the Eatanswill Blues. There was a regular army of blueflags, some with one handle, and some with two, exhibiting appropriatedevices, in golden characters, four feet high, and stout in proportion.There was a grand band of trumpets, bassoons, and drums, marshalledfour abreast, and earning their money, if ever men did, especially thedrum-beaters, who were very muscular. There were bodies of constableswith blue staves, twenty committee-men with blue scarfs, and a mobof voters with blue cockades. There were electors on horseback,and electors a-foot. There was an open carriage and four, for theHonourable Samuel Slumkey; and there were four carriages and pairs,for his friends and supporters; and the flags were rustling, and theband was playing, and the constables were swearing, and the twentycommittee-men were squabbling, and the mob was shouting, and thehorses were backing, and the post-boys perspiring; and everybody, andeverything, then and there assembled, was for the special use, behoof,honour, and renown, of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of SlumkeyHall, one of the candidates for the representation of the Borough ofEatanswill, in the Commons House of Parliament of the United Kingdom.
Loud and long were the cheers, and mighty was the rustling of one ofthe blue flags, with "Liberty of the Press" inscribed thereon, when thesandy head of Mr. Pott was discerned in one of the windows, by the mobbeneath; and tremendous was the enthusiasm when the Honourable SamuelSlumkey himself, in top-boots, and a blue neckerchief, advanced andseized the hand of the said Pott, and melodramatically testified bygestures to the crowd, his ineffaceable obligations to the _EatanswillGazette_.
"Is everything ready?" said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey to Mr. Perker.
"Everything, my dear sir," was the little man's reply.
"Nothing has been omitted, I hope?" said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey.
"Nothing has been left undone, my dear sir--nothing whatever. There aretwenty washed men at the street door for you to shake hands with; andsix children in arms that you're to pat on the head, and inquire theage of; be particular about the children, my dear sir,--it has always agreat effect, that sort of thing."
"I'll take care," said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey.
"And, perhaps, my dear sir--" said the cautious little man, "perhaps ifyou _could_--I don't mean to say it's indispensable--but if you _could_manage to kiss one of 'em, it would produce a very great impression onthe crowd."
"Wouldn't it have as good an effect if the proposer or seconder didthat?" said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey.
"Why, I am afraid it wouldn't," replied the agent; "if it were done byyourself, my dear sir, I think it would make you very popular."
"Very well," said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with a resigned air,"then it must be done. That's all."
"Arrange the procession," cried the twenty committee-men.
Amidst the cheers of the assembled throng, the band, and theconstables, and the committee-men, and the voters, and the horse-men,and the carriages, took their places--each of the two-horse vehiclesbeing closely packed with as many gentlemen as could manage to standupright in it; and that assigned to Mr. Perker, containing Mr.Pickwick, Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and about half a dozen of thecommittee beside.
There was a moment of awful suspense as the procession waited for theHonourable Samuel Slumkey to step into his carriage. Suddenly the crowdset up a great cheering.
"He has come out," said little Mr. Perker, greatly excited; the more soas their position did not enable them to see what was going forward.
Another cheer, much louder.
"He has shaken hands with the men," cried the little agent. Anothercheer, far more vehement.
"He has patted the babies on the head," said Mr. Perker, trembling withanxiety.
A roar of applause that rent the air.
"He has kissed one of 'em!" exclaimed the delighted little man.
A second roar.
"He has kissed another," gasped the excited manager.
A third roar.
"He's kissing 'em all!" screamed the enthusiastic little gentleman. Andhailed by the deafening shouts of the multitude, the procession movedon.
_"He has patted the babies on the head"_]
How or by what means it became mixed up with the other procession, andhow it was ever extricated from the confusion consequent thereupon,is more than we can undertake to describe, inasmuch as Mr. Pickwick'shat was knocked over his eyes, nose, and mouth, by one poke of a Buffflag-staff, very early in the proceedings. He describes himself asbeing surrounded on every side, when he could catch a glimpse of thescene, by angry and ferocious countenances, by a vast cloud of dust,and by a dense crowd of combatants. He represents himself as beingforced from the carriage by some unseen power, and being personallyengaged in a pugilistic encounter; but with whom, or how, or why, heis wholly unable to state. He then felt himself forced up some woodensteps by the persons from behind: and on removing his hat found himselfsurrounded by his friends, in the very front of the left-hand sideof the hustings. The right was reserved for the Buff party, and thecentre for the Mayor and his officers; one of whom--the fat crier ofEatanswill--was ringing an enormous bell, by way of commanding silence,while Mr. Horatio Fizkin, and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with theirhands upon their hearts, were bowing with the utmost affability to thetroubled sea of heads that inundated the open space in front; and fromwhence arose a storm of groans, and shouts, and yells, and hootings,that would have done honour to an earthquake.
"There's Winkle," said Mr. Tupman, pulling his friend by the sleeve.
"Where?" said Mr. Pickwick, putting on his spectacles, which he hadfortunately kept in his pocket hitherto.
"There," said Mr. Tupman, "on the top of that house." And there, sureenough, in the leaden gutter of a tiled roof, were Mr. Winkle andMrs. Pott, comfortably seated in a couple of chairs, waving theirhandkerchiefs in token of recognition--a compliment which Mr. Pickwickreturned by kissing his hand to the lady.
The proceedings had not yet commenced; and as an inactive crowdis generally disposed to be jocose, this very innocent action wassufficient to awaken their facetiousness.
"Oh you wicked old rascal!" cried one voice, "looking arter the girls,are you?"
"Oh you wenerable sinner!" cried another.
"Putting on his spectacles to look at a married 'ooman!" said a third.
"I see him a winkin' at her, with his wicked old eye," shouted a fourth.
"Look arter your wife, Pott," bellowed a fifth;--and then there was aroar of laughter.
As these taunts were accompanied with invidious comparisons between Mr.Pickwick and an aged ram, and several witticisms of the like nature;and as they moreover rather tended to convey reflections upon thehonour of an innocent lady, Mr. Pickwick's indignation was excessive
;but as silence was proclaimed at the moment, he contented himself byscorching the mob with a look of pity for their misguided minds, atwhich they laughed more boisterously than ever.
"Silence!" roared the Mayor's attendants.
"Whiffin, proclaim silence," said the Mayor, with an air of pompbefitting his lofty station. In obedience to this command the crierperformed another concerto on the bell, whereupon a gentleman in thecrowd called out "muffins;" which occasioned another laugh.
"Gentlemen," said the Mayor, at as loud a pitch as he could possiblyforce his voice to. "Gentlemen. Brother electors of the Borough ofEatanswill. We are met here to-day for the purpose of choosing arepresentative in the room of our late----"
Here the Mayor was interrupted by a voice in the crowd.
"Suc-cess to the Mayor!" cried the voice, "and may he never desert thenail and sarspan business, as he got his money by."
This allusion to the professional pursuits of the orator was receivedwith a storm of delight, which, with a bell accompaniment, rendered theremainder of his speech inaudible, with the exception of the concludingsentence, in which he thanked the meeting for the patient attentionwith which they had heard him throughout,--an expression of gratitudewhich elicited another burst of mirth, of about a quarter of an hour'sduration.
Next, a tall thin gentleman, in a very stiff white neckerchief, afterbeing repeatedly desired by the crowd to "send a boy home, to askwhether he hadn't left his voice under the pillow," begged to nominatea fit and proper person to represent them in Parliament. And when hesaid it was Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill,the Fizkinites applauded, and the Slumkeyites groaned, so long, and soloudly, that both he and the seconder might have sung comic songs inlieu of speaking, without anybody's being a bit the wiser.
The friends of Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, having had their innings, alittle, choleric, pink-faced man stood forward to propose anotherfit and proper person to represent the electors of Eatanswill inParliament; and very swimmingly the pink-faced gentleman would have goton, if he had not been rather too choleric to entertain a sufficientperception of the fun of the crowd. But after a very few sentences offigurative eloquence, the pink-faced gentleman got from denouncingthose who interrupted him in the mob, to exchanging defiances with thegentlemen on the hustings; whereupon arose an uproar which reducedhim to the necessity of expressing his feelings by serious pantomime,which he did, and then left the stage to his seconder, who delivereda written speech of half an hour's length, and wouldn't be stopped,because he had sent it all to the _Eatanswill Gazette_, and the_Eatanswill Gazette_ had already printed it, every word.
Then Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill,presented himself for the purpose of addressing the electors; whichhe no sooner did, than the band employed by the Honourable SamuelSlumkey, commenced performing with a power to which their strengthin the morning was a trifle; in return for which, the Buff crowdbelaboured the heads and shoulders of the Blue crowd; on which the Bluecrowd endeavoured to dispossess themselves of their very unpleasantneighbours the Buff crowd; and a scene of struggling, and pushing,and fighting, succeeded, to which we can no more do justice than theMayor could, although he issued imperative orders to twelve constablesto seize the ringleaders, who might amount in number to two hundredand fifty, or thereabouts. At all these encounters, Horatio Fizkin,Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and his friends, waxed fierce and furious;until at last Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, begged to askhis opponent the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, whetherthat band played by his consent; which question the Honourable SamuelSlumkey declining to answer, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge,shook his fist in the countenance of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, ofSlumkey Hall; upon which the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, his blood beingup, defied Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, to mortal combat. At this violationof all known rules and precedents of order, the Mayor commanded anotherfantasia on the bell, and declared that he would bring before himself,both Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and the HonourableSamuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, and bind them over to keep the peace.Upon this terrific denunciation, the supporters of the two candidatesinterfered, and after the friends of each party had quarrelled inpairs, for three-quarters of an hour, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, touchedhis hat to the Honourable Samuel Slumkey: the Honourable Samuel Slumkeytouched his to Horatio Fizkin, Esquire: the band was stopped: the crowdwere partially quieted: and Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, was permitted toproceed.
The speeches of the two candidates, though differing in every otherrespect, afforded a beautiful tribute to the merit and high worthof the electors of Eatanswill. Both expressed their opinion that amore independent, a more enlightened, a more public-spirited, a morenoble-minded, a more disinterested set of men than those who hadpromised to vote for him, never existed on earth; each darkly hintedhis suspicions that the electors in the opposite interest had certainswinish and besotted infirmities which rendered them unfit for theexercise of the important duties they were called upon to discharge.Fizkin expressed his readiness to do anything he was wanted; Slumkey,his determination to do nothing that was asked of him. Both saidthat the trade, the manufactures, the commerce, the prosperity ofEatanswill, would ever be dearer to their hearts than any earthlyobject; and each had it in his power to state, with the utmostconfidence, that he was the man who would eventually be returned.
There was a show of hands; the Mayor decided in favour of theHonourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall. Horatio Fizkin, Esquire,of Fizkin Lodge, demanded a poll, and a poll was fixed accordingly.Then a vote of thanks was moved to the Mayor for his able conduct inthe chair; and the Mayor, devoutly wishing that he had had a chair todisplay his able conduct in (for he had been standing during the wholeproceedings), returned thanks. The processions re-formed, the carriagesrolled slowly through the crowd, and its members screeched and shoutedafter them as their feelings or caprice dictated.
During the whole time of the polling, the town was in a perpetualfever of excitement. Everything was conducted on the most liberaland delightful scale. Excisable articles were remarkably cheap atall the public-houses; and spring vans paraded the streets for theaccommodation of voters who were seized with any temporary dizziness inthe head--an epidemic which prevailed among the electors, during thecontest, to a most alarming extent, and under the influence of whichthey might frequently be seen lying on the pavements in a state ofutter insensibility. A small body of electors remained unpolled on thevery last day. They were calculating and reflecting persons, who hadnot yet been convinced by the arguments of either party, although theyhad had frequent conferences with each. One hour before the close ofthe poll, Mr. Perker solicited the honour of a private interview withthese intelligent, these noble, these patriotic men. It was granted.His arguments were brief, but satisfactory. They went in a body to thepoll: and when they returned, the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of SlumkeyHall, was returned also.
The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club, v. 1 (of 2) Page 15